There was one day when me and My Best Friend came down to PE earlier than everyone else. We waited with the teacher for a while, then she told us to run upstairs and get the other girls.
So we ran upstairs, told the girls PE was cancelled, wasn't that great?! And they were like, 'really?' and we were 'yeah! Swear to God'
Then went back downstairs and waited again. And waited. And waited and my son really does take after me because I started to giggle and couldn't stop.
The teacher went bananas at us, told us to wait for her in the changing rooms while she got the girls and I laughed so hard I peed my pants, right through the wooden slats of the bench and the look of horror on her face is what made me laugh last night.
OK, it's not the best memory. Maybe I should have left out the bit about peeing my pants. Was funny though.
http://stigmum.blogspot.com/2009/09/woman-in-tower.html - I'm wondering whether to re-label this under 'reunion' because I'll have been to two this year, this one by far the most frightening.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Reunions a chance to let go, right?
Some friends can't understand why, how, I've not let go of my school days. Well, the answer is, because it's been hard. I did let go of it in Japan (or so I thought), came home overland by foot and everything, contacted four friends then got pregnant by one of them.
Here goes, the top three events that have ensured that the memories of that school come back and back and back and have caused two mental breakdowns as consequence, maybe even three. Hopefully not four.
Having a baby with the Foca. Prime cutlet of first class gossip me. Then dumped. Then (effectively) evicted from his brothers house (oh why didn't I take it to court?). I'll tell them me and the Foca are bezzy mates if they ask.
It's all about being judged isn't it, always has been and here is my chance to stand in the face of all that judgement. I reckon that's what most people are afraid of, nervous of, what people find quite traumatic. Do you like being judged? Are you afraid of it? I wish I was going back as a film star, rock star! Human rights lawyer. Millionaire. Seriously feckin' rich. No. I'm going back as a single mother on benefits. I'm thinking how lucky I am that I was never Head Girl.
Being evicted by the church when my son was two years old. Throw yourself at the Bishop's mercy the good priest told me. "We have no duty to care for you."
You were sent by Satan to do the Devil's work . I file that under trauma
Facing eviction and threatened with hostels twice
The school link: Detention, sometimes indefinite detention. 'Housebound' they called it then. 'Early Nights' they call it now. Can file that under trauma too.
What is going to this reunion going to achieve? That if I end up in a hostel indefinitely I will survive?
It's not going to achieve anything, is it? I cried so hard the other night, so hard, as the thought of our next eviction loomed into my mind. Fighting for my son again, for his education, that whole threat of displacement, how living with me puts him at risk of so much change and insecurity that perhaps it would be better that he goes to live with his father. His father who can give him what I can't. I ground those tears, god they're so painful, then thought no. My child doesn't want to be separated from me and I will not sacrifice him, even if his life away from me is better.
Sorry to admit this to you, but there is so much pain in my life
Fuck, sorry.
The man was nice on the phone to me yesterday. I told him I was a bit scared, bad memories n all. He said last year a 64 year old man came back for the first time who'd hated the place. Another guy, a major in the army, came back and cried.
So many of us hated it back then, I said. Alot's changed. There's no saturday morning school anymore for starters.
The man said things like "we'll take care of you"
and I thought no and I cried no and I cried and cried some more and some more and I couldn't stop and I thought I'm not a victim
I'm not a creep
I'm not a loser
I'm not um, a wierdo
I do belong here
and Radiohead is a great name for a band and that is a great song.
Here goes, the top three events that have ensured that the memories of that school come back and back and back and have caused two mental breakdowns as consequence, maybe even three. Hopefully not four.
Having a baby with the Foca. Prime cutlet of first class gossip me. Then dumped. Then (effectively) evicted from his brothers house (oh why didn't I take it to court?). I'll tell them me and the Foca are bezzy mates if they ask.
It's all about being judged isn't it, always has been and here is my chance to stand in the face of all that judgement. I reckon that's what most people are afraid of, nervous of, what people find quite traumatic. Do you like being judged? Are you afraid of it? I wish I was going back as a film star, rock star! Human rights lawyer. Millionaire. Seriously feckin' rich. No. I'm going back as a single mother on benefits. I'm thinking how lucky I am that I was never Head Girl.
Being evicted by the church when my son was two years old. Throw yourself at the Bishop's mercy the good priest told me. "We have no duty to care for you."
