I was pregnant in my dream last night. Quite heavily so, standing in a courtyard.
I could hear people being executed. I could hear gun shots.
Around the corner of a concrete building walked two people, two Asian people; a man and a woman in army green prisoners fatigues.
I wanted to look away, I didn't want to see them get shot but they simply stood there looking at me and as I recognised them I woke up.
I didn't/don't know what it means really though I when I was little my dream job was to go to places like Cambodia and inform people what was happening there. I would report injustice. I didn't do that though did I? I did a whole load of different jobs but not that one.
Google's just told me my being pregnant is a good sign
Dreams about pregnancy often symbolize creativity, new ideas, projects or relationships. (http://www.luciddreaminghowto.org/dreams-of-being-pregnant.html)
I hope so I hope so I hope so
For all those caught in wars right now, globally, everywhere, my thoughts are with you.
Now, what am I going to do with my life?
Friday, 6 January 2012
I want to kill myself
The very fact that I am quite open about the desire to kill myself means that I will never do it.
I am open about it on this blog so you may understand the mindsets of people who aren't open about it, who never mention it, but of course, just one day do it.
I could have told the doctor this morning I wanted to kill myself but she would have ignored it as it's on record that I've said I want to but will never do it. (ha ha ha the sardonic chuckle)
The welfare system now, as it's been "reformed", does not manage people's problems as it did in the past, but just makes them worse.
(I've pinched that line from Public Enemies, the bbc drama about a probation officer and an ex offender who doesn't "comply" with his parole..says he was innocent of his crime..so put as 'high risk' and punished accordingly..ends tonight)
It makes me sad you know, the rise we will see in suicides. Crime is rising; muggings, burglaries, stabbings, that kind of thing.
A cheery thought though (for me admittedly). I read in this month's Soul and Spirit magazine an article by the Barefoot Doctor who said whether the world ends this year or not, we should live as though it is and make the most of it.
"So," he says. "if this really were your last year on Earth, what would you like to make happen that would truly fulfil you and make you feel as if you've had your money's worth this time around? Again, I'm not talking about external things, such as a car, house, relationship, baby, job, etc but, more importantly, the inner feelings that would make your entire system hum: a new resolve, discipline, enlightenment, self-confidence, creativity, passion, awareness and the enjoyment you wish to feel.......Remember, as the great writer Bernard Shaw once said, 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, so think about what you'd like more of, and go for it."
Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create...
I am open about it on this blog so you may understand the mindsets of people who aren't open about it, who never mention it, but of course, just one day do it.
I could have told the doctor this morning I wanted to kill myself but she would have ignored it as it's on record that I've said I want to but will never do it. (ha ha ha the sardonic chuckle)
The welfare system now, as it's been "reformed", does not manage people's problems as it did in the past, but just makes them worse.
(I've pinched that line from Public Enemies, the bbc drama about a probation officer and an ex offender who doesn't "comply" with his parole..says he was innocent of his crime..so put as 'high risk' and punished accordingly..ends tonight)
It makes me sad you know, the rise we will see in suicides. Crime is rising; muggings, burglaries, stabbings, that kind of thing.
A cheery thought though (for me admittedly). I read in this month's Soul and Spirit magazine an article by the Barefoot Doctor who said whether the world ends this year or not, we should live as though it is and make the most of it.
"So," he says. "if this really were your last year on Earth, what would you like to make happen that would truly fulfil you and make you feel as if you've had your money's worth this time around? Again, I'm not talking about external things, such as a car, house, relationship, baby, job, etc but, more importantly, the inner feelings that would make your entire system hum: a new resolve, discipline, enlightenment, self-confidence, creativity, passion, awareness and the enjoyment you wish to feel.......Remember, as the great writer Bernard Shaw once said, 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, so think about what you'd like more of, and go for it."
Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create...
"You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
There are many tentacles to this crushing, suffocating system I'm trapped in and call me weak but I often feel crushed and suffocated by it.
Take the letter I got yesterday saying I needed to send a new medical certificate by Monday or my payments would be stopped.
