We're not packing to move house this time
I don't want to leave
Half term though (already!)
a good time to go
I didn't give myself time
after the breakdown
As soon as I felt strong, well
back to blogging!!
This began as a casestudy
It began as dumping ground
A casestudy about a statutorily homeless mother on benefits
A dumping ground for me so I didn't dump on my friends
My sixteen year old self is awake though
Doesn't want me to be writing this stuff
I have to listen to her
Reconnect
This blog is actually a love story
It's one person supporting another
It's what you have to do
I have to make a break
Re-union
Re-pair
Re-member
My-self
Showing posts with label Reunions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reunions. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Friday, 3 February 2012
Waking up to oneself - a re-union
My one night stand was a catalyst for change, but the catalyst actually began at the school reunion. where I felt something dark flutter inside me when I passed my old bedroom. The dark flutter turned out to be 16 year old me.
Here's what I wrote, a morning after a night where tears came from the bank of nowhere that has no depth that we can reach. The Foca had left me eight years before.
She's woken up and realised the boy she loved is the father of her child and is devastated it hasn't worked out.
So I find myself grieving for my relationship all over again and so powerfully.
I have let him go before
I have to let him go again and I don't want to.
He's married now, I tell myself. It's ok, he's happy and he never really knew how to look after you anyway. He could only ever be your friend. That's how it is sometimes. I know it hurts but better to have loved, even for an instant, than never having loved before
Be happy what you felt was real
and you have a beautiful son
He's lucky I loved him
He's lucky you loved him.
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November 2011)
This might seem a bit crazy but the one night stand I had was the first proper, healthy, sexual experience of me being with myself, connected to myself. Well no, Luke from (can't call it)Shit School was, post sex therapy, but I dumped him for accepting me didn't I.....
I'd told my past life regression therapist when I saw her the second and last session, admitted for the first time, that I didn't know how to do 'love'. I didn't know how to do 'intimacy'. One of my friends can't do love or intimacy either so I know I'm not alone.
That reunion was the catalyst for me to start my life over again, stronger within myself.
He Who Said I Was Hot was sent to tell me, sent to show me, what I either didn't know, or what I had forgotten.
If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back
(22nd November, straight after the above)
I will rest until I'm stronger
hopefully it won't take long
(Still thinking the same thing today...though I know now I'm on a forward path)
Tell yourself you are on a forward path
Connect with yourself. if you are not already connected
You are the very beginning of everything
Don't be scared, simply trust.
(Gee, big one stigs!)
Here's what I wrote, a morning after a night where tears came from the bank of nowhere that has no depth that we can reach. The Foca had left me eight years before.
She's woken up and realised the boy she loved is the father of her child and is devastated it hasn't worked out.
So I find myself grieving for my relationship all over again and so powerfully.
I have let him go before
I have to let him go again and I don't want to.
He's married now, I tell myself. It's ok, he's happy and he never really knew how to look after you anyway. He could only ever be your friend. That's how it is sometimes. I know it hurts but better to have loved, even for an instant, than never having loved before
Be happy what you felt was real
and you have a beautiful son
He's lucky I loved him
He's lucky you loved him.
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November 2011)
This might seem a bit crazy but the one night stand I had was the first proper, healthy, sexual experience of me being with myself, connected to myself. Well no, Luke from (can't call it)Shit School was, post sex therapy, but I dumped him for accepting me didn't I.....
I'd told my past life regression therapist when I saw her the second and last session, admitted for the first time, that I didn't know how to do 'love'. I didn't know how to do 'intimacy'. One of my friends can't do love or intimacy either so I know I'm not alone.
That reunion was the catalyst for me to start my life over again, stronger within myself.
He Who Said I Was Hot was sent to tell me, sent to show me, what I either didn't know, or what I had forgotten.
If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back
(22nd November, straight after the above)
I will rest until I'm stronger
hopefully it won't take long
(Still thinking the same thing today...though I know now I'm on a forward path)
Tell yourself you are on a forward path
Connect with yourself. if you are not already connected
You are the very beginning of everything
Don't be scared, simply trust.
(Gee, big one stigs!)
Happy Endings
I said at the start of this One Night label that taking you on my journeys was dangerous. Didn't get the council flat, root canal ended how I didn't want it too. Did give up smoking though, I said.
You know what I forgot?
Reunions!!
I took you on that journey!!
That did end well!!
Shit brick absolutely terrified of returning to such unhappy memories but went ahead anyway.
