Jump NHS queues!!

In my inbox the other day - Agreed for SUE DE NIM

Leapfrog the NHS Queues
Choose When, Where & Who Operates
Receive More Comfort & Convenience Drug Treatment

That's Right Private Medical Insurance for £20 a month!!! (My exclamation marks)

Scam of the fucking century isn't it?

I heard, from a reliable source, that with a medical insurance, if you go in for a heart problem,let's say, you can't use your insurance again if you get another heart problem.

Never mind that the average person cannot afford a medical insurance anyway. They're asked to get insurance for everything, dental insurance costs a bomb when you consider your treatment costs too.

It is the beginning of the end of the NHS, started by Labour, an ideological dream to be finished by the Conservatives.

No one should have to pay for care, especially with their lives. There should no queue jumping because you are lucky enough to be a millionaire, money left in trust for you, or perhaps like the Prime Minister, you married into it.

Doc said she'd schedule me for a scan - the pee results aren't back but the pain didn't go away when the antibiotic course finished, just getting worse actually...
Can they call today doc?
I don't want be rushed to A&E screaming in agony, because waiting times are longer for me, because I have no medical insurance, have only debt to pay for one with.


Do people have to wait to die because they cannot afford to live?
(I Don't Know Party Manifeato)

SAVE OUR NHS

(I post my problem under mental health because I don't want to start another label and I dunno, create a story I have no control over.)

FUNDING TO THE NHS NOT PRIVATE HEALTHCARE COMPANIES WHO USE NHS FACILITIES AND STAFF.

Sage - Means Wisdom and Teeth

As a birthday present I thought I'd ahem, treat, myself to a visit to the hygienist. It isn't free, it's fecking costly.

I went two weeks ago and for the princely sum of £50 (my birthday, I'm worth it..) I was told I had advanced gum disease. Had my dentist given me an injection to numb the gum? She could do a general clean but I'd have to come back for a deep clean.

One major cause of my gum disease was stress, the other, she said, was that I wasn't using my toothbrush properly. You've got to hold it at a 90 degree angle to your gum and brush in little circles, one tooth at a time, front, back and under. "Do you ever clean your back teeth?" she asked and suggested I get an electric toothbrush. I entered a competition for one of those a while back...

I was well pissed off with my dentist as I booked another appointment for today. I'd just seen him, he could see that I had gum disease. Why he couldn't write that in the note for the hygienist, get me prepped for a deep clean...

Another £50 today. Three shifts at the pub if I snatched cash in hand...

GO to your hygienist. Clean your gums. Do Not Be Afraid. I didn't have the injection today, I had a gel. It was uncomfortable but I kept repeating 'this is a clean, they are cleaning, cleaning, healing, cleaning' in my mind as I flexed my feet with each sensitive zing.

The documentary I watched of children in poverty, the parents barely had teeth in their mouths.

They don't clean our teeth as a matter of course anymore. "Is it too beneath the dentist to do that?" I asked the hygienist and she laughed. It's not funny though is it. Preventative care. Instead in we all go to get our teeth extracted because we can't afford to stop our gums bleeding.

SAGE - It's a medicinal mouthwash for gums. It's an effective medicinal mouthwash for gums.
Put a few leaves in some boiling water. Let it cool down, rinse your mouth with it. You can drink it as a tea too if you like. The problem is finding the leaves. Big Tesco's sell it but nowhere else I've been so far.

SAGE means Wise.

We need the wisdom to take of ourselves and what we have. It's not easy, I'm not going to pretend it is. Some people are great at taking care of themselves.

Brilliant. I want to be like you.

They've booked me another appointment for three months time. A wreck my gums but with implants £2000 a pop, I really can't afford to lose any more teeth.

Can you?

The Truth about Melody Browne - Review

The Truth about Melody Browne - Lisa Jewell (Free with Cosmopolitan which I've erm, yet to read but will!)

I'll tell you what I love about a free book. It can take you completely by surprise! I spied that Cosmopolitan were giving away one of two books this month. This which I am erm, reviewing and another - Can You Keep A Secret? by Sophie Kinsella.

Why I chose Lisa Jewell's book? I couldn't say; I couldn't read the bumph on the back on either of them. Truth or Secret? Maybe the sleeve with it's pastel colours spoke of something light and silly, maybe the other, it's dark purple, dark like my dark blue blog template; don't want dark - it might be light though.... Who knows why we choose what we do sometimes.