You were sent by Satan to do the Devil's work . I file that under trauma
Facing eviction and threatened with hostels twice
The school link: Detention, sometimes indefinite detention. 'Housebound' they called it then. 'Early Nights' they call it now. Can file that under trauma too.
What is going to this reunion going to achieve? That if I end up in a hostel indefinitely I will survive?
It's not going to achieve anything, is it? I cried so hard the other night, so hard, as the thought of our next eviction loomed into my mind. Fighting for my son again, for his education, that whole threat of displacement, how living with me puts him at risk of so much change and insecurity that perhaps it would be better that he goes to live with his father. His father who can give him what I can't. I ground those tears, god they're so painful, then thought no. My child doesn't want to be separated from me and I will not sacrifice him, even if his life away from me is better.
Sorry to admit this to you, but there is so much pain in my life
Fuck, sorry.
The man was nice on the phone to me yesterday. I told him I was a bit scared, bad memories n all. He said last year a 64 year old man came back for the first time who'd hated the place. Another guy, a major in the army, came back and cried.
So many of us hated it back then, I said. Alot's changed. There's no saturday morning school anymore for starters.
The man said things like "we'll take care of you"
and I thought no and I cried no and I cried and cried some more and some more and I couldn't stop and I thought I'm not a victim
I'm not a creep
I'm not a loser
I'm not um, a wierdo
I do belong here
and Radiohead is a great name for a band and that is a great song.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
"We'd love to have you!" says Shit School
I'm shshshshshshshshaaaaaaking.
Watch my hhhhand tttttremmmble.
I phhonnned the ssschhhoool yyyyesssterrrday aaand itttt rrrung ouuttt.
My nnnumber's ccome upp, I tthought. Bbbllaack mmmark, nnnot wwwwelcccome.
Rrragh. Ddefffiant. I am going to that bbbbloody pppplace.
Called hhalf aan hhour aggo. Ssaid I'm cccoming onn tthhhe aaanswwer mmmacchiine aand ttthey cccalled mmme bback.
Bbbbreeeeaathhe. Brreeeeattthhe. Bbbreeeaathhe
I wwwwiill bbbloggg agggain tttooommmmorrowww
Watch my hhhhand tttttremmmble.
I phhonnned the ssschhhoool yyyyesssterrrday aaand itttt rrrung ouuttt.
My nnnumber's ccome upp, I tthought. Bbbllaack mmmark, nnnot wwwwelcccome.
Rrragh. Ddefffiant. I am going to that bbbbloody pppplace.
Called hhalf aan hhour aggo. Ssaid I'm cccoming onn tthhhe aaanswwer mmmacchiine aand ttthey cccalled mmme bback.
Bbbbreeeeaathhe. Brreeeeattthhe. Bbbreeeaathhe
I wwwwiill bbbloggg agggain tttooommmmorrowww
Message for A Single Mother's Journal - Why block me?
To A Single Mother's Journal,
I'm reaching you from my blog because a while ago I noticed that although you follow mine, you have denied me access to yours.
Then two days ago, I lost a follower. It's always a shame but you know, not everyone is going to like what you write. That's how I see it anyway.
It made me wonder though, if it was you! When I saw it wasn't, I clicked on your blog and I got this:
Blogger: permission denied
This blog is open to invited readers only
http://singlemothersjournal.blogspot.com/
It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.
Do you mind explaining? I know I used to comment on your blog. I comment on quite a few people's blogs. Did I offend you in any way? Why don't you just say, or delete my comment if you don't like it(like another blogger did who doesn't follow me, nor block me).
I wondered how to reach you because I was unable to contact you and figured writing to you through a post is the best way, seeing as you follow me.
Is there such thing as blogging etiquette? I thought there was, unspoken.
Maybe you could 'unfollow' me, Either 'unfollow' me or allow me access to your blog. You can't have it both ways.
Well you can actually. I figured I could block you back but there's no point. Mine is an open blog for anyone to enjoy or learn something from. You just have to google me and you're in. I leave it with you.
I have thought about posting something about you doing this on the mummybloggers site, see if this kind of thing is unusual and I might.
They might not respond to me, or comment on this. Years of blogging I've come to accept that. I'll do it next week though. Might put this post on twitter though (I do that with pretty much all my posts)
It's up to you but I hope you do the right thing. I also hope you're alright. You're a lot younger than me I think and it's very hard the life we lead bringing up our children on our own. I'm pleased my blog has helped you in some way because that has always been its intention.
