There are so many people who hated school that I'm finding it all rather comforting at the moment, so if you're one, well you're perfectly permitted to take comfort from me, or not, as you like!
My friend Jab came by yesterday and I told her my head was full of a reunion I might go to at a Shit School I hated when I was a teenager.
"Are you going to shit yourself for the next two weeks then decide not to go because that's what I'd do!" and we laughed, because it is funny, especially when you're as old as we are.
"Yes," I said to her. "I think I will but I also think I might go."
I feel I have no choice in going. I shit myself every time I think of going to that school. I spontaneously shield myself or cry when I'm in the vicinity of it. That is so shit, that memories, ok, fucking shit ones, who fucking cares, have such power over me.
I didn't tell you did I? Or did I? I think the reunion is in the school. It is a feast day and I think there is a High Mass. I think a point of the reunion is to go into Mass like old times then go to lunch (lunch? In that awful soulless refectory with those long wooden tables where I couldn't eat a morsel of toast off those white plastic trays?).
i went into the school website yesterday and had a proper look around it for the first time. There is a teacher still there. I remember that name. Was it him or the deputy head who told me I couldn't go into the church because "God doesn't want you there." ?
Thank God I've been to church between then and now but the whole day feels like a baptism of fire. I'm feeling distinctly uncomfortable already.
I asked myself yesterday, who would go through something like this?
Then I remembered lying in a hammock in Phnom Penh, Cambodia having spent the day in the Killing Fields and a guy asked me: "Do you want to have children one day?"
I'd answered: "Who in their right mind would bring a child into this world?"
The answer to both came clearly to me yesterday.
Me.
Believe me when I say to you, that anything I can do, you can do too (even if I'm not convinced at this juncture that I can actually do it. I might combust through shitting myself).
There comes a point when you need to make peace with your past. You will know when that point it because you will feel it.
Walk through the fire and drink the water that awaits you afterwards
(or in my case of course, get pissed,,,well, Jesus did turn water into wine, didn't he? Why yes he did!)
Showing posts with label Parties. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parties. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
School reunions - Does one face the horror?
Very cool? Yes it was. She was embarrassed while I was relieved. Dodgy memories are part and parcel aren't they.
This reunion though, is in a different league to that one.
Thing is, I don't really remember anyone. I don't really remember anyone because I blocked them all out. Well done me.
I remember the school though. I remember the priest. I remember the deputy head. I remember the housemistresses. I remember feeling exactly what I'm feeling right now actually, impossible to articulate as tears stream down my face. I remember the girls coming into my room one by one saying 'I've heard you've been bitching about me.' and me saying nothing because it was true. Will they be there? Will I say something decades decades later? "Yes, your best friend started it." Better not to go, surely, regardless of whether my 'best friend' or any of those girls are there or not. Better not to go, surely, if I know I will walk into the chapel and cry.
It's been months I've been thinking about this. On and off. Off mostly because on seizes my chest as memories surface that I can't get rid of.
Astonishing how something can be so alive in you when you've tried so hard to kill it. Told yourself a thousand times you are over it. Tell yourself a thousand times you accept it and are moving on only to find yourself right back there in that moment which doesn't exist anymore
I don't know if I will go. For the first time today, I have written the message to people I don't remember which I've posted on the facebook page. To keep in touch with no-one, except the father of your child, that is something. I never joined the facebook group when I was invited last year. What does that tell you? Tell them? Should it bother me even?
My friend Em lives nearby and said we can stay even though she and her hubby will be out Friday and Saturday.
I can only go if she takes me. Drives me there, drops me off. A male friend of mine offered but I said no. Em has seen me cry before.
I think people are going with their partners
Fcuk
See, I can't even speak anymore.
I may get back to you about all this
For now I must let the feelings pass
Breeeeeeathe
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Throw out the dead wood - Astro advice!!
I've had a wonderful weekend! On Friday I was invited to a party at the Cafe de Paris. What a raucous time was had there while watching the burlesque show! I've never been before; I recommend!!
