I'm not happy telling you this. There are things you want to forget, it all happened long ago but with all things I write, if I think there might be value in it for someone, then sod it, I spill. It's long though, and a bit boring, so you can stop reading now, I won't be offended.
My Best Friend actually betrayed me the first week at Shit School. Some spanish girls were giving me dirty looks so I asked them why and they told me, in their not brilliant english that I'd been bitching about them. Who told you? I asked. They wouldn't say, and then when they did, I didn't want to believe it,despite Best Friend being half spanish herself
Then my roommate, a Chinese girl, who'd I'd been having a real laugh with, started blanking me, turning her back on me when I walked in the room, that kind of stuff. Turns out my Best Friend had told her I'd been bitching about her as well. In my first week!
I challenged my Best Friend and she denied it.
What you've got to understand maybe, what I've got to understand, is there were slim pickings for friends at that school. There were what, a dozen girls in my year. Me and My Best Friend made each other laugh. Things were never the same, as lighthearted and fun with the Chinese girl anymore. She probably thought it was true, and that I had been bitching and that I had lied to her.
Fast forward a year and My Best Friend is bitching about two girls in our class, A and B. I didn't really like A and B, I thought they were up themselves and vain (B would brush her hair gazing infront of her mirror, every break time, before every meal time)So I joined in the bitching. "What's he doing with her?" would say My Best Friend. "I know, he could do so much better..."
(I've cringed about all this before, there's no value for me in writing this)
Anyway, one night, when I'm in my bedroom in the stairwell with the bricks missing from the wall, B comes in, furious, saying: "I heard you've been bitching about me."
I say: "Um, yeah." "Why? What have I ever done to you?" she says. "Well (I struggle for something) I guess you're a bit vain.." She shouts at me, goodness knows what she says, and storms out the toom.
Then A comes in the room:
"I heard you've been bitching about me," she shouts.
"Um, yeah," I answer unable to deny it.
"What have I done to you? What have any of us done to you?"
"Oh for fucks sake, I'm tired of this. Don't either of you wonder who I've been bitching about you with???"
"Who? Who have you been bitching about us with??"
"Well if you can't work it out I'm not going to tell you."
I was furious and hurt, really hurt but no time to think about it, exams looming and all. I don't even think I had it out with her, My Best Friend. I think I just profoundly thought: FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.
A day or so later a 'friend' called C tells me My Best Friend, A & B want to see me in the school field at 1 O'Clock. I tell her to tell them they can fuck off. Then I think no, no, stupid fucking bitches and I go down to the main hall, where some boys have gotten wind of it and tell me they'll come with me. "You don't have to do that," I tell them. But they do. The Black Hand Gang I'd call them; five of them and a Greek fella. Have you ever felt rescued? I remember feeling rescued.
I reach the girls who have not expected the boys, and have become all girly, flicking their hear, "hi!" they say.
I don't remember beyond that. Alot of shit was going on then; detentions, priests telling me I was Satan, general abject misery, oh yeah and A levels...Maybe it'll come out over the next few days, in my sodding sleep. Maybe it never will, because it's not important. It is past.
Here's this though. The value, particulary for someone who has been bullied.
My Best Friend followed me to college a year after I got there. She wanted to come see it before accepting a place and to see if she'd changed, I told her I fancied my flatmate. I told my flatmates my little plan and My Best Friend did indeed try to snog by flatmate.
When I returned from a year in France she had a group of friends and I'd see her in the SU Bar but never talk to her. Then one day, she was gone.
She'd tried her, what, game? with her friends. She betrayed her new Best Friend, Em, telling others in the group she'd been bitching about them. She didn't count on Em being close to the others in the group and the lot of them figuring out what My Best Friend had done.
My Best Friend got hissed out of college. The whole art department turned against her.
Karmic Justice! Thank you Universe! Sure I was sad that another person got hurt, and Em and I since became friends but the relief, the relief I wasn't the only one. Maybe that's the important point. You are never the 'only one'.
I. Let. It. Go. Didn't I?
My Best Friend invited me to be her friend on facebook earlier this year. I ignored it. So why now, suddenly all this fear bollocks.