I was reunited with my sixteen year old self who I'd abandoned there!
So you see, there is such a thing as happy endings and I shouldn't be afraid of taking you on journeys because they won't necessarily turn out badly or negatively.
That's the beauty of blogging, the beauty of labelling posts. It's told me there is such a thing as a happy ending.
I was able to let go of that past, the weight of it released with one act of bravery. I am still tempted to write some of the lessons I learnt from that reunion experience, because I don't know who it might help my sharing them, but I do know it will help me. I think I got interrupted by something else when I was on the subject of the subsequent breakdown. Not all breakdowns are bad for you though they feel it at the time!
This One Night label will have a happy ending because I'm not going to see it through to the end with you, I will end it as positively as stigs and I are able to end it before moving forward.
Have faith in yourself
You know what I forgot?
Reunions!!
I took you on that journey!!
That did end well!!
Shit brick absolutely terrified of returning to such unhappy memories but went ahead anyway.
I was reunited with my sixteen year old self who I'd abandoned there!
So you see, there is such a thing as happy endings and I shouldn't be afraid of taking you on journeys because they won't necessarily turn out badly or negatively.
That's the beauty of blogging, the beauty of labelling posts. It's told me there is such a thing as a happy ending.
I was able to let go of that past, the weight of it released with one act of bravery. I am still tempted to write some of the lessons I learnt from that reunion experience, because I don't know who it might help my sharing them, but I do know it will help me. I think I got interrupted by something else when I was on the subject of the subsequent breakdown. Not all breakdowns are bad for you though they feel it at the time!
This One Night label will have a happy ending because I'm not going to see it through to the end with you, I will end it as positively as stigs and I are able to end it before moving forward.
Have faith in yourself
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Hopeful Horoscopes Hosanna!
Do you need to do some talking? Or do you need to do some listening? There's a point you are keen to communicate. Understandably so. It is important. Indeed, we have to ask, if it matters so much, why is it not already self-evident? Is it because you can see further than someone else. Is it because you have information that someone else is oblivious to? Perhaps a third party can help you to find some way to draw it to their attention. You can't just hold up a megaphone and shout. It's necessary to be subtle and sensitive. What joyous potential can 2012 bring you?
(Jonathan Cainer)
I'm going to a carol concert tonight, which is followed by a champagne reception, dahling.
I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to listen, but I know I have to pass information. I have a chance to pass information.
It calls for Magic Pants and Pearl Earings I think
(and no, I haven't blogged about that yet, but I will, now the need to pull them out pops up again)
Wish me luck. Oh God, a little bit of luck oh, and an ability to talk, to listen and to SING!!!
Tra la laaaaaaa a a a a oh!
(Jonathan Cainer)
I'm going to a carol concert tonight, which is followed by a champagne reception, dahling.
I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to listen, but I know I have to pass information. I have a chance to pass information.
It calls for Magic Pants and Pearl Earings I think
(and no, I haven't blogged about that yet, but I will, now the need to pull them out pops up again)
Wish me luck. Oh God, a little bit of luck oh, and an ability to talk, to listen and to SING!!!
Tra la laaaaaaa a a a a oh!
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Self Possession
It appears I have been haunting myself, on and off, for the best part of a quarter of a century.
Brings new meaning to the phrase
Self Possessed
Next time somebody tells you you are very self possessed say
ha ha ha ha ha ha........boo!
Tres drole Stiggers, tres drole
(Taken from Notebook 20 November)
Brings new meaning to the phrase
Self Possessed
Next time somebody tells you you are very self possessed say
ha ha ha ha ha ha........boo!
Tres drole Stiggers, tres drole
(Taken from Notebook 20 November)
Past Life Regression Healing
I thought I had a gremlin, or some kind of malevolent spirit living inside me and I told the healer to get rid of it, get rid of this fluttering black thing inside me.
She said it wasn't a thing, it was a part of me and while I sobbed, she spoke:
"Where is she?" asked the healer.
"Perched on the window in her old bedroom," I replied.
"What is she doing?"
"She's crying, she wants to jump. In the distance, far far, far, she can see her parents, they'll be so disappointed..."
"What colours can you see?"
I looked around.
"I can't, it's all black. Black."
She spoke alot this healer. Very gently, coaxing. A I cried I bore my knuckles into my eye sockets, desperate to disappear.
"How does she feel?" asked the healer.
Wracking sobs, my torso shaking, then a word appears. A new word to me. A word I never knew. A real word. The truth.