Last night I was invited to a barbeque by my neighbours downstairs. What a brilliant time I had there! What an eclectic bunch of friends I was introduced to or got chatting too!
What was really wild about both nights was that the people who invited me I didn't really know that well but I went along and I had a really excellent time.
I took a chance and had a really excellent time. (You read that, shy people!)
Today, as I sup my tea, I read the horoscopes that have zoomed into my inbox.
"The one thing in life you can count on is change," I said to the Polish tattoo artist last night as I, ahem, sipped an Italian aperitif made up of Campari, white wine and water. "Heh heh! Hic!"
You might not be one for change but the planets are aligning this week. You might think all this astro planet stuff is a load of hokey pokey.
Bring it on, I say! Bring it on and allow me, allow us, to come out of it all unscathed!
Here, for you... Throw out the dead wood!
Astro theme for the day . . .Moon Meditation: “Changes from inside out !…” The big astro news of the week is that there’s another mighty meeting of the planets this week - this time between lucky Jupiter and explosive Pluto. Links like this between the big outer planets don’t come along every day of the week - not even every week or month. They are a message from the Universe to all of us that we need to throw out the dead wood in our lives. Or actually, since Jupiter the amplifier is involved, make that a massive message from the Universe to all of us that we need to THROW OUT THE DEAD WOOD IN OUR LIVES! Where in your life has something died and gone toxic? Yes that’s a horrible image but it’s a very valid one under these Stars - Pluto is all about detoxing, eviscerating the dross, clearing out the old to make way for the new. We all have a major chance to do that now. It could be a person, a job or a living situation which you know has to change. It could also be something more subtle, like a habit or an attitude which you know is poisoning things for you. If you use this link to get rid of it, the process should be relatively painless.
(Closer Online)
Last night I was invited to a barbeque by my neighbours downstairs. What a brilliant time I had there! What an eclectic bunch of friends I was introduced to or got chatting too!
What was really wild about both nights was that the people who invited me I didn't really know that well but I went along and I had a really excellent time.
I took a chance and had a really excellent time. (You read that, shy people!)
Today, as I sup my tea, I read the horoscopes that have zoomed into my inbox.
"The one thing in life you can count on is change," I said to the Polish tattoo artist last night as I, ahem, sipped an Italian aperitif made up of Campari, white wine and water. "Heh heh! Hic!"
You might not be one for change but the planets are aligning this week. You might think all this astro planet stuff is a load of hokey pokey.
Bring it on, I say! Bring it on and allow me, allow us, to come out of it all unscathed!
Here, for you... Throw out the dead wood!
Astro theme for the day . . .Moon Meditation: “Changes from inside out !…” The big astro news of the week is that there’s another mighty meeting of the planets this week - this time between lucky Jupiter and explosive Pluto. Links like this between the big outer planets don’t come along every day of the week - not even every week or month. They are a message from the Universe to all of us that we need to throw out the dead wood in our lives. Or actually, since Jupiter the amplifier is involved, make that a massive message from the Universe to all of us that we need to THROW OUT THE DEAD WOOD IN OUR LIVES! Where in your life has something died and gone toxic? Yes that’s a horrible image but it’s a very valid one under these Stars - Pluto is all about detoxing, eviscerating the dross, clearing out the old to make way for the new. We all have a major chance to do that now. It could be a person, a job or a living situation which you know has to change. It could also be something more subtle, like a habit or an attitude which you know is poisoning things for you. If you use this link to get rid of it, the process should be relatively painless.
(Closer Online)
Monday, 20 June 2011
Reunions - Food for the soul!
Two reunions this weekend!
Friday night, old journo friend Anne was over from France so a great excuse to get together.
Saturday was a school reunion. Some of us hadn't seen one another in decades!! I was supremely lucky on two counts. The first was that I was a little hungover so it quelled the nerves and the second, which was spectacularly lucky, was that one of my closest friends from back then came over from Paris and asked to stay with me!!!
