Depressed people should leave things overnight...maybe...

Yesterday, after posting my posts, I fell into a jolly big black hole.

To extracate myself from this, I thought it would be a good idea to email the Tory.

I looked at my draft and thought "sleep on it and send it in the morning"

Send it now send it now send it now, said the voice inside my head.

No, in the morning.

I picked up my son from school.

I fed him, pasta with bolognaise sauce from the freezer.

He wanted to listen to Queen so we jumped around singing "We will we will ROCK YOU"

I ran his bath.

I quickly went into my inbox and edited the draft.

Send it now send it now send it now, said the voice inside my head.

No.

"Mummy," called my son from the bath tub. "Come here a minute!"

"Hang on sweetie."

Fuck it. Send.

Dear Tory,

Thanks again for calling the meeting at my flat today. I had hoped mine and my son's accommodation problems would end.

I know the Pathways system of housing people would benefit certain individuals or families and you all put in a good case for it benefitting mine.

I find myself envying you though. Envying what you are able to give your son. You can go out to work with no concerns for yours or his tenancy.

Through Pathways I can go out to work too but I cannot afford whatever tenancy I will be forced into accepting in order to accumulate more points to attain a secure one like yours.

I know that not everybody feels the way I do.

I send this email by way of apology that the meeting served only to depress me which wasn't your intention.

When I picked my son from school I asked him to answer a question. I told him to imagine the scenario so as not to get his hopes up. "What do you think of you and me moving to a place where you've got your own room and we have a garden," his eyes lit up, "but we can't stay there long, we'll have to move somewhere where we can stay, which probably won't have the garden?"

"No," he replied. I didn't even have to explain why we'd have to move.

As you know, I look at the bidding results and do not understand why my son and I are so far down the list compared to others.

I'd prefer to understand this than to keep bouncing my son around.

I really am grateful you said you'd advocate for us. Like I've said, you've gone way beyond anyone else. I just need you to understand where I am coming from. I am aware that none of this is easy for you.

Thanks again for your help.

Kind regards

Argh, the black hole has endless depth. I should have waited until morning. I should have taken out reference to his son, to him. But fuck it's true. It's how I feel.

My son went to bed and I sat on the sofa in silence.

In silence I sat on the sofa for hours.

I didn't want to go to bed, so I made a cup of tea, sat on the sofa and smoked a cigarette, then another and another, sitting in silence.

When I became aware of this I switched on the stereo. The Queen CD was still in it.

Track 14: Who Wants To Live Forever

I don't know. Me?

Track 5: I Want It All.

Me too.

Track 19: The Show Must Go On

Oh don't tell me that.

I went to bed. Prayed to my angels that my son remains safe and that I sleep.

I slept.

The Tory has replied this morning.

I genuinely believe that things will work out for you if you help me help you.

So, lets stick with what we have decided so far and we’ll stock take once the plan has been enacted sufficiently.

Super nice. I didn't expect that so I've replied. Stuff you already know finishing with I absolutely want to help you help me....I want to help you help me help my son... I want to stop worrying about our housing.

Things from yesterday's meeting will be posted over the next few days.

The after shock you know.

Impossible to put two and three quarters of an hour into one post. So much was said.

While I'm in this black hole, it is better to write than do nothing in silence.

Oh hang on, Simon and Garfunkel sang a song about the Sound of Silence.

Perhaps I should listen to that, in silence.

Snow is falling, it might be quite healing.

Then again, I've got a Lounge cd somewhere...