If I have made myself ill it is because the Government has made me ill.
I have tried not to allow it to get to me but it depresses me; makes me angry, gets me pissed off. I can only articulate it on here, it silences me in reality, renders me mute. "I don't like it when you're in your daydream head mummy," says my son. I may go to the Women's Centre and start articulating it there. I told them I'd pop by, when I met them at the lobby.
If I have made myself ill it is because of recurring evictions and a State that can but won't stop this cycle; won't regulate rents or build affordable homes. It's disgusting, disgusting what's going on. Private landlords aren't dropping rents and housing associations are increasing theirs. I know all this because the perk, if you like, of being in a need of housing situation, is that you have access to what social and council properties are available and for how much they are going for.
All this makes me ill.
A government who forces me out to work during a recession, when I have a job already. I'm a childminder, though paid less. Oh, doesn't my child count?
Is motherhood not valued anymore?
Is it a 'non job'?
Is that why lone parents aren't given social housing anymore, because they don't "work"?
This government has put me on ESA, with its damning policies and legislations.
Everytime I get better I get knocked down.
A nation of knocked down people.
I'm no different to a criminal forced to do community service - voluntary work by another name - internships - we won't pay you - and we'll take away the childcare so you have nowhere to outsource your primary occupation - ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa.
I love writing this shit.
I could keep writing it, keep writing it if it makes ONE PERSON THINK
I've got to stop thinking though. That's what's got me into my mess, well, according to Louise Hay, according to me.
Angry, pissed off, hurting, hurting hurting hurting
A nation of angry, pissed off, hurting people.
A generation of children living with angry, pissed off, hurting people, bounced from one home to another, overcrowded, cold, in debt.
I wanted to give you a happy ending. Oh! I can't!
"By the time people wake up, the damage will have been done," the Ed said to me.
Yeah...
Read all about it! Read all about it!!
I have to rest now, think of my son.
My son, my sun, my son
I'm blessed, that's the problem isn't it Prime Minister?
Showing posts with label JSA Notebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label JSA Notebook. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Blogging in Two Directions
Instinctively I know that my writing will go in two directions before the end of week when Stiggers and I will take a break.
One is SEX (Oh stigs, love, love baby, let's stay and talk about that, explore that...we've never done that, not really, not positively, hopefully, beautifully, naturally, our confidence only just beginning, so fragile..)
The other is THE USUAL CRAP
I have to mention THE USUAL CRAP because if I am going to blame myself for what I am going through, I believe the cause is not SEX but THE USUAL CRAP.
THE USUAL CRAP is making us all ill and who can change things?
The Government
Who won't change things?
The Government
Who must therefore change things?
US
I will have to go and put Stiggers' words into action. All her words, be they SEX or THE USUAL CRAP, and do something positive with her/my knowledge.
Now I must go away and figure how to post it. Which should I focus on first? Oh dilemmas...they are the making of one's life, no?
Thank you for listening and have a good day.
One is SEX (Oh stigs, love, love baby, let's stay and talk about that, explore that...we've never done that, not really, not positively, hopefully, beautifully, naturally, our confidence only just beginning, so fragile..)
The other is THE USUAL CRAP
I have to mention THE USUAL CRAP because if I am going to blame myself for what I am going through, I believe the cause is not SEX but THE USUAL CRAP.
THE USUAL CRAP is making us all ill and who can change things?
The Government
Who won't change things?
The Government
Who must therefore change things?
US
I will have to go and put Stiggers' words into action. All her words, be they SEX or THE USUAL CRAP, and do something positive with her/my knowledge.
Now I must go away and figure how to post it. Which should I focus on first? Oh dilemmas...they are the making of one's life, no?
Thank you for listening and have a good day.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Abuses on the Lobby front line...Cheers Dave
The Prime Minister has done a very good job, hasn't he, of pitting the people of this country against one another.
"Divide and Rule!! Divide and Rule!!
There were about a dozen of us who turned up to lobby against the Governnment's Welfare Reform Bill yesterday. Not many, but the Single Mother's Self Defence group and the Global Women's Strike Group and Winvisible, had big banners, and anyway, we were there, standing up for the rights of millions of people.
A man drives past in a van that says "Thrifty" on it. My first assumption is that he's a worker and probably doesn't earn much, then before I can think anything else, he's given us a one fingered salute.
I was so shocked, I walked forward with my own one fingered salute and shouted "Fuck you too!" That's not like me, to be honest, and this morning my anger became clear.
Yes, we were only 12, but one woman in a wheelchair, one woman with a baby in a pram, one young black girl, one young white girl who was also there on Monday and might be one of the organisers, one married mother with a daughter my son's age, one male pensioner, one priest. A pretty wholesome demographic of people. How dare Mr Thrifty stick his finger up at them when they are standing there for his benefit too.
"7 out of 8 housing benefit claimants are in work" shouts one banner.
Anyway, not long after Mr Thrifty's gone, two wealthy looking gentleman walk by and one, the older, balding one, comes up to me and says, in his cut glass accent with venom in it's delivery:
"You should all get a job!"
"Do you have a job?" I ask politely.
"Yes, I've worked all my life. Many years ago I went to Canada when it was freezing cold..."
"Well I'm glad you haven't been made redundant," I interrupt him.
"Wwwwhat?"
"I said I'm glad you haven't been made redundant and are competiting with hundreds of other people for one job."
Bluster bluster then: "I met an Indian lady with two children living in Hampstead! Hampstead! It's disgraceful, these people living in places...."
"Well if there was more social housing, perhaps it wouldn't be such a big problem now would it?" I feel the anger bubbling beneath my surface.
"Where are the father's? Where are the fathers? I have lots of children and I look after them all, where are they!"
After quoting Michael Gove saying pregnancy is a male problem, "a male problem, a MALE PROBLEM Mr Gove the Tory said," I said:
"And how many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"
He stepped back and smirked, shocked then gaffawed, and I was about to sneer "hypocrite" when the pensioner intervened, saying money shouldn't be taken from the needy but taken away from fuelling wars such as in Afghanistan... and they were off..shouting, I couldn't kkep up...The Jews, more protestants that catholics leaving Ireland back during the potato famine... I could'n't keep up, I don't know enough.
