STIGMUM

See you Stigmum, a song

2012-02-10T13:11:00.004Z

She could never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter now it’s gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

See you, lovely Stigmum
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every blog day
I’m really gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing’s gained
And nothing’s lost
At such a cost

See you, lovely Stigmum
I won’t hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
I’m always going to love you...

There's no time to lose, I’ve heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Hold your dreams
She helps to ease my mind.
When life’s unkind

See you, lovely Stigmum
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every blog day
I’m really going to miss you...

See you, lovely Stigmum
I won’t hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
I’m always going to love you...

(Rolling Stones featuring me though Stiggers is much better at messing up fantastic songs!)

Note to my son

2012-02-10T12:57:00.005Z

My son my sun my son
I love you
Not because you say I'm beautiful
but because of who you are

Who are you?
You are my sun
I will continue to fight for you
Fight for a secure home for you
Fight for a secure education for you
Fight these things so many take for granted.
I will always fight for you

I've got to fight for me now
I have to fight for me
I have to fight for me to fight for you
Without me you'd be so sad
I can't let you be sad
my beautiful, intelligent, funny
gigglesome, cheeky, kind, AWESOME
child
Thank you for blessing me
Hug you at 3.30
Thank God
BIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG

Note to the blogging community

2012-02-10T12:33:00.002Z

Behind this faceless avatar is a good blog.
Yep, a good blog with some fabulously rubbish posts, some fabulously brilliant ones, some neither nor.

Some of you know this and I thank you a thousand times for following and commenting or both. You know who you are.

I just want to ask, though funny to ask the day I leave, if you've landed here and find a post interesting and it leads you to write your own on the back of it, could you credit Stigmum, or leave a comment with her? It's what I do with bloggers and their posts that resonate with me.

Cyberspace is so huge, so infinite, millions of us, tapping away on our keyboards. It's a way of sharing, connecting, acknowledging, applauding.

I know Communities spin off into smaller communities but I am not part of those, per se. I follow who I follow who don't necessarily follow me and I read what I read. Do it if you're not a blogger, start writing, do it for yourself, I highly recommend.

Also, I still can't access Single Mother's Journal who (on this day) still follows me!

Do we get some kind of cybercred for being blocked? Blocked for inciting kindness?

Oh yeah baby, I rock!

Note to future employer

2012-02-10T12:29:00.005Z

If you are reading this then I told you that for the past three years and a little bit, I've been writing a blog.

Judge only the woman in the interview (and not badly;))

This is not me, not anymore.

Do not judge;accept.

This is a casestudy. It is a cyber document about how statutorily homeless people feel, through the eyes of one mother, who felt, who feels (who has to move on...)
There are some tips too, hidden in these depths, on how to cope.

A terrific skill you know, empathy.

Enjoy what you read

but judge me not

I could be anybody, even you.

Listen up ConDems, Parenting is the most important job in the world

2012-02-10T10:32:00.005Z

I was thinking earlier that this God-forsaking coalition claims a hypocritical belief in Christian values, which is why of course, it is attacking the most vulnerable - Children through their parents, disabled men, women and children.

I wanted them to watch this video from Lorna Byrne and stop attacking mothers, beating them with an iron rod, chasing them into non existant jobs, or jobs that don't pay.

Then this morning, while in the coffee shop, I happen to glance the front page of The Times.

The coalition is going to offer tax breaks to mothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So afraid of losing the female vote, they're going to throw money our way!!!

Hang on; wealthy mothers. Only wealthy mothers.

Wealthy working mothers can get a tax break for their cleaners, babysitters, gardeners. They already get a tax break for their nannies. I'm told Council Leader in the playground can put his and his wife's childcare on expenses. Neither of them are fighting to keep our "it's not viable" after school club open.

ALL PARENTING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD

HELP NEEDS TO GO TO THE MOST VULNERABLE, NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM IN A "WELFARE REFORM" EXERCISE AND GIVEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

To just go back to dreamland a minute, I said to He Who Said I Was Hot, that the very job I'd love to outsource would be cleaning. It's a pipedream for a low earner after childcare, school dinners, music lessons, after school clubs. As it is, one of those will have to go...wish it was childcare, I can do that myself.

Help ALL mothers, don't hurt them.

Children feel everything.

The Government is bad for our health

2012-02-09T12:24:00.007Z

If I have made myself ill it is because the Government has made me ill.
I have tried not to allow it to get to me but it depresses me; makes me angry, gets me pissed off. I can only articulate it on here, it silences me in reality, renders me mute. "I don't like it when you're in your daydream head mummy," says my son. I may go to the Women's Centre and start articulating it there. I told them I'd pop by, when I met them at the lobby.

If I have made myself ill it is because of recurring evictions and a State that can but won't stop this cycle; won't regulate rents or build affordable homes. It's disgusting, disgusting what's going on. Private landlords aren't dropping rents and housing associations are increasing theirs. I know all this because the perk, if you like, of being in a need of housing situation, is that you have access to what social and council properties are available and for how much they are going for.

All this makes me ill.

A government who forces me out to work during a recession, when I have a job already. I'm a childminder, though paid less. Oh, doesn't my child count?

Is motherhood not valued anymore?
Is it a 'non job'?

Is that why lone parents aren't given social housing anymore, because they don't "work"?

This government has put me on ESA, with its damning policies and legislations.

Everytime I get better I get knocked down.

A nation of knocked down people.

I'm no different to a criminal forced to do community service - voluntary work by another name - internships - we won't pay you - and we'll take away the childcare so you have nowhere to outsource your primary occupation - ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa.

I love writing this shit.
I could keep writing it, keep writing it if it makes ONE PERSON THINK

I've got to stop thinking though. That's what's got me into my mess, well, according to Louise Hay, according to me.

Angry, pissed off, hurting, hurting hurting hurting

A nation of angry, pissed off, hurting people.

A generation of children living with angry, pissed off, hurting people, bounced from one home to another, overcrowded, cold, in debt.

I wanted to give you a happy ending. Oh! I can't!

"By the time people wake up, the damage will have been done," the Ed said to me.

Yeah...

Read all about it! Read all about it!!

I have to rest now, think of my son.

My son, my sun, my son

I'm blessed, that's the problem isn't it Prime Minister?

What sexual direction does one go in?

2012-02-09T10:56:00.004Z

Before my libido flew out my window like a migrating swan (oh come back! Come back!) this thought is what crossed my mind (both genders for blogging purposes):

I can choose to eat different men/women for breakfast
I can choose to eat the same man/woman for breakfast

Which would you choose?

Sexual healing for women

2012-02-09T10:41:00.003Z

A conversation with a friend the other day who hasn't had a boyfriend for years and years and years and he didn't treat her very well anyway so confidence about getting a boyfriend is at all time low.
"Do you masterbate?" I asked her, quite uncomfortably actually. It wasn't long ago I could ask that question about myself.
Anyway, I suggested to look around a website I found
This is an article I ended up on that I believe could be beneficial to many women:

http://www.the-clitoris.com/n_html/how_to_have_female_orgasms.htm

I've not done the exercises yet, can't imagine doing them as I write this (ie, I've not got my hand down my pants) but it can be isolating being unhappily single, so get to know yourself and start to feel empowered by who you are.

For many women, the answer lies simply in giving yourself permission to be a sexual being, and by taking possession of your sexuality. You need to define your sexuality rather than allowing others to do it for you. For most, it is not a question of creating your sexuality but accepting it in its current form. The problem may not be your body and sexuality, but rather what you have been attempting to do with or to them. Learning to accept and celebrate your sexuality may be as simple as reading through this website to gain a greater understanding of your body and sexuality. (The-Clitoris.com)

OK?

An observation

2012-02-09T10:18:00.004Z

My nine year old son came back giggling from Kung Fu the other day telling me what he and his friends had been up to in the changing rooms.
Seems one was thrusting his hips out saying "Lick me lick me suck me suck me!"
My son responded similarly: "Bow to me bow to me!" and I couldn't help laughing at his contagious giggle.

"Do you think the girls were doing the same in their changing rooms?" I asked him. "Bow to me, bow to me!"

"Uurgh!" he says. "Who'd want to snog hair?"

It's not the first time I've heard him say this so instead of ignoring him, like I did before I said: "When you're older you'll grow hair too you know but what you have to realise is our bits are inside us where it's not hairy. Your bits are outside, our bits are inside!"

My son looks at me.

"Why did God make us different?"

I give you our conversation because double standards exist in our society. We as individuals may feel liberated but within wider society we are judged very differently to men. Good girls don't have sex ey? A myth propogated by society, by families in many instances.

I also write this because I'm going to put a link to a website I found on a different post - labeled, well, sexual healing I guess!

It's for women like me who have to learn to reconnect to themselves and not be afraid.

Oh, and I do believe God gave me a son because I am such a sexual fuck up there was a danger I'd fuck up my daughter. Honestly, I didn't have the first clue though I'm getting one now. That's just me though, I make no judgement on anyone else.

Bow to me, Bow to me!

Feels rushed, leaving

2012-02-09T10:07:00.003Z

We're not packing to move house this time
I don't want to leave
Half term though (already!)
a good time to go

I didn't give myself time
after the breakdown
As soon as I felt strong, well
back to blogging!!

This began as a casestudy
It began as dumping ground
A casestudy about a statutorily homeless mother on benefits
A dumping ground for me so I didn't dump on my friends

My sixteen year old self is awake though
Doesn't want me to be writing this stuff
I have to listen to her
Reconnect

This blog is actually a love story
It's one person supporting another
It's what you have to do
I have to make a break

Re-union
Re-pair
Re-member
My-self

Blogging in Two Directions

2012-02-08T11:50:00.012Z

Instinctively I know that my writing will go in two directions before the end of week when Stiggers and I will take a break.

One is SEX (Oh stigs, love, love baby, let's stay and talk about that, explore that...we've never done that, not really, not positively, hopefully, beautifully, naturally, our confidence only just beginning, so fragile..)
The other is THE USUAL CRAP
I have to mention THE USUAL CRAP because if I am going to blame myself for what I am going through, I believe the cause is not SEX but THE USUAL CRAP.

THE USUAL CRAP is making us all ill and who can change things?
The Government
Who won't change things?
The Government
Who must therefore change things?
US

I will have to go and put Stiggers' words into action. All her words, be they SEX or THE USUAL CRAP, and do something positive with her/my knowledge.

Now I must go away and figure how to post it. Which should I focus on first? Oh dilemmas...they are the making of one's life, no?

Thank you for listening and have a good day.

Bad bacteria on push bikes

2012-02-08T11:36:00.005Z

Here's what my lower abdomen pain feels like (do tell me if you've ever had the same, it's a horror not knowing as you may know)

Like there are bicycle handlbars down there and hundreds of bad bacteria hanging onto them and when the mood takes them, they pull on the brakes and I go 'aaargh' because I wasn't expecting it.

"You feel a squeeze you mean?" said my sister, and the doctor when I saw her. Oh bless those with command of simple language! Oh bless Stigmum and her creativity!!

The bacteria were braking, nay, squeezing, alot during "Shame" (aargh, there it goes again!)

Michael Fassbender....
Oh MAN!!!
We are a divine species!
I'll say no more....

Jump NHS queues!!

2012-02-08T11:10:00.004Z

In my inbox the other day - Agreed for SUE DE NIM

Leapfrog the NHS Queues
Choose When, Where & Who Operates
Receive More Comfort & Convenience Drug Treatment

That's Right Private Medical Insurance for £20 a month!!! (My exclamation marks)

Scam of the fucking century isn't it?

I heard, from a reliable source, that with a medical insurance, if you go in for a heart problem,let's say, you can't use your insurance again if you get another heart problem.

Never mind that the average person cannot afford a medical insurance anyway. They're asked to get insurance for everything, dental insurance costs a bomb when you consider your treatment costs too.

It is the beginning of the end of the NHS, started by Labour, an ideological dream to be finished by the Conservatives.

No one should have to pay for care, especially with their lives. There should no queue jumping because you are lucky enough to be a millionaire, money left in trust for you, or perhaps like the Prime Minister, you married into it.

Doc said she'd schedule me for a scan - the pee results aren't back but the pain didn't go away when the antibiotic course finished, just getting worse actually...
Can they call today doc?
I don't want be rushed to A&E screaming in agony, because waiting times are longer for me, because I have no medical insurance, have only debt to pay for one with.

Do people have to wait to die because they cannot afford to live?
(I Don't Know Party Manifeato)

SAVE OUR NHS

(I post my problem under mental health because I don't want to start another label and I dunno, create a story I have no control over.)

FUNDING TO THE NHS NOT PRIVATE HEALTHCARE COMPANIES WHO USE NHS FACILITIES AND STAFF.

Four Haiku's - blogging - start and finish?

2012-02-08T10:54:00.004Z

Writing blogs can heal
Even if noone comments
Fuck everyone else

Blogs are cathartic
Write your thoughts and let them go
There is Gold in mine

Stigmum has to stop
At least for the time being
I must heal myself

I'll miss you Stiggers
I'll read you all the time though
Comment with your name

Write a few more days
A gentle separation
Tear my heart out bitch!

That's yesterday that is, 'bitch', it's not how we speak, I speak and yeah, you might have counted five, but we don't keep count!

Time to ch ch ch change - Song

2012-02-07T10:58:00.005Z

I still don't know what I am waiting for
And my time is running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I think I've got it made
It seems the taste is not so sweet
So I turn myself to face me
And I’ve caught a nasty glimpse
Of how the others don’t see a faker
Time to give the blog a rest

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the pain
Ch-ch-Change it
I want to be a richer mum
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strains
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different mum
Time has changed me
Now I must trace time

I feel the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of cold impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And our children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
We're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face these pains
Ch-ch-Change 'em
Can't tell me to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
I must face this strain
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame (coalition)
You've left us up to my neck in it
Time must change me
We all can change time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and crush the strain
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out we rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Rise and beat the strain
Ch-ch-Change it
Pretty soon we're gonna get a little wiser
Time may change me
And I must trace time
I know that I MUST change me
And I MUST find time

(David Bowie featuring Stigmum, my Pretty Thing; only a little messed up, not much!)

What the Dickens?!

2012-02-07T10:20:00.002Z

Happy Birthday Charles Dickens!
200 years old today! Same as me!
Not much has changed ey? Social inequality still high and actually being legislated by this government to get worse! When you turn in your grave Charles me lad, WAKE UP these cockeyed clueless political classes.
On the plus side they stopped beating kids in school, ooh, 30 years ago. To my knowledge anyway (Nicolas Nickleby)
Thanks Charlie, for everything.

Are you prepared to change?

2012-02-07T10:15:00.005Z

"What do you have to live for? You know you are here for a reason, and it's not to buy a new car every few years. What are you willing to do to fulfill yourself? Are you willing to do affirmations, visualisations, treatments? Are you willing to forgive? Are you willing to meditate?
How much mental effort are you willing to exert to change your life and make it the life you want?" (Louise Hay, The Power is Within You. P.105)

You can drag a Dog to water but you cannot make it...

Drink Bitch

I'll give up Al Cohol for Lent then

We are all connected

2012-02-07T10:12:00.003Z

Was it an accident that me and He Who Said I Was Hot weren't perfect strangers?
No six degrees of separation for us; only one
Jo
She emailed him. Fancy that! He said to her, not to me.

We are all connected. I'm no different to you. You are no different to me.

My point is this though:

If what I've got is serious (they've scheduled me a scan)

Do I let him know?

"Repent! God is Good News!"

2012-02-06T12:01:00.014Z

The Sunday following my one night stand I woke up feeling positive about life but also very much stuck in mine. So very stuck I consulted my angel cards and was told to "follow the signs".

"Repent!" bellowed the priest an hour later.

I can't believe it. I shake my head inside myself as my childhood God forces me to my knees to beg forgiveness, sinner that I am.

"Repent!" he bellows again. "Repent means change! God is Good News!"

My inner head stops shaking and I listen.

"Doesn't matter if you are good person or a bad person God will not judge you!"

And I think of Hitler and Walsh's Conversations with God and wonder if the priest has read this "blasphemous" text.

"Repent means change! In your heart turn the face of God towards you and make every decision from there!"

Now you reader, may have a problem with the word God. That's fine, I did too once. But imagine for a minute the word means Love.

Turn and face the Love within yourself

It's not easy; it's taken me years

You know, when I say the Hail Mary now, I end it saying "Pray for our souls, now and at the hour of our death." Not, "Pray for us sinners.."

I can do that as a fully paid up member of the School of Doris, God is very much Que Sera Sera. He and She and It does not judge you or me or us.

Facing the Love we have within ourselves will reward us more than facing and making decisions based on fear or anger or envy or resentment.

As promised the One Night label has to end with this post or it could go on and on and I want it to finish with a happy ending.

Love not fear as it began

This is the beginning and how this label ends.

Thanks for reading it, I hope it helps you.

Love

Me xxx

"You are powerful beyond measure" - Mandela

2012-02-06T11:17:00.005Z

Nelson Mandela's inaugural speech from 1994, given to me by my social worker in 2005, recently taken out of the envelope in which it came and stuck on my wall.

Stick it on yours. Read it everyday. Do not be afraid of your light and accept others may be afraid of yours. Take it from one who knows (that's me, I can't speak for Mandela!)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God - Your playing small
doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
It is not in just some of us; It is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

The right person empowers you

2012-02-06T11:04:00.003Z

"The right person will empower you," I told the man who'd come out of a long relationship and never wanted another again.

I am right.

He accepted I am right.

I know I am right.