What a formidable lot of fine women we were!! No-one over glammed it, although every one was glam, and not much older looking than when we were teenagers, it was surreal!!
We were pretty much all represented which was really cool
Women with husbands/partners and jobs
Women with husbands/partners and children and jobs
Women with husbands/partners and children
Women with children and jobs
Women with children.
What a blast!
From 2 until 7 we had the upstairs room in a pub, then eight of us went out to dinner which only cost £20 because two of the girls covered the cost. None of the wealthier ones made any of the poorer ones feel in anyway devalued. You know, shit and skint and like failures. None of that, we were all who we AMAZINGly were! Are!
And that was the bliss of the whole event - being reunited with people who value you, who value me! Real affection swirled around that room, that restaurant, that pub afterwards, that club three of us fell into at the end!
On the way out of the pub, earlier in the day, one pregnant mother heading home said: "Good luck with your campaigning!" Ooh that tickled me that did. I played it down, that day, what I did but what a boost to have it accepted, particularly right now when I feel I'm sailing quite close to the wind....eek! I can do it!
This morning I told a mum on the school run about my weekend and she asked if it was the school I liked. "Of course!" I said. "I don't think I have the courage to go to the shit school one. Or maybe would have the courage but why would I put myself through that?"
It's really important to be around people who value you.
(We're saying value alot here stigs...)
It's true though; it makes for fantastic present moments and fine memories!
What ever good there is, hold it within yourself
Let it permeate your very soul and give you what you need!
Friday night, old journo friend Anne was over from France so a great excuse to get together.
Saturday was a school reunion. Some of us hadn't seen one another in decades!! I was supremely lucky on two counts. The first was that I was a little hungover so it quelled the nerves and the second, which was spectacularly lucky, was that one of my closest friends from back then came over from Paris and asked to stay with me!!!
What a formidable lot of fine women we were!! No-one over glammed it, although every one was glam, and not much older looking than when we were teenagers, it was surreal!!
We were pretty much all represented which was really cool
Women with husbands/partners and jobs
Women with husbands/partners and children and jobs
Women with husbands/partners and children
Women with children and jobs
Women with children.
What a blast!
From 2 until 7 we had the upstairs room in a pub, then eight of us went out to dinner which only cost £20 because two of the girls covered the cost. None of the wealthier ones made any of the poorer ones feel in anyway devalued. You know, shit and skint and like failures. None of that, we were all who we AMAZINGly were! Are!
And that was the bliss of the whole event - being reunited with people who value you, who value me! Real affection swirled around that room, that restaurant, that pub afterwards, that club three of us fell into at the end!
On the way out of the pub, earlier in the day, one pregnant mother heading home said: "Good luck with your campaigning!" Ooh that tickled me that did. I played it down, that day, what I did but what a boost to have it accepted, particularly right now when I feel I'm sailing quite close to the wind....eek! I can do it!
This morning I told a mum on the school run about my weekend and she asked if it was the school I liked. "Of course!" I said. "I don't think I have the courage to go to the shit school one. Or maybe would have the courage but why would I put myself through that?"
It's really important to be around people who value you.
(We're saying value alot here stigs...)
It's true though; it makes for fantastic present moments and fine memories!
What ever good there is, hold it within yourself
Let it permeate your very soul and give you what you need!
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
The Passing of Time
The passing of time in my life can be defined in two ways.
Birthdays
Blogging
These two things are coming together for me.
I am soon to pass over to a new decade in my life.
It feels quite massive.
The changes you notice aren't just physical to do with you, but physical also to your environment. In ten years the things that change, the people who come, who go, who are still around.
I recently became aware that this blog has captured the last two and half years of an incredibly difficult decade made beautiful by my child.
Who'd've thought, ten years ago, lying on Clapham Common with some guy I was on a date with who asked me if I was only going out with guys because I was desperate for a baby (yes he so did and I was like 'no way!') that I would be lying on Hampstead Heath ten years later not with just any guy...