She may be at the reunion. A photo popped up, see, on the Home page, of a guy who I can't remember so why did I accept a friend request from him..anyway, a photo popped up and it turns out she's going out with him. "My beautiful boyfriend!" she writes. And other girls (A but not B) from the year commenting and liking.
My Best Friend would never go to a reunion on her own but with this one she won't have to. She's very much part of the school network that exists and which I don't want to be a part of. I care for so few of them and don't remember so many.
She is not My Best Friend. She has not been My Best Friend since we were teenagers. I'm likely to see her precisely because I don't want to...in that place with all those people who remember us as being joined at the hip..are you fecking kidding?
What will I say?
What would you do?
All I do know, is that I allowed that whole experience to affect the whole of my adult life. I do not fight for my friends, geez, I don't even fight for my son.
Here's what God says and I can't tell you that it makes me feel any better about any of this:
Betrayal
of yourself
in order not to betray
another
is
Betrayal
nonetheless
It is the
Highest Betrayal
Your Shakespeare put this another way:
To thine own Self be true
and it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man
Skeletons in closets ey, who knew they could make so much noise...
Monday, 7 November 2011
Sunday, 6 November 2011
I sometimes go to Church on Sundays
I didn't go today. Not to my local church nor the church which has a beautiful latin service and choir (of angels heh heh)
Woke up in time, looked at my clock, rolled over again.
Is that alright do you think?
Alright that I go to Church sometimes? When I fancy it, when I want to?
I don't think my local priest would think so. He's always telling us to come every week and be on time (I'm always late, bit disrespectful I know but...)
If I'm a now and then attender does that mean I shouldn't attend at all?
If you are a church goer, do you go because you want to or because you feel you have to?
God doesn't want you there
No, memory bank, no. Some priests, some believers of the Faith, don't want me there.
Does that mean I shouldn't go?
There is no peace between me and religion.
Should I force that?
Should you?
Should we?
Let it be
Woke up in time, looked at my clock, rolled over again.
Is that alright do you think?
Alright that I go to Church sometimes? When I fancy it, when I want to?
I don't think my local priest would think so. He's always telling us to come every week and be on time (I'm always late, bit disrespectful I know but...)
If I'm a now and then attender does that mean I shouldn't attend at all?
If you are a church goer, do you go because you want to or because you feel you have to?
God doesn't want you there
No, memory bank, no. Some priests, some believers of the Faith, don't want me there.
Does that mean I shouldn't go?
There is no peace between me and religion.
Should I force that?
Should you?
Should we?
Let it be
Music is the food of Love
For anyone going through any type of spiritual 'crisis', 'emergency', or simple spiritual growth, I can't recommend music highly enough to see you through it.
I find myself listening to Classic Fm, Magic and Heart at the moment.
Whatever floats your boat, they say
Enjoy the ride, try not to be afraid
Depeche Toi..
I phoned Shit School on Friday afternoon, ostensibly to ask if when I come for the Feast Day, that they will allow me to go back up to the girls' living quarters. Ya know, remember the child I was and let her go.
I didn't get that far.
I asked to speak to the Head Teacher but spoke to his secretary instead, which was cool(very).
"You would have been sent a letter inviting you," the woman said on the phone.
"No, I'm not an alumni. When I left that place I really left. I found out about this on facebook."
"Oh, word of mouth then?"
"Kind of, some people are talking about a reunion on facebook. I don't really know too much about it."
The long and the short of it is I might not be able to go.
"The chapel is very small," she said
God doesn't want you there
"I know, I just think it would be very special."
"Yes, I'll find out for you and call you back. Are you on this number I see on my handset..1234567891011"
"Yes. Thanks."
She didn't call me back.
I will call her tomorrow.
Don't know if I'll join the lunch though, if there are tickets left. AAARGH.
I've been crying all morning for flips sake, tears chasing off the shadows I've allowed to lurk around my soul.
I've got Classic Fm playing in my bedroom.
Good job it's Sunday ey?