My doctor's appointment wasn't until Tuesday. I couldn't get an earlier one when I booked a month ago. So I had to make an emergency one and 'luckily' some other doctor had a cancellation this morning.
Doctors too, especially now since the government has clamped down on sickos, are a tentacle to this crushing, suffocating system.
This one had never met me, just read a few notes on the computer, clearly thought I "looked" fine and said: "You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
Oh I wanted to hit her. Not her..the System. RRRARGH. "I know," I said. "I've got a questionaire to fill in which I can't bring myself to do at the moment."
The questionnaire is twenty pages long...
No I don't have a community psychiatric nurse
No, I'm not waiting for chemotherapy
Yes I can move 50 metres before I have to stop
Yes, I can move 200 metres too...school run is further than that you know..
I can go up and down two steps
I can move from one seat to another without help
I can sit in one place for an hour without help (though who can stand, really, apart from the Queen's Guards?)
I can pick up a 2 pint carton of milk
And the number of times we've been evicted, yes, an empty cardboard box
(I must take a break here and mention that I am aware of how lucky I am, much luckier than someone who can go up two ateps but not five and much luckier than someone waiting for any kind of hospital appointment)
But hang on, I'm a mental case not a physical one
Can I start and finish daily tasks?
There are coping with change questions, going out questions, coping with social situation questions.
In the multiple choice of answers of whether I can do any of them there is "No" "Yes" and "It varies" then write an essay on why my behaviour upsets people and how often.
You know what?
How can a single mother say she is not "fit for work"
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be done for neglect and her child be taken into care.
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be sectioned under the mental health act and her child will be taken into care.
Of course I'm fucking fit for fucking work
I'm just not fit for the kind of fucking work you want me to do right now ok.
Just because you tell me I am fit doesn't mean I am. LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's a patronising crushing suffocating system and I wish the doctor had just kept her mouth shut and told me to focus on getting better instead.
She's given me two weeks
Better than a kick in the teeth I guess
If only there was a way of not thinking of any of this shit
That's what gets people down
down
DOWN
Don't think about it
Breathe
again
Breathe
Take the letter I got yesterday saying I needed to send a new medical certificate by Monday or my payments would be stopped.
My doctor's appointment wasn't until Tuesday. I couldn't get an earlier one when I booked a month ago. So I had to make an emergency one and 'luckily' some other doctor had a cancellation this morning.
Doctors too, especially now since the government has clamped down on sickos, are a tentacle to this crushing, suffocating system.
This one had never met me, just read a few notes on the computer, clearly thought I "looked" fine and said: "You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
Oh I wanted to hit her. Not her..the System. RRRARGH. "I know," I said. "I've got a questionaire to fill in which I can't bring myself to do at the moment."
The questionnaire is twenty pages long...
No I don't have a community psychiatric nurse
No, I'm not waiting for chemotherapy
Yes I can move 50 metres before I have to stop
Yes, I can move 200 metres too...school run is further than that you know..
I can go up and down two steps
I can move from one seat to another without help
I can sit in one place for an hour without help (though who can stand, really, apart from the Queen's Guards?)
I can pick up a 2 pint carton of milk
And the number of times we've been evicted, yes, an empty cardboard box
(I must take a break here and mention that I am aware of how lucky I am, much luckier than someone who can go up two ateps but not five and much luckier than someone waiting for any kind of hospital appointment)
But hang on, I'm a mental case not a physical one
Can I start and finish daily tasks?
There are coping with change questions, going out questions, coping with social situation questions.
In the multiple choice of answers of whether I can do any of them there is "No" "Yes" and "It varies" then write an essay on why my behaviour upsets people and how often.
You know what?
How can a single mother say she is not "fit for work"
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be done for neglect and her child be taken into care.
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be sectioned under the mental health act and her child will be taken into care.
Of course I'm fucking fit for fucking work
I'm just not fit for the kind of fucking work you want me to do right now ok.
Just because you tell me I am fit doesn't mean I am. LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's a patronising crushing suffocating system and I wish the doctor had just kept her mouth shut and told me to focus on getting better instead.