What a joy to discover Melody Browne was a single mother! What rapture to discover this wasn't run of the mill chick-literature. Sure, she meets a guy at the beginning but that's not the story. Oh! I didn't have to feel hopeless about my own love life!

It's a story about identity and what makes up our identity. It's about our subconcious - things that are so deeply hidden we have no idea about them until one day, memory, memories start coming back, and in this tale it's the night she goes on a first date with new bloke and passes out at a hypnotist show he takes her to.

I believe that some memories come back to you when you are ready to deal with them (because that happened to me, has that happened to you?) so I easily identified with Melody Browne, Melody Browne...?

It's a great book, strong pace going back to the past, a return to the present, dealing with heavy, painful issues with a deft and light touch. Jewell made me laugh, Jewell made me cry (Chapter 46 mostly, and then on...)

It's perfect post dental work literature if you're feeling quite down.
It's a perfect holiday read if you want to, well, feel! Feel interested, happy, hopeful..!

I may go and get Sophie Kinsella's out from the library to read while my son's with his dad but then again I might start reading Whatever You Love by Louise Doughty. I may not review it because it wasn't free (mind you £2.99 with The Times today) but it's an emotionally raw one this one I think - "Laura's nine-year old daughter Betty is killed in a hit-and-run incident" says the bumph on the back.

The Truth about Stigmum is well, blimey, I don't know... Best I just go with her flow!

My son at the Dentists

"Can I come into the room with you mummy?"
"Wait in the waiting room (my son), it won't take long,"
"I want to be with you mummy, I want to stay with you."
"OK, as you like but I don't think you'll enjoy it. It's up to you."

In the end he didn't want to sit in the room. He sat outside it on a step reading Flat Stanley and hugging the Big Chick he'd bought himself with the £6 his Uncle Dave gave him at the weekend for helping him with the tidying up as me and my Cuz put the world to rights over a bottle of wine in her garden.

As I lay on the dentist chair, I didn't have to imagine angels for I knew a little one was right here with me.

Take all you can in with you to a dentists appointment, but try leave behind fear.

My son my sun I thank you.

Tips when undergoing Tooth Extraction post Root Canal Failure

If you work, take the day off.

Two injections and you'll be so numb you won't feel a thing

so

Stay calm.

Close your eyes

When you hear a crack and the dentist say "I knew this would happen" stay calm.

If you taste your blood, stay calm

When he asks his assistant for the drill, stay calm

If you're not wearing ear plugs listening to heavy metal you may find the noise of your jaw being excavated for safe retrieval of bone somewhat disturbing.

Repeat: EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until it is all finished and your dentist tells you to "bite down" on a swab.

You'll be given a piece of paper telling you what to do in the event that excessive bleeding occurs. Continue to tell yourself that everything will be alright.

It will tell you to NOT drink Al Cohol for 24 hours and to avoid Nico Teen. The latter is hard, I never could in the past when my wisdom teeth were extracted so I cannot advise I'm afraid. I can think about it now without getting wound up and aggravated. Ah Nico Teen! See?!

The piece of paper tells you to "ideally rest by sitting in a chair". If it is a beautiful warm day and you are fortunate to have an outdoor space, hand your child some chalk and tell him or her to draw on the concrete tiles.

Accept what has happened.

You can always save your anger for another day or, I dunno, blog about it!

Build up your strength.

Be good to yourself

Read some Chick-lit (free in Cosmopolitan!)

Mags don't do Dude-lit do they?

Rinse your mouth out with salty water after every time you eat and keep taking the paracetamol if your jaw hurts two days later.

It's not joyous, have to say but when my son said that "Dentists are hell mummy," I said to him: "No darling, dentists are hellthy."

He knows the meaning of the word, no need to spell it out really

heh heh...

Pre Post Root Canal Tooth Extraction

You may feel devastated that following four root canal appointments, you are going to lose one of your biggest teeth - a fat front molar.

It is natural for your confidence to suffer a blow as you prepare for one of your body's natural defences to be removed.

It's ok to cry

If you can't cry just sit quietly
Cross your legs
breathe in and out.
The tears may come
Let them fall
They may fall and fall
from the depths of who you are come spilling out
You may think you are drowning
but you're not, you're already drowned
Now you are coming up for air.

Confronting the Playground Bully

(Extracted from notebook - Friday 8th April)

Kirsten the Twin
An angel most definitely
Angels surrounding me
Thank you Universe for sending (my son) friends as
I struggle with the fighting within my head.
Where are the mothers?
Oh God. Ugly, Ugly and C's mum
I stay put while (my son) runs off
I have to say something
Words jumble what - not clear headed today
I go over, they don't stand up

At this point my son ran over me to me in tears telling me that Ugly's son had bashed his head against the ground while Ugly watched and said nothing.