I'm excited about turning another 'ty.
Oh fuck yes.. it's a new start, a blank canvas...Me and my son, I start with that.
I'll have no hopes, or dreams or expectations this time, you know why
Nor do I think I'll have a blog with a deep blue background
I've got to leave everything behind, all hopes, the dreams, the expectations and move on
And blogspot/Stiggers, that means you too
You were only ever a case study and all case studies have to end sometime, don't they?
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping at night...
Birthdays
Blogging
These two things are coming together for me.
I am soon to pass over to a new decade in my life.
It feels quite massive.
The changes you notice aren't just physical to do with you, but physical also to your environment. In ten years the things that change, the people who come, who go, who are still around.
I recently became aware that this blog has captured the last two and half years of an incredibly difficult decade made beautiful by my child.
Who'd've thought, ten years ago, lying on Clapham Common with some guy I was on a date with who asked me if I was only going out with guys because I was desperate for a baby (yes he so did and I was like 'no way!') that I would be lying on Hampstead Heath ten years later not with just any guy...
I'm excited about turning another 'ty.
Oh fuck yes.. it's a new start, a blank canvas...Me and my son, I start with that.
I'll have no hopes, or dreams or expectations this time, you know why
Nor do I think I'll have a blog with a deep blue background
I've got to leave everything behind, all hopes, the dreams, the expectations and move on
And blogspot/Stiggers, that means you too
You were only ever a case study and all case studies have to end sometime, don't they?
Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping at night...
Birthdays and Reunions
Back in January, an old, old friend from the School That Kicked Me Out, posted a message on Facebook suggesting that the Class Of The Last Millenium reunite, this year.
Ooh blimey! Haven't seen some of these women since the day I left the place. Others I have. It's going to be wierd and with any luck wild (one married a banker from KPMG I'm told and now lives in a 14 bed mansion... another pays someone £50 to sew nametapes onto her children's clothes...different world from my one must say... friend who was kicked out with me was a single mum then met a guy and had two sets of twins! It is going to be mental!)
Anyway, this reunion is planned the weekend after my Big Birthday Decade Change.
I wanted to mark my Big Birthday Decade Change but didn't know whether to book a place and have an evening do or something with my son. The decision got taken out of my hand.
I'm going to see it in. I'm going to wave goodbye to this decade you've caught the end of by having one final Picnic on the Heath.
The stress has already set in. In the dead of last night, not shadows that pursued me but shadows instead seemingly pressing down on me. I wished my son was next to me so I could feel some emotional connection, well, feel anything calm but alas...
I am inviting people from all strands of my life to this thing including some of the girls from Yestercentury...
Aaaargh!!!
Pressure!!
I'd say it beats the weight I feel being on benefits but you know, it's kind of same same...
I want to start drinking now...
Oh Nico Teen Nico Teen why did I forsake you?!
It's all good...
People, friends, celebrating...
It's all good...
Eek!
Ooh blimey! Haven't seen some of these women since the day I left the place. Others I have. It's going to be wierd and with any luck wild (one married a banker from KPMG I'm told and now lives in a 14 bed mansion... another pays someone £50 to sew nametapes onto her children's clothes...different world from my one must say... friend who was kicked out with me was a single mum then met a guy and had two sets of twins! It is going to be mental!)
Anyway, this reunion is planned the weekend after my Big Birthday Decade Change.
I wanted to mark my Big Birthday Decade Change but didn't know whether to book a place and have an evening do or something with my son. The decision got taken out of my hand.
I'm going to see it in. I'm going to wave goodbye to this decade you've caught the end of by having one final Picnic on the Heath.
The stress has already set in. In the dead of last night, not shadows that pursued me but shadows instead seemingly pressing down on me. I wished my son was next to me so I could feel some emotional connection, well, feel anything calm but alas...
I am inviting people from all strands of my life to this thing including some of the girls from Yestercentury...