It is easier to fear than to love
It is better to love than to fear

Song for a one night stand

2012-02-04T16:05:00.008Z

This is the song for He Who Said I Was Hot.
It couldn't be for a relationship...it's painful for the one who loves.
I've been listening to PP Arnold's version, it's the one I have, it's so raw, so powerful and it's the lyrics I've copied for you. The song was written by a man, Chip Taylor.
I like this video though because it's not clear who the angel is because it could be either the man or the woman, depending on your experience.

This is Juice Newton's version

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can't bind your heart
and there's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose a start
I see no need to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me baby
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sun's light will be dim
And it won't matter anyhow
If morning's echoes say we've sinned
Well it was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me baby
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Then slowly turn away
I won't beg you to stay
with me
Through the tears of the day, of the years
baby baby baby

Just call me angel of the morning angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me baby
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me darling
Just call me angel of the morning baby
Just touch my cheek before you leave me darling

I've been playing this song all week while I write this label. Every morning, track 15 on my 'Feeling Good cd'
It has been better to think about sex than, well, most things actually!
It is better to think about love than it is about fear.

I had a really good experience with my one night stand, he had a good one with me and I hope you have a good one with yours.

Thanks PP Arnold.

Stay...stay stay stay....

2012-02-04T15:50:00.008Z

I wanted him to stay the weekend. I didn't want him to leave. He couldn't come back, how could he come back = 'I'm free again in two weeks!' - my self esteem wouldn't let me say it, my self esteem wouldn't allow it, but he could stay.

Oh stay. I might have said it, but only once. "Go on, I'll make you breakfast!"
"I need to get my keys," he said. It's how he met me, going back for his keys.

I laughed at his frustration trying to find his things amongst my mess, untangling his jeans from me, from all of me.

"You really are going?" I said as he pulled them on.

As he left he paused at the door, looked at me.

I'd've got out of bed, I'd have kissed his cheek

but my head was nailed to the pillow.

So much for sex curing hangovers I thought, as my head split in two.

I slept for the rest of the day.

A first for my one night stand?

2012-02-04T15:34:00.005Z

"Do you have a child?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't know you were a mother."
"No?" There are pictures of my son all over the wall.
"Do you have a girl?"
"No, a boy."
"How old?"
"Nine."
"Nine, wow, nine, that's a big child! He looks like a girl!"
"Yeah, well," I say, half asleep, "young people can look quite androgenous."
"Does he still have long hair?"
"Fairly," I look at the pictures which are a couple of years old. "He's beautiful."
"Yes he is."
"Have you been with a mother before?"
"No."
"You haven't?!"
"Well, yeah, maybe, I don't think so."
"Is it different?"
"No, only the context."
"...."

Jobs: Seeking value in post coital chit chat

2012-02-04T14:07:00.006Z

"What do you do?" he asks me, after a bit of erm, my, my oh my!
"I campaign for affordable housing," I answer without thinking.
"I've never met one of those before!" he says.
"No, well, it's hardly the most interesting of campaigns.."
"Why then?" after commenting on what a nice flat I lived in.
"If I'd won my battle, you'd be waking up on some shit estate, not here.."

change the subject change change change

"What do you do?"
"I work in film."
"Cool, doing what?"
"I own my own company."
"Nice! Good for you! Do you employ interns?"

He was soon to realise he was in bed with the self elected Leader of the I Don't Know Party.

"Win for business! No, win win for business!!" I couldn't help but open his eyes, draw his attention...

"This is so depressing," he said at some point
but that might have been while we were talking about the new North Korean president, whatsisname..."Kim Jong-un" "yeah that's him..who knows if he'll zap us all..."

The conversation flies off to Iran, to America, to nuclear war and that familiar feeling of being powerless in the face of impending doom..."The whole thing, our planet, is controlled by a small bunch of egos who'll do what they want to do, we have no control over it," I say. "What you've got to do is rise above it all somehow and look down on all of it with no judgement."

"That's very hard," he said.
"I know..."

We might have kissed then. Flip.
It just kept getting better, getting better all the time.

"Cougars"

2012-02-04T12:57:00.003Z

For a moment I let him think I was a pensioner, and from the corner of my eye saw him do a double take, as if realising he'd gone home with QuiteSomething and woken up with Stigmum. I got the giggles.
"How old did you think I was?" I laughed.
"My age," he said.
"And how old is that?"

Oh....!

No Jo, the bunting on the bedroom wall is not coming down, not yet.

Fab. I am Fab.

I am.

I am at home in my body
(Louise L Hay You Can Heal Your Life)

(We really don't like that word 'cougars', me and stigs don't, but an 'older women' title didn't sit too well with us either. I mean, who cares?)

Taking a stranger home

2012-02-04T11:21:00.011Z

Here's how it happened.
This is long by the way, and badly written, given I've used my notebook. Oh well, life mirrors art sometimes..that's my excuse anyway...

Two Friday's ago: Leaving party in the flat downstairs, the hairdresser's going back to Italy:( I am invited:) I turn up with a bottle of Prosecca; Italian's like that. Their friends arrive, beautiful, striking individuals. They invite me to Old Street with them so I finish the rose wine I've moved to and run upstairs for my jacket.

A friend of theirs is a manager of the place we go to; people told to move from the bank of seats, for we are VIPs. I order a beer because I don't want to get drunk (hic) but there's vodka and rum at the table and when they do the Jager Bombs (Jaegermeister mixed with redbull) well, one won't hurt!

The hairdresser's going straight to the airport. My other neighbours leave but I want to stay with the hairdresser's friends. I hit the dancefloor.

I man glides up to me. I ignore him and carry on dancing.
Another glides up (honestly, their movements were really fluid) and I turn from him too.
When another glides up I think 'oh for fuck's sake' and dance over to a group of young guys but realise this isn't the answer, make some comment about how good the music is then go and chat to some of my group.
Soon I'm dancing again and soon the same thing is happening and I become convinced these men are being paid by the club to pull women. I want them to leave me alone so I can enjoy myself but when I turn to the group I am with our area is empty; they've all gone.

I can't stay. I don't want to stay, I feel vulnerability crawl across the floor ready to envelope me and know I must leave now. I grab my jacket and I go outside. The air soothes my face. It's been a great night.

HOME.

I'm not entirely clear what went on next .

I believe I went up to a pretty approachable looking group of guys and asked them if they knew where the 214 bus went from.

How I wound up sitting down, I don't know but I got talking to one of them, and must have felt some kind of relief because I told him, in order, no doubt, to relieve my paranoia, that: "There are men in there paid to come on to women." I think he might have laughed, and I might have said I was serious, before wondering if he was one of them too then telling myself to chill out.

"Do you want to go back with me?" He looks at me and I might have laughed thinking really fast, faster than I've ever thought anything, ever, when I've been quite drunk, why not? He seems alright, and I do really really want to have sex.

"OK."

He asks if I want to go back to his place and I say no, mine (I'm so glad I don't live on that estate anymore) and we get a cab.

I don't recall talking to him in the cab. I do recall thinking, I do recall wondering whether I had to pay him. How do these things work? Do I have to pay him?

"I don't have any money," he says breaking the silence.
"Oh, there's a cashpoint just up here, we'll get the cabbie to stop and you can get out."

What am I doing, I'm thinking while he's out of the cab. I take a deep breath and I let it out again.

Once in my house, again I don't know only that he made the move to kiss me and I said at some point that I had condoms or maybe he asked me if I had any. Either way, we had sex.

In many ways, the first I knew of all this was when I woke up in the morning. I woke up feeling skin on my skin and thought '"huh?". Slowly I turned, oh yeah... when he says:

"You said the guys in the pub were being paid to talk to you last night. You remember? You must have no self esteem."

Later that morning he tells me he can be arrogant. "Well," I say, my head on his chest, "that's just another form of low self esteem isn't it, only wrapped in different packaging."

His kiss. That I remember, his kiss I remember.

Others mirror the love and self approval I have for myself. I rejoice in my sexuality.
(Louise. L. Hay You Can Heal Your Life not under Self Esteem)

Giving freely - a thought

2012-02-03T15:47:00.001Z

If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back

and happily surprised if you do

Waking up to oneself - a re-union

2012-02-03T14:51:00.008Z

My one night stand was a catalyst for change, but the catalyst actually began at the school reunion. where I felt something dark flutter inside me when I passed my old bedroom. The dark flutter turned out to be 16 year old me.

Here's what I wrote, a morning after a night where tears came from the bank of nowhere that has no depth that we can reach. The Foca had left me eight years before.

She's woken up and realised the boy she loved is the father of her child and is devastated it hasn't worked out.
So I find myself grieving for my relationship all over again and so powerfully.
I have let him go before
I have to let him go again and I don't want to.
He's married now, I tell myself. It's ok, he's happy and he never really knew how to look after you anyway. He could only ever be your friend. That's how it is sometimes. I know it hurts but better to have loved, even for an instant, than never having loved before
Be happy what you felt was real
and you have a beautiful son
He's lucky I loved him
He's lucky you loved him.

(Taken from Notebook 22nd November 2011)

This might seem a bit crazy but the one night stand I had was the first proper, healthy, sexual experience of me being with myself, connected to myself. Well no, Luke from (can't call it)Shit School was, post sex therapy, but I dumped him for accepting me didn't I.....

I'd told my past life regression therapist when I saw her the second and last session, admitted for the first time, that I didn't know how to do 'love'. I didn't know how to do 'intimacy'. One of my friends can't do love or intimacy either so I know I'm not alone.

That reunion was the catalyst for me to start my life over again, stronger within myself.
He Who Said I Was Hot was sent to tell me, sent to show me, what I either didn't know, or what I had forgotten.

If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back
(22nd November, straight after the above)

I will rest until I'm stronger
hopefully it won't take long
(Still thinking the same thing today...though I know now I'm on a forward path)

Tell yourself you are on a forward path

Connect with yourself. if you are not already connected

You are the very beginning of everything

Don't be scared, simply trust.

(Gee, big one stigs!)

Happy Endings

2012-02-03T13:55:00.003Z

I said at the start of this One Night label that taking you on my journeys was dangerous. Didn't get the council flat, root canal ended how I didn't want it too. Did give up smoking though, I said.
You know what I forgot?

Reunions!!

I took you on that journey!!

That did end well!!

Shit brick absolutely terrified of returning to such unhappy memories but went ahead anyway.

I was reunited with my sixteen year old self who I'd abandoned there!

So you see, there is such a thing as happy endings and I shouldn't be afraid of taking you on journeys because they won't necessarily turn out badly or negatively.

That's the beauty of blogging, the beauty of labelling posts. It's told me there is such a thing as a happy ending.

I was able to let go of that past, the weight of it released with one act of bravery. I am still tempted to write some of the lessons I learnt from that reunion experience, because I don't know who it might help my sharing them, but I do know it will help me. I think I got interrupted by something else when I was on the subject of the subsequent breakdown. Not all breakdowns are bad for you though they feel it at the time!

This One Night label will have a happy ending because I'm not going to see it through to the end with you, I will end it as positively as stigs and I are able to end it before moving forward.

Have faith in yourself

"Don't stop writing"

2012-02-03T11:10:00.004Z

My Italian neighbour knows I write a secret blog but has always had the kind grace not to enquire what it is.

I didn't tell him I was on antibiotics and that's what I was writing about, or that I'd had a one night stand that I will be writing about, because I was out with him the night I met He Who Said I Was Hot. Both nights being a catalyst for change within me and has thrown into question, really, just how long can I keep writing a blog as personal as this.

The other week I met a new person in the coffee shop who asked me what I did for a living and I'd said without really thinking "I write streams of consciousness that sometimes makes its way into newspapers!"

Thursday night of spinning fear I told myself that my life definitely had to change and accepted, I accepted that night, that I would have to stop writing this blog.

This morning I showed the guy in the coffee shop my article on the area's nightlife that has made it into a newspaper supplement, after he asked me how my 'writing projects' were going. "Is that your name?" he said. "Is that the name you write your stream stuff?"

"No, I have an alter ego."
"Oh, what's her name?"
"I can't tell you!"
"Oh that's not fair!" he said.
"OK," I said and I told him because I know that though Stigmum appears on google her given name doesn't lead to me. She could be anybody! He laughed.
"I'm going to stop writing though," I said. "As her conduit, she makes me go places I don't wanna go!!!" He laughed at that too.

My Italian neighbour didn't laugh. He's a musician. He busks at Westminster. We spoke about how the Black Dog is really great for creativity. Awful to reach in that far but how it lends power to what you write.

"I cannot die for my art," I said to him giggling. "I've got my son to think about."
"Sure," he said. "But don't stop writing!"

We'll see....

I told Jobs in Mind advisor I wanted to 'create my way out of my situation' and I'm not convinced Stiggers, as much as I love her and she has valid things to say, will help me do that.

(I also told him "I write a little bit" and he told me not to say that at my Atos interview or they'll put me down for admin jobs...He saw, he saw, I have something more to give... ee aw ee aw I'm a donkey! - streams, see.....don't depress me!)

1 in 4 people have a mental health illness

2012-02-03T10:31:00.006Z

Alistair Campbell, Blair's old spin doctor turned depression campaigner said on the BBC's This Week last night that one in four people in this country have a mental health illness.

Really? That few? Or was that one in four MP's have a mental health illness?

I had an appointment at Jobs in Mind the other day. When I booked it with the guy, I really thought I'd be ready to go by the 1st February! Oh yeah!

I told my "adviser" jobs weren't really on my mind, that I was on antibiotics. He said it was only an assessment anyway, no pressure.

He made me cry you know, with his questions. He didn't mean to, it's just the conversation bought into view That Which Makes Me Want To Kill Myself - the fact that other than love, I cannot give my son the security he needs. His education is not "safe" with me. His home is not "safe" with me. I cannot offer him the kind of foundation that his father can for example. Don't make me talk about it; it makes me cry.

We, I, got talking about depressed people with him, people worse off than me and I know because I've been where those people are. Things are so Black you can't even recognise the comfort of it being a Dog.

Ruby Wax said it was an illness, like a physical illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and there is medication.

What I know of depression though, is only you can get yourself out of it, pills or no pills. The support, books, cd's, prayer groups, this that and the other, is all there but if you don't want it, you don't want it. You can drag that Dog to Water but you Cannot make it drink.

It is good depression's getting a media airing because there really are too many of us to help. My advisor admitted as much.

"You are very depressed," he said to me.
"Really? Am I?" I was quite surprised because I'd stopped crying and was talking about people on benefits with him in quite an empathetic 'them not me' kind of way.
"Yes you are."
"Am I really negative? Am I being really negative" (I try to control that in the outside world...)
"Yes, but you've got every cause to be."
"Oh."

I came out of the appointment and it was my son's school assembly. Gift. Thank you World.

I'll say this though, the worse your depression is, the closer you are to God
Seriously, I'm not being funny
It's when I got so low, so so so low, that I realised I could not escape myself. When I get so low I'm reminded of that. This is me.

A breath.

It's been a long trip, my depression, I won't deny that. Some people's depressions can be a long trip. It's not been aided by the recurring evictions, job application rejects, I've got a bloody infection I've never had before that makes me think of nasty diseases I may have bought upon myself. I've kept wanting to escape myself; run away, run away die as you know if you've followed this blog for a long time.

But no.

Recognise that you are in the world. You are in this moment. You are meant to be here.
Take a very gentle step from there
With a deep breath

Men and self help books

2012-02-02T13:53:00.007Z

This doesn't need to go on the One Night label but it is, just for the flow.

Self help is traditionally a female domain isn't it? Helping yourself is seen as some kind of weakness and men, traditionally, don't want to be perceived as being weak. Hey, with Kindle's now, who's to know?!

Anyway, this post isn't about that.
This post is about how I walked into a charity shop the other week and came out with three books:

The Power Is Within You by Louise Hay
Chicken Soup for the Single's Soul by a bunch of writers
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.

Stiggers and me mention all these books because they all carried an inscription and they were all gifts for men!

To Ross
To Jaybes (John, a flight ticket from Sydney to Adelaide inside..small coincidence, He Who Said I Was Hot was from Adelaide! He wasn't called John though)
from their mums!!
To (another) John and I love this inscription so sorry Eric, sorry John, I'm going to copy it out:

"Dearest John,
This book was a revelation to me + so I'm passing it on to you. May the pages within provoke and inspire you to greater awareness.
I'm awed by your talent + Inspired by your Spirit. Your [sic] Very Special.
I'm Happy our path's were able to cross. All the Best!
And Good Luck wi "Dolly", I'm sure you'll be Great!
Until we meet again - My Cosmic Friend (each word underlined twice!)
Peace - Love - Light
Your Friend, Eric C.."

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears." (The Power is Within You. P.75)

Thanks guys!!!!!

If you are drawn to any of these on the back of this post reader, don't thank me!!
(Though you can thank Stigmum if you like;))

The Power Within You

2012-02-02T13:30:00.004Z

I'll be honest with you, back when, oh I don't know, I rejected louise Hay.

All those exercises in You Can Heal Your Life, well I couldn't do them, didn't want to do them, oh this isn't working, I'm a failure, go away Louise Hay.

Then a few weeks ago, in a charity shop just up the road, her book "The Power Is Within You" called out from the shelf. "Buy me, buy me!" Rrragh, I have You Can Heal Your Life, I don't need you.

I started reading it in the ad breaks during Celebrity Big Brother.
Oh this is quite good.
This is really good.
Oh Louise, I do love you!

Louise Hay, multimillionaire self healing guru, gives herself to us in this book. Talks about her life. It's all over it, everywhere in the way it isn't in You Can Heal Your Life.

