School reunions - Does one face the horror?

I am thinking of coming, if I can sort out travel/accommodation etc. Thing is, I don't really remember anyone, which is a bit embarrassing but also quite funny for at another school reunion, an old room mate didn't remember me, which I thought was very cool!

Very cool? Yes it was. She was embarrassed while I was relieved. Dodgy memories are part and parcel aren't they.

This reunion though, is in a different league to that one.

Thing is, I don't really remember anyone. I don't really remember anyone because I blocked them all out. Well done me.

I remember the school though. I remember the priest. I remember the deputy head. I remember the housemistresses. I remember feeling exactly what I'm feeling right now actually, impossible to articulate as tears stream down my face. I remember the girls coming into my room one by one saying 'I've heard you've been bitching about me.' and me saying nothing because it was true. Will they be there? Will I say something decades decades later? "Yes, your best friend started it." Better not to go, surely, regardless of whether my 'best friend' or any of those girls are there or not. Better not to go, surely, if I know I will walk into the chapel and cry.

It's been months I've been thinking about this. On and off. Off mostly because on seizes my chest as memories surface that I can't get rid of.

Astonishing how something can be so alive in you when you've tried so hard to kill it. Told yourself a thousand times you are over it. Tell yourself a thousand times you accept it and are moving on only to find yourself right back there in that moment which doesn't exist anymore

I don't know if I will go. For the first time today, I have written the message to people I don't remember which I've posted on the facebook page. To keep in touch with no-one, except the father of your child, that is something. I never joined the facebook group when I was invited last year. What does that tell you? Tell them? Should it bother me even?

My friend Em lives nearby and said we can stay even though she and her hubby will be out Friday and Saturday.

I can only go if she takes me. Drives me there, drops me off. A male friend of mine offered but I said no. Em has seen me cry before.

I think people are going with their partners

Fcuk

See, I can't even speak anymore.

I may get back to you about all this

For now I must let the feelings pass

Breeeeeeathe