Aaaargh!!!
Pressure!!
I'd say it beats the weight I feel being on benefits but you know, it's kind of same same...
I want to start drinking now...
Oh Nico Teen Nico Teen why did I forsake you?!
It's all good...
People, friends, celebrating...
It's all good...
Eek!
Monday, 4 October 2010
A party miracle!
I did it! Against so many odds, I gave my son a successful party!!
Seeing the children stuffed full of balloons under their oversized clothes was just too funny, especially with the Benny Hill theme tune accompanying them. I so wish I'd had a camera.
In two teams they really went for the 'up and under' balloon race, with one child passing it over their heads to the child behind passing it over through their legs.
Musical bumps and statues, oh the competition was fierce!
I even got some food into them, albeit forgetting to put down any plates before hand, but hey, that's all part of the miracle that the whole thing happened in the first place!
Although I was listening to R Kelly's I'm the World's Greatest when I got home that evening (oh to sing that to housing success...) with a swollen heart of happiness, I cannot take even half the credit.
If my mate Charlie hadn't agreed to be DJ, for nothing
If Issy hadn't offered to bake the cake and my brother going to collect it off her an hour before the party started because she was too ill to deliver it
If the mum I rarely speak to in the playground hadn't come out of absolutely nowhere and taken charge of sandwich making/running to shop for fruit and squash/ running home to get thread to tie balloons together as I pumped what the children would later fight with and stamp on and play football with and fence with
If decks and disco lights hadn't been provided by the woman who hires out the hall, for a fantastic mid afternoon disco like feel
Angels were surely out in force that day, surely were.
I'd told my boy no party because of housing troubles, then changed my mind and thought goddammit no, I will inject some joy into our horror limbo situation.
And I did it. My boy beaming from ear to ear, with all his little mates, no space or time to remember we were in the midst of imminent eviction.
My mate Charlie gave my son the cd of all the music he picked out. Dr Who and the Jackson 5, Star Wars and Ottawa. A real treat for me I can tell you, now the moment's gone.
Thank you everyone who made it happen! xxxx
Seeing the children stuffed full of balloons under their oversized clothes was just too funny, especially with the Benny Hill theme tune accompanying them. I so wish I'd had a camera.
In two teams they really went for the 'up and under' balloon race, with one child passing it over their heads to the child behind passing it over through their legs.
Musical bumps and statues, oh the competition was fierce!
I even got some food into them, albeit forgetting to put down any plates before hand, but hey, that's all part of the miracle that the whole thing happened in the first place!
Although I was listening to R Kelly's I'm the World's Greatest when I got home that evening (oh to sing that to housing success...) with a swollen heart of happiness, I cannot take even half the credit.
If my mate Charlie hadn't agreed to be DJ, for nothing
If Issy hadn't offered to bake the cake and my brother going to collect it off her an hour before the party started because she was too ill to deliver it
If the mum I rarely speak to in the playground hadn't come out of absolutely nowhere and taken charge of sandwich making/running to shop for fruit and squash/ running home to get thread to tie balloons together as I pumped what the children would later fight with and stamp on and play football with and fence with
If decks and disco lights hadn't been provided by the woman who hires out the hall, for a fantastic mid afternoon disco like feel
Angels were surely out in force that day, surely were.
I'd told my boy no party because of housing troubles, then changed my mind and thought goddammit no, I will inject some joy into our horror limbo situation.
And I did it. My boy beaming from ear to ear, with all his little mates, no space or time to remember we were in the midst of imminent eviction.
My mate Charlie gave my son the cd of all the music he picked out. Dr Who and the Jackson 5, Star Wars and Ottawa. A real treat for me I can tell you, now the moment's gone.
Thank you everyone who made it happen! xxxx
Friday, 1 October 2010
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek
Just popped in to release some steam.
Son's party is tomorrow. There's food, decorations, plates, all kinds of things to go out and buy. Not least a couple of balloon pumps to blow up 200 odd balloons.