I didn't know she had cancer of the vagina. Did you?
She tells us how she forgave the abusers of her childhood.
She's like, I know how you're feeling.

She made it very easy for me to pick up You Can Heal Your Life on Thursday night.

"I had to acknowledge some nonsense that I didn't want to admit about myself," she writes in the Power Is Within You. "For instance, I was a very resentful person, and I carried a lot of bitterness from the past. I said, "Louise, you have no time to indulge in that anymore. You really must change." Or as Peter Mc Williams says, "You can no longer afford the luxury of a negative thought." (P53 of my copy)

A clear clear, so clear message that came out of Thursday night was that I should give up this blog. Start a new one, build a new one.

I'm reeling from this because there's still so much we want to say. There's still so much that only Stigmum can say. Not because I don't have the courage to say it myself. But because as her conduit, I have to reach for what's negative, to open people's eyes, or allow others to know they are not alone in how they feel.

We ahall see...

Will the council house me if I have cancer?

2012-02-02T13:16:00.008Z

BANISH THAT THOUGHT

As soon as the thought came to me, I told it to FUCK.RIGHT.OFF.

You'll get extra points

FUCK OFF

Imagine telling your support worker

FUCK OFF

You see reader, I knew a French single mum who still lives in her bedsit up the road with her son my son's age.

She got a brain tumour. Did they house her? No!
She was on death's door. Did they house her? No!

The system doesn't care whether you live or die! Infact, dying will reduce the waiting list! So the council, much to the ConDems pleasure, will say or think, can't be quoted after all, 'hurry up and get on with it!'

So get that thought RIGHT AWAY FROM YOU before you create within you a disease you DO NOT WANT.

I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself.
(Louise L Hay You Can Heal Your Life under Cancer)

It's hard Louise it's hard, particularly when your past is in your present and you are forced to think about it because you are forced to bid every week

No-one ever said the healing process was easy
Right now, you are safe
Write another post and let go of this one. (Stigmum)

I lovingly release the past and turn my attention to this new day. All is well.
(Louise under Tumors)

MOVE...into the next moment...MOVE

What are we doing to ourselves?

2012-02-02T12:05:00.005Z

I wasn't looking to blame myself last Thursday night as I pissed blood into the toilet alerted by clots on the paper.

Sure, my first instinct was sex and I was so angry, angry at myself, I blamed the blog. I don't want to admit to being a sexual cripple, I raged. Is that why this has happened? I'm not a sexual cripple. My one night stand was a positive experience. Don't take that away from me

Here'a a thing..The week before He Who Said I Was Hot, was standing in my room, by my bookcase, but I couldn't see what he was looking at because my eyes were closed.

Later I stood where he'd been standing to see what he might have seen. Photo's, a piece of writing by Nelson Mandella, given to me back in 2005 by a social worker when the church was evicting me and my son, which I only took out of it's envelope about two weeks ago and stuck up on my wall to teach me.

What books would he have noticed? The Story of O, The Sorrow of War, Marx, Angela Carter's Fairy Tales, You Can Heal Your Life, Marukami, Robin the Hoodie, On Photography...a real mix

You Can Heal Your Life? I've probably not opened that since, ooh 2005.

I was in a real vacuum of fear and not knowing on Thursday night. I couldn't phone my mum and frighten her, or my sister. I could've called Jo, I'd only seen her two days before, but she was flying out to Italy. A single mum friend had called earlier, asking if I'd come in with her on a 'plant project' ("plants die on you mummy," my son said later). I couldn't tell her, "My pee hurts, I'm bleeding and I don't know what's wrong," I couldn't, I wanted to, I couldn't.

You Can Heal Your Life. You Can Heal Your Life is in your bookcase. At the back of the book are 61 pages of problems with its possible cause and new thought patterns along side it.

Littered all over this label are the new thought patterns I copied out and read and reread that night. I barely glanced at the possible causes.

Here they are for you now though - in relation to bladder problems, urinary problems, female problems (though listen in boys, we share some). I don't know what's up with me but something is and hopefully it's gone now, my seven day antibiotic course ends today.

Bladder Problems (Cystitis) - Anxiety. Holding on to old ideas. Fear of letting go. Being pissed off

Cancer - Deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. "What's the use?"

Urinary Infections (Cystitis, Pyclonephritis) - Pissed off. Usually at the opposite sex or a lover. Blaming others. (Not pissed off at lover I thought at the time, but well pissed off with government, life situation, welfare reforms...)

Uterus - Represents the home of creativity (Stigmum?????)

Vaginitis - See Female Problems, Leukorrhea - Anger at the mate. Sexual guilt. Punishing the self.

Female Problems (See Amenorrhea, Dysmenorrhea, Fibroid Tumors, Leukorrhea, Menstrual Problems, Vaginitis) Denial of the self. Rejecting femininity. Rejection of the feminine principle.

If we go back, if I go right back..

Whatever I have is a WARNING

What was the very last thing I posted that Thursday before the big OW?

Peter Paul and Mary - I hammer out WARNING. I hammer out DANGER.

You see, I feel I have to write down this stuff.

It's up to you if you want to change

but my time has come

I hope I'm listening.

I am Velcro

2012-02-01T10:12:00.008Z

Self realisation is an epiphany

I am Velcro
I allow things to STICK to me
I allow negative things to STICK to me
So fast they are stuck that I can't peel them off
So old
Men don't rape women
Women rape men
You're a hole between two legs
So new
Cancer cancer
Y Mama Tambien?
We have a duty to ourselves
That's what I wrote
I wrote that
ON HERE
before all this
We can change
We can all change
You Can Heal Your Life
In my bookcase Thursday night
Stick a positive on you
Right Here
Right Now
I am beautiful
I love
I am
LOVE

Antibiotic knock on effects

2012-02-01T09:56:00.003Z

The antibiotics have given me thrush. Woo hoo! Lucky me!! Really releasing stuff....

Commonly viewed as an STI, I am sensitive to yeast infections...cotton knickers, no bubble bath, you women know. Chemist said it's a common side effect to antibiotics, that itchy fire down there...

So tis not the boy, er, man. Refuse to park the condition there anyway.

The antibiotics aren't a laugh a minute. I have got pains in my sides as though my inner tubes are being given a chinese burn. Again, any woman who has ever had period pain, will know how this feels. I'm sure men can identify with chinese burns. Well, my brothers used to give me them all the time, so no doubt one another too.

Right, Louisa, not something I looked up that One Night but it has its place on this label none the less.

You listening girls and boys?

She says if you have thrush it is probably caused by 'anger over wrong decisions' - I made no wrong decisions, erm, recently...

Under Yeast Infection Louisa says it's probably caused by denying your own needs and not supporting yourself, which is erm, a wrong decision isn't it...

I lovingly accept my decisions, knowing I am free to change. I am safe (under Thrush)
or/and
I now choose to support myself in loving joyous ways (under Yeast Infections)

Drink plenty of water
Top tip from my NHS friend is rehydration solutions, to replace the minerals the antibiotics are sucking up

Release

Peeing in the bath - Urinary Tract Infections

2012-01-31T12:47:00.009Z

After giving birth naturally, it's a relief to pee in the bath, because it fucking stings.
With a urinary infection, you can't. I tried. It hurts big time.

Peeing with a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) which is not the same as a torn vaginal passage was a new sensation for me, and because I don't know if I've got a UTI, I don't know what I've got, I don't know if what I'm about to tell you is what a UTI feels like. (Comments from other women, or even men who have had UTI's, would be handy here, but hey, if you don't want to, you don't want to, that's fine)

The peeing itself is not bad. It's the end of the peeing experience which is bad. The end when the last drops are dripping. It did make me feel like I did at the end of giving birth when I was pushing my son's head out. It's not a burning sensation exactly (which my son was I think) but flip, lucky we girls sit, I could bang my feet together as the intensity got bigger and bigger and more and painful as though it might explode down there.

You need to go to the loo so often but you'll be scared so drink LOADS of water so at least your passing through something instead of hardly anything. Subconciously it helps and physically water is the best thing for you anyway.

I'm laughing at a memory

He Who Said I Was Hot told me he'd taken the morning after pill before. "Really?" I said, laughing. "Have you? I took the morning after pill with the Foca and bled for two weeks."
"That's too much information," he replied at which I laughed even louder. "You're not squeamish are you?!"

Oh fuck, another memory, not so funny.
I told him one night stand's were easy.
"This is easy isn't it? No-one gets hurt."
Oh yeah? Oh yeah??????
Easy for who?

I comfortably and easily release the old and welcome the new in my life. I am safe.
(Louise.L.Hay You Can Heal Your Life under Cystitis see Bladder Problems)

The bladder cancer tale I told the Cannie Doctor

2012-01-31T11:40:00.008Z

I phoned for the released appointments early Friday morning, was fortunate to get one, but not my usual doctor. Had a choice though. The female one who said "you will be found fit for work you know" or the male one? Hard to make a canny choice when you don't know.

What follows is in quotation marks but is paraphrased. You know about the I Don't Know Party for example, I don't have to explain it to you. I did speak quickly, barely stopping for breath.

I also think this may be a very long post, because I don't want to break it up, and highlight what the Tories might feed on like vultures.

This is hard for me. Here goes:

"I went from 0 to 60 last night," I told the young man. "I couldn't phone my mum, my sister, family, no-one because when my dad had blood in his urine it was bladder cancer. I couldn't worry them like that. I've just got myself really scared because I was peeing blood, not this morning though.
My dad had urine infections which were fobbed off for months with antibiotics followed by antibiotics. Even when blood started appearing, "it's a urinary infection," until my mum got so fed up she took him to A & E and they discovered he had advanced bladder cancer. He was lucky, he was really lucky. When he gave up smoking, he put the money he was saving into a medical insurance, so when he got his cancer, they operated on him really quickly. He's alive, my dad's alive, he's got dementia now but he's alive.
After that, I went on a date with this guy, I was online dating at the time, and he said 'oh sorry, I'm not feeling good, my friend's just died," and I said "I'm sorry, what of?" "Oh cancer." "Oh shit, do you mind me asking what kind?" "Oh it's really stupid." "Tell me," "Bladder cancer. They diagnosed it but she had to wait three months for the operation." She was 36 and then I read of an ex factor contestant who'd died of bladder cancer too and she was really young aswell and I've got this I don't know party and my key question is Do People have to wait to die because they can't afford to live? Will I have to wait to die because I haven't got a medical insurance? I set up my party during during Labour and now we've got a coalition and are more people going to die?????"

The Cannie doctor listened, comprehension flooding his face at the mention of politics. He asked me what it felt like and after I asked if he'd ever had a urinary infection I tried to explain it was almost like giving birth again, that last bit, when the baby's head is about to explode through. "But really I don't know."

Two things now, medical insurance and bladder cancer. I could write two separate posts but I want to contain it. Contain it.

According to Bladder cancer statistics-UK, more men, older men like my dad get bladder cancer than women, but I don't know about that because all subsequent examples in my life have been young; young, young, women.

In 2008, 10,335 people in the UK were diagnosed with bladder cancer.
5,011 people in the UK died from bladder cancer in 2009.

That is a 50% survival rate.
That's shocking.
My dad with his medical insurance, survived
The two women I mention (half his age) died. There is no need to die with this cancer. My dad has a colostomy bag. OK, it's not sexy, but he is alive. Caught earlier, he might not need a colostomy bag at all and these women definitely would be alive.

Years ago, on another date, telling a man about the I Don't Know Party, he said I should tell my dad story, because it made my NHS question make more sense. I told him I was too scared. The NHS question is also, coincidentally, the example I gave my one night stand, my Tory voting one night stand. Why oh why I now wonder...He changed the conversation pretty fast, as you might imagine, well it's depressing post coital chat really isn't it...?

Last January I chatted to a single mum who had given up her £100 a week smoking habit. I said to her, she should put some of it in a medical insurance, my father had done that. She said she couldn't afford it, which she couldn't, actually, nor could my dad, you may not believe, though little you know often, I know, often.

You have to understand addiction to understand her. People who don't have insurance shouldn't be punished. People who smoke or drink who don't have insurance, shouldn't be punished. Neither my dad, nor this mother could afford their addictions but you don't think about that while you hurt yourself.

"I smoked rollies so I didn't spend that much," I told the Cannie doctor, smiling a surrendered smile, "but I've used the money to pay Kung Fu lessons for my son."

The Cannie doctor smiled back.

Don't lick your lips Tory Government at the though of all those profits. Profits over People. Don't go the American way.

SAVE OUR NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE

Like I said, I won't give you the results of my pee test. It's not a journey me or stigmum are prepared to go on and taking you means we have to think about it, think about what we'll write, how we'll write it. NO. You want to read about cancer then I saw a book

You must fight though. You must fight not to be fobbed off.

SAVE OUR NHS

Look after yourself, be you man, be you woman.

I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself.
(Louise.L.Hay You Can Heal Your Life under Cancer)

http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/cancerstats/types/bladder/
http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/cancerstats/types/bladder/incidence/

What Betty Smith said, aged 93

2012-01-31T11:27:00.000Z

You are so young!

"I thought about what you said,."

2012-01-31T10:53:00.004Z

"I thought about what you said," the American girl who worked in the coffee shop told me last Friday morning as I walked in with my wee problem (you must read that with a Scottish accent by the way, it's how I'm dealing with it anyway, trying to minimise the fear)

"What I said? What did I say?!"

A week or so earlier, she told me she was leaving the UK as the Home Office wouldn't renew her visa and she was really sad about leaving.

Be glad you're sad, I'd said. I'd had a breakdown in Japan and when I rose from it, declared to friends I would leave the country in seven months. Why wait that long, friends had asked, if I was so unhappy, and I said I wanted to give myself a chance of liking the country, so that I might leave with good memories.

"I thought about what you said and you were right," said the American girl. "Why leave with bad memories of a place. I went and made up with that dick I told you about. No point in hating him, we're friends now, not that it matters, but I leave thinking good things, you know?"

Yeah, I know...

I can't tell you how it feels, how it felt, to know that I had transformed someone's way of thinking about themselves and their experience in a positive way. No-one listens to me!!

My blog is here though. If someone has walked away from it taking some knowledge with them, well, that is the greatest compliment you can make me. The American girl paid me a huge compliment saying what she did, but I couldn't tell her.

I will really miss her. So will The Estimator. So will others in the coffee shop. So will her boss actually given what she bought to her job, writing positive quotes about coffee on the chalk board for potential customers walking past. She has an amazing energy. Ha ha, I'm just remembering what she said yesterday, her last day, sad to leave us all, when I told her she wouldn't have stayed in this coffee shop for long. "That's true, I can keep doing these bum jobs but I've got a masters, I may as well use it," Yeah, me too...

It's not her choice to go. She had two jobs but they wouldn't renew her visa because she didn't earn enough (*shakes head*)

I wish her well on her journey
I wish you well on yours
I wish me well on mine
of course
Do you wish yourself well on yours? Ever?

Struggles..the light on the dark side of you...

2012-01-31T10:29:00.007Z

If I had time, I'd mess up the lyrics, a line that came from this Seal song, yesterday morning.
I have to blog dark feelings. It's not healthy to dwell on dark feelings, I have discovered. And it's certainly not easy writing this label.
I have to hold on to the light side of me
or I might drown in my cauldron of fire

You are the light on the dark side of yourself

Stigmum is my power, my pleasure, my pain
Or me, I am my power, my pleaure, my pain
I can't actually tell us apart
We are Bat Girl
No, we are Bat Mum
No, we are who we are

Enjoy the vid!

Oh, I'd just like to add, at no point did I think of this track in relation to my One Night. It popped into my head when I thought about blogging. I mentioned it To the Estimator yesterday saying I had to write my dark side and mentioned this song. He was not impressed to say the least and I felt myself slip in his estimation, but given that I'm not that high in it, I didn't fall that far ha ha boom boom!

BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our new television!

2012-01-30T12:17:00.011Z

I wanted to tell you I have a new television but didn't know how as I've written about television before

My new tv is a 19 inch digital widescreen tv/dvd combo with built in freeview, so bye bye iplayer, I can watch channel 5 now!

My brother gave it to me for my birthday last year. It belonged to his son but the DVD bit of it broke so it's been passed on to me. It wouldn't work with any aerial I bought but finally, just before Christmas, an electrician came round and said I needed to tune it. Ta daa! Posh telly!

So when you read articles or watch programmes about people on benefits being able to afford state of art tv's and this that and the other, well, don't make assumptions, that's all I'm saying.

Don't make assumptions about yourself either
That's just as bad

I DO NOT HAVE CANCER
DON'T THINK THAT I DO
DON'T THINK

Thank God for Trash TV (Sorry CBB, you're not trash...) "a passive source of experience when all else fails."
(Mihaly R Csikszentmihalyi, Eugene Halton. Meaning of things. Domestic symbols and the self)

I comfortably and easily release the old and welcome the new into my life. I am safe
(Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life under Bladder Problems)

Children know when there's something wrong

2012-01-30T11:34:00.004Z

"This is for you mamma," my son says.

He comes into the kitchen with a ring he's fashioned out of pink card, with a love heart stuck on it.

"Oh baby, thank you, that's so lovely," and I put it on and disappear back into my head.

Later we are watching Earthflight on telly. I've said he can stay up.
I can't stop the tears from falling
"Mummy look at that!" my son says turning to me
and sees that I'm crying
and says nothing
nothing
turns back to the tv
Keeping his hand in mine

Guilt
Streams
Rivers running
Water
Falls
Fear
Like lava
down the bones of my face
While birds take flight

The child says nothing

Who to blame for this wee problem?