Half an hour earlier I had walked across the Heath playing field, told Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head that I'd come to talk to Ugly and would not be staying.

Did you get my email? I asked, calmly
No
You didn't?
No
OK, maybe you'll tell me why you went and told tales about my son to the teacher earning him a day's detention
I didn't do that
You didn't do that? You didn't tell some story about my son tipping over your son's chair?
I don't know what you're talking about, shoo, go away, back to where you came from.

I can look ugly people in the eye, though it pains me. I call my son. Eat your lies you Ugly woman.

She tracks back, I won't bore you with the details. She claims she deleted the email I sent her and the Head. "I sent it to [Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head] too." I say.

Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head sticks her hands up as though I am pointing a gun at her: "No, No, I'm not.. I don't want to get involve.."
"Oh don't worry," I say (I'm not going to shoot) "You.." and with my arms I sweep her over to Ugly and say "Fine".

I sent the email to you as Chair of the Governers, up to you what company you keep. The things you want to say, but don't, perhaps because your head is actually in your mouth, left lower jaw to be precise.

"I don't want you to say anthing about my son," I say to Ugly. Hang on, that's not what I rehearsed -
"I'll say whatever I like!" she retorts.
"Well that makes you a child abuser," I spit.
She reels. And so she should Ugly, Ugly bitch.

"You owe my son an apology. Apologise to my son."
"I'm sorry your mother made you listen to this,"
"No," I say to her, "You know what about."
I don't hear what she doesn't say.

I apologise to Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head telling her it's as I said, I don't want to sit with them, I want to be on my own this afternoon and go back to my patch of grass the other side of the field.

I see Gardening Mum arrive. Both Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head (I really must find another name for her) and Ugly stand up to talk to her. I find this funny.

Next I look up and they are all sitting together in a big group, my son still playing with his (best)friends and me apart until my son comes over saying he's thirsty and so I get up to go buy him water from the Shack.

This is where I met Kirsten, who bought a pack of six ice lollies for a pound and did I want one.
No, I said, but I know some kids who might!

This forces me to approach the big group. (Not much longer now, I'll finish in a minute)

Imagine you are there. Not one of the three Year 3 mothers, but one of the other ones, Reception perhaps or Year 1.

You see the Queen of Tarts going up to the mothers in her year. You hear her say hello to Gardening Mum. You watch her being snubbed. You see her standing there: "Hello Gardening." This mother is forced to turn round. She answers the Queen of Tarts questions about the Easter holidays in short sentences, doesn't return questions, just turns back to Ugly (the three had been talking to one another)

One of you say to the Queen of Tarts that you'll take the last Strawberry Split lolly after all. You both laugh, filling the kids with sugar! Last day of term an' all!

Meanwhile, Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head has stood up to go and watch the boys play football. Gardening Mum and Ugly resume whatever chat.

Is that why you and your friends all leave as the Queen of Tarts, resplendent in sloppy jeans and a pale blue Top Shop shirt steps round you in her heavy biker boots this hot afternoon to go and throw the ice lolly box in the bin ?(M&S don't you know! There isn't one in the vicinity! Believe me when I say Kirsten was an angel in human form)

Is that why you quietly grab your buggies and go? I'm sure I would feel discomforted by what I was witnessing too.

You might want to know that Gardening became more animated towards Queen of Tarts after that. Asked her plans for the holidays. Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head said something, I couldn't tell you what.

I walked back to a spot under an Oak tree, took out a book and a notebook, and began to write the poem (?) that my weeping son came and interrupted. He begged me to go and talk to Ugly again but I told him to leave it, go get his stuff by the goal posts and we'd go. I felt guilt the next day. Next time I'll defend him all the way and God willing I won't have been to the dentist that day like every single flipping time I've had a chance to say something to that Ugly Ugliness since her tale telling to the teacher.

Make of this post what you will. I didn't want to write it, some people aren't worth the time or effort, but Stiggers has told me to today, while my boy is at a Kung Fu workshop. Maybe there's a grown up playground bully in your child's school, who knows..

That night I was invited to a birthday party. Mary and Hannah. In my local pub, kids invited.

Not all middle class mothers are Twits, even fewer are Ugly Twits.

I can a be a twit, but with a small t - huge differences in definition, ey Dahl?