The row was broken up and the odious blue-eyed baldy smiled at me skulking off to rejoin his friend who, as I eyeballed the Fascist, didn't look quite so odious, had not come up to us and joined in, kept his distance and so well he might, if he too had nothing good to say)
Some members of the group came up to me afterwards and asked me if I was alright, which was really kind, because you don't really expect that, when the level of abuse you've just received, is what you receive all the time if you read right wing papers. So nothing out of the ordinary really; I shouldn't have been so shocked myself.
I know I shouldn't be at the lobby. I know that I am the Great British Problem. I know that I am universally hated by greater numbers of British society today than ever before (Thanks Dave).
I'm a single mother. I'm 'unemployed' I 'live in a flat hardworking people can't afford' and what none of my fellow lobbyists know, am in reciept of a sickness benefit, so 'disabled' (I do not see myself as disabled but depression is a disease and it's no higher payment than income support, where I could hide my 'disease')
Perhaps for all these reasons it's my duty to be there, so I can stand on behalf of all the men, women and children who cannot be there.
Hit me baby ONE MORE TIME?
I will defend myself
I will defend you
Our first duty is to ourselves.
Without ourselves what hope for our children?
"Divide and Rule!! Divide and Rule!!
There were about a dozen of us who turned up to lobby against the Governnment's Welfare Reform Bill yesterday. Not many, but the Single Mother's Self Defence group and the Global Women's Strike Group and Winvisible, had big banners, and anyway, we were there, standing up for the rights of millions of people.
A man drives past in a van that says "Thrifty" on it. My first assumption is that he's a worker and probably doesn't earn much, then before I can think anything else, he's given us a one fingered salute.
I was so shocked, I walked forward with my own one fingered salute and shouted "Fuck you too!" That's not like me, to be honest, and this morning my anger became clear.
Yes, we were only 12, but one woman in a wheelchair, one woman with a baby in a pram, one young black girl, one young white girl who was also there on Monday and might be one of the organisers, one married mother with a daughter my son's age, one male pensioner, one priest. A pretty wholesome demographic of people. How dare Mr Thrifty stick his finger up at them when they are standing there for his benefit too.
"7 out of 8 housing benefit claimants are in work" shouts one banner.
Anyway, not long after Mr Thrifty's gone, two wealthy looking gentleman walk by and one, the older, balding one, comes up to me and says, in his cut glass accent with venom in it's delivery:
"You should all get a job!"
"Do you have a job?" I ask politely.
"Yes, I've worked all my life. Many years ago I went to Canada when it was freezing cold..."
"Well I'm glad you haven't been made redundant," I interrupt him.
"Wwwwhat?"
"I said I'm glad you haven't been made redundant and are competiting with hundreds of other people for one job."
Bluster bluster then: "I met an Indian lady with two children living in Hampstead! Hampstead! It's disgraceful, these people living in places...."
"Well if there was more social housing, perhaps it wouldn't be such a big problem now would it?" I feel the anger bubbling beneath my surface.
"Where are the father's? Where are the fathers? I have lots of children and I look after them all, where are they!"
After quoting Michael Gove saying pregnancy is a male problem, "a male problem, a MALE PROBLEM Mr Gove the Tory said," I said:
"And how many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"
He stepped back and smirked, shocked then gaffawed, and I was about to sneer "hypocrite" when the pensioner intervened, saying money shouldn't be taken from the needy but taken away from fuelling wars such as in Afghanistan... and they were off..shouting, I couldn't kkep up...The Jews, more protestants that catholics leaving Ireland back during the potato famine... I could'n't keep up, I don't know enough.
The row was broken up and the odious blue-eyed baldy smiled at me skulking off to rejoin his friend who, as I eyeballed the Fascist, didn't look quite so odious, had not come up to us and joined in, kept his distance and so well he might, if he too had nothing good to say)
Some members of the group came up to me afterwards and asked me if I was alright, which was really kind, because you don't really expect that, when the level of abuse you've just received, is what you receive all the time if you read right wing papers. So nothing out of the ordinary really; I shouldn't have been so shocked myself.
I know I shouldn't be at the lobby. I know that I am the Great British Problem. I know that I am universally hated by greater numbers of British society today than ever before (Thanks Dave).
I'm a single mother. I'm 'unemployed' I 'live in a flat hardworking people can't afford' and what none of my fellow lobbyists know, am in reciept of a sickness benefit, so 'disabled' (I do not see myself as disabled but depression is a disease and it's no higher payment than income support, where I could hide my 'disease')
Perhaps for all these reasons it's my duty to be there, so I can stand on behalf of all the men, women and children who cannot be there.
Hit me baby ONE MORE TIME?
I will defend myself
I will defend you
Our first duty is to ourselves.
Without ourselves what hope for our children?
Monday, 23 January 2012
In which direction do I go?
Blogging is reflecting my life.
I want to concentrate on healing myself but then go off and read stuff about housing and feel myself get so angry (Clegg saying this weekend he supports the benefits cap.. I take it personally, he met me, he took my details, he said he would help but I can't see how kicking me and other parents, disabled, elderly, in the teeth is helping
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16671210)
I want to concentrate on healing myself and blog about that. Thousands of other people feel like shit about all kinds of thing, maybe something I might say might make them feel better. Oh I don't know...
I'm obsessed with housing though. I can't help reading about it now there's so much coverage in the press with all these reform bills going through. As you know though, I find it depressing. It hurts. I feel I'm being attacked and I am, benefit recipients are being hit really hard, those in work and those not.
On Sunday, yesterday, I woke up so, so...I don't know, stuck.
I've got angel cards on my bedside table so picked them up and shuffled them. "What can I do? What can I do?
The card I picked was Angel Gabriel, telling me he was with me and to follow the signs.
Signs? What signs?
I continue to blog by instinct then?
I give blogging a rest?
I blog about love?
I blog about housing?
I blog about benefits as a form of defence for others on benefits?
