Thursday, 17 November 2011

Conquering yourself is better than winning battles

"It's better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours and it cannot be taken from you by angels or demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha said that!"

Sent to me by a friend on Monday evening. An athiest friend I might add!
Today it makes total sense to me as at some point it may do to you.

Dreams of bats in white porcelain bowls

Last night I was woken up by a flutter and vision of bats trying to fly out of one of my white porcelain bowls. I didn't let it freak me out. I'm going to the London School of Psychic Studies today. They will help me. (They have to help me) I'm really scared actually, so good job the doc has signed me off signing on, noting 'anxiety' as the cause.


To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.

To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.

To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.

According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.

Wish I'd counted how many now!!

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

The location of old ghosts

The second email I wrote after my first 'thanks' one. Sometimes it's not good to rake over the past, but other times you have no choice but to. So, a little bit of history for ya, potted so it's makes sense (ha ha ha):

Tuesday, whenever that was. Oh yeah, yesterday!

Hi [Member of Staff],
I don't know if the college is in touch with [my son's] father and it's really not my place to interfere with that. It's between him and the school. I'll be seeing him later and if I get the chance, will probably ask him. He wasn't happy there either. I will tell him his biology teacher remembers him well.
Not really confessing, ok yes confessing but Sunday a mad thing happened to me as I walked through my old corridor. I felt the flutter of a ghost inside me. Only for an instant but it made me smile as better in me that out I thought at the time, so fearful am of, well, ghouls! Wonderful lunch followed, chatting to Mr [Brother] who's daughter was the year below my sister at the school they went to. Great afternoon. Great, all of it. You know. Good chat with Mr [Told Me My Ally Wasn't Dead]. Lift to the station! Briliant.
Told all on facebook - brilliant! Some even said they wished they'd come (not my year though!)
Revenge of the tears last night. Oh my..for the break up of my family; [my son's] dad was my boyfriend at school, all for two minutes but still, the bullying I allowed to happen with some girls and finally of course, that the flutter happened outside the room where I contemplated suicide in [Lower 6]. Three breakdowns/breakthroughs I've had since I left [That School] that now I know to be 'spiritual emergencies'. Housing problems led me to suicide dreams that I am now able to control. Over the next day or two I'm going to get in touch with a healer because I want to understand what happened to me. I'd said to somebody before going back to [That School] that I was going to reclaim myself because I lost myself there. Well myself has certainly seemed to have found me and the tears are what I told myself last night, another much needed healing process.
I took a giant step to come back. Infact, I think I was pushed. I think I was pushed by God. I didn't have to listen of course but it's always easier if you do isn't it?
So I don't know (I have a political party called the I Don't Know Party!). I don't know if I will come back or whether I will hold the memory of last weekend as a perfect memory. I have no idea. I'm getting dreams to write to one of the girls.[Decades past] though, people's lives have moved on. Mine has to. Why wake things up?
I will send the cheque, thank you so much for the puddings;) Please be patient though, I am quite rubbish and forgetful but you will get it. If I come I may come with the cash.
Sorry about this email. I'm aware I don't have to explain anything or justify anything but I've started a journey, long long ago and well, I've got to take it to the end. I'm sure I'll start enjoying it soon! I did say to [my son) yesterday I might come back next year and he asked if he could come along. He is a great little boy, I am very lucky to have him.
I won't give my mailing address now but I may do in the future.
I'm aware I'm being how I'm being and please don't mind me because I'm used to it!
I'll be in touch again. Please thank [Vintage Priest] for his time the other day and for the offer of returning.
Best wishes,
Sue de Nim

Old ghosts

If I had more than two tapes in the bedroom on the corridor at the Shit School I really shouldn't call a Shit School anymore, (later I was moved to the stairwell) then I can't remember.
On facebook I posted Bat out of Hell but I think I've referenced that song on here, to do with housing.
A great album that Meatloaf album. Some great tracks. Stiggers picked this one for you today. I used to cry out loud to it:

Awakening Reunions

I can't articulate about the reunion, just to say it was magical. Really. From the first direct train getting me and my son to the church on time to be given a lift back to the station minutes before our carriage home. So much inbetween. This is what I recorded on facebook as I'd told friends there I was frightened so wanted to reconnect there first. What I will say is that I believe my blogging days as Stigmum's conduit will end soon. Sure, I'm sad about that but it has to be done.

Sunday 13th Nov 9pm on my homepage
Il reunion was brilliant, wicked, fantastic, mind blowing! More surreal than surreal, for I've never been to one like it, nor will I ever again; there was not one person from my year there!! Year above, year below, but mine?!Nope! I tell ya, flying in the face of your fears... well, I've got a nice large glass of vino to keep me grounded, else I might fly right away!