2012-01-30T11:04:00.006Z

Do I have cystitis?
Do I?
Is it because I had sex with a stranger that I have this?
Please God, no.
No, that's not fair.
Is it his fault?
Did he give me this?
I'm not allergic to condoms, am I?
No...No!
We weren't without anything for long
that third time
we weren't..
Stop I said, you're a nice guy but I don't want your baby!
"I'm a slut," he said, watching me from the bathroom door.
I smiled thinking "I wish I was
no I don't
Isn't slut our word?
It's my fault isn't it?
Mine
for fucking myself the day I met him
oh fuck,
oh my God I did didn't I?
The day I met him and today
Today today too
Fucking myself
I didn't wash my hands...
Dirty...Dirty...
No
Sex therapists tell you to do it..
It's how you heal
It's how you heal
Sex is good
Sex is natural
Sex is
Fascinating Aida and I'd shag me if I could oh god I'd be
GOOD

I don't love me enough
That' why.
This is my fault
It's not him. It's not me having sex with me or him.

It's a wake up call
WAKE UP
oh...want that beer in the fridge
WAKE UP

It is time
to ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE

Accept who you are

I release the pattern in my conciousness that created this condition. I AM WILLING TO CHANGE. I love and approve of myself
(Louise L Hay - You Can Heal Your Life under Urinary Infections)

(Taken from notebook 27th January 2012)

Golden moments

2012-01-30T10:30:00.003Z

It always takes something to make you really see what you saw.
You don't know that life is about to throw you something and challenge the very depths of you.

Last Thursday I blogged. My eyes were hurting, words were swimming, I stopped. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and saw myself in the mirror and thought "You are beautiful...why do you always think you're not..." and slipped my hand down my jeans and my finger into my pants looking at myself the whole time. I felt..I felt. Go with this moment.

I wanted to tidy the living room afterwards but I didn't feel right. I figured I'd lie down for twenty minutes, putting on my Janis Joplin cd and setting my alarm.

Sun was streaming through the window when I opened my eyes and as I got up I thanked the wooden painted crucifix on top of the door, for allowing me to rest. I have never done that before and it felt good.

The sun was out and the rain was spitting when I got outside. There must be a rainbow somewhere, I thought.

I walked to the main road, up towards my son's school, and there it was, massive, beautiful. I tried to alert passers by to it but they looked at me suspiciously apart from one man, who turned and said "Wow, thank you!" before taking a picture of it on his smart phone. "Amazing isn't it?" I beamed. "Rainbows mean hope don't they? Hope in the world!" I went on my way.

I picked up my son and he says: "Mummy, I know all the words to the song now, I'll sing it to you!

"Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and smile smile smile
While you lucify to to light your fag, smile boys that's the style
What's the use in worrying, it never was worthwhile
so pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and
smile smile smile

Corners up, corners up (I asked him to sing louder as I leaned down to listen)
Give the world a grin, a great big cheesy one, oh
Corners up, point them to the sky
Show the world you win, it's really not that bad
So head up high, just keep it in the air just smile
the 'hole' world will smile if you're happy
Corners up, corners up
everyone looks better with a smile so give us a grin!"

"Will you write that down for me," I said, as I felt my stomach lurch and a strong desire to wee.

It hurt when I went, then I needed to go again moments later and each time I went it hurt even more, oh no... what's happening...What' happening? then I saw blood on the paper, then more and then more

and I was really glad my son had a kung fu class, really really glad as I tried to focus on rainbows and beauty and life and on him

I want to live
I want to live

Before I begin.....

2012-01-30T10:25:00.003Z

Before I begin writing on this label, I'd just like to say I wish I wasn't writing it, I wish I was writing about other things.
I'm an instinctive writer. I'm being told to leave politics and bank bonuses and homeless sunday's spoken about in church and write whatever it is I'm going to be writing. I'm scared and I feel sick but the journey I am taking you on won't last long.

Don't judge me
Judge yourself
then stop judging
and be
just be

Now breathe

One Night

2012-01-28T17:34:00.008Z

This new label, One Night, refers to last Thursday night when I bought my son home from school and I really needed a wee. I went, barely anything, but pain, then five minutes later, the need to go again and within half an hour, not wanting to go, for fear of that pain and then

fear

of all kinds of things

and anger

at all kinds of things

but most of all

the cruel coincidence

that I'd had sex for the first time in fucking ages (don't forgive the pun) and it couldn't be just the good, clean, positive, fun that it was could it?? No.

It's going to be a big label. I think. I don't know.
I was so scared that Thursday night, I felt I had no-one to talk to, felt I had no-one to call and of course, things just rush rush rush into your head that makes you THANK GOD for TRASH TV (Sorry 'benders, you're not trash)

I thought I had cystitus...maybe I do...never had anything like anything before so no idea. Anyway, this thought made me think of sex and the past of course, LOVES to rear it's head. Pissed off are you Rape label that I won't put anything about me on you again? This post definitely the last, definitely, where rape associates with my experience OK?

See, the search for blame...you look everywhere...and the search got really dark after I saw my water was pink and my paper was clotted and it wasn't my period.

My one night stand was just a night, and a morning too. THIS LABEL IS NOT ABOUT THAT, though I will write about it (Hey, ye Who Said I Was Hot, you could be anyone, just like me, so don't sweat it, I just regret writing that I told you I wrote a blog but you didn't ask for the link so guessed you were alright with me writing about you. I wasn't going to write about you anymore than I did. I wasn't. Now who knows when I'll stop. Your fault for being a positive experience.)

This label is about being alone. Being alone with thoughts you can't share with anyone. It's all retrospective of course now, but not really. As I write this, nothing is clear, so writing some things will be really difficult. It's out there. Are they self fulfilling prophecies? What am I creating? I've got to turn that fear which is beneath everything at the moment, into something positive.

This label is about Thursday night which led to Friday morning, where I went to the doctor, which I have to post about, which I don't want to, but what you resist persists God said in those Conversations.

The label has to end on a good note. I've too much blogging experience now to know that it's dangerous to take people on a journey with you... be it to a council flat or to the dentist, although I did take you on my stop smoking journey and it's a year tomorrow that I stopped - Yippee!! Shall I celebrate with you Nico Teen? Awfully hard writing all this...NO! No I shan't! Al Cohol....?

Can't. I'm on antibiotics for a week, my pee sample's been sent to the lab. I will know the result, but you won't, reader. It's an opportunity for me

An opportunity for me to do what stigs?

Well we don't know, do we, self elected leaders of the party that we are.

We just know that things we wanted to write that aren't part of the label will come under the label and that you will know it's over when I write REPENT.

Sunday after the Friday before...The day I asked the angel cards what I can do and the card I got back was from Angel Gabriel, saying he was with me, and to follow the signs... I did that and was told to REPENT.

You lead Gabes, I'll follow...

(and look out for signs!)

If I had a sledgehammer

2012-01-26T13:37:00.004Z

This is the song from Peter Paul and Mary that I posted on facebook the night before yesterday's Lobby. I'd told my facebook friends that a long long time ago, I'd been booed off the stage singing Janis Joplin at a Canary Island karaoke night much to the embarrassment of my super yacht colleagues but had got up again and sung this and a woman from the audience got up and sang with me and we got a really big round of applause!

It's been a tough couple of days joining the lobby front but I'm glad I have joined them. A tough couple of days fighting the welfare reform bill against government rhetoric dividing the poorest sections of our society. The working poor against the welfare poor and the working poor are falling for it. Hook, line and sinker.

Who knew multi millionaires could be so clever?

Confessions to the Reverend

2012-01-26T12:53:00.005Z

At Monday's lobby and again, yesterday's lobby, I met the Reverend who I've met a few times.

Yesterday, of course, he remembered me straight away and came up to say hello.

I told him that on Tuesday I'd done some sums regarding the £26000 cap. How it effects me and how it effects another single mother but who lives in a council flat.

He asked me if I'd send him the figures and I said sure, but please don't say it's me who lives in the private flat. He said he wouldn't.

"Oh Father," I continued. "Working it out was so depressing that I just got really drunk!"

"Oh you mustn't do that," he said.

"I couldn't help it Father. So many people find life so hard at the moment and you need some form of escape..."

"I understand but it's also very expensive,"

"Oh no Father, the supermarket's know how we're feeling and doing some great deals at the moment. You can get a whole pack of beers for £3.50!"

He shook his head, his eyes brimming with sorrow saying "Try, and do send me those figures so I can lobby with them."

"I will Father, today!"

He's replied this morning. "Thankyou very, very, much."

My pleasure Father. Thank YOU.

My absolute pleasure Father given the former Archbishop of Canterbury has sided with the government on welfare handouts, saying bishops "cannot lay claim to the moral highground":

"The sheer scale of our public debt, which hit £1trillion yesterday, is the greatest moral scandal facing Britain today.
If we can’t get the deficit under control and begin paying back this debt, we will be mortgaging the futures of our children and grandchildren.
In order to do this, we desperately need to reform our welfare system." (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091330/Lord-Carey-benefits-cap-Fuelling-culture-welfare-dependency-immoral.html)

Reform our welfare system, not our banking system? You too, are with punishing the poor as you side with the rich Lord Carey?

His own father worked and his mother STAYED AT HOME. "Hard-working people." I am not a person?

He says Duncan Smith "has come to realise that we have betrayed the poorest and most vulnerable by merely throwing money at them, be it income support or housing benefit, with no strings attached."

No, we've been betrayed by a lack of affordable housing, low wages which don't rise with inflation and now beating everyone with a stick as companies sack people by the hundreds. The construction industry alone will lose 45,000 jobs this year.(http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2012/jan/25/construction-industry-lose-45000-jobs-2012) Why no mention of any of this in these articles???

Oh Lord Carey, your fellow bishops aren't wrong. You, like so many others, just can't see the bigger picture. Or don't want to see it.

Yesterday's Evening Standard actually led me to this story. I've tried reading other commentator's in the Daily Mail this morning but it's hurting my eyes too much.

I was blind you see, like them, I admit it, but now I see things in ways I never could before I lost everything at a click of a finger.

That's all it takes

It's that quick

From there you must rise against ever rising obstacles.

The futures of our children and grandchildren indeed.

Preserving hope is easy to say when one is rich hey former Archbishop Lord Carey?

Once again Reverend, thank you very much.

Abuses on the Lobby front line...Cheers Dave

2012-01-26T11:16:00.006Z

The Prime Minister has done a very good job, hasn't he, of pitting the people of this country against one another.

"Divide and Rule!! Divide and Rule!!

There were about a dozen of us who turned up to lobby against the Governnment's Welfare Reform Bill yesterday. Not many, but the Single Mother's Self Defence group and the Global Women's Strike Group and Winvisible, had big banners, and anyway, we were there, standing up for the rights of millions of people.

A man drives past in a van that says "Thrifty" on it. My first assumption is that he's a worker and probably doesn't earn much, then before I can think anything else, he's given us a one fingered salute.

I was so shocked, I walked forward with my own one fingered salute and shouted "Fuck you too!" That's not like me, to be honest, and this morning my anger became clear.

Yes, we were only 12, but one woman in a wheelchair, one woman with a baby in a pram, one young black girl, one young white girl who was also there on Monday and might be one of the organisers, one married mother with a daughter my son's age, one male pensioner, one priest. A pretty wholesome demographic of people. How dare Mr Thrifty stick his finger up at them when they are standing there for his benefit too.

"7 out of 8 housing benefit claimants are in work" shouts one banner.

Anyway, not long after Mr Thrifty's gone, two wealthy looking gentleman walk by and one, the older, balding one, comes up to me and says, in his cut glass accent with venom in it's delivery:

"You should all get a job!"

"Do you have a job?" I ask politely.

"Yes, I've worked all my life. Many years ago I went to Canada when it was freezing cold..."

"Well I'm glad you haven't been made redundant," I interrupt him.

"Wwwwhat?"

"I said I'm glad you haven't been made redundant and are competiting with hundreds of other people for one job."

Bluster bluster then: "I met an Indian lady with two children living in Hampstead! Hampstead! It's disgraceful, these people living in places...."

"Well if there was more social housing, perhaps it wouldn't be such a big problem now would it?" I feel the anger bubbling beneath my surface.

"Where are the father's? Where are the fathers? I have lots of children and I look after them all, where are they!"

After quoting Michael Gove saying pregnancy is a male problem, "a male problem, a MALE PROBLEM Mr Gove the Tory said," I said:

"And how many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"

He stepped back and smirked, shocked then gaffawed, and I was about to sneer "hypocrite" when the pensioner intervened, saying money shouldn't be taken from the needy but taken away from fuelling wars such as in Afghanistan... and they were off..shouting, I couldn't kkep up...The Jews, more protestants that catholics leaving Ireland back during the potato famine... I could'n't keep up, I don't know enough.

The row was broken up and the odious blue-eyed baldy smiled at me skulking off to rejoin his friend who, as I eyeballed the Fascist, didn't look quite so odious, had not come up to us and joined in, kept his distance and so well he might, if he too had nothing good to say)

Some members of the group came up to me afterwards and asked me if I was alright, which was really kind, because you don't really expect that, when the level of abuse you've just received, is what you receive all the time if you read right wing papers. So nothing out of the ordinary really; I shouldn't have been so shocked myself.

I know I shouldn't be at the lobby. I know that I am the Great British Problem. I know that I am universally hated by greater numbers of British society today than ever before (Thanks Dave).

I'm a single mother. I'm 'unemployed' I 'live in a flat hardworking people can't afford' and what none of my fellow lobbyists know, am in reciept of a sickness benefit, so 'disabled' (I do not see myself as disabled but depression is a disease and it's no higher payment than income support, where I could hide my 'disease')

Perhaps for all these reasons it's my duty to be there, so I can stand on behalf of all the men, women and children who cannot be there.

Hit me baby ONE MORE TIME?
I will defend myself
I will defend you

Our first duty is to ourselves.
Without ourselves what hope for our children?

Sex in the 21st Century

2012-01-25T11:55:00.010Z

Last Friday night I had a one night stand.

I'm telling you this because as I accepted the experience for what it was and felt no guilt or shame or anything I thought I might feel, yet nonetheless wondered how should I feel, because, well, I'm two hundred years old and I don't know, there happened to be quite a bit about sex in our mainstream media.

First, Nicola from Big Brother, who used to be a page three girl, told us all, while in the Diary Room with Twins who used to be Playboy Playmates, that she'd only ever slept with three people.
Why are you telling me that? I thought, as the playmates said nothing, which why would they?

Then, in the Daily Mirror, a woman who works on Loose Women, told us how she'd only ever slept with two men and married them both and now was a single mother who was "ashamed" her marriage had failed and had written a book: "Confessions of a Good Girl."

Eh? Good because you've only slept with two people and married them? Good is being a page three girl who has to justify a low number of shags for..what reason?

On Sunday I phone my mum who tells me the priest had given a sermon on sex a couple of sundays back! You have to know my mum to understand why it took her two weeks to tell me that and understand our relationship to understand why I didn't say "Really mum! Do you know I had sex just yesterday morning! With someone I didn't know! What a coincidence!" She couldn't really remember what he'd said however. Darn!

As my mind began to boggle, I fell upon Mariella Fostrups column in the Observer magazine where a 19 year old girl asks her if it's ok to shag the friend she does drama with, if she doesn't want a relationship with him, will he respect her ( 19! Shit, I'm 200 and feel younger than her! shit, I've got to go a lobbying, where's my mag for Mariella's quote??)

"I'm quite concerned this remains a concern for women 50 years after "free love" and the pill radically altered our sexual mores....In a society where sex is regarded as another currency, women should have the same right to squander it as men. If the female of the species still can't enjoy their lives without being judged by such Victorian values, then just what has changed in terms of gender equality?"

Hear Hear Mariella! She then goes on to say what we all know, that sex is much better, more enhanced with someone you love, but it's up to our own "personal predilection" (p52, Observer mag, 22/01)

What I find interesting from ALL of this and what I've been thinking is women are perceived as an anomaly, we are somehow, unknown and therefore dangerous. Is that why we have to say we haven't had sex/only had one partner/two/three don't think bad of me?

Single women are dangerous, single mothers are the most dangerous of all.

Are we really surprised therefore that the government has directed it's fiercest cuts to our children?

The Man Who Said I Was Hot was a Tory
"I bet you vote Labour," he said.
"I don't as it happens," I replied, "I am the leader of my own party. The I Don't Know Party!"
"What?" he laughs. "How can you have policies with I Don't Know?! ha ha ha!"
"I don't know, we don't have policies, just a manifesto, with questions like..."

The Tory party hates me. Hates Stigmums. Well, Lord Freud did say, didn't he, if there weren't children, there wouldn't be the need for cuts...

Fortunately not all Tories are the same, mustn't generalise too much; some are on our side.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/24/welfare-reform-revolt-tory-peers

As for me, I've always said, always

Good?
Don't call me Good

No chance of that now though is there?

"You have no self esteem"

2012-01-25T11:20:00.005Z

On Friday night I had a one night stand.

I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.

"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."

"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."

"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."

"What? No I don't. Do I?

"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"

"Er..."

"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."

"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."

"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."

"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."

"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.

"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."

You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?

He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.

Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.

"You're moving forward," said Jo.

"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."

Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.

And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."

Me!

I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.

(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)

Dreams of Big Fish

2012-01-25T10:53:00.004Z

I was at some kind of party, there were lots of people there chatting to one another but I wasn't talking to any of them, I was just, there.

As I walked through them to the back of the room, I aaw a window and through the window, the enormous eye of an enormous orange, shimmering, fish.