Thank heavens for Yellow Moon. Last week.. was it last week? I went online so all the party bags will have things in them, and they arrived the very next day. Just got to put them in, oh and get some party bags. Lucky some left over from previous years. (http://www.yellowmoon.org.uk/ for those who've never heard of this great site!)
I've got to get on top of this but I also have a very important mission this evening.
By chance it's the local councillor in charge of housing who's having a surgery way over somewhere tonight. I have to speak to him. I have to get him to change a policy. It's too late to help me and my child but I have to give it a shot. 6 O'clock tonight in the wind and rain (because it would choose to rain wouldn't it?) I'll put my boy on my bike and head down Holborn way.
Is it too late to help me and my child?
This week has been monumental.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
(Thanks Rosie Scribble for your comment x)
Son's party is tomorrow. There's food, decorations, plates, all kinds of things to go out and buy. Not least a couple of balloon pumps to blow up 200 odd balloons.
Thank heavens for Yellow Moon. Last week.. was it last week? I went online so all the party bags will have things in them, and they arrived the very next day. Just got to put them in, oh and get some party bags. Lucky some left over from previous years. (http://www.yellowmoon.org.uk/ for those who've never heard of this great site!)
I've got to get on top of this but I also have a very important mission this evening.
By chance it's the local councillor in charge of housing who's having a surgery way over somewhere tonight. I have to speak to him. I have to get him to change a policy. It's too late to help me and my child but I have to give it a shot. 6 O'clock tonight in the wind and rain (because it would choose to rain wouldn't it?) I'll put my boy on my bike and head down Holborn way.
Is it too late to help me and my child?
This week has been monumental.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
(Thanks Rosie Scribble for your comment x)
Monday, 13 September 2010
The party hall is booked
I have managed to book a hall for my son's party in, shite, three weeks.
£40 it costs, for the whole day.
Aaaaaargh!! I've never done a party in a hall before!! How do you do it?
Bollocks, shite, crap, wank!
My Mate Charlie has said he'll DJ. That's a relief.
That's also how far I've got.
What games? Don't know.
Who to help me set up? Don't know, would be nice if someone can help.
How do I set up? Do I adorn walls? Aaargh!
Food yes, ok but at what point? Or do I do a buffet?
It costs money to move house so not best time for a party, but fuck it.
What if my eviction date falls on the same weekend?
Will we still be here? Will we have moved meaning I have to commute to it? Have to pay a taxi to get stuff back to whereever we'll be living?
Geez, what about more stuff to pack? Twenty kids = twenty presents.
I've booked the hall. I can't talk myself out of it.
Good, stiggers is saying.
Good? Good??
Mad don't you mean?
£40 it costs, for the whole day.
Aaaaaargh!! I've never done a party in a hall before!! How do you do it?
Bollocks, shite, crap, wank!
My Mate Charlie has said he'll DJ. That's a relief.
That's also how far I've got.
What games? Don't know.
Who to help me set up? Don't know, would be nice if someone can help.
How do I set up? Do I adorn walls? Aaargh!
Food yes, ok but at what point? Or do I do a buffet?
It costs money to move house so not best time for a party, but fuck it.
What if my eviction date falls on the same weekend?
Will we still be here? Will we have moved meaning I have to commute to it? Have to pay a taxi to get stuff back to whereever we'll be living?
Geez, what about more stuff to pack? Twenty kids = twenty presents.
I've booked the hall. I can't talk myself out of it.
Good, stiggers is saying.
Good? Good??
Mad don't you mean?
Playground gossip?
Oh I know I swore (did I swear?) that I would never mention Ugly again but today I can't help it.
Little A, one of my son's three best friends came up to me and said: "My mummy wants to know if you've moved."
Why does your mummy want to know, was my thought though I said "No, not yet."
Now his mummy wasn't there, and nor was his daddy but still I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh because I have no relationship with his parents because for many years now, they've had none with me. Sad but true. Sad because what little I knew of his parents, they were quite decent folk.