The park in Posh Street

(Extracted from notebook, earlier today)

In the park on Posh Street where we lived six years ago.

Where my son learnt to play football thanks to the boys who lived next door
Raced around the periphery path on his Red Tricycle, little legs round and round = zooom!

Sitting on the grass with me gobbling up a picnic!

Turning so he could kick my bottom when I swung him on the swing
Gales of laughter!
Other childrens' now..

Up and down the slide over and over "catch me mummy! Catch me!"
Making friends with the neighbours on the Street; little friends for him.

How I wished on that path, in that playground, on that grass, on this bench that we could come back here
Please World

I am back here, remembering
but who knows the future

"No wonder it took you so long to resolve your housing"

Master at Zen Boot Camp was pushing us all yesterday.

We were an odd number and Mistress La Francaise came up to me and said "Shall we be partners?" Oh yes!!

Mistress Psychic stared at the Master: "Do I have to go with you?" You're Fearless now Psychic!

I was relieved it wasn't me.

"Come on Fist of the Northern Star," said the Master as I struggled with the backwards kick.

I wanted to tell him my temporary filling had come out the night before and that I had a hole in my tooth which was distracting me but I thought NAH, don't say that, just do your best.

It was when we were punching and kicking the punch bags. I usually love this but I had no, I don't know, strength.

I thought the Master had called Time so I stopped and he looked at me and said (well shouted, big hall, far away) something "..wonder..long..resolve..housing."

My eyes pricked. My fists did not clench. Mistress Mountain told me later what he said because it was niggling me.

I found myself though and I punched holding those weights and I lifted that pole up to my shoulder with no help.

The other Mistresses helped me remember the defence techniques when we later reviewed all those.

FOCUS

FOCUS

"We worked on mental strength today," said the Master at the end. "I know we did alot of physical strength but I'm going to keep doing mental strength exercies with you because it's important."

I want to sink into my dark dark hole.

Next week, while the gum is healing and I feel the gap in my mouth, I will want to sink into my dark dark hole. I am frightened I will sink into my dark dark hole.

My son my sun my son I can't.

I want to say for my sake too but I don't feel it right now.

But you, if ever you feel yourself sinking into your dark dark hole

FOCUS

BREATHE

FOCUS

KEEP BREATHING

LET THE THOUGHTS PASS

Look after your teeth child

Look after your teeth child.

My mamma said that to me but I didn't listen

Did you?

Will I listen now?

Listen now

Look after your teeth
Look after your bones
Look after your skin
Look after your flesh
Look after your mind
Look after your soul
Look after your Self

Losing a tooth next Tuesday

My son's got to come with me while I get my tooth extracted next Tuesday because the Easter holidays start today.

Unless I can find childcare.

Take my child all day so I can sleep after?

No,he'll wait in the surgery waiting room unless he wants to come in with me.
No baby no..

I will have to be brave
I don't want to be brave
I want to cry

Will he take on board what's happening? That mummy didn't look after her teeth very well. One of them needs to be pulled out.

"The other's are all strong aren't they?" the receptionist asked me earlier when I voiced some fears about this being the beginning of the end, (I'm on the cusp of a decade change - not a good moment, or is it?)

"Yes I think so. I hope so."

I hope so

Look after your teeth child.

NHS vs Private Dentists

My molar is fractured.

After all that root canal work the tooth has to come out.

I didn't look after myself properly - things are falling apart.

"You must have bitten on something," said the dentist.

The tooth was so weak after all those appointments.

He tried to save it. He really did try to save it.

"A waste of my time," he was not happy today. A reward for a dentist completing root canal work is saving the tooth. "We could have done an extraction at the beginning. Many dentists won't do root canal work under the NHS."

Costly,
So Costly (the first dentist of my emergency appointment told me immediately the tooth would have to go. My dentist didn't, he told me it could be saved)

In our mini tussle of who's been more hurt by this event, he acquiesed that I "bore the brunt of it". I'm sorry dentist that my root canal was a waste of your time, I truly am, but I've lost a tooth now. There'll a big fuck off gap where a molar's meant to be.

How much is a restoration? How much is a white one? On so many symbolic levels I want a white one for this. Pretend that my tooth is still there so I don't get afraid of losing the others. I judge myself so harshly too. Years of being judged by others, isn't it time I let it go? Let myself go?

If I go privately (installments?) and have a white restoration, my dentist will do the work.

So redundant the question I asked myself as I tearfully left the surgery:

If I'd gone private, would this have happened?

