My neighbours are Italian. One's a musician, one's a hairdresser.
The day before last when I took my son to the salon where he works, he told me that if I was free on Saturday, he'd blow dry my hair!
He knows I've been shitting my pants about the reunion because, well, I've told pretty much everyone I'm shitting my pants.
Anyway, how nice is that???!
"You will look niiiice," he says. "I make you look niiiiic."
They're beautiful my neighbours but telling them how long it's been since I went to Shit School, flip, I don't think they were born!
No matter, age does not matter, age does not wither, nor stale our infinite variety. Isn't that right Shakespeare?!
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours.. That's on Channel 5 these days isn't it?
Focus on the good
Focus on the beauty.
Single mum friend this morning told me I was more than just a single mother on benefits, and should not define myself that way.
"You are a freelance journalist. You may not have written for a while but that's what you are."
With a little understanding
That's when good neighbours become...
OK, Ok, you've got it...
Eeek!
Friday, 11 November 2011
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Fuck, who knew????????
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Alcohol and Spiritual emergencies
You don't need me to tell you they don't go well together.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
I hope I've stopped crying by Sunday
I can only copy and paste the response to an email I got from Shit School with four attachments. All who were new when I was, all who are and aren't in touch with the school and a list of the records they have on us. I was crying when I left the job centre this morning so it came at a good time to really drive out more tears.
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!
Hi [Staff member at Shit School],
Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.
I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.
The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!
People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.
There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.
I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.
Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.
I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.
However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)
I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.
I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!
Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!
I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,
Best wishes
Sue de Nim
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!
Hi [Staff member at Shit School],
Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.
I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.
The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!
People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.
There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.
I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.
Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.
I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.
However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)
I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.
I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!
Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!
I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,
Best wishes
Sue de Nim
Internal paralysis
Unable, unable, to do what the government requires of me.
The sheer hopelessness of bidding for a stable home
The sheer hopelessness of applying for jobs
I tell people not to give up
but I have
The man at the jobcentre said there aren't immediate sanctions if you don't fill in the notebook and you and I know, at the end of this road, even if you do fill in the form, if you don't find a job, there are only sanctions that await you.
Give up on your dreams
Give up
I don't know how to advise you if you feel like this.
You can sit down and listen to James or do what I've just done and make an appointment with your doctor.
Who knows if it'll help. You've given up haven't you. but with the little bit of hope that's in you, that little bit, that part of you which wants something better for itself, use it to make that call.
(Oh Stiggers, I used to be so funny)
The sheer hopelessness of bidding for a stable home
The sheer hopelessness of applying for jobs
I tell people not to give up
but I have
The man at the jobcentre said there aren't immediate sanctions if you don't fill in the notebook and you and I know, at the end of this road, even if you do fill in the form, if you don't find a job, there are only sanctions that await you.
Give up on your dreams
Give up
I don't know how to advise you if you feel like this.
You can sit down and listen to James or do what I've just done and make an appointment with your doctor.
Who knows if it'll help. You've given up haven't you. but with the little bit of hope that's in you, that little bit, that part of you which wants something better for itself, use it to make that call.
(Oh Stiggers, I used to be so funny)
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Sitting down with James
I've been listening to this track alot and find it very comforting. Because I do not want sympathy, nor do benefit claimants, nor do occupylondon protesters, just understanding, Stiggers replaces that with a cuppa tea. Bless me little stiggers, she knows I'm weary
Shit, I've not done my JSA homework
Shit.
Shit shit.
I have to prove I've been looking for work tomorrow or I won't get my benefits.
Shit.
They won't buy 'spiritual crisis' will they? They won't buy 'hurtling at speed towards a mental breakdown'. You've still got to be available for work and you've still got to be looking even though it's hopeless.
Shit.
Three jobs, all they asked for.
They'll give me so much shit if my notebook's blank. Rules n all.
Shit.
I'm going to have to lie.
Fuck.
I remember being like this when I was being evicted. I knew I had to pack but I couldn't stop blogging.
Now, I know I have to job hunt but I cannot stop blogging
and of course, blogging knackere me out because it's so emotional and mental so I end up not sleeping, or not sleeping because I'm stressed and use that stress to write because no-one is alone in this world, with their experiences but they feel it.
Blogging saves my sanity
When I'm being forced out of my home
When I'm being forced to look for work.
Shit. I'll stop now, but I'm so tired, so so tired, all I want to do is sit down. Not think. Just be.
Shit, I don't know where I've put my Notebook
Bollocks
Shit shit.
I have to prove I've been looking for work tomorrow or I won't get my benefits.
Shit.
They won't buy 'spiritual crisis' will they? They won't buy 'hurtling at speed towards a mental breakdown'. You've still got to be available for work and you've still got to be looking even though it's hopeless.
Shit.
Three jobs, all they asked for.
They'll give me so much shit if my notebook's blank. Rules n all.
Shit.
I'm going to have to lie.
Fuck.
I remember being like this when I was being evicted. I knew I had to pack but I couldn't stop blogging.
Now, I know I have to job hunt but I cannot stop blogging
and of course, blogging knackere me out because it's so emotional and mental so I end up not sleeping, or not sleeping because I'm stressed and use that stress to write because no-one is alone in this world, with their experiences but they feel it.
Blogging saves my sanity
When I'm being forced out of my home
When I'm being forced to look for work.
Shit. I'll stop now, but I'm so tired, so so tired, all I want to do is sit down. Not think. Just be.
Shit, I don't know where I've put my Notebook
Bollocks
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