Twenty minutes ago I went outside with Nico Teen because I wanted to. No other reason.
Half an hour ago I thought: "Shall I have a fag?"
Voice in head said: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"
I replied: "No."
Five minutes or so later I had the same conversation, and five minutes after that, then forgot about it, then finally thought fuck it, come on Nico Teen, let's go buddy.
Was it nice? Not particularly, I have a massive hangover on account of my brother coming round last night.
I got thinking about the triggers a few days ago at the widow's flat. She'd been given some stop smoking bumph from the NHS and at the back it tells you to list your triggers.
When I gave up smoking a few years ago I recall how I got hooked, or my reason for how I got hooked anyway. Those days after I got kicked out of school, Nico Teen could stop my crying.
This week when I started again, it's the first time I consciously thought 'I want to hurt myself'.
Smoking is a largely unconcious activity though. You feel the first hit and maybe the second, then you're off thinking about whatever or chatting to whoever and before you know it, you've smoked it right to the end and have to stub it out.
The trigger is desire. It's an addiction. Could be heroin, could be booze, could be junk food but mine is none of those.
Gosh, quite fancy another little hit from you Nico Teen after all that but let me quickly ride this wave as I think about Al Cohol.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Patches
Two women I know have given up smoking. The widow with three kids from Papier Mache Towers, and a teacher at my son's school.
Both are using patches.
The widow woke up on New Years day and realised she was spending up to £100 a week on her habit. She smoked everywhere in her flat, she told me, asked herself what she was doing to her children. She went to her doctor the next day.
The teacher said it's time to stop, she doesn't know why she does it anymore. The expense was a reason as well. The ready rolled sticks are mighty expensive. Over £6 for a pack of 20!
Both still had cravings. The psychological addiction is what's obscene.
I won't use patches. I want to shove the poison in my body, I don't want it intravenously dripping in, all day long (widow takes hers off at night, it gives her nightmares she said).
Four days and Nico Teen is out of your body. Yes, I was clear when I decided to start again.
I'm going to do it the Easyway!
It's not easy though is it? My friend Peggy discovered she had throat cancer last year and I saw her yesterday, in remission, fag in hand. When she told me she had the cancer she looked at me then at Nico Teen between her fingers, back at me again, a far away look in her eyes.
"Who am I to judge?" I'd said to her. Only the week before I'd sat next to a smoker outside Sainsbury's who told me she had cancer of the colon.
I was going to blog about it all back then but didn't know how.
People die of cancers who have never smoked. These women, my father, are still alive and thank God for that.
Me? Well I told myself I've smoked for two and a half decades. I'm going to try and stop for two and a half more. If I want to take it up again when I'm a pensioner, then I will, if I'm lucky enough to still be around by then, it's a choice I'll have.
That's the thing, you never know. The key is to live for today. Well, actually, if you read Erkhart Tolle, the key is to live for Now!
Good luck to all of you letting the ciggie go. Try not to think about it and drink lots of water!
Both are using patches.
The widow woke up on New Years day and realised she was spending up to £100 a week on her habit. She smoked everywhere in her flat, she told me, asked herself what she was doing to her children. She went to her doctor the next day.
The teacher said it's time to stop, she doesn't know why she does it anymore. The expense was a reason as well. The ready rolled sticks are mighty expensive. Over £6 for a pack of 20!
Both still had cravings. The psychological addiction is what's obscene.
I won't use patches. I want to shove the poison in my body, I don't want it intravenously dripping in, all day long (widow takes hers off at night, it gives her nightmares she said).
Four days and Nico Teen is out of your body. Yes, I was clear when I decided to start again.
I'm going to do it the Easyway!
It's not easy though is it? My friend Peggy discovered she had throat cancer last year and I saw her yesterday, in remission, fag in hand. When she told me she had the cancer she looked at me then at Nico Teen between her fingers, back at me again, a far away look in her eyes.
"Who am I to judge?" I'd said to her. Only the week before I'd sat next to a smoker outside Sainsbury's who told me she had cancer of the colon.
I was going to blog about it all back then but didn't know how.
People die of cancers who have never smoked. These women, my father, are still alive and thank God for that.
Me? Well I told myself I've smoked for two and a half decades. I'm going to try and stop for two and a half more. If I want to take it up again when I'm a pensioner, then I will, if I'm lucky enough to still be around by then, it's a choice I'll have.
That's the thing, you never know. The key is to live for today. Well, actually, if you read Erkhart Tolle, the key is to live for Now!
Good luck to all of you letting the ciggie go. Try not to think about it and drink lots of water!
Stigmum is the smoker!
Tis true.
Having spent a week as a non smoker, not all of it pleasurable I have to agree, but most of it pleasant, I fell back into the clutches of my old friend yesterday as I thought of blogging again.