I may go and have a bath
Reach out and touch me
Friday, 4 November 2011
Spiritual Emergencies
I discovered the phrase Spiritual Emergency or Spiritual Crisis in a natural remedy health book belonging to my mum, last weekend.
There was only one page on Spiritual Crisis but it told me enough that modern doctors don't understand it and will be quick to diagnose you with depression and put you on medication, which is what happened with me.
Medication didn't work for me, I almost committed suicide for fecks sake, and I've been through I don't know how many shrinks and psychologists.
I can't tell you too much, because I don't really know. I know that my last breakdown, I called it a breakthrough, because that's who it felt. It felt like both. The breakdown part of it though, was terrifying.
Religion is at the root of it for me.
Right, it's no biggie, though I have allowed it to be a biggie in my life, but at Shit School a priest told me that I'd been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work.
That's it. That's all. No priest ever touched me physically. Just wounded me at a time when I was experiencing major teenage turbulence of the emotional kind.
Good. I've admitted it now. To the world.
God says (in Conversations with God bk 21 p 80):
Religion asks you to learn from the experience of others. Spirituality urges you to seek your own.
Religion cannot stand spirituality. It cannot abide it.
On page 247 God says: Return to Sprituality. Forget about religion.
This is good for me even if priests don't like it. I cried in my bathroom this morning when it crossed my mind that when I email the school to say I'm coming, because I'm going to do that, the teacher that remains that I saw on the website may recall me and say that I am barred from the chapel and am not allowed to enter. You know, because "God doesn't want you there...."
Stupid I know but I didn't know this morning and different fears are rising all the time.
I have to lighten up or I'm going to have another breakdown for fucks sake.
Hey stiggers..Are you Satan and me the Devil or am I the Devil and you Satan? It's always really confused me....ha ha ha!
http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/ Brilliant, found it this morning.
Reboot is the label I used after my breakdown though at the time so much was flying through my mind and I was too scared to write because I was afraid I was going mad. Teaching is a label I used to explore spiritual stuff but when I started the blog did not want to admit I was a spiritual person. If I had, the label would read 'spiritual stuff'.
God, you really do learn as you go along...
What you resist persists so accept
What? That I've been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work or that I'm doing just fine with my kind of spirituality?
You know the answer
There was only one page on Spiritual Crisis but it told me enough that modern doctors don't understand it and will be quick to diagnose you with depression and put you on medication, which is what happened with me.
Medication didn't work for me, I almost committed suicide for fecks sake, and I've been through I don't know how many shrinks and psychologists.
I can't tell you too much, because I don't really know. I know that my last breakdown, I called it a breakthrough, because that's who it felt. It felt like both. The breakdown part of it though, was terrifying.
Religion is at the root of it for me.
Right, it's no biggie, though I have allowed it to be a biggie in my life, but at Shit School a priest told me that I'd been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work.
That's it. That's all. No priest ever touched me physically. Just wounded me at a time when I was experiencing major teenage turbulence of the emotional kind.
Good. I've admitted it now. To the world.
God says (in Conversations with God bk 21 p 80):
Religion asks you to learn from the experience of others. Spirituality urges you to seek your own.
Religion cannot stand spirituality. It cannot abide it.
On page 247 God says: Return to Sprituality. Forget about religion.
This is good for me even if priests don't like it. I cried in my bathroom this morning when it crossed my mind that when I email the school to say I'm coming, because I'm going to do that, the teacher that remains that I saw on the website may recall me and say that I am barred from the chapel and am not allowed to enter. You know, because "God doesn't want you there...."
Stupid I know but I didn't know this morning and different fears are rising all the time.
I have to lighten up or I'm going to have another breakdown for fucks sake.
Hey stiggers..Are you Satan and me the Devil or am I the Devil and you Satan? It's always really confused me....ha ha ha!
http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/ Brilliant, found it this morning.
Reboot is the label I used after my breakdown though at the time so much was flying through my mind and I was too scared to write because I was afraid I was going mad. Teaching is a label I used to explore spiritual stuff but when I started the blog did not want to admit I was a spiritual person. If I had, the label would read 'spiritual stuff'.
God, you really do learn as you go along...