It was staring at me, with its big round eye, which I found quite unnerving. So I turned, and opened a door and found myself on the deck of a boat. There were people there. I turned, to make sure the fish had gone, I imagined it, but it had climbed through the window and was in the room, still staring at me, coming towards me, walking tall, so very big, on its tail fins.

I walked down the deck, very quickly, my heart pounding inside me, and could sense the Big Fish, I turned so I could see what I was running away from, and I saw the other people, none of whom were afraid of this Big Fish, and all of whom were at ease, touching it, smiling at it, as the Big Fish continued to stare at me.

Then I woke up, breathing hard and thought

I have no self esteem

Why am I so afraid when there's nothing to be afraid of?

I told my son about my 'wierd' dream.

"Why didn't you let it carry on mummy?"
"Because I woke up!"
"I had that dream two nights ago that you were dead."
I remembered, he'd come to me at around 10pm crying.
"I told you death means life in dreams didn't I? Maybe it means mummy's got a new life coming to her and my dream is telling me not to be afraid."
"Am I there mummy?"
"You are in me. You are always there even if I can't see you."

"Hug mamma, hug."
"..............."

Fisherwoman's Friends

2012-01-25T10:27:00.005Z

It was too much, too much yesterday, thinking about welfare reforms, my life, where I am. I needed something, something...a drink...Janis Joplin...so I got beer from the fridge and turned the music up really loud then went to get my son at Kung Fu.
Saw The Estimator, who was picking up his son, and told him I'd been having a little party at my house, celebrating my life and he said, laughing, be careful, he could smell it on my breath and offered me a Fisherman's Friend.

Later, I cracked open more beers..the supermarket's got some well cheap deals on at the moment! Oh they know how we're feeling!

Then I went off and got drunk, on Facebook of all places, but as it happened, the best place to be. My friend Jo was there, "swigging" the same as me, so we "clinked" our bottles! Kelly was there, saying she watches Celebrity Big Brother too and lots of my friends, like me, liked Janis
So here you are, as I prepare to go lobbying again this afternoon...

Freedom's just another word...

Rent and Universal Credit capped at £26000

2012-01-24T15:07:00.005Z

There are Tory spies out there, I know. That whole cabinet is going to say thanks Stigmum, now we know how to hurt you and hurt all those other families! Woo hooooooo!

Remember, before I give these figures, how hard I have fought for a council flat, how often I have bidded for some box on some estate you wouldn't choose if you were rich and been unsuccessful.

Subject: The £26,000 cap
Who: Two single mothers
Rent example: One in Private versus one in Council housing

Me:
Rent £350 per week =18,200 a year
£26000
- 18200
= 7800 a year to live on

My friend
Rent £140 per week = £7280 a year
£26000
-7280
=£18720

I worked out that I currently get £7449, excluding council tax
Doubt my friend gets £18700 with her three kids.

You might think £7749 is a lot
All this Tory shouting it's not fair people live in places you hard working people can't afford! Me and my friend live really close to one another, that's how we're friends.

Shockingly, including my rent and council tax, I get £13 more than the proposed £500 weekly cap. Yearly therefore I looked like I'm better off but weekly I'm worse off by £13. Above the proposed cap with £26689. I shall go back to the draw board with this

What's newly frightened me of course, is if I get a job that pays £35,000 a year which means I go home with £26000 after tax (what I read Dave tell Asda) is I only have £7800 to feed (at school too) and clothe and heat and I don't get to see my child at all because I've had to pay someone else to look after him. Who's going to pay me that anyway?

My friend on the other hand, on the same salary, might be able to afford a holiday, in a tent, in Devon (or somewhere). Then again, maybe not, price of rail travel these days.

WE NEED MORE EMPHASIS ON SOCIAL HOUSING
WE NEED MORE EMPHASIS ON AFFORDABLE HOUSING

Not on displacing children
Not removing them from good schools
Not watching their parents so stressed and frightened about an unclear future.

It's not 'workless' parents that ruin their future (if you read the Mail or any other right wing commentator), it's a government that fails to understand the meaning of secure affordable housing because they take their own for granted.

Welfare Reform has been proven to save very little money, an article yesterday in the Guardian saying "The £275m savings as a proportion of the £192bn spent on welfare payments in 2010 is tiny." (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/23/duncan-smith-benefit-cap-poverty?intcmp=239) but this ideologically driven government does not care.

Do you care Tory spy?

I'm off to be sick.

Wrecking amendments - children's lives first

2012-01-24T10:34:00.005Z

I managed to get out and lobby yesterday with the Single Mother's Self Defence crew outside Parliament. There I spoke to the priest I've met a few times, a fierce campaigner of people in debt, and a Lord.

The Lord came out to tell us that they were going vote on two issues

1)Homeless households be exempt from the cuts
2) Child benefit be excluded from the caps.

The Lords were defeated on the former (so fabulous news for my child) but the Government are up in arms at being defeated on the second (truly fabulous news for all children)

To be honest,I feel SO SICK. The cap takes no account of rent, never mind living costs as a parent. You read the papers (don't don't!) and Tory ministers, like Dave, going to Asda and asking workers "Is it fair that people earn benefits of £26,000? (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2090750/Welfare-reform-Labour-bishops-Lib-Dem-peers-derail-benefits-cap-plan.html)

They like to chuck around numbers to get ordinary people really riled up.

Lord Freud, the welfare reform minister, said the Labour amendments were a 'wrecking amendment.' Wrecking their wrecking plans you mean. According to Inside Housing he said:

"It is very easy to see that any local authorities could consider people threatened with homelessness or priority need as any household with children.

‘In practical terms this is the same as not having a cap at all." (http://www.insidehousing.co.uk/tenancies/defeat-for-government-on-welfare-reform-bill/6520086.article)

Laid bare for you...The caps are directed at CHILDREN. The caps are directed at families with CHILDREN. Tory wrecking amendments to children's lives as if their lives aren't already hard enough.

My child, evicted again, risks to his education flare up again and for what? Security? No! No, it's for nothing because his mother can't handle it either.

And I really wish they'd stop banging on about "a culture of worklessness" during a fucking recession where thousands are losing their jobs and hundreds are in competition with one another for one position.

This was not what I was going to write about this morning.

I will go out and lobby again tomorrow. I don't care if I'm nervous, I don't care if I'm shy. It's the Year of the Dragon and that must mean something. Roar...

Message of hope from Lorna Bryne

2012-01-23T12:07:00.002Z

Got this in my inbox this morning.
Sometimes things are really timely.
You get things at the right time, or at the time you need them.
Even if you don't believe in angels, just suspend your disbelief
One thing's for sure, believing in them can't hurt but can comfort

Happy (Chinese) New Year!

2012-01-23T11:44:00.003Z

Year of the Dragon!
(Whatever that means!)
More to the point,
A New Year!!!
An opportunity to start again with something, anything,
Yourself!
It also coincides today with a
New Moon

My advice, is take it easy
breathe
listen to your instincts
Don't lose hope
Start by being kind to yourself
Try and believe that everything will be OK
Just believe that
believe it
believe it
believe it
EVERYTHING WILL BE OK

(I know, quite funny coming from me, but there you go! Happy New Year!)

In which direction do I go?

2012-01-23T11:23:00.003Z

Blogging is reflecting my life.

I want to concentrate on healing myself but then go off and read stuff about housing and feel myself get so angry (Clegg saying this weekend he supports the benefits cap.. I take it personally, he met me, he took my details, he said he would help but I can't see how kicking me and other parents, disabled, elderly, in the teeth is helping
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16671210)

I want to concentrate on healing myself and blog about that. Thousands of other people feel like shit about all kinds of thing, maybe something I might say might make them feel better. Oh I don't know...

I'm obsessed with housing though. I can't help reading about it now there's so much coverage in the press with all these reform bills going through. As you know though, I find it depressing. It hurts. I feel I'm being attacked and I am, benefit recipients are being hit really hard, those in work and those not.

On Sunday, yesterday, I woke up so, so...I don't know, stuck.

I've got angel cards on my bedside table so picked them up and shuffled them. "What can I do? What can I do?

The card I picked was Angel Gabriel, telling me he was with me and to follow the signs.

Signs? What signs?

I continue to blog by instinct then?
I give blogging a rest?
I blog about love?
I blog about housing?
I blog about benefits as a form of defence for others on benefits?
I blog about positive things ONLY
but then where do I put the outside things that drag me down?

At the time the sign was to get out of bed, and given how I feel, that's a mighty good start.
For anyone, not just me.

Healing processes

2012-01-19T13:13:00.006Z

No-one ever said a healing process was easy

(Taken from notebook 20th November 2011)

No-one said a healing process was quick either

Time for a Regime Change

2012-01-19T12:40:00.003Z

Regime change is the replacement of one regime with another - usually understood within a political context, it would be nice to change the Tory coalition - they are all Tory, no libdems - Tory PM, Tory Chancellor, Tory Housing minister, Tory Work and Pensions guy, Tory Transport..oh every position Tory as our country goes from bad to worse...but I Don't Know what replace it with.

However, I am not talking of political regime change
I am talking Franglais
In French, regime means diet
I have to Change my Regime.

My son called me a liar this morning, moments before saying I was fat. Simply because I might have told him last night that I was thinking that when he gets up at 7.30 on the sound of his alarm, I might not hit my own snooze button but instead get up and do some 10 minute exercises.

This morning I hit the snooze button twice and he got really angry with me. I know! Called me a liar! "You said you'd get up and do exercise!" Then said that I was fat! "You're the same as those women in that book before they lost weight," he said. "What book???????" I asked. "That [Paul McKenna's] I Can Make You Thin book." "Where did you find that????? Oh never mind. I never said I would do it, just that I was thinking of doing it...I walk you to school don't I...?"

It's always tomorrow. I go to bed with great intentions for the next day then, somehow...

It's because I'm unhappy. It's comforting to stuff myself. I remembered a box of chocolates I was given for my birthday this morning and 3/4 of it is gone already.

You don't want it but still you eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. binge. eat. binge binge oh lovely oh no.

You've got all the books, all the meditiation cd's, all the free diet advice in newspapers which you read and makes you hungry even though you're not hungry, not for food anyway but for for for

Regime Change
It starts with YOU
Buy nuts don't be nuts

Oh do what you like.

It's your body/happiness/friendlife/lovelife/fitinjeanslife/internalorganslife/feelawakelife/feelawakelife?/feelawakeforwhatlife?/povertylife?/shittyjoblife?/runaroundintheparkplayingfootballlife?/passthebiscuits

REGIME CHANGE

NOW

London Occupy Camp appeal eviction order

2012-01-19T11:24:00.004Z

It won't be long before the London Occupy protest camp outside St Paul's Cathedral will be removed by force.

Today protesters are appealing against an eviction order from the City of London corporation, the big financiers who have no idea how us, the 99% struggle with our lives. Of course with the full backing of the Tory party, whose interests lie within that square mile. They can't stand the symbolic images of church and country, side by side, making the news and reminding people daily of the unfair inequality, educating people daily, that there is an alternative.

I for one am gutted because the Occupy Village is a kind of utopia. One of the times I went there I wondered why there were no charities being vocal about homelessness (that being my thing) and was about to leave when I saw a sign ontop of some tents...HELP THE FORGOTTEN HOMELESS.

I got chatting to one of the guys who'd said he lived on the streets and he'd arrived the night before and had been given a tent. Another had just arrived and made the poster. I'd seen it, come over, been offered a cup of tea by a neighbour and pretty soon we were all chatting.

Imagine this community, where no-one is excluded, everyone has access to shelter, first aid, food and education.

Silly me, perhaps you live in a community which has shelter, first aid, food and education, but if you do it's because it is exclusive, groups excluded. Westminster is desperately trying to rid itself of homeless people so it can pretend the problem does not exist.

There is no homeless problem in the Occupy London camp; what people want is a better world for everyone so now they are going to be evicted.

This global movement for greater equality will continue; don't lose sight of it even if the media tries hard to blind you.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/jan/18/occupy-london-protesters-appeal-eviction
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/jan/18/occupy-london-court-evict-st-pauls?intcmp=239

Unable to lobby when lobbying's needed

2012-01-18T12:41:00.003Z

I missed it yesterday; the single mothers self defence corp lobbying parliament against welfare reforms
I'm missing it tonight; Defend council housing against the 8% rise in tenants' rents.
I am a single mother
I am not a tenant
I am against rent rises everywhere
and against pay freezes

I am not a tenant.

Between you and me, existing tenants enjoy really good affordable rents. I don't think they know, or maybe they do of course, it's why they're lobbying.

What I mean therefore, is, for example, two bed properties that I bid on are around £120 a week. The cheapest are around £118, not much lower.

Existing tenants, their rent might be £84 a week for the same thing. I know!! Fabulous isn't it?!

I'm not not going to the lobby because I'm not a tenant.

In many ways I'm grateful there are more people to shout out against expensive rents. I'm hoarse after begging and begging for 8 years for affordable rents. Only you, reader, hear me, I could hug my followers for not switching off.

I'm not going to the lobby because

well, the fight's not in me at the moment

all I can do is eat
eat
eat
eat
crisps and chocolate mostly

Iceland are doing good deals on them at the moment

My son didn't even know I'd bought a six pack of cheese and onion crisps for £1 because I'd eaten them all before he got home!

The exclamation mark is because I've realised that's quite an achievement!

Actually that doesn't need an exclamation mark
Achievement would be making it to a lobby
Thank you all of those who go.

No rest for the loopy

2012-01-18T12:13:00.004Z

It's just an observation, that's all.
I had my mental breakdown thing when, November?
Less than a month later I received a questionnaire asking me to state why I wasn't fit for work.
Aaaargh, let me sort my head out please...
Then letters from Department of work and pensions saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another,' and not being able to get an appointment in time then getting a sick note for two weeks then getting another letter saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another one or your benefits will be affected..'
and you want to say 'go away go away go away'
"Send us another medical certificate (by the day after tomorrow) if you are still sick and cannot work."

I don't want to be sick ok. You are making me sick ok. Just leave me alone.

Then this morning Jobs in Mind phone to make an appointment and no, just go away
Then I read my emails and see a response from the House of Commons saying my job application has been unsuccessful and
actually that's quite funny
I applied to be a tour guide in the House of Commons
back when I was feeling so down about policy that comes out of that place
Me, showing your kids around, extolling the virtues and values of our political system
I find that quite funny
I do recall laughing when I showed my support worker the application form and being told I shouldn't write "Leader of the I Don't Know Party" under "Anything else you'd like to tell us"
Why not?!

Funniest job application I've ever filled in

Ha ha
ha ha ha

I can't go back on JSA, I can't
Politicians have the last laugh I know, oh and private enterprises who get the jobless for free

The perks were good with that job though
Part time, term time, paid...

Best go phone doc. I won't get the letter in time though...

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, let me sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

You're havin' a laugh....

2012-01-18T11:54:00.003Z

I got a call from the local newpaper late last week asking if I wanted to write an article on the area's nightlife.
"You're havin' a laugh aren't you?" I said to Ed. "I never go out! I'll rise to the challenge though! Thanks!"

I blagged my way into free comedy at the Oxford pub on Saturday. It was good, and I was glad that I wasn't there on my own, surrounded by couples and groups of friends; I was with my 'profession'. I was there as 'reviewer'.

The newspaper deadline was yesterday. My winter wipeout medical questionnaire deadline was yesterday too.

I am REALLY PISSED OFF with myself this morning.

It's fun writing about nightlife, writing for money. Let's enjoy the moment!

Oh bugger, I have to write why I can't do things on this questionnaire. I can at the moment. OH shit, let me think about housing, the job market, let me think myself into a depression. Oh, let me think myself out of it again...

Let me think what pubs you can get pissed in!
Let me think how sometimes I can't communicate.
Let me think what pubs you can watch theatre in!
Let me think how my behaviour upsets people.

I sent one article to the editor
I sent one questionnaire to a machine.

Why didn't I think I might get really depressed today and saved the questionnaire til now instead of puncturing positive thoughts with punitive ones yesterday?

Same reason that when a comedian asked how many parents there were in the room on Saturday night (just me) I didn't stick my hand up.

No, I don't know what that reason is.
You're havin' a laugh aren't you....

Winter Wipeout

2012-01-16T13:07:00.003Z

It's a telly programme I think. Caught some of it at the weekend. Constants have to get across this really difficult assault course and the winner is he or she who does it in the quickest time.

The atos questionnaire I have to fill in to ascertain how fit I am for work feels like the winter wipeout assault course. Anything you write, you think these people who have been commissioned by the government, will knock you straight back into the water. Only there's no swimming to safety with this government game. You have to climb back on to be knocked back down. Careful you don't drown now...

It's how it feels anyway.
Is that how you feel?
I'm exhausted
Wiped Out
"I'm so tired of this shit," I want to write on my form.
Don't give a shit, they'll say.

I'll let you know how they rubber stamp me, bash me, kick me, thrash me.
Just need to get to the end of the form then sign and send it off.

Joy

Friday 13th - Lucky for me!

2012-01-13T15:19:00.003Z

I won two tickets to go and see La Soiree at Camden's Roundhouse this evening.
How lucky, how lucky how lucky am I?
I entered a competition on the I love camden website just before Christmas.
It couldn't come at a better time, this escape escape from my life.
Cabaret! Woo hoo!!! I was desperate to go but couldn't afford it!!
I'm taking my friend Em with me, to say thanks for bailing me out financially when we went out before Christmas. I'm cooking her dinner before we go out (pasta poor girl!)
Thanks so much I Love Camden. So so so so so so so so much!