His mummy gets on very well with Ugly, his daddy I don't know, he trawls in last minute like me usually but I imagine he does. We talk small occasionally he and I but if I ever mention something funny about his child, he flinches as though I'm going to accuse the little boy about something.
I barely care what happened in Reception now but I haven't forgotten or forgiven Ugly telling me my son was a liar, telling me to pull him out of the school, whispering all manner of shit into A's parents ears until neither of them would talk to me. Neither of them ever invited my son to play with theirs again, both of them would always make an excuse if my son went up to them asking if A could come and play. It was very painful for my son and what is painful for my son is painful for me.
Yes, so makes me think the parents of my son's two best friends are gossiping about me.
It makes me want to laugh.
I maintain that A's parents are decent people. Ugly is still Ugly though. Roald Dahl wrote an excellent description of her in The Twits.
This is the very last time I will mention her. I can't be bothered ya know, and her child, well he's my son's best friend. I can quietly feel sorrow for what she's done and tried to do to them both but know these two boys are above all of it and have their time in school hours to hang out and have fun.
My son's making his party invites tonight. "Who do you want to invite?" I asked.
"R, K, A, L and L," he answered without drawing breath.
K and A didn't come last year. My son was invited to theirs though, and duly went.
Funny isn't it, how these parties are never about or for the parents but it's always up to them.
Now, how the hell am I going to fill two hours? I want this to be a party my little boy will always remember and one where the children all have a blast.
It's a D.I.S.C.O
Give me D desirable
Give me I incredible
Give me S super special
Give me C crazy crazy
Give me O oh ohhhhh!
D.I.S.C.O!!!!
(Ottowan featuring Stigmum)
Little A, one of my son's three best friends came up to me and said: "My mummy wants to know if you've moved."
Why does your mummy want to know, was my thought though I said "No, not yet."
Now his mummy wasn't there, and nor was his daddy but still I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh because I have no relationship with his parents because for many years now, they've had none with me. Sad but true. Sad because what little I knew of his parents, they were quite decent folk.
His mummy gets on very well with Ugly, his daddy I don't know, he trawls in last minute like me usually but I imagine he does. We talk small occasionally he and I but if I ever mention something funny about his child, he flinches as though I'm going to accuse the little boy about something.
I barely care what happened in Reception now but I haven't forgotten or forgiven Ugly telling me my son was a liar, telling me to pull him out of the school, whispering all manner of shit into A's parents ears until neither of them would talk to me. Neither of them ever invited my son to play with theirs again, both of them would always make an excuse if my son went up to them asking if A could come and play. It was very painful for my son and what is painful for my son is painful for me.
Yes, so makes me think the parents of my son's two best friends are gossiping about me.
It makes me want to laugh.
I maintain that A's parents are decent people. Ugly is still Ugly though. Roald Dahl wrote an excellent description of her in The Twits.
This is the very last time I will mention her. I can't be bothered ya know, and her child, well he's my son's best friend. I can quietly feel sorrow for what she's done and tried to do to them both but know these two boys are above all of it and have their time in school hours to hang out and have fun.
My son's making his party invites tonight. "Who do you want to invite?" I asked.
"R, K, A, L and L," he answered without drawing breath.
K and A didn't come last year. My son was invited to theirs though, and duly went.
Funny isn't it, how these parties are never about or for the parents but it's always up to them.
Now, how the hell am I going to fill two hours? I want this to be a party my little boy will always remember and one where the children all have a blast.
It's a D.I.S.C.O
Give me D desirable
Give me I incredible
Give me S super special
Give me C crazy crazy
Give me O oh ohhhhh!
D.I.S.C.O!!!!
(Ottowan featuring Stigmum)
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Good stress?
I've told my son he's not having a birthday this year. It was while he's been watching ads on tv saying "I want this, I want that," and I'm thinking "Shit, I can't order anything online because what if we move next week." I'm thinking "Shit, everything costs so much money."