Finished blogging, finished smoking.
Yesterday afternoon, a monumental headache, and a gruff, snappy attitude with my son because of that.
Nico Teen like a toddler who doesn't know they've missed you until they see you again and all hell breaks loose as they wonder where the hell you've been.
This morning, again, walking back from the school run thinking how I'd write, I got home and dragged down three of those little sticks before even switching on the computer.
Stigmum, what is it about you????
Me, I know I want to hurt myself but you?
We can't give up without one another.
Alan Carr says we smoke out of fear. He may be right.
Fear of stopping.
What is there to be afraid of?
Having spent a week as a non smoker, not all of it pleasurable I have to agree, but most of it pleasant, I fell back into the clutches of my old friend yesterday as I thought of blogging again.
Finished blogging, finished smoking.
Yesterday afternoon, a monumental headache, and a gruff, snappy attitude with my son because of that.
Nico Teen like a toddler who doesn't know they've missed you until they see you again and all hell breaks loose as they wonder where the hell you've been.
This morning, again, walking back from the school run thinking how I'd write, I got home and dragged down three of those little sticks before even switching on the computer.
Stigmum, what is it about you????
Me, I know I want to hurt myself but you?
We can't give up without one another.
Alan Carr says we smoke out of fear. He may be right.
Fear of stopping.
What is there to be afraid of?
Visit to the doctor No 9?
What a turn of events! Yesterday afternoon the doctor's surgery called me to say the appointment for today has been cancelled! I should call to make another in the morning with a new doctor!
"Social workers arranged it, not me. Should I get them to re-arrange it?"
It's fortuitous, it really is. I was dreading facing my doctor again. She might be a nice person but how do you go back after that last meeting? This change is an opportunity to get a new doctor, which I planned on doing at some point.
I called the surgery this morning. The appointment's at 4 o'clock. Not ideal given it's outside school hours, but as I said to the receptionist, if two social workers were planning on coming, then one of them can look after the lad!
All's well that ends well I hope. I'm going to ask to be signed off work. Well, not work exactly, I want a job, I want to ask to be signed off jobseeker's allowance.
Apparantly you can't do courses on jobseekers, if it is outside their remit (ie another Masters, which I didn't plan on doing anyway, anything at CityLit.. you have to do training they have on their books, computer courses and the like)
Two ideas I have: A course on teaching adults or else seeing if I can get an internship at a social research organisation. Sadly these people are unlikely to give me a job, I've been too long out of it.
I'll also tell them I'm going to go to Women and Health, and chase my own therapy. I need to do this for myself. Once and for all, I need to nail my demons and start to value who I am.
Try it if you need to. However big, however small, if you have a dark stone within you, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it. If someone can help you do that, all the better.
I personally have to do it quickly. The desire to move on is overwhelming.
"Social workers arranged it, not me. Should I get them to re-arrange it?"
It's fortuitous, it really is. I was dreading facing my doctor again. She might be a nice person but how do you go back after that last meeting? This change is an opportunity to get a new doctor, which I planned on doing at some point.
I called the surgery this morning. The appointment's at 4 o'clock. Not ideal given it's outside school hours, but as I said to the receptionist, if two social workers were planning on coming, then one of them can look after the lad!
All's well that ends well I hope. I'm going to ask to be signed off work. Well, not work exactly, I want a job, I want to ask to be signed off jobseeker's allowance.
Apparantly you can't do courses on jobseekers, if it is outside their remit (ie another Masters, which I didn't plan on doing anyway, anything at CityLit.. you have to do training they have on their books, computer courses and the like)
Two ideas I have: A course on teaching adults or else seeing if I can get an internship at a social research organisation. Sadly these people are unlikely to give me a job, I've been too long out of it.
I'll also tell them I'm going to go to Women and Health, and chase my own therapy. I need to do this for myself. Once and for all, I need to nail my demons and start to value who I am.
Try it if you need to. However big, however small, if you have a dark stone within you, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it. If someone can help you do that, all the better.
I personally have to do it quickly. The desire to move on is overwhelming.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Stumbling blocks
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, arranged by the social services who will sit in on this meeting I do not want.
"Oh hello doctor, last time I saw you, you were complicit with the social services in blackmailing me."
Trust has gone. The things I want to talk about I can't, especially with two men sitting there who are eager to tick a box that I am in some way failing my child.
I had an appointment with the job centre in the morning but I changed it to next week. Too much to deal with in one day.
I tell you this perhaps because although I may not blog as much as before, because housing did dominate and I am now happy where I am, the difficulty of a life on benefits will have its challenges.
Why?
My rent is £345 a week.
£100 extra for an extra bedroom.
Never mind cuts to housing benefits seeing me drown
I'm being forced back to work.
I want to go back to work.