Also means I can now add a third win to my 'competition winnings' label! Let's hope it grows as long as my 'housing government and council' label - still no luck with happy endings there but live in hope that Camelot might rescue me from that.

Still, Friday 13th, lucky for some, lucky for me with this ticket!

Oh yeah baby, bring it on!

Go Write!!!

2012-01-13T15:05:00.004Z

At my son's school this morning, a literacy workshop for parents and children: "Go, Write!"
Really interesting, informative, great. How they encourage these kids to build their vocabulary and write creative sentences, exemplary.

I get home and there's the ASOS people telling me I haven't sent back the questionnaire about my mental health and my benefits may be affected if I don't return it by next Friday. Go WRITE...

I know you won't believe me but I can't do it.

Yes, yes, I know I've written about four posts this morning and I write articles and letters but I can't write what they are asking me to write.

They are asking me to write an essay describing my illness.

I can write "I feel suicidal" but they won't give a shit about that. Who gives a shit about that? Besides, that's not an essay, it's a sentence. "I had a mental breakdown, I need time to heal so it doesn't happen again" won't wash with them either.

My doctor told me to get Citizen's Advice to help me with it after her colleague told me I'd be found fit for work.

I'm actually ashamed to say I can't do it. Ashamed I can't write the essays. Ashamed to go to Citizen's Advice and say 'help me'.

There are about three essays to write, the thought of which is totally depressing.

Fuck.

I just thought I'd tell you because I am somebody who can read and write so imagine how hard again it must be for someone who can't.

"Go Write!" kids.

I hope you don't find yourself where I am when you grow up.

The new "affordable" social housing

2012-01-13T14:40:00.004Z

I figured while I'm already down, I may as well go into to bid for properties, seeing as I usually can't do it as it drops my mood into a big black hole.

I bid on three out of ten (Lucky bids on all of them and with her 900 + points has turned down all the properties she's been shortlisted for apart from the garden properties where she's been number 2 or 3 on the list so has missed out. I tend to bid for what I don't want to turn down, though in truth, I wouldn't want to live on any of the estates I bid on today. Still, my post isn't about that, so onward...)

I had a glimpse at one bed properties (because I've been advised to bid on one of those...oh don't make me angrier...) and well, I was quite surprised:

1 bedroom affordable rent flat on a small estate. Comprising one good size double bedroom, living room with period feature windows, fully fitted kitchen and bathroom with white suite. 4th floor. No lift. Full central heating. The estate is only a few minutes walk from Russell Square tube station and numerous buses. The successful candidate will benefit from an initial 1 year Introductory AST tenancy and on successful completion of their tenancy conditions, they will be issued with a 5 year fixed term AST tenancy. The rental charge for this property is £226.00 per week which equates to approximately £979.33 per month. Ward: King’s Cross. Approx rent: £226 pw. (Housing Association) "Affordable" ?

Compared to:

1 bedroom flat (single) on an individual block. Open plan living room and kitchen. 1st floor with lift access. The successful candidate will need to demonstrate a strong tie to the Covent Garden area. Sensitive Let. Housing Co-operative. Council Tax Band: D. Ward: Holborn and Covent Garden. Approx rent: £87 pw.

1 bedroom flat (double) in an individual block. 3rd floor with lift access and 1 external step. District heating. Landlord: Camden Council. Council Tax Band: D.
District: Holborn. Ward: Bloomsbury. Approx rent: £126 pw.

or
1 bedroom flat (double) on a large estate. 3rd floor with lift access. Full central heating. Sensitive Let.Landlord: Camden Council. Council Tax Band: B.
District: Holborn. Ward: King’s Cross. Approx rent: £95 pw

Compared to:
2 bedroom flat (1 double 1 single) in an individual block.
4th floor with 36 external steps. Lift access. No adaptations.
No right to acquire. No Pets. Electric storage heating.
Landlord: (Housing Association). Ward: Holborn and Covent Garden. Approx rent: £145 pw.

or what I bid on

2 bedroom flat (doubles) on a small estate. 3rd floor with lift access. District heating. Landlord: Camden Council. Council Tax Band: B. District: Kentish Town. Ward: Kentish Town.
Approx rent: £121 pw.

Watch all rents and all tenancies shoot up to that first one I listed, which touts itself as 'affordable' at £226 per week.

That word "affordable"...I think it's being written out of the dictionary, same with the word "secure"

The fight's not over. I hope I'm wrong.

(and a quick maths test for you... on two I bid for I'm 60th out of 230 and on the third 64th out of 221...work it out!)

Consultations nobody knows anything about

2012-01-13T13:36:00.002Z

I'm wondering if the 22,000 people on Camden's housing waiting list, or the 5 million people on waiting lists around the UK, know the housing minister has issued a consultation on the allocation of social housing and wants their input?

I found out because I follow the minister on twitter...the people I know who are affected by new housing laws/are in council flats/temporary accommodation do not follow the minister (not that he tweets and retweets and retweets this consultation process, no not at all)

I ask because apparently we're consulted on lots of things but I can't recall being consulted on anything that might matter, like the destruction of the NHS or the implementation of a high speed rail network which sees my place on the waiting list slip ever lower as existing council tenants have their homes bulldozed and have to be found alternative like for like accommodation.

I am also now suitably cynical having marched against a war that went ahead to know that it doesn't matter whether we're consulted or not, the government will go ahead with what it wants to go ahead with even if the Lords step in and defeat their amendments.

At my volunteering yesterday, a person there who works within housing at the council did not know there's a national consultation going on.

This consultation is for us:
This consultation, says the minister, is aimed primarily at local authorities. Housing associations, social housing tenants, and waiting list applicants, as well as voluntary and community organisations representing tenants and applicants are also expected to have an interest

Next week (oh really stiggers? really?? can't we just get it over with now?) I'll see how new policies hurt me and my son. From what I've read already, the minister likes to hurt me and my son. What hurts us hurts millions and I can best demonstrate how I feel about it if I write about how I feel about it because I wouldn't be surprised if others felt the same way as me.

Here it is for you. It's 70 pages long but you can skim it:

http://www.communities.gov.uk/publications/housing/allocationofaccommodation

(Oh Stigs, why can't we put links up anymore that highlight and lead people straight there?)

A message from your GP - R.I.P

2012-01-13T11:29:00.005Z

I'm going to copy out a flyer that was at my doctor's surgery. I'm going to copy it out after reading in the Mirror on wednesday of an ex X factor contestant who died of bladder cancer. Someone very close to me had bladder cancer but because that person was very fortunate to have private insurance, that person was seen and dealt with very quickly and as a result is still alive.

Meanwhile, the flyer also mentions the rail service. The rail service! What might that have in common with the NHS?!
Rather alot currently with the High Speed rail plan that the posh don't want because it'll ruin the countryside and the poor don't want because they won't be able to afford it, after they've lost their homes in a bulldozing exercise that is.

(http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2086170/High-speed-rail-plans-fly-face-measures-cut-spending-elsewhere.html?ito=feeds-newsxml)
(http://www.insidehousing.co.uk/development/mp-urges-camden-to-fight-high-speed-rail-project/6519909.article)

A MESSAGE FROM YOUR GP

As GPs we are extremely concerned about the negative effects this re-organisation of the NHS would have on our patients.

The NHS currently includes the 'Providers' of care (hospitals and GPs) and the Administrators. Administrators monitor the quality of services. They also "commission" services from the 'Providers' that means they decide what sort of services the Hospitals and GPs should provide so that the whole population is best served within the limits of the NHS budget.
As a proportion of the UK budget the NHS costs about 8% - this is less that the average for most develped countries like France or Spain.

THE LATEST REORGANISATION.

The governments [sic] proposed changes would de-nationalise the NHS so that in the long run all hospitals would essentially become private and the only role of the NHS would be to buy services with a limited pot of money. This is similar to our national rail service which is expensive even though it gets huge government subsidy every year and still leaves many users dissatisfied.

(Then there is a picture of a tombstone with the engraving:)
NHS
R.I.P
1948 - 2011

We don't think the NHS is perfect, but we do think it is very good considering what it costs the taxpayer. Another large reorganisation is the last thing the NHS needs. The NHS was improving in many ways until recently and patient satisfaction has been improving.

Reorganisations cost a lot of money and lead to chaos fro some years. We think that this reorganisation would cost the taxpayer more for a worse service as profits would go to shareholders or large companies.

The End (ok, it doesn't say The End, that's just for you, so you know that it's back me writing)

The government had no mandate for the total destruction of the NHS service
There is no proper consultation on the billion pound highspeed rail service most people don't want but the government is going ahead with it anyway.

It's the new doctor's consortium which has written this flyer.
I think they are actually saying R.I.P to us, the patients.

I've known it for years and now you do too.

Do people have to wait to die because they can't afford to live?

Jobs in Mind...

2012-01-12T17:39:00.003Z

It wasn't the mental health charity Mind I had an appointment with yesterday, it was another charity called Jobs in Mind.

My interview ran over which I won't go into here apart from suffice to say, this self elected leader of the I Don't Know party kept saying "I don't know if I want to work, yes I do want to work, no I don't want to work, I do want to do a job that I love that suits my life, I don't want to be forced into looking..."

This charity, I was able to see objectively after about 15 minutes, is amazing actually. They support you back into work. They help with your cv, they help with application forms, they can do mock interviews with you.

For the long term unemployed (and it doesn't take six months to get depressed about it really, so imagine what it's done to me) something like this is a godsend because jobseeking for so many, is soooooooo depressing. To have someone support you without pressurising you into anything, well, I imagine you might pick up some self worth on the way but also have someone who understands your anger and frustration when it's another job you haven't got, another company you haven't heard from.

Sounds great don't you think?

One problem.

In order to access this service you have to have a mental health problem.
In order to access this service you have to be referred by a support worker or social worker.
Apart of me was depressed to even be there.

"I don't want to be like them," I said to the woman.
"Like who?" she answered.
"Like all those depressed people, all those people who can't see a way out, all those people who just feel hopeless about their lives, all those people, well, that feel like I do."

Lucky.

I am lucky.

I am really lucky. 2.7 million unemployed people do not have access to this service although the charity would love to extend its service to 2.7 million people. Funding though ey....

She said she'd be in touch in a couple of days then must have seen my eyebrows shoot up or something because then she said "A couple of weeks" and I breathed closing my eyes.

In an ideal world, I would go from ESA straight into a job. Not from ESA to JSA back to the Big Black Hole which is what I'm frightened will happen now.

Well done Spartacus Report people for getting the Lords to triple defeat the government on timelimiting ESA and benefit rights for disabled people. People I know are very much worse off than me.

Typical this know nothing clueless care-less Government are vowing to overturn it:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/12/welfare-reform-government-reverse-defeat

No idea, none that there is a ton of blood not to mention increasing mental illness attributable to them and their ideological tearing apart of the fabric of our society.

Rising crime is the only way you'll know our country's sinking if politically you stand to the Right. Will those papers report the rest?

I hope so.

When volunteering is not good for your health

2012-01-12T13:18:00.005Z

Steering group meeting today with the group of volunteers I volunteer with.
It's often brilliant to see these people because they are brilliant people
Many of the parents that I volunteer with are already in part time paid employment or like the (founder?) of the Grandparent's Association, campaign voluntarily elsewhere.

We discussed lots of things in the meeting but one of the things we discussed was our next workshop day which is going to focus on, of all things, housing. rrrrrargh 0 to -60 instantaneously as my whole body tenses.

I've got a pukka job at these workshops, as volunteer journo, but I came out of the meeting today in my automatic default suicide position and then finding myself there and reminding myself I have a child so get with it for fucks sake

800 families privately renting and claiming housing benefit in Camden are going to have to move as a direct result of benefit caps, I heard, in the meeting.

One of workshops (there tend to be three) on our workshop day, is going to advise people about the rent caps. We're going to try and wheel in a councillor to talk to the group and advise people about what they can do.

So pointless. So totally utterly pointless. I'm sat there shaking my head and holding the sick feeling in my throat as though the action might remove my head from my shoulders and I can be GONE.

However, I must remember that maybe some of these 800 families have never faced eviction before, or twice before, or thrice before and therefore won't know how utterly pointless any advice is from a local councillor (or minister for that matter).

You know, I did actually make some people laugh at the meeting. Not about housing, no, ha ha ha how could you think that?! No, just about something I read in the Guardian where charities are too afraid to speak out in support of the people they are registered to help incase their funding gets reduced. Yeah Yeah, what a charity said to me...needing to remain 'impartial.'
One woman's sister might lose her job for querying some reforms being tabled at the local prison. The advice is for her to keep her mouth shut or she'll be claiming JSA with 2 million other people.

How did I make people laugh. Well I sang didn't I, Olivia Newton John:

Let's get cynical cynical
We gotta get cynical
Let us hear these Bodies talk, these Bodies talk...!

As the group laughed I could hear my son in my deep subconscious shout "Be quiet mummeeeeeee" and me shouting back "I can do what I like in MY OWN BEDROOM SON"

I'm so cynical cynical
don't wanna be cynica-a-al
can you hear my feelings talk
my feelings balk
Can you hear my feelings talk?
OHHHHHH I'm so cynical, are you cynica -a-alllllllllll
Can you hear your feelings talk?

Too depressed to write today

2012-01-10T12:30:00.006Z

It's too much. Too much too much too much

I shouldn't read, even good articles like George Monbiot's Making Democracy Safe for Business:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jan/09/bankers-protesters-squatters-cameron

or one's delivering avoidable news like this one:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2012/01/10/child-poverty-gap-widening-between-tory-areas-and-the-inner-cities-115875-23692250/

or the articulation that the attack is on all sides and only the Lords can save us: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/10/welfare-reform-lords-blows-poor-disabled?CMP=twt_gu

Then tomorrow Single Mother's Self Defence are protesting the welfare reform bill outside parliament. I want to go. I so want to go:

Women are coming to us very distressed about the Welfare Reform Bill and how it will affect them. They are terrified by total insecurity -- from the cuts to housing benefit and the benefit cap, to impossible jobseeking, work and childcare conditions, under the threat of sanctions applied to unwaged and low earner alike. They fear their benefits will be cut off and they and their families will be forced into unbearably overcrowded homes, or they will be made homeless, destitute and even end up on the street.

Women, who have the first responsibility for families and are often keeping an eye on elderly neighbours and other vulnerable people in our communities, are already exhausted and overworked. They feel desperate. Living costs are soaring and they can’t afford to put the heating on. Food banks have become a reality for many women who have recently lost their jobs. Vital local services are disappearing – afterschool clubs, homecare, day centres – at the same time as they will be forced away from loved ones by compulsory back-to-work schemes, and the housing benefit and overall benefit caps. The Bill will have life-threatening consequences, many more than hit the headlines.

I wanted to go, be with people like me, feel some strength through empathy and understanding.

I can't go though.

I have an appointment with Mind.

It was made for me, to help me fill in job application forms, I didn't make it myself.

I've a mind not to go. I'm sure they help lots of people, infact they do.

Pressure.

I want to curl up and pretend I'm a billionaire and that all human's have bad days and hey, look on the bright side, Cameron's going to scrap my 50p tax rate and make me richer.

Maybe I should blog about other things

Maybe I shouldn't blog at all

Desire

There is a flame that burns within me after all

Don't tell me what I can and cannot do.

What I should and should not do.

Leave me alone

Shapps says housing allocation unfair, but for wrong reasons

2012-01-09T15:02:00.005Z

For once it seems me and the housing minister agree when he says that the housing allocation system is unfair but this little report, as I glance with mine eyes, is flawed beyond belief and kicks me into an early grave...

Flexible tenancies for all which you know I'm against

"a new 'Affordable Rent' tenancy will be offered by housing associations to some new tenants of social housing from April 2011. Affordable Rent properties will offer fixed term tenancies at a rent higher than social rent - with landlords able to set rents at up to 80 per cent of local market rents. How can affordable rent be higher rent? Ey?? EY??????

As for the likes of statorily homeless like me:

"Currently some homeless families are turning down the decent private rented accommodation they've been offered as a settled home, and demanding to be provided with expensive temporary accommodation, at huge cost to the taxpayer, until a social home becomes available."

Demanding? Where did he get that?

Private renting not expensive? PRIVATE RENTING NOT EXPENSIVE? So why the cap? Why are thousands going to lose their homes? Fortunately statutorily homeless are exempt from this, so that's why they want everyone to go private, so no-one is exempt from punitive legislation and insecure housing.

A two bedroom private flat near me is £450 a week according to local estate agent office which is £100 dearer than me here in temporary.

Here's the bloody awful article which I stupidly read, then wept:

http://www.communities.gov.uk/news/newsroom/ - oops, it's dated 2010 - fuck - after I sent ministers my Diary of an Election Eviction which I'm thinking more and more they used as a template for cuts...

This is the article where he says people play the system. I left a comment on it, because I no longer have words, apart from it's all shit, all shit what spouts out of this coalition.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/housing-network/2012/jan/10/housing-executives-shapps-comments

or the original diatribe of total lack of understanding: http://www.communities.gov.uk/news/housing/2060990

You have to ask yourself if any politician cares

2012-01-09T14:21:00.005Z

It was a dream I had, to write to the chancellor. "Oh go away nightmare!" I screamed but it wouldn't. The image of the chancellors face floated before me with the words "God forsaking coalition" and the voice saying "write to him". It's hearing the benefit review hadn't gone through yet just after the new year which spurred me to action....