"Abandoned."
More tears but different somehow. The healer gently asking why and taking my memory back two years; making sense of everything between until that realisation that I too had abandoned myself and suddenly all of that, everything that the 16 year old inside me was feeling, was acknowledged.
"Shall we see if she wants to come in now?" The healers voice drifts into my revelation. "Shall we comfort her? Shall we wrap her up and comfort her? What colour shall we wrap her in?"
Through the black comes "pink, like the t-shirt my friend gave me", then "No, blue, not pink,"
"She can have blue aswell,"
"Blue like Mary's veil..."
"Oh that's lovely.."
I giggle, excited, then embarrassed, say I'm being greedy, but the healer doesn't respond to that, just keeps talking about bringing her in from the cold, from the dark place, from the nightmare.
"Perhaps she didn't know that you had stepped back in," she says gently. "Maybe she didn't know you hadn't jumped."
The comfort of those words, a feeling so huge it stayed with me for days as I held myself at night.
The healer wants me to go again. It's really expensive. I'm not sure I want to, but I feel I owe it to myself.
(Taken from Notebook 20th November)
This post is for Marcus, a school friend I recently discovered killed himself two years ago. It goes to Jennyfer Spencer, the disabled woman I wrote about, who left her note with the local paper. To Helen and Mark, the couple I read about the day after I wrote a post about being internally paralysed. It goes to Gary Speed, the Welsh football manager who was found hanged.
It goes to all of those who cannot cope
Do Cuts Kill? asked Patrick Butler in the Guardian recently.
Yes, yes they do. And yes, yes they will.
Find hope and hang on to it.
I wish you all peace, in this lifetime as well as the next x
She said it wasn't a thing, it was a part of me and while I sobbed, she spoke:
"Where is she?" asked the healer.
"Perched on the window in her old bedroom," I replied.
"What is she doing?"
"She's crying, she wants to jump. In the distance, far far, far, she can see her parents, they'll be so disappointed..."
"What colours can you see?"
I looked around.
"I can't, it's all black. Black."
She spoke alot this healer. Very gently, coaxing. A I cried I bore my knuckles into my eye sockets, desperate to disappear.
"How does she feel?" asked the healer.
Wracking sobs, my torso shaking, then a word appears. A new word to me. A word I never knew. A real word. The truth.
"Abandoned."
More tears but different somehow. The healer gently asking why and taking my memory back two years; making sense of everything between until that realisation that I too had abandoned myself and suddenly all of that, everything that the 16 year old inside me was feeling, was acknowledged.
"Shall we see if she wants to come in now?" The healers voice drifts into my revelation. "Shall we comfort her? Shall we wrap her up and comfort her? What colour shall we wrap her in?"
Through the black comes "pink, like the t-shirt my friend gave me", then "No, blue, not pink,"
"She can have blue aswell,"
"Blue like Mary's veil..."
"Oh that's lovely.."
I giggle, excited, then embarrassed, say I'm being greedy, but the healer doesn't respond to that, just keeps talking about bringing her in from the cold, from the dark place, from the nightmare.
"Perhaps she didn't know that you had stepped back in," she says gently. "Maybe she didn't know you hadn't jumped."
The comfort of those words, a feeling so huge it stayed with me for days as I held myself at night.
The healer wants me to go again. It's really expensive. I'm not sure I want to, but I feel I owe it to myself.
(Taken from Notebook 20th November)
This post is for Marcus, a school friend I recently discovered killed himself two years ago. It goes to Jennyfer Spencer, the disabled woman I wrote about, who left her note with the local paper. To Helen and Mark, the couple I read about the day after I wrote a post about being internally paralysed. It goes to Gary Speed, the Welsh football manager who was found hanged.
It goes to all of those who cannot cope
Do Cuts Kill? asked Patrick Butler in the Guardian recently.
Yes, yes they do. And yes, yes they will.
Find hope and hang on to it.
I wish you all peace, in this lifetime as well as the next x
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Taking It Easy - Poetry?
Not been writing pad nor blog
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Dreams of bats in white porcelain bowls
Last night I was woken up by a flutter and vision of bats trying to fly out of one of my white porcelain bowls. I didn't let it freak me out. I'm going to the London School of Psychic Studies today. They will help me. (They have to help me) I'm really scared actually, so good job the doc has signed me off signing on, noting 'anxiety' as the cause.