I blog about positive things ONLY
but then where do I put the outside things that drag me down?
At the time the sign was to get out of bed, and given how I feel, that's a mighty good start.
For anyone, not just me.
I want to concentrate on healing myself but then go off and read stuff about housing and feel myself get so angry (Clegg saying this weekend he supports the benefits cap.. I take it personally, he met me, he took my details, he said he would help but I can't see how kicking me and other parents, disabled, elderly, in the teeth is helping
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-16671210)
I want to concentrate on healing myself and blog about that. Thousands of other people feel like shit about all kinds of thing, maybe something I might say might make them feel better. Oh I don't know...
I'm obsessed with housing though. I can't help reading about it now there's so much coverage in the press with all these reform bills going through. As you know though, I find it depressing. It hurts. I feel I'm being attacked and I am, benefit recipients are being hit really hard, those in work and those not.
On Sunday, yesterday, I woke up so, so...I don't know, stuck.
I've got angel cards on my bedside table so picked them up and shuffled them. "What can I do? What can I do?
The card I picked was Angel Gabriel, telling me he was with me and to follow the signs.
Signs? What signs?
I continue to blog by instinct then?
I give blogging a rest?
I blog about love?
I blog about housing?
I blog about benefits as a form of defence for others on benefits?
I blog about positive things ONLY
but then where do I put the outside things that drag me down?
At the time the sign was to get out of bed, and given how I feel, that's a mighty good start.
For anyone, not just me.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
No rest for the loopy
It's just an observation, that's all.
I had my mental breakdown thing when, November?
Less than a month later I received a questionnaire asking me to state why I wasn't fit for work.
Aaaargh, let me sort my head out please...
Then letters from Department of work and pensions saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another,' and not being able to get an appointment in time then getting a sick note for two weeks then getting another letter saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another one or your benefits will be affected..'
and you want to say 'go away go away go away'
"Send us another medical certificate (by the day after tomorrow) if you are still sick and cannot work."
I don't want to be sick ok. You are making me sick ok. Just leave me alone.
Then this morning Jobs in Mind phone to make an appointment and no, just go away
Then I read my emails and see a response from the House of Commons saying my job application has been unsuccessful and
actually that's quite funny
I applied to be a tour guide in the House of Commons
back when I was feeling so down about policy that comes out of that place
Me, showing your kids around, extolling the virtues and values of our political system
I find that quite funny
I do recall laughing when I showed my support worker the application form and being told I shouldn't write "Leader of the I Don't Know Party" under "Anything else you'd like to tell us"
Why not?!
Funniest job application I've ever filled in
Ha ha
ha ha ha
I can't go back on JSA, I can't
Politicians have the last laugh I know, oh and private enterprises who get the jobless for free
The perks were good with that job though
Part time, term time, paid...
Best go phone doc. I won't get the letter in time though...
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, let me sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I had my mental breakdown thing when, November?
Less than a month later I received a questionnaire asking me to state why I wasn't fit for work.
Aaaargh, let me sort my head out please...
Then letters from Department of work and pensions saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another,' and not being able to get an appointment in time then getting a sick note for two weeks then getting another letter saying 'your medical certificate is running out, get another one or your benefits will be affected..'
and you want to say 'go away go away go away'
"Send us another medical certificate (by the day after tomorrow) if you are still sick and cannot work."
I don't want to be sick ok. You are making me sick ok. Just leave me alone.
Then this morning Jobs in Mind phone to make an appointment and no, just go away
Then I read my emails and see a response from the House of Commons saying my job application has been unsuccessful and
actually that's quite funny
I applied to be a tour guide in the House of Commons
back when I was feeling so down about policy that comes out of that place
Me, showing your kids around, extolling the virtues and values of our political system
I find that quite funny
I do recall laughing when I showed my support worker the application form and being told I shouldn't write "Leader of the I Don't Know Party" under "Anything else you'd like to tell us"
Why not?!
Funniest job application I've ever filled in
Ha ha
ha ha ha
I can't go back on JSA, I can't
Politicians have the last laugh I know, oh and private enterprises who get the jobless for free
The perks were good with that job though
Part time, term time, paid...
Best go phone doc. I won't get the letter in time though...
Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, let me sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
You're havin' a laugh....
I got a call from the local newpaper late last week asking if I wanted to write an article on the area's nightlife.
"You're havin' a laugh aren't you?" I said to Ed. "I never go out! I'll rise to the challenge though! Thanks!"
I blagged my way into free comedy at the Oxford pub on Saturday. It was good, and I was glad that I wasn't there on my own, surrounded by couples and groups of friends; I was with my 'profession'. I was there as 'reviewer'.
The newspaper deadline was yesterday. My winter wipeout medical questionnaire deadline was yesterday too.
I am REALLY PISSED OFF with myself this morning.
It's fun writing about nightlife, writing for money. Let's enjoy the moment!
Oh bugger, I have to write why I can't do things on this questionnaire. I can at the moment. OH shit, let me think about housing, the job market, let me think myself into a depression. Oh, let me think myself out of it again...
Let me think what pubs you can get pissed in!
Let me think how sometimes I can't communicate.
Let me think what pubs you can watch theatre in!
Let me think how my behaviour upsets people.
I sent one article to the editor
I sent one questionnaire to a machine.
Why didn't I think I might get really depressed today and saved the questionnaire til now instead of puncturing positive thoughts with punitive ones yesterday?
Same reason that when a comedian asked how many parents there were in the room on Saturday night (just me) I didn't stick my hand up.
No, I don't know what that reason is.
You're havin' a laugh aren't you....
"You're havin' a laugh aren't you?" I said to Ed. "I never go out! I'll rise to the challenge though! Thanks!"
I blagged my way into free comedy at the Oxford pub on Saturday. It was good, and I was glad that I wasn't there on my own, surrounded by couples and groups of friends; I was with my 'profession'. I was there as 'reviewer'.
The newspaper deadline was yesterday. My winter wipeout medical questionnaire deadline was yesterday too.
I am REALLY PISSED OFF with myself this morning.
