Good stress?

I've told my son he's not having a birthday this year. It was while he's been watching ads on tv saying "I want this, I want that," and I'm thinking "Shit, I can't order anything online because what if we move next week." I'm thinking "Shit, everything costs so much money."

I've had to be honest with him, it's really shit. He said he wants a get together with his friends, on the heath. The Heath is free, the Heath would be perfect.

I've had to say no, because in the park, parents don't want to stick around with their children, so the children don't come.

Two years ago was the last Heath party. Mostly old friends of both of ours, kids who attend different schools but with whom we've had such little contact with, especially since last year when I took a few of his classmates to the cinema.

A sleepover with two or three friends is not an option although I wish it was.

There's always the indoor play centre. Eight is the perfect age for that. How do I transport stuff there and back (food, party bags)? How do I afford it? It's one thing thinking "fuck the money" when it's £20 you're looking at. Quite another thinking 'fuck the money' when you're thinking the Oh The Draught will blow a further bright red £200 into the pits of hell. (Credit should be red I think, the Oh The Draught black, because debt is so dark aaaaaaaargh)

This morning familiar housing stress. topped with birthday stress. Why should I do nothing because our lives are currently in a 'could change any minute' limbo, but isn't changing. Day in day out, the bailiff's order, which I dread, doesn't come. Fear until midday then relief that I can let go of it in the afternoon.

Why should I do nothing because I can't afford it?

AAAAARGH. FUCK IT.

A few years ago a child in the other class had a disco in the local hall. I don't know how I would execute such a thing. I don't know how I would go about it. If we're still living here though it's an option because it's nearby and hopefully cheap to hire.

So the next few days I'm going to transfer stress.

I'm going to stop praying for housing. I'm going to visualise my son having fun with friends instead.

Somehow, the impossible will become possible.

The hall will be vacant and cheap, I will meet someone who has an ipod who's willing to help me out, I will meet someone who can tell me how to manage two hours with 30 odd kids, most of whom may not want to dance.

I don't know, I really do not know, I really have no idea, I've never done something like this before.

I want my son to celebrate his birthday with his friends.

That much I do know.

I'm going to pray it all comes together. Some how, some way some thing will come together.