What you resist persists so accept
What? That I've been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work or that I'm doing just fine with my kind of spirituality?
You know the answer
When you are forced to confront what you don't want to
"What you resist, persists."
I left my Conversations With God book 1 with my mother so can't give you page number or anything, just the recommendation it's a good book.
It's true though, what God says, in that book. What you resist persists.
Last night I saw on facebook that a guy in my old class at school had added me to the "Class of.." page.
Three years ago, when his friend had found me on facebook, I was invited to join and well, the tremors and shakes and loss of appetite and headaches, always, headaches, I didn't accept. Why would I? Why would I, even symbolically, align myself with a place that made me so unhappy? No!
My posting that I might go to this reunion may have something to do with my being added to the Group now. I don't know, I'm not asking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting it be.
All the memories are coming up again; the dententions, the bullying, the religion. I push it all down because to allow them to come, well, makes me cry if I'm lucky.
In my heart I know I should thank that guy for adding me to that Group. It is a kind thing to do and he means well by it.
I have to go back to that school, I have to face the possibility that there will be girls there I don't want to see, because I've got nothing to say to them. I could go back to that school when there is no chance there will be any old pupils there, like this Sunday but I just want to deal with it all and be done with it. Do that or else delete those I accepted as friends from my facebook page because otherwise what's the point of them being there?
The soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings. Follow your feelings. Honor your feelings.
Why does it take so much time to create the reality you choose? This is why: because you have not been living your truth.
Feelings are the language of the soul. And your soul is your truth
(Conversations with God book 2. Page 14/15)
What you resists persists
Confront it
and keep breathing
If I let the memories surface maybe good ones will come up too.
I need to be strong when I get there because to be honest with you, I'm terrified.
I don't want to have any kind of break down infront of anybody. I don't want to be all shy and awkward and stuttery in front of anybody, I don't want the act of putting on a brave face to to, I don't know...
I want to be myself, but not the self who is writing this right now.
I will of course, let you know how it goes - Really Good, Good, Shit, Really Shit
If it is Really Shit though, don't let that put you off attending your own if that's what you feel you have to do for whatever reason your subconcious wants you to decide.
I left my Conversations With God book 1 with my mother so can't give you page number or anything, just the recommendation it's a good book.
It's true though, what God says, in that book. What you resist persists.
Last night I saw on facebook that a guy in my old class at school had added me to the "Class of.." page.
Three years ago, when his friend had found me on facebook, I was invited to join and well, the tremors and shakes and loss of appetite and headaches, always, headaches, I didn't accept. Why would I? Why would I, even symbolically, align myself with a place that made me so unhappy? No!
My posting that I might go to this reunion may have something to do with my being added to the Group now. I don't know, I'm not asking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting it be.
All the memories are coming up again; the dententions, the bullying, the religion. I push it all down because to allow them to come, well, makes me cry if I'm lucky.
In my heart I know I should thank that guy for adding me to that Group. It is a kind thing to do and he means well by it.
I have to go back to that school, I have to face the possibility that there will be girls there I don't want to see, because I've got nothing to say to them. I could go back to that school when there is no chance there will be any old pupils there, like this Sunday but I just want to deal with it all and be done with it. Do that or else delete those I accepted as friends from my facebook page because otherwise what's the point of them being there?
The soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings. Follow your feelings. Honor your feelings.
Why does it take so much time to create the reality you choose? This is why: because you have not been living your truth.
Feelings are the language of the soul. And your soul is your truth
(Conversations with God book 2. Page 14/15)
What you resists persists
Confront it
and keep breathing
If I let the memories surface maybe good ones will come up too.
I need to be strong when I get there because to be honest with you, I'm terrified.
I don't want to have any kind of break down infront of anybody. I don't want to be all shy and awkward and stuttery in front of anybody, I don't want the act of putting on a brave face to to, I don't know...
I want to be myself, but not the self who is writing this right now.
I will of course, let you know how it goes - Really Good, Good, Shit, Really Shit
If it is Really Shit though, don't let that put you off attending your own if that's what you feel you have to do for whatever reason your subconcious wants you to decide.
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