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
The location of old ghosts
The second email I wrote after my first 'thanks' one. Sometimes it's not good to rake over the past, but other times you have no choice but to. So, a little bit of history for ya, potted so it's makes sense (ha ha ha):
Tuesday, whenever that was. Oh yeah, yesterday!
Hi [Member of Staff],
I don't know if the college is in touch with [my son's] father and it's really not my place to interfere with that. It's between him and the school. I'll be seeing him later and if I get the chance, will probably ask him. He wasn't happy there either. I will tell him his biology teacher remembers him well.
Not really confessing, ok yes confessing but Sunday a mad thing happened to me as I walked through my old corridor. I felt the flutter of a ghost inside me. Only for an instant but it made me smile as better in me that out I thought at the time, so fearful am of, well, ghouls! Wonderful lunch followed, chatting to Mr [Brother] who's daughter was the year below my sister at the school they went to. Great afternoon. Great, all of it. You know. Good chat with Mr [Told Me My Ally Wasn't Dead]. Lift to the station! Briliant.
Told all on facebook - brilliant! Some even said they wished they'd come (not my year though!)
Revenge of the tears last night. Oh my..for the break up of my family; [my son's] dad was my boyfriend at school, all for two minutes but still, the bullying I allowed to happen with some girls and finally of course, that the flutter happened outside the room where I contemplated suicide in [Lower 6]. Three breakdowns/breakthroughs I've had since I left [That School] that now I know to be 'spiritual emergencies'. Housing problems led me to suicide dreams that I am now able to control. Over the next day or two I'm going to get in touch with a healer because I want to understand what happened to me. I'd said to somebody before going back to [That School] that I was going to reclaim myself because I lost myself there. Well myself has certainly seemed to have found me and the tears are what I told myself last night, another much needed healing process.
I took a giant step to come back. Infact, I think I was pushed. I think I was pushed by God. I didn't have to listen of course but it's always easier if you do isn't it?
So I don't know (I have a political party called the I Don't Know Party!). I don't know if I will come back or whether I will hold the memory of last weekend as a perfect memory. I have no idea. I'm getting dreams to write to one of the girls.[Decades past] though, people's lives have moved on. Mine has to. Why wake things up?
I will send the cheque, thank you so much for the puddings;) Please be patient though, I am quite rubbish and forgetful but you will get it. If I come I may come with the cash.
Sorry about this email. I'm aware I don't have to explain anything or justify anything but I've started a journey, long long ago and well, I've got to take it to the end. I'm sure I'll start enjoying it soon! I did say to [my son) yesterday I might come back next year and he asked if he could come along. He is a great little boy, I am very lucky to have him.
I won't give my mailing address now but I may do in the future.
I'm aware I'm being how I'm being and please don't mind me because I'm used to it!
I'll be in touch again. Please thank [Vintage Priest] for his time the other day and for the offer of returning.
Best wishes,
Sue de Nim
Tuesday, whenever that was. Oh yeah, yesterday!
Hi [Member of Staff],
I don't know if the college is in touch with [my son's] father and it's really not my place to interfere with that. It's between him and the school. I'll be seeing him later and if I get the chance, will probably ask him. He wasn't happy there either. I will tell him his biology teacher remembers him well.
Not really confessing, ok yes confessing but Sunday a mad thing happened to me as I walked through my old corridor. I felt the flutter of a ghost inside me. Only for an instant but it made me smile as better in me that out I thought at the time, so fearful am of, well, ghouls! Wonderful lunch followed, chatting to Mr [Brother] who's daughter was the year below my sister at the school they went to. Great afternoon. Great, all of it. You know. Good chat with Mr [Told Me My Ally Wasn't Dead]. Lift to the station! Briliant.
Told all on facebook - brilliant! Some even said they wished they'd come (not my year though!)
Revenge of the tears last night. Oh my..for the break up of my family; [my son's] dad was my boyfriend at school, all for two minutes but still, the bullying I allowed to happen with some girls and finally of course, that the flutter happened outside the room where I contemplated suicide in [Lower 6]. Three breakdowns/breakthroughs I've had since I left [That School] that now I know to be 'spiritual emergencies'. Housing problems led me to suicide dreams that I am now able to control. Over the next day or two I'm going to get in touch with a healer because I want to understand what happened to me. I'd said to somebody before going back to [That School] that I was going to reclaim myself because I lost myself there. Well myself has certainly seemed to have found me and the tears are what I told myself last night, another much needed healing process.
I took a giant step to come back. Infact, I think I was pushed. I think I was pushed by God. I didn't have to listen of course but it's always easier if you do isn't it?