It's fun writing about nightlife, writing for money. Let's enjoy the moment!
Oh bugger, I have to write why I can't do things on this questionnaire. I can at the moment. OH shit, let me think about housing, the job market, let me think myself into a depression. Oh, let me think myself out of it again...
Let me think what pubs you can get pissed in!
Let me think how sometimes I can't communicate.
Let me think what pubs you can watch theatre in!
Let me think how my behaviour upsets people.
I sent one article to the editor
I sent one questionnaire to a machine.
Why didn't I think I might get really depressed today and saved the questionnaire til now instead of puncturing positive thoughts with punitive ones yesterday?
Same reason that when a comedian asked how many parents there were in the room on Saturday night (just me) I didn't stick my hand up.
No, I don't know what that reason is.
You're havin' a laugh aren't you....
Monday, 16 January 2012
Winter Wipeout
It's a telly programme I think. Caught some of it at the weekend. Constants have to get across this really difficult assault course and the winner is he or she who does it in the quickest time.
The atos questionnaire I have to fill in to ascertain how fit I am for work feels like the winter wipeout assault course. Anything you write, you think these people who have been commissioned by the government, will knock you straight back into the water. Only there's no swimming to safety with this government game. You have to climb back on to be knocked back down. Careful you don't drown now...
It's how it feels anyway.
Is that how you feel?
I'm exhausted
Wiped Out
"I'm so tired of this shit," I want to write on my form.
Don't give a shit, they'll say.
I'll let you know how they rubber stamp me, bash me, kick me, thrash me.
Just need to get to the end of the form then sign and send it off.
Joy
The atos questionnaire I have to fill in to ascertain how fit I am for work feels like the winter wipeout assault course. Anything you write, you think these people who have been commissioned by the government, will knock you straight back into the water. Only there's no swimming to safety with this government game. You have to climb back on to be knocked back down. Careful you don't drown now...
It's how it feels anyway.
Is that how you feel?
I'm exhausted
Wiped Out
"I'm so tired of this shit," I want to write on my form.
Don't give a shit, they'll say.
I'll let you know how they rubber stamp me, bash me, kick me, thrash me.
Just need to get to the end of the form then sign and send it off.
Joy
Friday, 13 January 2012
Go Write!!!
At my son's school this morning, a literacy workshop for parents and children: "Go, Write!"
Really interesting, informative, great. How they encourage these kids to build their vocabulary and write creative sentences, exemplary.
I get home and there's the ASOS people telling me I haven't sent back the questionnaire about my mental health and my benefits may be affected if I don't return it by next Friday. Go WRITE...
I know you won't believe me but I can't do it.
Yes, yes, I know I've written about four posts this morning and I write articles and letters but I can't write what they are asking me to write.
They are asking me to write an essay describing my illness.
I can write "I feel suicidal" but they won't give a shit about that. Who gives a shit about that? Besides, that's not an essay, it's a sentence. "I had a mental breakdown, I need time to heal so it doesn't happen again" won't wash with them either.
My doctor told me to get Citizen's Advice to help me with it after her colleague told me I'd be found fit for work.
I'm actually ashamed to say I can't do it. Ashamed I can't write the essays. Ashamed to go to Citizen's Advice and say 'help me'.
There are about three essays to write, the thought of which is totally depressing.
Fuck.
I just thought I'd tell you because I am somebody who can read and write so imagine how hard again it must be for someone who can't.
"Go Write!" kids.
I hope you don't find yourself where I am when you grow up.
Really interesting, informative, great. How they encourage these kids to build their vocabulary and write creative sentences, exemplary.
I get home and there's the ASOS people telling me I haven't sent back the questionnaire about my mental health and my benefits may be affected if I don't return it by next Friday. Go WRITE...
I know you won't believe me but I can't do it.
Yes, yes, I know I've written about four posts this morning and I write articles and letters but I can't write what they are asking me to write.
They are asking me to write an essay describing my illness.
I can write "I feel suicidal" but they won't give a shit about that. Who gives a shit about that? Besides, that's not an essay, it's a sentence. "I had a mental breakdown, I need time to heal so it doesn't happen again" won't wash with them either.
My doctor told me to get Citizen's Advice to help me with it after her colleague told me I'd be found fit for work.
I'm actually ashamed to say I can't do it. Ashamed I can't write the essays. Ashamed to go to Citizen's Advice and say 'help me'.
There are about three essays to write, the thought of which is totally depressing.
Fuck.
I just thought I'd tell you because I am somebody who can read and write so imagine how hard again it must be for someone who can't.
"Go Write!" kids.
I hope you don't find yourself where I am when you grow up.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Jobs in Mind...
It wasn't the mental health charity Mind I had an appointment with yesterday, it was another charity called Jobs in Mind.
My interview ran over which I won't go into here apart from suffice to say, this self elected leader of the I Don't Know party kept saying "I don't know if I want to work, yes I do want to work, no I don't want to work, I do want to do a job that I love that suits my life, I don't want to be forced into looking..."
This charity, I was able to see objectively after about 15 minutes, is amazing actually. They support you back into work. They help with your cv, they help with application forms, they can do mock interviews with you.
For the long term unemployed (and it doesn't take six months to get depressed about it really, so imagine what it's done to me) something like this is a godsend because jobseeking for so many, is soooooooo depressing. To have someone support you without pressurising you into anything, well, I imagine you might pick up some self worth on the way but also have someone who understands your anger and frustration when it's another job you haven't got, another company you haven't heard from.
Sounds great don't you think?
One problem.
In order to access this service you have to have a mental health problem.
In order to access this service you have to be referred by a support worker or social worker.
Apart of me was depressed to even be there.
"I don't want to be like them," I said to the woman.
"Like who?" she answered.
"Like all those depressed people, all those people who can't see a way out, all those people who just feel hopeless about their lives, all those people, well, that feel like I do."
Lucky.
I am lucky.
I am really lucky. 2.7 million unemployed people do not have access to this service although the charity would love to extend its service to 2.7 million people. Funding though ey....
She said she'd be in touch in a couple of days then must have seen my eyebrows shoot up or something because then she said "A couple of weeks" and I breathed closing my eyes.