5th January 2012

Dear Right Honourable [Chancellor of the Exchequer],

Tell me, please, is everyone blind to the country’s housing crisis in this God forsaking coalition?
I am writing to you because I am hoping you are not. I am hoping you can communicate a level of understanding of where our country is amongst your peers.
I have enclosed two pieces of writing I had published last month which I am hoping you will find time to read. One is a viewpoint in the Ham & High; the other a letter in the Camden New Journal. My fear is that they are timeless pieces no matter which Party is in power. I hope I am wrong.
Sir, capping benefits, lowering housing allowances, are not the answer to the catastrophe in front of us. Replacing a focus on refurbishing empty properties and building affordable housing is. Not what’s affordable to you and your cabinet but affordable to me and my fellow country men and women.
Rent should be kept out of the Universal Credit equation the coalition is intent on pushing through. It may all sound great in theory but in practice it will only devastate more lives. Crime is already increasing.
I have never written to a chancellor before. I didn’t think a chancellor could do anything but of course they can; of course you can. Do you care for our country and all the people within it?
Mr [Chancellor], our country needs you.
I hold faith that your influence can help heal the problems that have accumulated over decades in the housing sector.
Watch It’s a Wonderful Life Mr [Chancellor]. It is sadly a timeless film where today people actually are hurling themselves over bridges (Archway Bridge near me).
Don’t be a Potter Government Sir. Not now, not anymore.
I look forward to hearing good news and soon. There is time to review the legislation that sees our country suffering no end. Your country is mine but we are not in it together.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I hope you can see what I’m saying.
Yours sincerely,
Sue de Nim

I wish I'd written:
P.S: Is parenting a job?
P.P.S: Please don't charge me to access my son's maintenance. We're in enough debt as it is.

Missed opportunities ey but let's hope, let's hope that this cabinet aren't all in it together and that one has a flipping conscience and the brain in his head to bring about positive change for the masses not the few.

How the Duke depressed me on Christmas Eve

2012-01-09T14:07:00.003Z

Oh how chance, I believed, might favour me in the days before Christmas when I heard a grand old Duke (not of Cambridge, he's a young one)patron of a homeless charity (again not the young one who also is) would be present at a carol service.

Here's the letter I handed to him, which he put in his breast pocket and said he'd read later. Which he did, and responded to straight away, which was great as no-one ever does that. However, he wrote there was nothing he could do, no-one he could influence, but "every success" with my lobbying. Oh the rage, I could only see black. So I wrote a response in my Black Notebook but haven't sent it. Should I? I feel my blood boiling again...

(Oh and Google told me how to address him because in truth, I had no idea)

20 December 2011

To Your Grace, the [Grand Old] Duke of [X],

If I have hand delivered you my article, then my prayers have been answered. If this letter and my article in the Ham & High have been passed to you, my prayers have also been answered because I was very nervous of approaching you at the Church of the Immaculate Conception’s carol service reception.
In short, Your Grace, I am asking you to help me help our country.
What the Government is about to do in regards to housing will destroy the lives or indeed life chances of so many people.
As you many know, the coalition wishes to abolish council housing, end life time tenancies, increase social rent to market share, and amongst other things, re-introduce the Right to Buy which got us into this mess in the first place where there is not now enough affordable housing for ordinary men, women and children.
I have appealed to Government ministers many times, to no avail. Articles I have written in the Ham & High and other papers, have gone unnoticed.
You have connections your Grace. Please, on behalf of everybody I mention in the article, see what you can do in order to halt this catastrophe. Or make those with power understand what they are unleashing.
Thankyou Your Grace. It was a coincidence I was at the carol service at all. My local church is elsewhere but on Sunday came to Farm Street to thank God for everything that I’ve got. The music is so stunning, it’s a beautiful service.
I do hope you can help me. I’ll put my details at the bottom of the page should you wish to contact me.
I wish you and your family a very happy Christmas and all the best in 2012.

Yours faithfully,

Sue de Nim

A dream's reality just beyond reach

2012-01-09T11:33:00.003Z

How do I write this without getting bogged in detail? My dream of yonder night, where I was pregnant in some kind of execution quad and two Asian people appeared before me.

Saturday..I take my son to Kung Fu. The centre is near Papier Mache Towers where I used to live. I decide that I will go there as my doctor sent a letter there - tell the new occupants of the flat to forward any post that comes in (there is more to this but that's what I mean about getting bogged down)

I pop into the my old Hairdresser first to wish SuperMario a happy new year and settle down with a cup of coffee. I read page 15 of Thursday's Daily Express - ooh the day I wrote to the Chancellor - Somalians claiming £2000 a week in rent. The trotted line of people living in luxury flats hardworking people can't afford. No balance in the article about the need for more social housing.

Pick up my son, go to Papier Mache Towers. New occupants aren't in but the neighbours - the couple who got the flat I bid on and didn't get - are there. Flip, just this little story is too massive actually... I give you bones ok?

She tells me she was two years waiting. "Refuse temporary". I refused temporary too..I didn't get a flat. She, her husband and child viewed SEVEN flats. In the same time frame, I viewed NONE. I wish her and her family well though, and I leave.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT

My dream! In 2010, I mentioned this family in my CNJ article. One of two shortlisted that day. How 500 points after 2 years when my son and I were 350 after 7?

If, if if if if if, they agree to give me the breakdown of their points, a lawyer might take my case for discrimination. Take my case that the system is flawed, unfair.

Oh my heart!

I recall the film documentary maker who bumped into me on Friday morning. I turned down the chance to be in a programme later aired as "Pramface" but he took down my number again anyway.

What if if if if.

Wow. With this couple's help, I can take on the local council and with the documentary maker's input, we turn the story into a national one, which it is, and keep social housing high in the political eye.

I feel sick with desire, feel sick with hope.

I drop my son off at a party. I go back to the Hairdresser, tear out the Daily Express article. Go back to the couple at Papier Mache Towers.

The mother invites me in. I speak slowly to be understood, and she does, she does understand. "Don't be frightened I say, you won't lose your home." "Council no happy," she says. "I will protect you," I answer.

She says her husband is at work, he makes the decisions. "Talk to him," I say. "You don't have to decide now. I will go to the law centre, get advice. You know, I don't plan these things. Three days ago a lawyer's card fell out of a box when I was cleaning and I throw it away! Please help me, please. You will be helping everyone."

Later I got really depressed. Really, Really Down. Don't think that they won't help, don't think that they won't help they won't help they won't help don't think they won't help they will help they will help

I didn't help myself though..well I did..helped myself to Al Cohol but that isn't exactly what sees us through

Is it?

Pregnant standing in the Killing Fields - a dream

2012-01-06T13:08:00.006Z

I was pregnant in my dream last night. Quite heavily so, standing in a courtyard.
I could hear people being executed. I could hear gun shots.
Around the corner of a concrete building walked two people, two Asian people; a man and a woman in army green prisoners fatigues.
I wanted to look away, I didn't want to see them get shot but they simply stood there looking at me and as I recognised them I woke up.

I didn't/don't know what it means really though I when I was little my dream job was to go to places like Cambodia and inform people what was happening there. I would report injustice. I didn't do that though did I? I did a whole load of different jobs but not that one.

Google's just told me my being pregnant is a good sign

Dreams about pregnancy often symbolize creativity, new ideas, projects or relationships. (http://www.luciddreaminghowto.org/dreams-of-being-pregnant.html)

I hope so I hope so I hope so

For all those caught in wars right now, globally, everywhere, my thoughts are with you.

Now, what am I going to do with my life?

I want to kill myself

2012-01-06T12:42:00.015Z

The very fact that I am quite open about the desire to kill myself means that I will never do it.

I am open about it on this blog so you may understand the mindsets of people who aren't open about it, who never mention it, but of course, just one day do it.

I could have told the doctor this morning I wanted to kill myself but she would have ignored it as it's on record that I've said I want to but will never do it. (ha ha ha the sardonic chuckle)

The welfare system now, as it's been "reformed", does not manage people's problems as it did in the past, but just makes them worse.
(I've pinched that line from Public Enemies, the bbc drama about a probation officer and an ex offender who doesn't "comply" with his parole..says he was innocent of his crime..so put as 'high risk' and punished accordingly..ends tonight)

It makes me sad you know, the rise we will see in suicides. Crime is rising; muggings, burglaries, stabbings, that kind of thing.

A cheery thought though (for me admittedly). I read in this month's Soul and Spirit magazine an article by the Barefoot Doctor who said whether the world ends this year or not, we should live as though it is and make the most of it.

"So," he says. "if this really were your last year on Earth, what would you like to make happen that would truly fulfil you and make you feel as if you've had your money's worth this time around? Again, I'm not talking about external things, such as a car, house, relationship, baby, job, etc but, more importantly, the inner feelings that would make your entire system hum: a new resolve, discipline, enlightenment, self-confidence, creativity, passion, awareness and the enjoyment you wish to feel.......Remember, as the great writer Bernard Shaw once said, 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, so think about what you'd like more of, and go for it."

Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create...

"You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"

2012-01-06T11:54:00.003Z

There are many tentacles to this crushing, suffocating system I'm trapped in and call me weak but I often feel crushed and suffocated by it.

Take the letter I got yesterday saying I needed to send a new medical certificate by Monday or my payments would be stopped.

My doctor's appointment wasn't until Tuesday. I couldn't get an earlier one when I booked a month ago. So I had to make an emergency one and 'luckily' some other doctor had a cancellation this morning.

Doctors too, especially now since the government has clamped down on sickos, are a tentacle to this crushing, suffocating system.

This one had never met me, just read a few notes on the computer, clearly thought I "looked" fine and said: "You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"

Oh I wanted to hit her. Not her..the System. RRRARGH. "I know," I said. "I've got a questionaire to fill in which I can't bring myself to do at the moment."

The questionnaire is twenty pages long...

No I don't have a community psychiatric nurse
No, I'm not waiting for chemotherapy
Yes I can move 50 metres before I have to stop
Yes, I can move 200 metres too...school run is further than that you know..
I can go up and down two steps
I can move from one seat to another without help
I can sit in one place for an hour without help (though who can stand, really, apart from the Queen's Guards?)
I can pick up a 2 pint carton of milk
And the number of times we've been evicted, yes, an empty cardboard box

(I must take a break here and mention that I am aware of how lucky I am, much luckier than someone who can go up two ateps but not five and much luckier than someone waiting for any kind of hospital appointment)

But hang on, I'm a mental case not a physical one
Can I start and finish daily tasks?
There are coping with change questions, going out questions, coping with social situation questions.

In the multiple choice of answers of whether I can do any of them there is "No" "Yes" and "It varies" then write an essay on why my behaviour upsets people and how often.

You know what?

How can a single mother say she is not "fit for work"

She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be done for neglect and her child be taken into care.
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be sectioned under the mental health act and her child will be taken into care.

Of course I'm fucking fit for fucking work
I'm just not fit for the kind of fucking work you want me to do right now ok.
Just because you tell me I am fit doesn't mean I am. LEAVE ME ALONE.

It's a patronising crushing suffocating system and I wish the doctor had just kept her mouth shut and told me to focus on getting better instead.

She's given me two weeks

Better than a kick in the teeth I guess

If only there was a way of not thinking of any of this shit

That's what gets people down

down

DOWN

Don't think about it

Breathe
again
Breathe

Let faith be your shield

2012-01-04T11:02:00.004Z

I unearthed this poem yesterday when having a big clearout, that my son's class performed a couple of years ago.

"It's not a poem mummy, it's a song," said my son.

Here it is, I don't know who wrote it, but I like it and so might you.

When a knight won his spurs, in the stories of old,
He was gentle and brave, he was gallant and bold,
With a shield on his arm and a lance in his hand
For God and for valour he rode through the land.

No charger have I, and no sword by my side,
Yet still to adventure and battle I ride,
Though back into storyland giants have fled,
And the knights are no more and the dragons are dead.

Let faith be my shield and let joy be my steed
'Gainst the dragons of anger, the ogres of greed;
And let me set free, with the sword of my youth,
From the castle of darkness the power of the truth.

Back to Housing...2012

2012-01-04T10:31:00.006Z

I have just written a lovely post about my son back at school. Lovely for me, not for you necessarily.

The Back to School label was going to harbour a post about my son, yes, but also, blogging. Back to blogging

Back to blogging...

Back to housing?

Well I don't know

I asked myself why I had a housing 2011 label last year. I should have given myself a break from it, not thought about That Which Makes Me Want To Kill Myself.

I know why I didn't though; the legislations were still untabled (untabled?) I could still try to stop them going through.

Ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Oh my God, what was I thinking?!!!

That even if I'd put more into it, possibly written more articles, or letters, or tweets to the housing minister no-one would be losing their homes this year, thousands instead would move into secure affordable ones???!

Oh my, I'm so funny!!!! Fantastically deluded!!!!

I do not know why I have set up a Housing 2012 label. I think I had a thought over the holidays that I would have to start thinking about bidding this year and the label MIGHT help me do that. But what more can I tell you about bidding that I already haven't? Jack shit, that's what.

Listen, I'm going to send my It Could Be You article to a couple more politicians. Need to follow those voracious dreams I had over Christmas even if it's pointless (talking of which my points should go up this year...ten years in the borough..ten years....a decade...oh my God, a decade lost, lost to...)

After that, well I Don't Know

See what comes ey

I'm told I'm protected from the housing benefit cuts but I'm not protected from arrears if I get a job (parenting is a job isn't it?), am I? Are you?

"Happy New Fear!" the Estimator said to me in the coffee shop this morning.

Years I've been afraid, years, you know, three of them are recorded.

For an Estimator to say Happy New Fear

well all I can say is

Welcome to my world all you middle classes

Back to School

2012-01-04T10:18:00.003Z

The boy was excited!

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, hallelujah, hallelujah, HALLE-E-LUJAH!!

First time ever, it seems!

"See my friends mummy!"

Oh he's never said that before; scared my little mite, of the taunting.

BUT but! I positioned myself with the Mothers Who Don't Like Me at the winter fair and so the kids could see

THEN, the Ham and High kindly offered a bridge, in the form of panto tickets to The Enormous Turnip where I invited all my son's closest friends and all the mothers, bar one - c'mon, I'm not that forgiving. "I have a ticket for your child," wrote I and of course he couldn't come but at least she let me know.

The Foca has traded weekends with me so our son can go to A's birthday (so lucky I got Christmas and New Year waking to my Sun..three weekends in a row....lucky!)

All his buddies are attending.

My son my sun, I wish you the best in 2012. I wish you renewed confidence within yourself, self belief and self worth, lots of laughs and humour, and yes, you are back to school, so the best of your more than capable abilities in all you endeavour.

I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you, now and forever

Amen

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T17:57:00.006Z

Happy New Year everybody
Coalition cuts start biting today
So yes, really,
I do wish you a happy new year
Olympics!
Woo, heard they're throwing an extra £41m to the opening and closing ceremony!
Diamond Jubilee!
Tip the disabled out of their wheelchairs to pay for that!

Voracious dreams I've had, thanks to a head cold
Nose, throat, ears
Keep blogging said a voice
Accept the fight
Rrrarghh I coughed up the knives of phlegm

I don't know if I have it in me
to continue Stigmum
(I see you're adding a new label
that old battle not over by a long chalk
I know...)
but I really do wish
you
and you
and you
and yes you too
oh and me aswell, why not
the very best of 2012

Believe

Our Advent Calender

2011-12-20T13:37:00.004Z

After my son opens a window he dips his little hand into the Quality Street tin I bought reduced in the supermarket.
Before he knew we were doing this he was so upset I wouldn't get him a chocolate calender but I told him the whole point of Christmas, the whole message was lost to him.

"It's not all about presents, presents, presents you know!"

Tis though innit, about gifts.

The gift of life; our families, our friends, our selves.
It's a moment to celebrate all we have and be thankful for it.

I wish you all a very very Merry Christmas and a bountiful New Year!

Overcompensating at Christmas time

2011-12-20T13:12:00.004Z

I have totally been an overcompensating mother this Christmas.

My son wants certain things and well, I've seen that he gets some of them.

I say some of them, there were lots, and I've passed the cheaper ones to his dad.

I couldn't help myself, even though my heart was in my throat at the Emirates Stadium yesterday.

I thought my newspaper article would cover the cost of the kit, but no...

Then buying that football Fifa game that you know, you know will be reduced after Christmas. Took the whole bill, for those two things, to over £100. Daylight robbery really...

Does the cost of these things mean my child goes without this Christmas?

That's what I mean...I overcompensate

I have one child. Other people have many. You can't always give your kids what they want....

"Mamma, the way you talk, I think Santa doesn't exist."

"Who knows son, who knows..."

"You do mamma!"

"What makes you think that? I don't know!"

I enter an altered reality at Christmas time. Just to see the joy on his face. Santa needs to exist for me because my son knows we don't have money. How can "I" afford what I give him? At the same time I'm trying to teach him the value of money...ho ho ho!

Why is it, just an aside, the bank charges so teeny interest on savings, but so massive on debt?

Still they're lending....

Next year we'll all be singing Wham with re-jigged lyrics.

Next year, if I don't chance to wish you well for it later, I wish you well for it now!

Happy 2012!

Hopeful Horoscopes Hosanna!

2011-12-20T13:03:00.004Z

Do you need to do some talking? Or do you need to do some listening? There's a point you are keen to communicate. Understandably so. It is important. Indeed, we have to ask, if it matters so much, why is it not already self-evident? Is it because you can see further than someone else. Is it because you have information that someone else is oblivious to? Perhaps a third party can help you to find some way to draw it to their attention. You can't just hold up a megaphone and shout. It's necessary to be subtle and sensitive. What joyous potential can 2012 bring you?
(Jonathan Cainer)

I'm going to a carol concert tonight, which is followed by a champagne reception, dahling.