So I don't know (I have a political party called the I Don't Know Party!). I don't know if I will come back or whether I will hold the memory of last weekend as a perfect memory. I have no idea. I'm getting dreams to write to one of the girls.[Decades past] though, people's lives have moved on. Mine has to. Why wake things up?
I will send the cheque, thank you so much for the puddings;) Please be patient though, I am quite rubbish and forgetful but you will get it. If I come I may come with the cash.
Sorry about this email. I'm aware I don't have to explain anything or justify anything but I've started a journey, long long ago and well, I've got to take it to the end. I'm sure I'll start enjoying it soon! I did say to [my son) yesterday I might come back next year and he asked if he could come along. He is a great little boy, I am very lucky to have him.
I won't give my mailing address now but I may do in the future.
I'm aware I'm being how I'm being and please don't mind me because I'm used to it!
I'll be in touch again. Please thank [Vintage Priest] for his time the other day and for the offer of returning.
Best wishes,
Sue de Nim
Old ghosts
If I had more than two tapes in the bedroom on the corridor at the Shit School I really shouldn't call a Shit School anymore, (later I was moved to the stairwell) then I can't remember.
On facebook I posted Bat out of Hell but I think I've referenced that song on here, to do with housing.
A great album that Meatloaf album. Some great tracks. Stiggers picked this one for you today. I used to cry out loud to it:
On facebook I posted Bat out of Hell but I think I've referenced that song on here, to do with housing.
A great album that Meatloaf album. Some great tracks. Stiggers picked this one for you today. I used to cry out loud to it:
Awakening Reunions
I can't articulate about the reunion, just to say it was magical. Really. From the first direct train getting me and my son to the church on time to be given a lift back to the station minutes before our carriage home. So much inbetween. This is what I recorded on facebook as I'd told friends there I was frightened so wanted to reconnect there first. What I will say is that I believe my blogging days as Stigmum's conduit will end soon. Sure, I'm sad about that but it has to be done.
Sunday 13th Nov 9pm on my homepage
Il reunion was brilliant, wicked, fantastic, mind blowing! More surreal than surreal, for I've never been to one like it, nor will I ever again; there was not one person from my year there!! Year above, year below, but mine?!Nope! I tell ya, flying in the face of your fears... well, I've got a nice large glass of vino to keep me grounded, else I might fly right away!
(10 comments)
In response to the Facebook Event Creator's "How was it guys" Monday 14th Nov
It was brilliant! The girls' area is now a boys area...As I walked through it I sensed all the ghosts inside me which was quite funny believe it or not! Our common room a staff common room now. Old teaching allies who are not dead like I'd heard one was! The Mass was amazing and later hilarious, even [Vintage Priest] laughed when [my son] banged his head against the 150 year old relic [ of saint]. Didn't make it to the rugby, or behind the chapel to join some smokers;) There were only a few of us there and it was great to see you/them. Great vibes basically from a school that has haunted so many of us. Will I go again? Dunno! Maybe!
(9 comments) Two guys including Luke wrote they wished they'd come having read that
On my homepage, to my friend friends
You might think I'm abit odd but yesterday when I walked along the corridor of my old living area (which is now a boys living area) I felt my ghosts fluttering inside me! Only for a moment. Then I tried the door to my old room, not used by any person now and it was locked and to the old common room (now for staff) and it was locked and to the toilets where some of us would smoke up by the fans, and it was locked. Just remembering it this morning! I don't think I'm odd btw, bit mad maybe, but not odd!
(14 comment conversation follows between me and an Old Boy after the post I'm posting next)
I'm thinking of deleting my last comment but I'm not going to. I simply failed to get across that my ghostly experience was funny (shame you can't use italics on fb, or can you and I haven't figured it out yet...;))
A primary school friend and a girl I worked with in Japan 'Like' this.
Highlight of yesterday was [my son] accidently headbutting a 150 year old Relic in the old school chapel. The priest laughed and I sniggered in exactly the same way as I would try to control my sniggers back in the days before I was forever (not, clearly) banned from the place!
Comments that follow
I think that counts as an extra blessing for [your son] :) From an Old Girl
Monday at 12:11pm · Like
Me Yeah! And inadvertently, I like to think a message to me too! It is all Light. Or at least, it should be...!
Monday at 12:14pm · Like
I felt a bit like that when my daughter did a poo on the side of the croquet lawn at [the school which kicked you out]...