In an ideal world, I would go from ESA straight into a job. Not from ESA to JSA back to the Big Black Hole which is what I'm frightened will happen now.
Well done Spartacus Report people for getting the Lords to triple defeat the government on timelimiting ESA and benefit rights for disabled people. People I know are very much worse off than me.
Typical this know nothing clueless care-less Government are vowing to overturn it:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/12/welfare-reform-government-reverse-defeat
No idea, none that there is a ton of blood not to mention increasing mental illness attributable to them and their ideological tearing apart of the fabric of our society.
Rising crime is the only way you'll know our country's sinking if politically you stand to the Right. Will those papers report the rest?
I hope so.
My interview ran over which I won't go into here apart from suffice to say, this self elected leader of the I Don't Know party kept saying "I don't know if I want to work, yes I do want to work, no I don't want to work, I do want to do a job that I love that suits my life, I don't want to be forced into looking..."
This charity, I was able to see objectively after about 15 minutes, is amazing actually. They support you back into work. They help with your cv, they help with application forms, they can do mock interviews with you.
For the long term unemployed (and it doesn't take six months to get depressed about it really, so imagine what it's done to me) something like this is a godsend because jobseeking for so many, is soooooooo depressing. To have someone support you without pressurising you into anything, well, I imagine you might pick up some self worth on the way but also have someone who understands your anger and frustration when it's another job you haven't got, another company you haven't heard from.
Sounds great don't you think?
One problem.
In order to access this service you have to have a mental health problem.
In order to access this service you have to be referred by a support worker or social worker.
Apart of me was depressed to even be there.
"I don't want to be like them," I said to the woman.
"Like who?" she answered.
"Like all those depressed people, all those people who can't see a way out, all those people who just feel hopeless about their lives, all those people, well, that feel like I do."
Lucky.
I am lucky.
I am really lucky. 2.7 million unemployed people do not have access to this service although the charity would love to extend its service to 2.7 million people. Funding though ey....
She said she'd be in touch in a couple of days then must have seen my eyebrows shoot up or something because then she said "A couple of weeks" and I breathed closing my eyes.
In an ideal world, I would go from ESA straight into a job. Not from ESA to JSA back to the Big Black Hole which is what I'm frightened will happen now.
Well done Spartacus Report people for getting the Lords to triple defeat the government on timelimiting ESA and benefit rights for disabled people. People I know are very much worse off than me.
Typical this know nothing clueless care-less Government are vowing to overturn it:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/12/welfare-reform-government-reverse-defeat
No idea, none that there is a ton of blood not to mention increasing mental illness attributable to them and their ideological tearing apart of the fabric of our society.
Rising crime is the only way you'll know our country's sinking if politically you stand to the Right. Will those papers report the rest?
I hope so.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Too depressed to write today
It's too much. Too much too much too much
I shouldn't read, even good articles like George Monbiot's Making Democracy Safe for Business:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jan/09/bankers-protesters-squatters-cameron
or one's delivering avoidable news like this one:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2012/01/10/child-poverty-gap-widening-between-tory-areas-and-the-inner-cities-115875-23692250/
or the articulation that the attack is on all sides and only the Lords can save us: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/10/welfare-reform-lords-blows-poor-disabled?CMP=twt_gu
Then tomorrow Single Mother's Self Defence are protesting the welfare reform bill outside parliament. I want to go. I so want to go:
Women are coming to us very distressed about the Welfare Reform Bill and how it will affect them. They are terrified by total insecurity -- from the cuts to housing benefit and the benefit cap, to impossible jobseeking, work and childcare conditions, under the threat of sanctions applied to unwaged and low earner alike. They fear their benefits will be cut off and they and their families will be forced into unbearably overcrowded homes, or they will be made homeless, destitute and even end up on the street.
I shouldn't read, even good articles like George Monbiot's Making Democracy Safe for Business:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jan/09/bankers-protesters-squatters-cameron
or one's delivering avoidable news like this one:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2012/01/10/child-poverty-gap-widening-between-tory-areas-and-the-inner-cities-115875-23692250/
or the articulation that the attack is on all sides and only the Lords can save us: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/10/welfare-reform-lords-blows-poor-disabled?CMP=twt_gu
Then tomorrow Single Mother's Self Defence are protesting the welfare reform bill outside parliament. I want to go. I so want to go:
Women are coming to us very distressed about the Welfare Reform Bill and how it will affect them. They are terrified by total insecurity -- from the cuts to housing benefit and the benefit cap, to impossible jobseeking, work and childcare conditions, under the threat of sanctions applied to unwaged and low earner alike. They fear their benefits will be cut off and they and their families will be forced into unbearably overcrowded homes, or they will be made homeless, destitute and even end up on the street.
Women, who have the first responsibility for families and are often keeping an eye on elderly neighbours and other vulnerable people in our communities, are already exhausted and overworked. They feel desperate. Living costs are soaring and they can’t afford to put the heating on. Food banks have become a reality for many women who have recently lost their jobs. Vital local services are disappearing – afterschool clubs, homecare, day centres – at the same time as they will be forced away from loved ones by compulsory back-to-work schemes, and the housing benefit and overall benefit caps. The Bill will have life-threatening consequences, many more than hit the headlines.
I wanted to go, be with people like me, feel some strength through empathy and understanding.
I can't go though.
I have an appointment with Mind.
It was made for me, to help me fill in job application forms, I didn't make it myself.
I've a mind not to go. I'm sure they help lots of people, infact they do.
Pressure.
I want to curl up and pretend I'm a billionaire and that all human's have bad days and hey, look on the bright side, Cameron's going to scrap my 50p tax rate and make me richer.
Maybe I should blog about other things
Maybe I shouldn't blog at all
Desire
There is a flame that burns within me after all
Don't tell me what I can and cannot do.
What I should and should not do.
Leave me alone
Friday, 6 January 2012
I want to kill myself
The very fact that I am quite open about the desire to kill myself means that I will never do it.
I am open about it on this blog so you may understand the mindsets of people who aren't open about it, who never mention it, but of course, just one day do it.
