Wednesday, 16 November 2011

The location of old ghosts

The second email I wrote after my first 'thanks' one. Sometimes it's not good to rake over the past, but other times you have no choice but to. So, a little bit of history for ya, potted so it's makes sense (ha ha ha):

Tuesday, whenever that was. Oh yeah, yesterday!

Hi [Member of Staff],
I don't know if the college is in touch with [my son's] father and it's really not my place to interfere with that. It's between him and the school. I'll be seeing him later and if I get the chance, will probably ask him. He wasn't happy there either. I will tell him his biology teacher remembers him well.
Not really confessing, ok yes confessing but Sunday a mad thing happened to me as I walked through my old corridor. I felt the flutter of a ghost inside me. Only for an instant but it made me smile as better in me that out I thought at the time, so fearful am of, well, ghouls! Wonderful lunch followed, chatting to Mr [Brother] who's daughter was the year below my sister at the school they went to. Great afternoon. Great, all of it. You know. Good chat with Mr [Told Me My Ally Wasn't Dead]. Lift to the station! Briliant.
Told all on facebook - brilliant! Some even said they wished they'd come (not my year though!)
Revenge of the tears last night. Oh my..for the break up of my family; [my son's] dad was my boyfriend at school, all for two minutes but still, the bullying I allowed to happen with some girls and finally of course, that the flutter happened outside the room where I contemplated suicide in [Lower 6]. Three breakdowns/breakthroughs I've had since I left [That School] that now I know to be 'spiritual emergencies'. Housing problems led me to suicide dreams that I am now able to control. Over the next day or two I'm going to get in touch with a healer because I want to understand what happened to me. I'd said to somebody before going back to [That School] that I was going to reclaim myself because I lost myself there. Well myself has certainly seemed to have found me and the tears are what I told myself last night, another much needed healing process.
I took a giant step to come back. Infact, I think I was pushed. I think I was pushed by God. I didn't have to listen of course but it's always easier if you do isn't it?
So I don't know (I have a political party called the I Don't Know Party!). I don't know if I will come back or whether I will hold the memory of last weekend as a perfect memory. I have no idea. I'm getting dreams to write to one of the girls.[Decades past] though, people's lives have moved on. Mine has to. Why wake things up?
I will send the cheque, thank you so much for the puddings;) Please be patient though, I am quite rubbish and forgetful but you will get it. If I come I may come with the cash.
Sorry about this email. I'm aware I don't have to explain anything or justify anything but I've started a journey, long long ago and well, I've got to take it to the end. I'm sure I'll start enjoying it soon! I did say to [my son) yesterday I might come back next year and he asked if he could come along. He is a great little boy, I am very lucky to have him.
I won't give my mailing address now but I may do in the future.
I'm aware I'm being how I'm being and please don't mind me because I'm used to it!
I'll be in touch again. Please thank [Vintage Priest] for his time the other day and for the offer of returning.
Best wishes,
Sue de Nim

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