I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to listen, but I know I have to pass information. I have a chance to pass information.

It calls for Magic Pants and Pearl Earings I think

(and no, I haven't blogged about that yet, but I will, now the need to pull them out pops up again)

Wish me luck. Oh God, a little bit of luck oh, and an ability to talk, to listen and to SING!!!

Tra la laaaaaaa a a a a oh!

Conversation with handsome man on the tube

2011-12-19T17:06:00.005Z

Jumping on a northern line train, late at night

"Not being funny," I say to a handsome man in a red jacket sitting next to me. "This is exactly the same seat I was sitting on three hours ago when I took the train into town."
Looks at me with a faint smile...
"Yeah, really," I continue. "This Glamour flyer was on this seat, just like it was on this seat just now, where I left it!"
"Maybe it's telling you something," says the man. He had a slight antipodean accent, hmmm, nice looking guy!
"Telling me..." I look at the flyer again offering six issues for a pound plus a free gift.. "Sorry Glamour, I can't be arsed. You know what though," turning back to the good looking man. "It's almost like when you say 'Stop the world, I want to get off,' then you get back on exactly where you left, though, different perspective..maybe...."
"This'll blow your mind," he says. "That ticket was actually on my seat. I moved it onto yours."
"Oh really? Maybe the person who came on after me moved it onto your seat and then you moved it back...."
"Maybe you were sitting here," he says.
"Hmmm, was I? No. No I wasn't, I was definitely sitting here!" and laughing I grab the pole with my left hand as though clutching onto it for dear life.

Then with perfect timing, before I could make a total idiot of myself, the train reached my destination.

"This is me! A very merry Christmas and nice talking to you!"

"Nice talking to you too! Merry Christmas!"

I didn't look back and oh flip, I just realised I didn't look in the Metro today to see if he'd left me a message. Darn! Oh well, he wasn't meant to be!

It's a wonderful life!

2011-12-19T16:17:00.006Z

Saturday afternoon, having made no plans with anyone while my boy's away, I saw online that the Prince of Wales theatre in Leicester Square, was showing It's a Wonderful Life.

I love that film, though only ever remember seeing it on a teeny portable, so seduced by a big screen and a £4 entry (I'm a member of the cinema!!) off I went.

Do you know, I never realised that the film was all about housing! Yeah! Ok, not all about housing but Bailey's Buildings and Loans is central to the whole film. George, dreams of going travelling but has to stay and run his father's company, which offers loans and affordable housing for the town's inhabitants.

The alternative for the town of Bedford Falls is wealthy slumlord Potter, who evicts people who can't afford his high rents... Remind you of anything today? Any party in particular?

After marrying and raising four children George starts up Bailey Park, an affordable housing project so people have an alternative to Potters expensive rents in rundown slums.

Towards the end of the tale, George goes to commit suicide off the local bridge (our local paper is awash with people doing the same thing over Archway Bridge (though there's a road beneath it, not water like in the film so sorry sorry sorry about the pun).

Bedford Falls without George is Potterville. The housing project doesn't exist. The high street with its mix of independent stores and buildings are now nightclubs, pawnshops, strip clubs. My street is all tanning centres, saunas, cafes and five supermarkets. Five! Like we need five. You can only buy clothes in one of three charity shops on my high street. The road's not even a mile long.

Just last week Mary Portas delivered a damning report on our high streets. We're all supposed to go to malls now. Welcome to the new American State of Great Britain...Free healthcare? Ha ha ha, get an insurance...

It is a lovely film, much lovelier than I've described here. Mary (Donna Reed), George's wife, is so beautiful. George (James Stewart)...

I cry everytime I see this film but what I noticed on Saturday is that I start crying after George has been rescued by the angel Clarence.

I howl as all his friends come to help him after his wife has gone out and told them he's under arrest.

One word though to people watching it on their own.
The inscription inside a copy of Tom Sawyer that Angel Clarence gives to George says: "Remember that no man is a failure who has friends." It's not true is what I thought as I sat there on my own.
I'm not a failure am I stigs?

I've heard the film is out in colour. I don't think I would like it in colour. I think it would take away the romance, take away the warmth, make it look dated as Rosie Scribble found it.

The message is very strong today. Look at what you've got. Don't look at your debt or your past or your future, just look at what you've got, starting with your breath, with any luck.

It's not an easy life I will warrant and I will say a prayer for those who have nobody on Christmas day and for all those who feel very alone, which will be many many people.

I'm not alone, am I stigs, even when my boy's not with me.

Achy achy heart though, come home soon son!

Batten Down The Hatches

2011-12-17T12:45:00.007Z

Batten down the hatches: Idiom

to prepare yourself for a difficult period by protecting yourself in every possible way
Usage notes: When there is a storm, ships batten down the hatches (= close the doors to the outside) as protection against bad weather.
(http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/batten+down+the+hatches)

How do you do it? How do you batten down them hatches?

I use Al Cohol.

I used to do it with Nico Teen but these days it seems...

Tuesday, c'mon, I'd just sent off a somewhat tongue in cheek but also tragic article about my own personal circumstances and a picture of me to fully illustrate the point I was making.

Thirsty work that. Still don't know what response I might get. It was brave, what I did and I always toast my bravery (always? hic!)

Thursday the piece came out. Oh stiggers, what a big nose you have!
All the better to sniff out injustice my dear!

I was on a high. I had a Parent Council training session to go to followed by a Christmas party and I was just really happy, I guess.

Not even the Polish mother could burst my balloon though she very nearly did. A Daily Mail dream that one but I'm not going to write about her (again). It bothers me, that's all I'll say when people have got what they want and still find room to complain when their own country don't offer half what ours does (although the coalition is seeing to that) Not all Polish mothers are the same, Mistress Ha Ha's one but hopefully I don't need to tell you that. She's got more points than me again though..oh don't get me started...

Later that day, the school Christmas disco!! I'm looking after Juggling Mum's boy as her daughter's got a show elsewhere and supping beer with other parents as the boys..where are the boys..oh the boys are alright!

I drop off Juggling Mum's boy and she invites us in for some pasta. Oh wow: "I was going to take him to the Golden Arches," I accept, beaming and oh yes, I'd love a glass of wine!

On the way home, I buy another bottle. Cheap stuff from the corner shop.

When the Foca left me and I cried down a bottle and ended up puking, with my one year old oblivious in his cot, I swore I wouldn't drink alone. And I didn't. For years.

Nico Teen's gone now though.

On Thursday night I knew I had to send my article to the housing minister, shadow housing minister and deputy prime minister (glug glug) and I did that.

The next day, the next morning, I did that. I sent my article to the housing minister, the shadow housing minister and the deputy prime minister altogether under the caption "who cares?"

Oh hells bells, it's Christmas.,, I'll detox in January....

...hic!

Published in both local papers

2011-12-17T09:39:00.006Z

This week I wrote an article in the Ham & High, well a long letter really but I'm getting paid for it!!! So an article, a viewpoint, not a letter!

You read it here first. I can't send you the link but can tell you it was about the Great British Affordable Housing Lottery. It could be you!

Are you homeless? Squeezed middle. I think I included all 'groups'. All the empty properties "Does one belong to you?" Plenty of filthy rich folk in these parts, politicians with a second home allowance? So yes, a very inclusive piece. A nice one I thought, even tempered.

The Ed emailed and said did I want to put a picture with it. Instantaneously I felt sick.

On Tuesday night, after I'd sent it, I was so excited and so frightened that I drank a big bottle of Budvar, then dragged my son out to buy two more.

Then around midnight, deadlines far far over, pissed and on my soap box, I rattled off an email to the Camden New Journal in response to an article they wrote last week about the council selling off hostels cos there's no money.

I can write the original of that one for you. The Ham & High didn't edit my piece (much?), they didn't need to, I sent something polished but the CNJ had to do a proper clean up job; fix spelling mistakes, grammatical flaws, reduce caps, that kind of thing....

Let me get this straight. The council wants to sell some of its hostels in order to reburbish some properties in order to reduce the mighty waiting list of people desperate for a decent affordable home? (Council admits: 'We have no money ' and tries to sell two hostels for £12m' 8 Dec p6)
The council wishes to sell these homes to private developers who wish to build luxury homes out of them which will price out all the 18,000 names on the waiting list desperate for a decent affordable home and will instead simply accerbate the homeless crisis?
Tell me I've got it wrong. I love getting things wrong, especially at Christmas and New Year when you hope people will WAKE UP to the catastrophe before us.
I'm glad the Free School didn't get them. I know schools are needed but what? The children get an education but there's nowhere for them to sleep at night?

I didn't dream they'd publish it and thank both papers. I hope what I've written in both can have a positive outcome for the borough.

That is my Christmas wish!

Camden's 2.700 empty properties. Happy Christmas?

2011-12-08T13:38:00.008Z

Front page of the Ham & High today: "2,700 homes empty as waiting lists hit 18,000".

Very topical as Channel 4 carries on its series on the country's 350,000 empty properties around the country.

Why am I saying Happy Christmas?

It's two years ago I got a possession letter telling me and my son to vacate my premises four days before Christmas Day."It's not your home, it's somewhere you rent," said the Libdem Lady

It's seven years ago that the Church wanted me and my toddler out the week before Christmas (I know!) until a local Labour councillor intervened so the wait for the court order got extended.

Oh blimey, back then, empty properties on my street. Oh how I longed for one of them. I discovered they belonged to a housing association. I called them up. "You need a job," they said. "I have a job, I'm a mother!" "Not that kind of job," they replied.

This Christmas I am safe. Well, as safe as you can be in temporary accommodation. Other people aren't. Crikey, it's never been just me.

These empty properties though. Apparently there are 752 out of that lot that are council owned.

There's a rumour that if you find one of them, you can have it. So last year (did I blog it? Must have..) I was told of an empty property in the estate across the road from Papier Mache Towers. So long abandoned letters couldn't fit through the letter box anymore.

I called the council, they investigated and the flat was actually leaseheld. Bought under the Right to Buy scheme and abandoned. Or bought under the Right to Buy scheme, sold, bought by another and abandoned.

That's the thing...over 2000 properties are privately owned and privately abandoned.

I don't know the numbers of families in temporary accommodation in Camden but I know I'm one of them. I don't know the number of families under the "Private Rental Scheme", I don't know the numbers of overcrowded families, living in council properties or otherwise desperate to move. I don't know the numbers of street homeless, sofa surfers, adults living with mum and dad because they're outpriced for a squalid bedsit. I don't know a damn thing.

I know what I want though. I want those homes to be returned to the council and managed by the council.

How it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, a positive thing without end

Amen

Happy Christmas.

The Great British Property Scandal - It could be YOU!!

2011-12-07T15:23:00.006Z

Last night I watched Channel 4's Great British Property Scandal about the vast number of empty properties we have in Britain while the waiting list for affordable, secure housing swells and the number of homeless rises.

My friend texted me to tell me it was on but I didn't want to watch it. Firefox crashed my iplayer film though so I switched on my telly with bad reception.

Strangely I didn't find the programme depressing at all possibly because when it comes to housing, one can't get more down than a suicidal thought about it. Go George Clarke! Go Jon Snow!! Go Phil Whatsyername!! The issue is out, every day for a week!

At the end of last night's episode a very grateful family who had been moved from place to place and was currently residing in squalor got the keys to a renovated empty property. Three flats converted into a four bedroom home. Brilliant! A lottery win if ever there was one!

Tonight that fella off Location Location Location is going to try and put two street homeless people into two of the country's 350,000 empty properties (and counting)

It's luck isn't it. Pure luck. Over two million people (five million I thought) on the waiting lists and over two programmes, three people are helped. Three people 'win'!

Tomorrow, it could be you!

Tomorrow, it could be you...

The 'squeezed middle' I read are feeling unprecedented pressure on their mortgages due to high energy, food and fuel bills and are terrified of losing their homes.

Do you think they watched this programme? I mean, it's their taxes going on the likes of me, unnecessarily if they sorted the problem out.

People only care about other people when it's happening to them don't they
or am I wrong?
I am wrong aren't I
None of my blog followers are in my situation and yet they follow and some comment (strong stomachs! Thank you!)

Thank you Channel 4 for this series. George, I think I fancy you. Good luck with those Tory 'couldn't give a toss unless you show me the money' ministers

and that's my one issue with the programme.

You want small loans to go to individuals so that they may refurbish and rent the place out, thus taking pressure off councils and housing associations

BUY TO LET is a major component of why this scandal is so scandalous. You know, both programmes so far have covered the awful state of the private rental market.

Bring power back to the councils I say. Local Authority housing has been the safest bet for those with no or low money for decades and now it's being totally destroyed.

Channel 4 should keep running this series until the problem goes away.

I mean, thinking about my blog..seven years I've been statutorily homeless..three years I've been writing unpalatable copy about myself...I started with one follower and now I have more!

There's a market for this scandal, that's what I'm saying.
After all....

It Could Be You!!

Click here to join the campaign

Housing benefit has NOT been suspended

2011-12-07T14:54:00.005Z

It helped writing yesterday. It helped showing myself my son's Red Card. Screaming out. It meant that this morning I could force myself to fill in the housing benefit forms to have it reinstated.

I was thinking the system I am trapped in demands so much transparency from me, from you but the higher up the chain you go...well, do you really think the expenses scandal is over? Do they have to show their bank balances each time they make a claim? No. Would they find that invasive? Yes, of course. Dave bought a drive way the other month for £140,000. A drive way! For cash? Wot no mortgage? What benefits do you think he claims for these days? Be nice if he declared all his assets wouldn't it? Well, we're asked to.

Anyway I send it off hoping I don't add detriment to my situation. (No, I don't have £140,000 squirrelled away incase you're asking. I'd have spent it by now, on a deposit, since you might be asking)

This afternoon a white and green envelope arrives from the council, with a letter inside, saying

No Change In Benefit
I have worked out your housing and council benefit again...
Private Claims Team (what a job...)

Damn. Why did I send the letter? Me who's usually so disorganised?

The man on the phone said they follow whatever instruction comes from the jobcentre (makes you really excited about going back to work...) and they saw that I was still on benefits so no change.
Good though, a relief. No comebacks please...

Small mercies.
Small ones
Only for the time being though
Best not think about it

My son shows the Red Card

2011-12-06T15:27:00.008Z

On my friend Annie's boyfriend's advice, my son drew a STOP sign on red paper which he was told to show the boys at school who were picking on him.

Good ey. Your child gets picked on or teased at school, doesn't need to say anything, just shows the Red Card (and eyeballs kid before walking away).

Wow, you could do it, take it to work. Boss being an arse? Show him or her your Red Card.

I need my son's card to day.

It's all the dark stuff... benefits...insecure expensive housing...no heating because the bills are already too high without it...guilt my son is cold at night..
voices...all voices...my voice...my voice...government policy...council policy...cause and effect...

STOP

Let Me Bring You Down Today - Song

2011-12-06T11:06:00.008Z

Don't look at me

Every day is not wonderful
Suddenly so hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed

I’m not beautiful no matter what you say
Words can bring me down
I’m not beautiful in any single way
Yes, words can bring me down, oh yes
So let me bring you down today

To all my friends I’m not delirious
Not consumed in all my doom
Tryin' hard to blog the emptiness, the peace is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?

'Cause you’re not beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down, oh yeah
You aren’t beautiful in any single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah

Let me bring you down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of trashing mistakes)

(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will never shine)
The sun will never, never shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)

'Cause we are beautiful no matter what I say
Yes, words will bring us down, oh yeah
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
So let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today

(Christina Aguilera featuring Stigmum. This song's been on the radio alot recently so I'd just like to say, if you are a self hater, please befriend yourself, you need to know one person on your side oh and listen to the original)

Suspending housing benefit when you get sick

2011-12-06T10:39:00.006Z

I didn't actually want to be writing about housing right now. I wanted to write about 'spiritual emergencies' or 'mental breakdown' (in medical parlance) because it's well, more trippy but fuck. More shit comes through the post and stiggers is like "WRITE IT DOWN'
NO
YES
NO

A couple of weeks ago I signed over to Employment Support Allowance (there are retrospective posts about this in my Black Notebook.. like I said, it would have all come later this life on benefits stuff)

Yesterday, having just received a letter telling me I am £2000 in arrears from the housing association, I get a letter from the local council telling me my housing and council benefit has been suspended.

Dear Ms de Nim,
Notification of Suspension of Benefit
Suspension of Housing and Council Benefit

"The law allows me to suspend houisng benefit and council tax payments in certain circumstances (LIKE WHEN YOU'RE SICK). I am writing to tell you that I have suspended your rent payments from 21/11/2011 and your council tax payments from 28/11/2011 because your JSA (IB) has stopped."

Fuckers. Honestly. Fucking fuckers. Then they wonder why people top themselves or run riot and set places on fire.

I tell a stigmum mate who's actively seeking work this morning (and has a council flat) that I'm on ESA and housing benefit's been stopped and she says "What are you doing for money?"
and I'm like "Money's fucked..."
"Get a job!" she says. "Go back on jobseekers!"

Oh fucking fucking hell.

People don't understand.

People don't understand people with mental health problems because it can be so invisible (unless it's really fecking visible like the man on the bus the other day talking to himself)

People certainly don't understand me. Clear complexion, bright eyes, smile smile smile (or am I gurning?)

On closer inspection actally I don't have a clear complexion, or bright eyes. I just look flipping tired. The job application can wait..yes, yes, I have one in my bag...fat fucking chance I'll get a job I love though....

Anyway, this post is just so you know that if you sign off signing on because you're unwell, they'll suspend your benefits. Woo hoo!

The exclamation mark's a joke