I could have told the doctor this morning I wanted to kill myself but she would have ignored it as it's on record that I've said I want to but will never do it. (ha ha ha the sardonic chuckle)
The welfare system now, as it's been "reformed", does not manage people's problems as it did in the past, but just makes them worse.
(I've pinched that line from Public Enemies, the bbc drama about a probation officer and an ex offender who doesn't "comply" with his parole..says he was innocent of his crime..so put as 'high risk' and punished accordingly..ends tonight)
It makes me sad you know, the rise we will see in suicides. Crime is rising; muggings, burglaries, stabbings, that kind of thing.
A cheery thought though (for me admittedly). I read in this month's Soul and Spirit magazine an article by the Barefoot Doctor who said whether the world ends this year or not, we should live as though it is and make the most of it.
"So," he says. "if this really were your last year on Earth, what would you like to make happen that would truly fulfil you and make you feel as if you've had your money's worth this time around? Again, I'm not talking about external things, such as a car, house, relationship, baby, job, etc but, more importantly, the inner feelings that would make your entire system hum: a new resolve, discipline, enlightenment, self-confidence, creativity, passion, awareness and the enjoyment you wish to feel.......Remember, as the great writer Bernard Shaw once said, 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, so think about what you'd like more of, and go for it."
Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create...
I am open about it on this blog so you may understand the mindsets of people who aren't open about it, who never mention it, but of course, just one day do it.
I could have told the doctor this morning I wanted to kill myself but she would have ignored it as it's on record that I've said I want to but will never do it. (ha ha ha the sardonic chuckle)
The welfare system now, as it's been "reformed", does not manage people's problems as it did in the past, but just makes them worse.
(I've pinched that line from Public Enemies, the bbc drama about a probation officer and an ex offender who doesn't "comply" with his parole..says he was innocent of his crime..so put as 'high risk' and punished accordingly..ends tonight)
It makes me sad you know, the rise we will see in suicides. Crime is rising; muggings, burglaries, stabbings, that kind of thing.
A cheery thought though (for me admittedly). I read in this month's Soul and Spirit magazine an article by the Barefoot Doctor who said whether the world ends this year or not, we should live as though it is and make the most of it.
"So," he says. "if this really were your last year on Earth, what would you like to make happen that would truly fulfil you and make you feel as if you've had your money's worth this time around? Again, I'm not talking about external things, such as a car, house, relationship, baby, job, etc but, more importantly, the inner feelings that would make your entire system hum: a new resolve, discipline, enlightenment, self-confidence, creativity, passion, awareness and the enjoyment you wish to feel.......Remember, as the great writer Bernard Shaw once said, 'life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself, so think about what you'd like more of, and go for it."
Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create yourself don't kill yourself Create...
"You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
There are many tentacles to this crushing, suffocating system I'm trapped in and call me weak but I often feel crushed and suffocated by it.
Take the letter I got yesterday saying I needed to send a new medical certificate by Monday or my payments would be stopped.
My doctor's appointment wasn't until Tuesday. I couldn't get an earlier one when I booked a month ago. So I had to make an emergency one and 'luckily' some other doctor had a cancellation this morning.
Doctors too, especially now since the government has clamped down on sickos, are a tentacle to this crushing, suffocating system.
This one had never met me, just read a few notes on the computer, clearly thought I "looked" fine and said: "You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
Oh I wanted to hit her. Not her..the System. RRRARGH. "I know," I said. "I've got a questionaire to fill in which I can't bring myself to do at the moment."
The questionnaire is twenty pages long...
No I don't have a community psychiatric nurse
No, I'm not waiting for chemotherapy
Yes I can move 50 metres before I have to stop
Yes, I can move 200 metres too...school run is further than that you know..
I can go up and down two steps
I can move from one seat to another without help
I can sit in one place for an hour without help (though who can stand, really, apart from the Queen's Guards?)
I can pick up a 2 pint carton of milk
And the number of times we've been evicted, yes, an empty cardboard box
(I must take a break here and mention that I am aware of how lucky I am, much luckier than someone who can go up two ateps but not five and much luckier than someone waiting for any kind of hospital appointment)
But hang on, I'm a mental case not a physical one
Can I start and finish daily tasks?
There are coping with change questions, going out questions, coping with social situation questions.
In the multiple choice of answers of whether I can do any of them there is "No" "Yes" and "It varies" then write an essay on why my behaviour upsets people and how often.
You know what?
How can a single mother say she is not "fit for work"
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be done for neglect and her child be taken into care.
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be sectioned under the mental health act and her child will be taken into care.
Of course I'm fucking fit for fucking work
I'm just not fit for the kind of fucking work you want me to do right now ok.
Just because you tell me I am fit doesn't mean I am. LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's a patronising crushing suffocating system and I wish the doctor had just kept her mouth shut and told me to focus on getting better instead.
She's given me two weeks
Better than a kick in the teeth I guess
If only there was a way of not thinking of any of this shit
That's what gets people down
down
DOWN
Don't think about it
Breathe
again
Breathe
Take the letter I got yesterday saying I needed to send a new medical certificate by Monday or my payments would be stopped.
My doctor's appointment wasn't until Tuesday. I couldn't get an earlier one when I booked a month ago. So I had to make an emergency one and 'luckily' some other doctor had a cancellation this morning.
Doctors too, especially now since the government has clamped down on sickos, are a tentacle to this crushing, suffocating system.
This one had never met me, just read a few notes on the computer, clearly thought I "looked" fine and said: "You know you will be seen fit for work don't you?"
Oh I wanted to hit her. Not her..the System. RRRARGH. "I know," I said. "I've got a questionaire to fill in which I can't bring myself to do at the moment."
The questionnaire is twenty pages long...
No I don't have a community psychiatric nurse
No, I'm not waiting for chemotherapy
Yes I can move 50 metres before I have to stop
Yes, I can move 200 metres too...school run is further than that you know..
I can go up and down two steps
I can move from one seat to another without help
I can sit in one place for an hour without help (though who can stand, really, apart from the Queen's Guards?)