Take care of yourself.
Sue de Nim
I'm reaching you from my blog because a while ago I noticed that although you follow mine, you have denied me access to yours.
Then two days ago, I lost a follower. It's always a shame but you know, not everyone is going to like what you write. That's how I see it anyway.
It made me wonder though, if it was you! When I saw it wasn't, I clicked on your blog and I got this:
Blogger: permission denied
This blog is open to invited readers only
http://singlemothersjournal.blogspot.com/
It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.
Do you mind explaining? I know I used to comment on your blog. I comment on quite a few people's blogs. Did I offend you in any way? Why don't you just say, or delete my comment if you don't like it(like another blogger did who doesn't follow me, nor block me).
I wondered how to reach you because I was unable to contact you and figured writing to you through a post is the best way, seeing as you follow me.
Is there such thing as blogging etiquette? I thought there was, unspoken.
Maybe you could 'unfollow' me, Either 'unfollow' me or allow me access to your blog. You can't have it both ways.
Well you can actually. I figured I could block you back but there's no point. Mine is an open blog for anyone to enjoy or learn something from. You just have to google me and you're in. I leave it with you.
I have thought about posting something about you doing this on the mummybloggers site, see if this kind of thing is unusual and I might.
They might not respond to me, or comment on this. Years of blogging I've come to accept that. I'll do it next week though. Might put this post on twitter though (I do that with pretty much all my posts)
It's up to you but I hope you do the right thing. I also hope you're alright. You're a lot younger than me I think and it's very hard the life we lead bringing up our children on our own. I'm pleased my blog has helped you in some way because that has always been its intention.
Take care of yourself.
Sue de Nim
Say, what shall I wear to the Shit School reunion?
Before going to sleep the night before last, I asked the Universe, the angels to give me some idea of what to wear to the Shit School reunion should I go. It's always a bit of a nightmare isn't it, deciding?
I floated in my dream wearing my grey wool dress from M&S last whenever and my dark blue chunky boots. Then I appeared floating in my dream wearing the grey wool dress, a pair of black buckled court shoes and a red coat I would buy at Primark because I am overdrawn and I may find a cheap one there.
Cool! I'll go to Primark!
Hang on, what if the red coat actually symbolises something...
Don't Look Now...that formidable psycho thriller with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland which haunted me for days afterwards. Am I that little girl in red?
The chest seizes...
Little Red Riding Hood! I am little Red Riding Hood entering the forest! I am not afraid of the wolf because I Run With The Wolves (Pinkola Estes)!!!!
Don't Look Now...
Ok, I'll get a maroon coat!
Maroooned...
Ok a black one!
Whose funeral?
AAAARGH..Why can't I wear jeans??????
Burgundy
Wine!
Go back to sleep
I floated in my dream wearing my grey wool dress from M&S last whenever and my dark blue chunky boots. Then I appeared floating in my dream wearing the grey wool dress, a pair of black buckled court shoes and a red coat I would buy at Primark because I am overdrawn and I may find a cheap one there.
Cool! I'll go to Primark!
Hang on, what if the red coat actually symbolises something...
Don't Look Now...that formidable psycho thriller with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland which haunted me for days afterwards. Am I that little girl in red?
The chest seizes...
Little Red Riding Hood! I am little Red Riding Hood entering the forest! I am not afraid of the wolf because I Run With The Wolves (Pinkola Estes)!!!!
Don't Look Now...
Ok, I'll get a maroon coat!
Maroooned...
Ok a black one!
Whose funeral?
AAAARGH..Why can't I wear jeans??????
Burgundy
Wine!
Go back to sleep
Monday, 7 November 2011
The past comes haunting - song
Half past three
And I'm watching my past show in my bed all alone
How the memories come crashing on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to feel the gloom
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaayers
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
All my friends
Found the end of the rainbow, with happiness to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of my view
I can’t open the window and gaze into the night
for there's darkness there to see, just ghouls in sight
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayers
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
(oh the beautiful instrumental)
(Abba featuring Stigmum)
The tune if you want to sing along...
And I'm watching my past show in my bed all alone
How the memories come crashing on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to feel the gloom
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaayers
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
All my friends
Found the end of the rainbow, with happiness to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of my view
I can’t open the window and gaze into the night
for there's darkness there to see, just ghouls in sight
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayers
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
(oh the beautiful instrumental)
(Abba featuring Stigmum)
The tune if you want to sing along...
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