Monday at 4:36pm · Like · 1
Me: Ha ha ha that's hilarious [G}, makes me think revenge is a dish which will be served up by our children, whether we like it, or plan it or not!!
Monday at 8:35pm · Like · 2 (though I wished I hadn't commented and kept the blessing thought instead of the revenge thought because:
It's been the Revenge of the Tears ever since
I will blog about it the best way I know how (or the best way Stiggers tells me) then leave this board
I am only writing about this experience because I believe it has some value for someone. It is hard though, I don't know what to tell you to expect.
"You're the real deal" had said a member of staff at the school
"Raw deal you mean, ha ha ha ha ha!"
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoooooo, I love blogging as Stigmum but I'm going to have to start over, with a different username, but I know just the one!!!
Sunday 13th Nov 9pm on my homepage
Il reunion was brilliant, wicked, fantastic, mind blowing! More surreal than surreal, for I've never been to one like it, nor will I ever again; there was not one person from my year there!! Year above, year below, but mine?!Nope! I tell ya, flying in the face of your fears... well, I've got a nice large glass of vino to keep me grounded, else I might fly right away!
(10 comments)
In response to the Facebook Event Creator's "How was it guys" Monday 14th Nov
It was brilliant! The girls' area is now a boys area...As I walked through it I sensed all the ghosts inside me which was quite funny believe it or not! Our common room a staff common room now. Old teaching allies who are not dead like I'd heard one was! The Mass was amazing and later hilarious, even [Vintage Priest] laughed when [my son] banged his head against the 150 year old relic [ of saint]. Didn't make it to the rugby, or behind the chapel to join some smokers;) There were only a few of us there and it was great to see you/them. Great vibes basically from a school that has haunted so many of us. Will I go again? Dunno! Maybe!
(9 comments) Two guys including Luke wrote they wished they'd come having read that
On my homepage, to my friend friends
You might think I'm abit odd but yesterday when I walked along the corridor of my old living area (which is now a boys living area) I felt my ghosts fluttering inside me! Only for a moment. Then I tried the door to my old room, not used by any person now and it was locked and to the old common room (now for staff) and it was locked and to the toilets where some of us would smoke up by the fans, and it was locked. Just remembering it this morning! I don't think I'm odd btw, bit mad maybe, but not odd!
(14 comment conversation follows between me and an Old Boy after the post I'm posting next)
I'm thinking of deleting my last comment but I'm not going to. I simply failed to get across that my ghostly experience was funny (shame you can't use italics on fb, or can you and I haven't figured it out yet...;))
A primary school friend and a girl I worked with in Japan 'Like' this.
Highlight of yesterday was [my son] accidently headbutting a 150 year old Relic in the old school chapel. The priest laughed and I sniggered in exactly the same way as I would try to control my sniggers back in the days before I was forever (not, clearly) banned from the place!
Comments that follow
I think that counts as an extra blessing for [your son] :) From an Old Girl
Monday at 12:11pm · Like
Me Yeah! And inadvertently, I like to think a message to me too! It is all Light. Or at least, it should be...!
Monday at 12:14pm · Like
I felt a bit like that when my daughter did a poo on the side of the croquet lawn at [the school which kicked you out]...
Monday at 4:36pm · Like · 1
Me: Ha ha ha that's hilarious [G}, makes me think revenge is a dish which will be served up by our children, whether we like it, or plan it or not!!
Monday at 8:35pm · Like · 2 (though I wished I hadn't commented and kept the blessing thought instead of the revenge thought because:
It's been the Revenge of the Tears ever since
I will blog about it the best way I know how (or the best way Stiggers tells me) then leave this board
I am only writing about this experience because I believe it has some value for someone. It is hard though, I don't know what to tell you to expect.
"You're the real deal" had said a member of staff at the school
"Raw deal you mean, ha ha ha ha ha!"
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoooooo, I love blogging as Stigmum but I'm going to have to start over, with a different username, but I know just the one!!!
Pre Reunion Nerves
Relax relax relax relax breathe relax
It will be fine
It will be fine
Man on Heath said "You'll love it!"
You will so get excited instead of scared
You've got [your son] with you, the prayers of your mam and pap, the luck and support from friends. Do it.
Go into the church and bow your head, repeatedly saying thankyou to God and the angels, to Mary and the saints, for [your son], for your parents, for your being there and holding it together.
Good things will come from it
Good things
Reunion
Re-union
Your relationships will get better because you will feel stronger.