I can pick up a 2 pint carton of milk
And the number of times we've been evicted, yes, an empty cardboard box
(I must take a break here and mention that I am aware of how lucky I am, much luckier than someone who can go up two ateps but not five and much luckier than someone waiting for any kind of hospital appointment)
But hang on, I'm a mental case not a physical one
Can I start and finish daily tasks?
There are coping with change questions, going out questions, coping with social situation questions.
In the multiple choice of answers of whether I can do any of them there is "No" "Yes" and "It varies" then write an essay on why my behaviour upsets people and how often.
You know what?
How can a single mother say she is not "fit for work"
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be done for neglect and her child be taken into care.
She has to be "fit for work" or she'll be sectioned under the mental health act and her child will be taken into care.
Of course I'm fucking fit for fucking work
I'm just not fit for the kind of fucking work you want me to do right now ok.
Just because you tell me I am fit doesn't mean I am. LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's a patronising crushing suffocating system and I wish the doctor had just kept her mouth shut and told me to focus on getting better instead.
She's given me two weeks
Better than a kick in the teeth I guess
If only there was a way of not thinking of any of this shit
That's what gets people down
down
DOWN
Don't think about it
Breathe
again
Breathe
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
My son shows the Red Card
On my friend Annie's boyfriend's advice, my son drew a STOP sign on red paper which he was told to show the boys at school who were picking on him.
Good ey. Your child gets picked on or teased at school, doesn't need to say anything, just shows the Red Card (and eyeballs kid before walking away).
Wow, you could do it, take it to work. Boss being an arse? Show him or her your Red Card.
I need my son's card to day.
It's all the dark stuff... benefits...insecure expensive housing...no heating because the bills are already too high without it...guilt my son is cold at night..
voices...all voices...my voice...my voice...government policy...council policy...cause and effect...
STOP
Let Me Bring You Down Today - Song
Don't look at me
Every day is not wonderful
Suddenly so hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
I’m not beautiful no matter what you say
Words can bring me down
I’m not beautiful in any single way
Yes, words can bring me down, oh yes
So let me bring you down today
To all my friends I’m not delirious
Not consumed in all my doom
Tryin' hard to blog the emptiness, the peace is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?
'Cause you’re not beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down, oh yeah
You aren’t beautiful in any single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
Let me bring you down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of trashing mistakes)
(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will never shine)
The sun will never, never shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what I say
Yes, words will bring us down, oh yeah
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
So let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
(Christina Aguilera featuring Stigmum. This song's been on the radio alot recently so I'd just like to say, if you are a self hater, please befriend yourself, you need to know one person on your side oh and listen to the original)
Every day is not wonderful
Suddenly so hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
I’m not beautiful no matter what you say
Words can bring me down
I’m not beautiful in any single way
Yes, words can bring me down, oh yes
So let me bring you down today
To all my friends I’m not delirious
Not consumed in all my doom
Tryin' hard to blog the emptiness, the peace is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?
'Cause you’re not beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down, oh yeah
You aren’t beautiful in any single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
Let me bring you down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of trashing mistakes)
(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will never shine)
The sun will never, never shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what I say
Yes, words will bring us down, oh yeah
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
So let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
(Christina Aguilera featuring Stigmum. This song's been on the radio alot recently so I'd just like to say, if you are a self hater, please befriend yourself, you need to know one person on your side oh and listen to the original)
Suspending housing benefit when you get sick
I didn't actually want to be writing about housing right now. I wanted to write about 'spiritual emergencies' or 'mental breakdown' (in medical parlance) because it's well, more trippy but fuck. More shit comes through the post and stiggers is like "WRITE IT DOWN'
NO
YES
NO
A couple of weeks ago I signed over to Employment Support Allowance (there are retrospective posts about this in my Black Notebook.. like I said, it would have all come later this life on benefits stuff)
Yesterday, having just received a letter telling me I am £2000 in arrears from the housing association, I get a letter from the local council telling me my housing and council benefit has been suspended.
Dear Ms de Nim,
Notification of Suspension of Benefit
Suspension of Housing and Council Benefit
"The law allows me to suspend houisng benefit and council tax payments in certain circumstances (LIKE WHEN YOU'RE SICK). I am writing to tell you that I have suspended your rent payments from 21/11/2011 and your council tax payments from 28/11/2011 because your JSA (IB) has stopped."
Fuckers. Honestly. Fucking fuckers. Then they wonder why people top themselves or run riot and set places on fire.
I tell a stigmum mate who's actively seeking work this morning (and has a council flat) that I'm on ESA and housing benefit's been stopped and she says "What are you doing for money?"
and I'm like "Money's fucked..."
"Get a job!" she says. "Go back on jobseekers!"
Oh fucking fucking hell.
People don't understand.
People don't understand people with mental health problems because it can be so invisible (unless it's really fecking visible like the man on the bus the other day talking to himself)
People certainly don't understand me. Clear complexion, bright eyes, smile smile smile (or am I gurning?)
On closer inspection actally I don't have a clear complexion, or bright eyes. I just look flipping tired. The job application can wait..yes, yes, I have one in my bag...fat fucking chance I'll get a job I love though....
Anyway, this post is just so you know that if you sign off signing on because you're unwell, they'll suspend your benefits. Woo hoo!
The exclamation mark's a joke
NO
YES
NO
A couple of weeks ago I signed over to Employment Support Allowance (there are retrospective posts about this in my Black Notebook.. like I said, it would have all come later this life on benefits stuff)
Yesterday, having just received a letter telling me I am £2000 in arrears from the housing association, I get a letter from the local council telling me my housing and council benefit has been suspended.
Dear Ms de Nim,
Notification of Suspension of Benefit
Suspension of Housing and Council Benefit
"The law allows me to suspend houisng benefit and council tax payments in certain circumstances (LIKE WHEN YOU'RE SICK). I am writing to tell you that I have suspended your rent payments from 21/11/2011 and your council tax payments from 28/11/2011 because your JSA (IB) has stopped."
Fuckers. Honestly. Fucking fuckers. Then they wonder why people top themselves or run riot and set places on fire.