She's given me two weeks
Better than a kick in the teeth I guess
If only there was a way of not thinking of any of this shit
That's what gets people down
down
DOWN
Don't think about it
Breathe
again
Breathe
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Let faith be your shield
I unearthed this poem yesterday when having a big clearout, that my son's class performed a couple of years ago.
"It's not a poem mummy, it's a song," said my son.
Here it is, I don't know who wrote it, but I like it and so might you.
When a knight won his spurs, in the stories of old,
He was gentle and brave, he was gallant and bold,
With a shield on his arm and a lance in his hand
For God and for valour he rode through the land.
No charger have I, and no sword by my side,
Yet still to adventure and battle I ride,
Though back into storyland giants have fled,
And the knights are no more and the dragons are dead.
Let faith be my shield and let joy be my steed
'Gainst the dragons of anger, the ogres of greed;
And let me set free, with the sword of my youth,
From the castle of darkness the power of the truth.
"It's not a poem mummy, it's a song," said my son.
Here it is, I don't know who wrote it, but I like it and so might you.
When a knight won his spurs, in the stories of old,
He was gentle and brave, he was gallant and bold,
With a shield on his arm and a lance in his hand
For God and for valour he rode through the land.
No charger have I, and no sword by my side,
Yet still to adventure and battle I ride,
Though back into storyland giants have fled,
And the knights are no more and the dragons are dead.
Let faith be my shield and let joy be my steed
'Gainst the dragons of anger, the ogres of greed;
And let me set free, with the sword of my youth,
From the castle of darkness the power of the truth.
Back to Housing...2012
I have just written a lovely post about my son back at school. Lovely for me, not for you necessarily.
The Back to School label was going to harbour a post about my son, yes, but also, blogging. Back to blogging
Back to blogging...
Back to housing?
Well I don't know
I asked myself why I had a housing 2011 label last year. I should have given myself a break from it, not thought about That Which Makes Me Want To Kill Myself.
I know why I didn't though; the legislations were still untabled (untabled?) I could still try to stop them going through.
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Oh my God, what was I thinking?!!!
That even if I'd put more into it, possibly written more articles, or letters, or tweets to the housing minister no-one would be losing their homes this year, thousands instead would move into secure affordable ones???!
Oh my, I'm so funny!!!! Fantastically deluded!!!!
I do not know why I have set up a Housing 2012 label. I think I had a thought over the holidays that I would have to start thinking about bidding this year and the label MIGHT help me do that. But what more can I tell you about bidding that I already haven't? Jack shit, that's what.
Listen, I'm going to send my It Could Be You article to a couple more politicians. Need to follow those voracious dreams I had over Christmas even if it's pointless (talking of which my points should go up this year...ten years in the borough..ten years....a decade...oh my God, a decade lost, lost to...)
After that, well I Don't Know
See what comes ey
I'm told I'm protected from the housing benefit cuts but I'm not protected from arrears if I get a job (parenting is a job isn't it?), am I? Are you?
"Happy New Fear!" the Estimator said to me in the coffee shop this morning.
Years I've been afraid, years, you know, three of them are recorded.
For an Estimator to say Happy New Fear
well all I can say is
Welcome to my world all you middle classes
The Back to School label was going to harbour a post about my son, yes, but also, blogging. Back to blogging
Back to blogging...
Back to housing?
Well I don't know
I asked myself why I had a housing 2011 label last year. I should have given myself a break from it, not thought about That Which Makes Me Want To Kill Myself.
I know why I didn't though; the legislations were still untabled (untabled?) I could still try to stop them going through.
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Oh my God, what was I thinking?!!!
That even if I'd put more into it, possibly written more articles, or letters, or tweets to the housing minister no-one would be losing their homes this year, thousands instead would move into secure affordable ones???!
Oh my, I'm so funny!!!! Fantastically deluded!!!!
I do not know why I have set up a Housing 2012 label. I think I had a thought over the holidays that I would have to start thinking about bidding this year and the label MIGHT help me do that. But what more can I tell you about bidding that I already haven't? Jack shit, that's what.