There you have the answer.

Pirate of all Seas

In a few hours I shall return home a Pirate of Two Seas!

Not simply the Pirate of One!

It is the last dentist appointment regarding my root canalled molar.

They are putting half a crown on it.

Sadly, because I don't have Half a Crown in the financial sense, it shall be Gold.

Funny isn't it? The aesthetically pleasing White porceline crown costs in the region of £300 when Gold is better and more long lasting (bling!)

I must not lament that I shall never advertise toothpaste. I must be grateful only that NHS dentistry still exists in London, by the skin of its teeth (ha ha) for sure, but nonetheless, our children's teeth don't need to rot as happens in other parts of the country.

I shall come back to charter the choppy waters of Blogspot, sail out of my cave towards other islands to see who lives there, and of course, occasionally, anchor off with my face towards the light of the sky

(not forgetting sun protection factor - one may have yellow stained gnashers as befits a pirate but one can still look after themselves, no?!)

NHS dentistry "no funding left"

A guy walked into the dentist's surgery yesterday saying he needed an emergency appointment, there was a "massive hole" in his mouth (what I overheard).

The receptionist took his details and then he said he was on income support.

"There's no funding left I'm afraid," she said. "If you come back in April, we'll have the new budget."

Aside from the fact I am very lucky to have had my excruciating jaw ache/tooth problem just in the nic of time, funding is a question I asked my dentist a couple of weeks ago while I was waiting for the anaesthetic to take hold.

By March, he said, the little they are given has gone, so they have to tell people to come back, which he doesn't like doing. London is ok, he told me. In other parts of the country, where there might be only two surgeries in the town, there might not be any NHS work done at all because it simply isn't cost effective. People are resorting to pulling out their own teeth because they simply cannot afford the treatment.

I am not cost-effective. Had I been paying for the treatment I'm sure it would have been me who was getting frustrated, not my dentist. It's fair to say, I'm not their favourite customer although we get on and even laugh about stuff a little (like the footballer who bought the dental nurse's friend a £17,000 bottle of champagne in a club because it turned out they shared the same birthday. "I'd have asked for the money!" said my dentist. "Yeah, me too. Or just a white tooth and maybe £50 for a hygienist!" Oh ha ha ha!)

Yesterday I went to sit in the waiting room while the two injections took effect. I'd asked for this the last time thinking maybe I'm just a slow coach. I am a slow coach. Dentist said "Normally it takes people between 3 and 5 minutes to be numb," he said after I returned 15 minutes later saying it's "quite" numb. "I'm not normal then?" My eyes were pleading, they really were.

He thinks the root canal is over. I go back in two weeks. I still have to be careful eating on the left side. It's throbbing a little this morning, I thought the root was dead but erm, best not think about that...

My mini worry though is he says a filling might be enough to reconstruct this fragile tooth of mine. Fillings are cheap (metal ones, not white ones)

My filling broke the tooth next to it, twice, which is why it is now clad in gold.

It would be more "cost effective" to give me a crown, or something similar. I can wait until April...

Things are not going to get better. Politicians are not financially poor enough to know what life is like for ordinary people.

Politicians (and footballers) do not have to resort to pulling out their own teeth. They do not know what it is to drown in this Free Market; they can pay to go private without thinking about it at all.

We are all millionaires

In the great scheme of things, in the wider picture so huge it spans further than the eye can see

We are all millionaires
You are a millionaire

Repeat after me

I am a millionaire
I am a millionaire
I AM A MILLIONAIRE!!!!!!

Now still your mind.

Double Whammy Days

Today is a double whammy day.

Social workers are descending on my son's school for a "Child in Need" meeting.
I have mentally, emotionally prepared myself for this by putting on some make-up. Well, it is armour of sorts isn't it....

Following this I have Root Canal Visit number 4 at the dentist.
Last Friday's appointment was cancelled because an "emergency" arrived just before I did.

In her book "A diamond in your pocket", Gangaji says we must stop thinking. We must still our minds.

Good idea.

Brilliant idea.

(I wish I was a millionaire)

8.9 earthquake off coast of Japan

Google, as I was about to find David Soul's Don't give up on me (Stigmum), alerted me, you, everyone, of a tsunami alert for 'New Zealand, the Philippines, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii, and others'. An earthquake has hit off the North East coast of Japan at a magnitude of 8.9. Early reports of widespread damage and deaths

Shit

New Zealand's recent earthquake

Shit

Libya

Shit

Poverty in Africa

War, Civil, all sorts

You have just been saved a post about how depressing my visits to the dentist are becoming.

