I can only copy and paste the response to an email I got from Shit School with four attachments. All who were new when I was, all who are and aren't in touch with the school and a list of the records they have on us. I was crying when I left the job centre this morning so it came at a good time to really drive out more tears.
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!
Hi [Staff member at Shit School],
Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.
I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.
The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!
People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.
There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.
I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.
Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.
I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.
However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)
I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.
I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!
Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!
I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,
Sue de Nim