Listen, I'm going to send my It Could Be You article to a couple more politicians. Need to follow those voracious dreams I had over Christmas even if it's pointless (talking of which my points should go up this year...ten years in the borough..ten years....a decade...oh my God, a decade lost, lost to...)
After that, well I Don't Know
See what comes ey
I'm told I'm protected from the housing benefit cuts but I'm not protected from arrears if I get a job (parenting is a job isn't it?), am I? Are you?
"Happy New Fear!" the Estimator said to me in the coffee shop this morning.
Years I've been afraid, years, you know, three of them are recorded.
For an Estimator to say Happy New Fear
well all I can say is
Welcome to my world all you middle classes
Back to School
The boy was excited!
HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, hallelujah, hallelujah, HALLE-E-LUJAH!!
First time ever, it seems!
"See my friends mummy!"
Oh he's never said that before; scared my little mite, of the taunting.
BUT but! I positioned myself with the Mothers Who Don't Like Me at the winter fair and so the kids could see
THEN, the Ham and High kindly offered a bridge, in the form of panto tickets to The Enormous Turnip where I invited all my son's closest friends and all the mothers, bar one - c'mon, I'm not that forgiving. "I have a ticket for your child," wrote I and of course he couldn't come but at least she let me know.
The Foca has traded weekends with me so our son can go to A's birthday (so lucky I got Christmas and New Year waking to my Sun..three weekends in a row....lucky!)
All his buddies are attending.
My son my sun, I wish you the best in 2012. I wish you renewed confidence within yourself, self belief and self worth, lots of laughs and humour, and yes, you are back to school, so the best of your more than capable abilities in all you endeavour.
I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you, now and forever
Amen
HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, hallelujah, hallelujah, HALLE-E-LUJAH!!
First time ever, it seems!
"See my friends mummy!"
Oh he's never said that before; scared my little mite, of the taunting.
BUT but! I positioned myself with the Mothers Who Don't Like Me at the winter fair and so the kids could see
THEN, the Ham and High kindly offered a bridge, in the form of panto tickets to The Enormous Turnip where I invited all my son's closest friends and all the mothers, bar one - c'mon, I'm not that forgiving. "I have a ticket for your child," wrote I and of course he couldn't come but at least she let me know.
The Foca has traded weekends with me so our son can go to A's birthday (so lucky I got Christmas and New Year waking to my Sun..three weekends in a row....lucky!)
All his buddies are attending.
My son my sun, I wish you the best in 2012. I wish you renewed confidence within yourself, self belief and self worth, lots of laughs and humour, and yes, you are back to school, so the best of your more than capable abilities in all you endeavour.
I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you, now and forever
Amen
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Happy New Year
Happy New Year everybody
Coalition cuts start biting today
So yes, really,
I do wish you a happy new year
Olympics!
Woo, heard they're throwing an extra £41m to the opening and closing ceremony!
Diamond Jubilee!
Tip the disabled out of their wheelchairs to pay for that!
Voracious dreams I've had, thanks to a head cold
Nose, throat, ears
Keep blogging said a voice
Accept the fight
Rrrarghh I coughed up the knives of phlegm
I don't know if I have it in me
to continue Stigmum
(I see you're adding a new label
that old battle not over by a long chalk
I know...)
but I really do wish
you
and you
and you
and yes you too
oh and me aswell, why not
the very best of 2012
Believe
Coalition cuts start biting today
So yes, really,
I do wish you a happy new year
Olympics!
Woo, heard they're throwing an extra £41m to the opening and closing ceremony!
Diamond Jubilee!
Tip the disabled out of their wheelchairs to pay for that!
Voracious dreams I've had, thanks to a head cold
Nose, throat, ears
Keep blogging said a voice
Accept the fight
Rrrarghh I coughed up the knives of phlegm
I don't know if I have it in me
to continue Stigmum
(I see you're adding a new label
that old battle not over by a long chalk
I know...)
but I really do wish
you
and you
and you
and yes you too
oh and me aswell, why not
the very best of 2012
Believe
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