I tell a stigmum mate who's actively seeking work this morning (and has a council flat) that I'm on ESA and housing benefit's been stopped and she says "What are you doing for money?"
and I'm like "Money's fucked..."
"Get a job!" she says. "Go back on jobseekers!"
Oh fucking fucking hell.
People don't understand.
People don't understand people with mental health problems because it can be so invisible (unless it's really fecking visible like the man on the bus the other day talking to himself)
People certainly don't understand me. Clear complexion, bright eyes, smile smile smile (or am I gurning?)
On closer inspection actally I don't have a clear complexion, or bright eyes. I just look flipping tired. The job application can wait..yes, yes, I have one in my bag...fat fucking chance I'll get a job I love though....
Anyway, this post is just so you know that if you sign off signing on because you're unwell, they'll suspend your benefits. Woo hoo!
The exclamation mark's a joke
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Taking It Easy - Poetry?
Not been writing pad nor blog
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
Taking breaks from Life
I've swooped into Blogland to let you know I shall probably start writing again next week, and it will probably be retrospective stuff written over the past two that I've not been on here.
I'm in a funny space. Funny strange and funny haha and funny cos it's not funny at all. One of those spaces! You know it?!
I took myself to the doctor and said I was fine apart from the headaches and I was generally ok, ya know. Told her I'd been to a psychic healer and was reading about God.
Well...bless her, she said I was very depressed and needed something more 'concrete'. I sniggered because God is a pretty concrete concept to me at the moment (that's what reading does to you...)
But, you know, my Life. Nothing much to snigger about there for millions of us. The Chancellors shoved his austerity cloak/blanket/shroud on women and children (I read in the Mirror yesterday) and my housing associatiion is saying I'm now £2067 in arrears and the job centre has sent me a P45 form. I've just signed off sick, not signing on for paid employment.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
So, there is the space I am in. What I do not understand I push to the side so I don't have to deal with it and then turn my attention to Light and Love and the Universe and God and my Son and Christmas being the Season of Goodwill.
I know though, as you must know, that things that you push to the side, things that you ignore have a habit of coming back to you and slapping you in the face so hard your head spins.
That's the space I am in. My head is spinning.
It's not bad actually. Actually it's better than I've ever felt before. Woooo! What a trip! Just don't talk to me about reality!!
"You need something more concrete" says the doc.
Tell that to the Government...
Well, until the next time my friends!!!
In the meantime take a look at Conversations with God Book 3. How a purposeful successful Matriachy became a Patriachy and all you might want to know about the After Life. It's good, it's really good. It's very comforting too!
I'm in a funny space. Funny strange and funny haha and funny cos it's not funny at all. One of those spaces! You know it?!
I took myself to the doctor and said I was fine apart from the headaches and I was generally ok, ya know. Told her I'd been to a psychic healer and was reading about God.
Well...bless her, she said I was very depressed and needed something more 'concrete'. I sniggered because God is a pretty concrete concept to me at the moment (that's what reading does to you...)
But, you know, my Life. Nothing much to snigger about there for millions of us. The Chancellors shoved his austerity cloak/blanket/shroud on women and children (I read in the Mirror yesterday) and my housing associatiion is saying I'm now £2067 in arrears and the job centre has sent me a P45 form. I've just signed off sick, not signing on for paid employment.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
So, there is the space I am in. What I do not understand I push to the side so I don't have to deal with it and then turn my attention to Light and Love and the Universe and God and my Son and Christmas being the Season of Goodwill.
I know though, as you must know, that things that you push to the side, things that you ignore have a habit of coming back to you and slapping you in the face so hard your head spins.
That's the space I am in. My head is spinning.
It's not bad actually. Actually it's better than I've ever felt before. Woooo! What a trip! Just don't talk to me about reality!!
"You need something more concrete" says the doc.
Tell that to the Government...
Well, until the next time my friends!!!
In the meantime take a look at Conversations with God Book 3. How a purposeful successful Matriachy became a Patriachy and all you might want to know about the After Life. It's good, it's really good. It's very comforting too!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Dreams of bats in white porcelain bowls
Last night I was woken up by a flutter and vision of bats trying to fly out of one of my white porcelain bowls. I didn't let it freak me out. I'm going to the London School of Psychic Studies today. They will help me. (They have to help me) I'm really scared actually, so good job the doc has signed me off signing on, noting 'anxiety' as the cause.
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Alcohol and Spiritual emergencies
You don't need me to tell you they don't go well together.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)
I really want a cigarette
No I don't
I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start
God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:
"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)
The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.
That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)
God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).
I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!
I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.
I'm not, I'm just really spent
I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..
"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."
So I did that, and it was good.
Internal paralysis
Unable, unable, to do what the government requires of me.
The sheer hopelessness of bidding for a stable home
The sheer hopelessness of applying for jobs
I tell people not to give up
but I have
The man at the jobcentre said there aren't immediate sanctions if you don't fill in the notebook and you and I know, at the end of this road, even if you do fill in the form, if you don't find a job, there are only sanctions that await you.
Give up on your dreams
Give up
I don't know how to advise you if you feel like this.
You can sit down and listen to James or do what I've just done and make an appointment with your doctor.
Who knows if it'll help. You've given up haven't you. but with the little bit of hope that's in you, that little bit, that part of you which wants something better for itself, use it to make that call.
(Oh Stiggers, I used to be so funny)
The sheer hopelessness of bidding for a stable home
The sheer hopelessness of applying for jobs
I tell people not to give up
but I have
The man at the jobcentre said there aren't immediate sanctions if you don't fill in the notebook and you and I know, at the end of this road, even if you do fill in the form, if you don't find a job, there are only sanctions that await you.
Give up on your dreams
Give up
I don't know how to advise you if you feel like this.
You can sit down and listen to James or do what I've just done and make an appointment with your doctor.
Who knows if it'll help. You've given up haven't you. but with the little bit of hope that's in you, that little bit, that part of you which wants something better for itself, use it to make that call.
(Oh Stiggers, I used to be so funny)
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