Google has told me to put things into perspective.

My thoughts go out to everyone, everywhere.

Misery blogs - A song

It's my blog, and I will moan if I want to
moan if I want to, moan if I want to
You might moan too if shit happened to you

Nobody knows where my humour has gone
My smile it left the same time
I know I’m feeling so glum
So come to blogspot to whi i ine?

It's my blog, and I will moan if I want to
moan if I want to, moan if I want to
You might moan too if shit happened to you

Writing my records, keep thinking all night
Won’t leave me alone for a while
Folk you can tune out from me,
I give no reason to smi i ile

It's my blog, and I will moan if I want to
moan if I want to, moan if I want to
You might moan too if shit happened to you

Me and myself we just write through our thoughts
Who knows who feels the same way
Out than in is better they say
To keep the blues at ba a ay

It's my blog, and I will moan if I want to
moan if I want to, moan if I want to
You can moan too if shit happens to you

It’s my blog and I’ll moan if I want to
Moan if I want to yeah moan moan moan moan
You can moan too if it makes you feeeeeel
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
better

(Lesley Gore featuring Stigmum)

It's my blog, I'll moan if I want to

My confidence, which is no great shakes usually I must admit, has hit the floor.
Geez, why is it so easy? Why can the slightest thing knock you down?
I finished voluteering at the school today. A nest appeared in the playground on Monday morning and the kids have been writing about it, developments that have happened. Great kids, the experience has been fun! Yes fun! FUN!

Only I haven't been. Fun. Shit help in the classroom for the teacher I imagine. I'm quiet where-as I wish I were louder and more congratulatory on the kids' work. Oh I don't know. I couldn't be a school teacher though. This form teacher is brilliant, very natural and fair in her firmness to the cheekier ones or twos!

Oh it's the flipping dentist really isn't it? I know I bang on about it but I really had no idea when I started posting about it that not only would it take so flipping long, but I would flipping feel it too, despite three flipping injections.
Last friday I thought I'd have just one last session, that the next would be better and final. The next, last tuesday, was worse so what am I to expect tomorrow?????????????
"Is it over tomorrow or are you going to try and beat my record?" laughed the guy who runs the coffee shop this morning.
"Oh I fucking hope not..."
I just sat there mutely because I couldn't, I can't, think of anything even remotely cheery to say.

Stiggers encourages me to have the bleakest blog on the block I reckon, so yeah, I'm just riding with it - the path of least resistance for I feel my strength depleting.
Better out than in ey? No-one likes a moaner I was once told and that might be true but you've got to put your moans somewhere don't you?
Where better than cyberspace?

(It's my blog and I'll moan if I want to is a comment I left on Jule's blog, who earlier this year felt the same as I do about the whole thing. Tis good to know one's not alone!)

Nail the habit

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!

Yesterday (thank goodness yesterday, gone, past, finished) was not the best day ever scheduled what with a social worker visit and part three of seemingly endless root canal work.

I say this because as I walked home from a positive volunteering experience at my son's school, my mind swung to "matyrdom". Me, a martyr, did I want to be a martyr?

The minute I thought that, Jennyfer Spencer came to mind; the disabled woman who left a note for the local paper asking it to investigate her death following her battles with housing.

When the social worker came round I didn't tell him about this. When he said: "We still have concerns about you because when you were going through your eviction you said you had suicidal thoughts. Do you still get those?" I said: "No," because, well what's the point? They're not going to help us get a secure flat are they?

Rrrrraaaaaaaaaaagh. Well at least I'm not crying this time, at least I'm just annoyed with myself I feel this way.

I "meditated" alot on that dentist's chair yesterday. I just surrendered and he was kind, he said it would only hurt for a bit then not hurt anymore as he massaged my gum or jaw or whatever, following my "electric" shocks.

My nail's though. Unconsciously it seems I've been picking at them. I'm trying not to do it now, but I can't help it, bits of skin are poking out, saying pull me pull me. Two nights ago my thumb and cuticles were bleeding. That's when I noticed, then.

To look at me you wouldn't know any of this stuff is going on and that is good, that is very very good (just don't look at my hands).

You know, I'm quite pleased it's Lent today. I'm going to take all my bad habits and try and stop them for a while.

Who knows what joy that could bring me? What inner peace?!

Ahhhhhhhh

Peace

Que sera sera ey Stigs