A full time deputy editor on a magazine I never earnt that sum.
On top, Camden are cutting funds to all play services.
My son's after school club may have to go.
What will I, what will everyone else do?
I'm not bidding yet, that's for sure. I was unsuccessful when in desperate need, I don't need reminding of that, don't need weekly reminding that this roof is insecure..
So Nico Teen, gonna chat about you alot!
A week without you and you're back.
Not for long buddy, not for long.
Allen Carr and Stigmum, is that all a girl needs?
"Oh hello doctor, last time I saw you, you were complicit with the social services in blackmailing me."
Trust has gone. The things I want to talk about I can't, especially with two men sitting there who are eager to tick a box that I am in some way failing my child.
I had an appointment with the job centre in the morning but I changed it to next week. Too much to deal with in one day.
I tell you this perhaps because although I may not blog as much as before, because housing did dominate and I am now happy where I am, the difficulty of a life on benefits will have its challenges.
Why?
My rent is £345 a week.
£100 extra for an extra bedroom.
Never mind cuts to housing benefits seeing me drown
I'm being forced back to work.
I want to go back to work.
A full time deputy editor on a magazine I never earnt that sum.
On top, Camden are cutting funds to all play services.
My son's after school club may have to go.
What will I, what will everyone else do?
I'm not bidding yet, that's for sure. I was unsuccessful when in desperate need, I don't need reminding of that, don't need weekly reminding that this roof is insecure..
So Nico Teen, gonna chat about you alot!
A week without you and you're back.
Not for long buddy, not for long.
Allen Carr and Stigmum, is that all a girl needs?
We begin again
So fearful have I been to start blogging again that this morning I popped into the local newsagent and bought a ten pack of JPS for £2.43 after a week without Nico Teen.
I tumbled into the New Year on a high - with my parents, my son, my brother, his wife and three children and Al Cohol never running dry.
The New Moon! An auspicious day to let go of Nico Teen.
Angel Raphael, to help me on my way.
I tried to let go of Stigmum, replaced her with Sudoku.
Then I read the papers. The condems wishing to charge us Stigmums for using the CSA.. "To keep families together" allegedly.
No, it's to punish our children a little more
To keep them wedged between warring parents
A father doesn't mind throwing a mother into poverty
Else using money to control her.
Stigmum understands all this.
Tentatively I came back.
NotSupermum wrote an excellent post on anonymity. So much I feel I cannot say but at a loss of how to start again, in parallel.
I don't know how I will continue
Housing is often at the forefront of my mind but I will not talk about it, nor write about it, merely think what I can do.
Nico Teen has to go so Stigmum you must help me through this.
In truth it's the Flat Pack that started it. I thought if Stacey Solomon could DIY a cabinet, I could DIY a bookcase.
The screws are all sticking out, impossible to drive in.
I failed to get the pie this time (her prize for success on Celebrity Get me Out of Here)
So what better reason to start writing again.
About what, who knows?
Life must move on, and so must I, that's all I know.
I tumbled into the New Year on a high - with my parents, my son, my brother, his wife and three children and Al Cohol never running dry.
The New Moon! An auspicious day to let go of Nico Teen.
Angel Raphael, to help me on my way.
I tried to let go of Stigmum, replaced her with Sudoku.
Then I read the papers. The condems wishing to charge us Stigmums for using the CSA.. "To keep families together" allegedly.
No, it's to punish our children a little more
To keep them wedged between warring parents
A father doesn't mind throwing a mother into poverty
Else using money to control her.
Stigmum understands all this.
Tentatively I came back.
NotSupermum wrote an excellent post on anonymity. So much I feel I cannot say but at a loss of how to start again, in parallel.
I don't know how I will continue
Housing is often at the forefront of my mind but I will not talk about it, nor write about it, merely think what I can do.
Nico Teen has to go so Stigmum you must help me through this.
In truth it's the Flat Pack that started it. I thought if Stacey Solomon could DIY a cabinet, I could DIY a bookcase.
The screws are all sticking out, impossible to drive in.
I failed to get the pie this time (her prize for success on Celebrity Get me Out of Here)
So what better reason to start writing again.
About what, who knows?
Life must move on, and so must I, that's all I know.
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
Happy New Year
No, really
Stiggers I can't stay away from you
The new flat is lovely
The boy a delight
The rent is so high
The year heads to a blight
But I need you
You need me
I can't go away
Let's work to a good year
Come what may!
2011 we welcome you
To all of you out there
We really do wish you
All the very best
xxx
Happy New Year
No, really
Stiggers I can't stay away from you
The new flat is lovely
The boy a delight
The rent is so high
The year heads to a blight
But I need you
You need me
I can't go away
Let's work to a good year
Come what may!
2011 we welcome you
To all of you out there
We really do wish you
All the very best
xxx
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