Rest afterwards and stay close to people who love you, yourself included.
(Taken from notebook: 12th November 2011)
It will be fine
It will be fine
Man on Heath said "You'll love it!"
You will so get excited instead of scared
You've got [your son] with you, the prayers of your mam and pap, the luck and support from friends. Do it.
Go into the church and bow your head, repeatedly saying thankyou to God and the angels, to Mary and the saints, for [your son], for your parents, for your being there and holding it together.
Good things will come from it
Good things
Reunion
Re-union
Your relationships will get better because you will feel stronger.
Rest afterwards and stay close to people who love you, yourself included.
(Taken from notebook: 12th November 2011)
Saturday, 12 November 2011
I ain't afraid of no ghosts...says trembling me
The spectre of that Shit School is looming large. Body is trembling, knees may buckle, heart is beating so fast I have to breath hard to steady it...
but hey, it was long ago, long ago. The wicked priest is dead, the evil prison marshalls gone... haven't they? And, most curious of any reunion I've ever been to in my life, I don't know who's going, just the friends who aren't (If the Foca's there I think I'll drop down dead but he won't be.. he won't be will he.. just the shadow of a memory in that great corridor where I was told I couldn't go into the church because God didn't want me there.)
I've got to keep calm and keep telling myself...It's all in the past and I ain't afraid of no ghosts! I'm brave me, brave...and it's costing me a fecking fortune just to get to the place so it better be worth it!
but hey, it was long ago, long ago. The wicked priest is dead, the evil prison marshalls gone... haven't they? And, most curious of any reunion I've ever been to in my life, I don't know who's going, just the friends who aren't (If the Foca's there I think I'll drop down dead but he won't be.. he won't be will he.. just the shadow of a memory in that great corridor where I was told I couldn't go into the church because God didn't want me there.)
I've got to keep calm and keep telling myself...It's all in the past and I ain't afraid of no ghosts! I'm brave me, brave...and it's costing me a fecking fortune just to get to the place so it better be worth it!
Friday, 11 November 2011
Meditation for 11.11.11
From Soul & Spirit. November issue. Page 41
Try this meditation from Shekinah to connect to the 11.11.11 energies at any time on the actual day of November 11th. When you do it, set your intention to ground peaceful, unifying energies into yourself, and the world and the universe.
*If you can, create a relaxing atmosphere with music, candles, incense or oils
*Focus on your breath. Inhale and exhale peace and love
*Imagine putting all your problems in a basket at your feet. Do this for a few moments until you feel completely relaxed.
*Then, with one deep breathe, picture roots growing out of your feet into Mother Earth. Inhale the Earth energy up into your heart and then out into the universe. Imagine this vibration, contained in your breath, merging with the 11.11.11 energies, and breathe that back down into your heart, and out into the universe.
*Visualise it going all the way round the world, enlarging and strengthening the lay lines.
*As you breathe, envision two symbols of light growing in your heart: one representing your internal masculine energy and the other your feminine.
*When you feel ready, imagine Shekinah as a bright diamond ball of light coming down from the universe, through your head and into your heart. Picture the latter opening to receive this Divine feminine energy and sense it merging with your internal masculine and feminine energies, bringing unity, peace and harmony.
*See and sense this energy going around the planet, bringing peace and unity to our world. Continue doing this for as long as you wish.
"Shekinah represents the 'hidden feminine' and together with archangel metatron seeks to bring balance and unity to humanity."
Even if you don't believe in any of this, breathing in a white light is a good thing to do anytime you want to reach out or reach in and harness some strength for yourself. You can also do this anytime, any, any, any time!
I wish you all a happy 11.11.11!
Try this meditation from Shekinah to connect to the 11.11.11 energies at any time on the actual day of November 11th. When you do it, set your intention to ground peaceful, unifying energies into yourself, and the world and the universe.
*If you can, create a relaxing atmosphere with music, candles, incense or oils
*Focus on your breath. Inhale and exhale peace and love
*Imagine putting all your problems in a basket at your feet. Do this for a few moments until you feel completely relaxed.
*Then, with one deep breathe, picture roots growing out of your feet into Mother Earth. Inhale the Earth energy up into your heart and then out into the universe. Imagine this vibration, contained in your breath, merging with the 11.11.11 energies, and breathe that back down into your heart, and out into the universe.
*Visualise it going all the way round the world, enlarging and strengthening the lay lines.
*As you breathe, envision two symbols of light growing in your heart: one representing your internal masculine energy and the other your feminine.
