Why can't you have what you want? You seem to think that there is a good reason why your goal is unattainable. You are psychologically preparing yourself for an experience of disappointment. What has persuaded you to be so negative? Have you heard some dispiriting explanation? Or do you secretly feel that perhaps you don't deserve to have your aspiration fulfilled? You have to ask yourself if you really want what you say you want. If you don't, stop telling yourself that you do. If you do, stop telling yourself that it's impossible.
Right, I'm going for a swim. The Lido this time, not the pond. I saw a Mistress yesterday, told her I had no strength for Bazza's Zen Boot Camp.
If my mind won't stop working, I need to move my body.
If I am to do what I want to do, I need my body, my mind, my heart and I really really have to fuck the consequences for me and my son. Believe that we will be alright, whatever happens.
I'm transferring fear. Fear of eviction to fear of exposure. I can deal with the eviction again later but I'll use it for now.
My son gave me that idea this morning. I often don't realise how silent I am:
"Why are you stressed mummy?"
"Stressed sweetie? I've got an idea, a good idea and if it works it will get in the news and stuff and I find that quite scary."
"Why mummy?"
And I shrugged and laughed and kissed the top of his head.
We will be alright
We will be alright
We will be alright!
I need to reclaim my excitement and hold on to my passion.
I need Water.
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