"Don't try to be, just be"

So good to have the Master back.

No slacking off the run! No rest between the kicking exercises! I managed it all though, well done me!

Later we did this 'pushing' exercise. They were doing this the day of body quake so the Master re-explained the rules.

We sit back to back and try to push our partner off the mat without standing up.

"Oh I don't like this!" I said to the Master after the 4th Mistress I rotated to had effortlessly oofed me off the side. Fortunately the 5th and last Mistress is my height and weight and I succeeded in oofing her off the side. Master called time after that, which was very lucky for me who is constantly losing in my outside life. Can't lose in Boot Camp too!!

Next was the martial art rolly polly; a forward roll where your head doesn't touch the mat. The Master made it look so effortless rolling in a run of three, always landing on his knee ready for the next roll.

"Don't try to be, just be," he said to the few of us struggling, rolling this way, that way but not centrally. "Your body knows what to do, follow it."

I felt so dizzy I saw stars, at one point so sick I had to sit out and silently burp up the nausea.

It made me think of my life.

In my outside life, I "try to be". When I "try to be" I put a smile on my made up face and tell people life's fine. I can do it in short bursts of say half an hour, sometimes even more. Talk of housing and the whole facade collapses.

Here at home I am. People realise all is not well when they come here because I am drowning in my own literal mess, not knowing how to get out of it, feeling more and more overwhelmed and well, unhappy.

I don't invite people round here. I let them see who I "try to be", let them think that's who "I am".

One day I won't "try to be," I'll "just be" what I spend my time "trying to be".

Came home to an email from the council didn't I?

"We're not giving you a council flat, we're going to bounce you around," was the jist.

Going back to Boot Camp next week. Even if I feel I'm losing there, I'm not; my body and my mind is being given the strength that it needs to keep going.