*When you feel ready, imagine Shekinah as a bright diamond ball of light coming down from the universe, through your head and into your heart. Picture the latter opening to receive this Divine feminine energy and sense it merging with your internal masculine and feminine energies, bringing unity, peace and harmony.
*See and sense this energy going around the planet, bringing peace and unity to our world. Continue doing this for as long as you wish.
"Shekinah represents the 'hidden feminine' and together with archangel metatron seeks to bring balance and unity to humanity."
Even if you don't believe in any of this, breathing in a white light is a good thing to do anytime you want to reach out or reach in and harness some strength for yourself. You can also do this anytime, any, any, any time!
I wish you all a happy 11.11.11!
Advice for going to frightening school reunions
It might be a long way back to your Shit School. You might have to take a train, change, get a bus, then at the destination get a taxi. You might not think it's worth it. That's fine. You might think it is worth it. That's fine.
Even if you get to your Shit School doors and you can go no further, that's cool. It's further than you have ever been before.
No-one is forcing you to go
No-one is forcing you to stay
No-one is forcing you to leave
No-one is forcing you to do anything you do not want to do.
It is your choice and you are in control.
You can change your mind at any point about anything.
Remember you are brave
Know you are brave
You are brave
Even if you get to your Shit School doors and you can go no further, that's cool. It's further than you have ever been before.
No-one is forcing you to go
No-one is forcing you to stay
No-one is forcing you to leave
No-one is forcing you to do anything you do not want to do.
It is your choice and you are in control.
You can change your mind at any point about anything.
Remember you are brave
Know you are brave
You are brave
Nice neighbours
My neighbours are Italian. One's a musician, one's a hairdresser.
The day before last when I took my son to the salon where he works, he told me that if I was free on Saturday, he'd blow dry my hair!
He knows I've been shitting my pants about the reunion because, well, I've told pretty much everyone I'm shitting my pants.
Anyway, how nice is that???!
"You will look niiiice," he says. "I make you look niiiiic."
They're beautiful my neighbours but telling them how long it's been since I went to Shit School, flip, I don't think they were born!
No matter, age does not matter, age does not wither, nor stale our infinite variety. Isn't that right Shakespeare?!
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours.. That's on Channel 5 these days isn't it?
Focus on the good
Focus on the beauty.
Single mum friend this morning told me I was more than just a single mother on benefits, and should not define myself that way.
"You are a freelance journalist. You may not have written for a while but that's what you are."
With a little understanding
That's when good neighbours become...
OK, Ok, you've got it...
Eeek!
The day before last when I took my son to the salon where he works, he told me that if I was free on Saturday, he'd blow dry my hair!
He knows I've been shitting my pants about the reunion because, well, I've told pretty much everyone I'm shitting my pants.
Anyway, how nice is that???!
"You will look niiiice," he says. "I make you look niiiiic."
They're beautiful my neighbours but telling them how long it's been since I went to Shit School, flip, I don't think they were born!
No matter, age does not matter, age does not wither, nor stale our infinite variety. Isn't that right Shakespeare?!
Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours.. That's on Channel 5 these days isn't it?
Focus on the good
Focus on the beauty.
Single mum friend this morning told me I was more than just a single mother on benefits, and should not define myself that way.
"You are a freelance journalist. You may not have written for a while but that's what you are."
With a little understanding
That's when good neighbours become...
OK, Ok, you've got it...
Eeek!
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Fuck, who knew????????
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Alcohol and Spiritual emergencies
You don't need me to tell you they don't go well together.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
I hope I've stopped crying by Sunday
I can only copy and paste the response to an email I got from Shit School with four attachments. All who were new when I was, all who are and aren't in touch with the school and a list of the records they have on us. I was crying when I left the job centre this morning so it came at a good time to really drive out more tears.
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!
Hi [Staff member at Shit School],
Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.
I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.
The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!
People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.
There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.
I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.
Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.
I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.
However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)
I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.
I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!
Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!
I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,
Best wishes
Sue de Nim
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!
Hi [Staff member at Shit School],
Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.
I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.
The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!
People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.
There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.
I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.
Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.
I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.
However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)
I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.
I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!
Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!
I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,
Best wishes
Sue de Nim
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Sitting down with James
I've been listening to this track alot and find it very comforting. Because I do not want sympathy, nor do benefit claimants, nor do occupylondon protesters, just understanding, Stiggers replaces that with a cuppa tea. Bless me little stiggers, she knows I'm weary
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