I've had to be honest with him, it's really shit. He said he wants a get together with his friends, on the heath. The Heath is free, the Heath would be perfect.
I've had to say no, because in the park, parents don't want to stick around with their children, so the children don't come.
Two years ago was the last Heath party. Mostly old friends of both of ours, kids who attend different schools but with whom we've had such little contact with, especially since last year when I took a few of his classmates to the cinema.
A sleepover with two or three friends is not an option although I wish it was.
There's always the indoor play centre. Eight is the perfect age for that. How do I transport stuff there and back (food, party bags)? How do I afford it? It's one thing thinking "fuck the money" when it's £20 you're looking at. Quite another thinking 'fuck the money' when you're thinking the Oh The Draught will blow a further bright red £200 into the pits of hell. (Credit should be red I think, the Oh The Draught black, because debt is so dark aaaaaaaargh)
This morning familiar housing stress. topped with birthday stress. Why should I do nothing because our lives are currently in a 'could change any minute' limbo, but isn't changing. Day in day out, the bailiff's order, which I dread, doesn't come. Fear until midday then relief that I can let go of it in the afternoon.
Why should I do nothing because I can't afford it?
AAAAARGH. FUCK IT.
A few years ago a child in the other class had a disco in the local hall. I don't know how I would execute such a thing. I don't know how I would go about it. If we're still living here though it's an option because it's nearby and hopefully cheap to hire.
So the next few days I'm going to transfer stress.
I'm going to stop praying for housing. I'm going to visualise my son having fun with friends instead.
Somehow, the impossible will become possible.
The hall will be vacant and cheap, I will meet someone who has an ipod who's willing to help me out, I will meet someone who can tell me how to manage two hours with 30 odd kids, most of whom may not want to dance.
I don't know, I really do not know, I really have no idea, I've never done something like this before.
I want my son to celebrate his birthday with his friends.
That much I do know.
I'm going to pray it all comes together. Some how, some way some thing will come together.
I've had to be honest with him, it's really shit. He said he wants a get together with his friends, on the heath. The Heath is free, the Heath would be perfect.
I've had to say no, because in the park, parents don't want to stick around with their children, so the children don't come.
Two years ago was the last Heath party. Mostly old friends of both of ours, kids who attend different schools but with whom we've had such little contact with, especially since last year when I took a few of his classmates to the cinema.
A sleepover with two or three friends is not an option although I wish it was.
There's always the indoor play centre. Eight is the perfect age for that. How do I transport stuff there and back (food, party bags)? How do I afford it? It's one thing thinking "fuck the money" when it's £20 you're looking at. Quite another thinking 'fuck the money' when you're thinking the Oh The Draught will blow a further bright red £200 into the pits of hell. (Credit should be red I think, the Oh The Draught black, because debt is so dark aaaaaaaargh)
This morning familiar housing stress. topped with birthday stress. Why should I do nothing because our lives are currently in a 'could change any minute' limbo, but isn't changing. Day in day out, the bailiff's order, which I dread, doesn't come. Fear until midday then relief that I can let go of it in the afternoon.
Why should I do nothing because I can't afford it?
AAAAARGH. FUCK IT.
A few years ago a child in the other class had a disco in the local hall. I don't know how I would execute such a thing. I don't know how I would go about it. If we're still living here though it's an option because it's nearby and hopefully cheap to hire.
So the next few days I'm going to transfer stress.
I'm going to stop praying for housing. I'm going to visualise my son having fun with friends instead.
Somehow, the impossible will become possible.
The hall will be vacant and cheap, I will meet someone who has an ipod who's willing to help me out, I will meet someone who can tell me how to manage two hours with 30 odd kids, most of whom may not want to dance.
I don't know, I really do not know, I really have no idea, I've never done something like this before.
I want my son to celebrate his birthday with his friends.
That much I do know.
I'm going to pray it all comes together. Some how, some way some thing will come together.
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