Reproach

Yesterday, as you might read in the following post, was a good day (apart from bingeing on two doughnuts and two bags of crisps in the space of 15 minutes during a nicoteen withdrawal - totally against the rules of the book...)

It was my second day without Nico Teen.
My first day without it was pretty horrible, mostly because I felt I'd rushed into stopping, but anyway, I'm sure I'll mention that in the future.

Late yesterday afternoon I got an email from my contact at Allen Carr inviting me to one of the Stop Smoking sessions. He said if I was still smoking, I should carry on doing it.
Earlier this week you see I emailed him saying I really wanted to attend but might have stopped smoking by then! Would it be ok to attend anyway to reinforce the very real need to stop forever?
His email yesterday, a gift from heaven, from Allen Carr himself (heh heh)

Following that email, I phoned the centre, left a message on the answer machine then later, I don't know, I dunno, I DO NOT KNOW, I rolled up 'Old Virginia, cracked open one of the (big) beers Annie had brought round the other night, and well, had myself a little party.
Me and Myself, unravelling all the positive exercise of that morning....
Judging by the number of filter tips I had left this morning, I smoked 12 cigarettes (surely not stiggers, surely not...)

Reproach has made its presence felt within me.
I'm going to feel this for a week.
Every day, every cigarette.
I'm going to feel it in my teeth and gums and I'm going to feel it in my neck, and of course, these two parts of my body are connected to my mind.
Reproach, and I guess with its little mate Guilt, I can feel it now, is going to drive me up the fecking wall.
In this case, perhaps it is necessary. It is this that will stamp out Nico Teen for good.
I can only think hu-fecking-raaaaaaaaaaaah!