In response to the Facebook Event Creator's "How was it guys" Monday 14th Nov
It was brilliant! The girls' area is now a boys area...As I walked through it I sensed all the ghosts inside me which was quite funny believe it or not! Our common room a staff common room now. Old teaching allies who are not dead like I'd heard one was! The Mass was amazing and later hilarious, even [Vintage Priest] laughed when [my son] banged his head against the 150 year old relic [ of saint]. Didn't make it to the rugby, or behind the chapel to join some smokers;) There were only a few of us there and it was great to see you/them. Great vibes basically from a school that has haunted so many of us. Will I go again? Dunno! Maybe!
(9 comments) Two guys including Luke wrote they wished they'd come having read that

On my homepage, to my friend friends
You might think I'm abit odd but yesterday when I walked along the corridor of my old living area (which is now a boys living area) I felt my ghosts fluttering inside me! Only for a moment. Then I tried the door to my old room, not used by any person now and it was locked and to the old common room (now for staff) and it was locked and to the toilets where some of us would smoke up by the fans, and it was locked. Just remembering it this morning! I don't think I'm odd btw, bit mad maybe, but not odd!
(14 comment conversation follows between me and an Old Boy after the post I'm posting next)

I'm thinking of deleting my last comment but I'm not going to. I simply failed to get across that my ghostly experience was funny (shame you can't use italics on fb, or can you and I haven't figured it out yet...;))
A primary school friend and a girl I worked with in Japan 'Like' this.

Highlight of yesterday was [my son] accidently headbutting a 150 year old Relic in the old school chapel. The priest laughed and I sniggered in exactly the same way as I would try to control my sniggers back in the days before I was forever (not, clearly) banned from the place!
Comments that follow
I think that counts as an extra blessing for [your son] :) From an Old Girl
Monday at 12:11pm · Like
Me Yeah! And inadvertently, I like to think a message to me too! It is all Light. Or at least, it should be...!
Monday at 12:14pm · Like
I felt a bit like that when my daughter did a poo on the side of the croquet lawn at [the school which kicked you out]...
Monday at 4:36pm · Like · 1
Me: Ha ha ha that's hilarious [G}, makes me think revenge is a dish which will be served up by our children, whether we like it, or plan it or not!!
Monday at 8:35pm · Like · 2 (though I wished I hadn't commented and kept the blessing thought instead of the revenge thought because:

It's been the Revenge of the Tears ever since
I will blog about it the best way I know how (or the best way Stiggers tells me) then leave this board

I am only writing about this experience because I believe it has some value for someone. It is hard though, I don't know what to tell you to expect.

"You're the real deal" had said a member of staff at the school
"Raw deal you mean, ha ha ha ha ha!"

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoooooo, I love blogging as Stigmum but I'm going to have to start over, with a different username, but I know just the one!!!

Pre Reunion Nerves

Relax relax relax relax breathe relax
It will be fine
It will be fine
Man on Heath said "You'll love it!"
You will so get excited instead of scared
You've got [your son] with you, the prayers of your mam and pap, the luck and support from friends. Do it.
Go into the church and bow your head, repeatedly saying thankyou to God and the angels, to Mary and the saints, for [your son], for your parents, for your being there and holding it together.
Good things will come from it
Good things
Your relationships will get better because you will feel stronger.
Rest afterwards and stay close to people who love you, yourself included.

(Taken from notebook: 12th November 2011)

Saturday, 12 November 2011

I ain't afraid of no ghosts...says trembling me

The spectre of that Shit School is looming large. Body is trembling, knees may buckle, heart is beating so fast I have to breath hard to steady it...
but hey, it was long ago, long ago. The wicked priest is dead, the evil prison marshalls gone... haven't they? And, most curious of any reunion I've ever been to in my life, I don't know who's going, just the friends who aren't (If the Foca's there I think I'll drop down dead but he won't be.. he won't be will he.. just the shadow of a memory in that great corridor where I was told I couldn't go into the church because God didn't want me there.)

I've got to keep calm and keep telling myself...It's all in the past and I ain't afraid of no ghosts! I'm brave me, brave...and it's costing me a fecking fortune just to get to the place so it better be worth it!

Friday, 11 November 2011

Meditation for 11.11.11

From Soul & Spirit. November issue. Page 41

Try this meditation from Shekinah to connect to the 11.11.11 energies at any time on the actual day of November 11th. When you do it, set your intention to ground peaceful, unifying energies into yourself, and the world and the universe.

*If you can, create a relaxing atmosphere with music, candles, incense or oils
*Focus on your breath. Inhale and exhale peace and love
*Imagine putting all your problems in a basket at your feet. Do this for a few moments until you feel completely relaxed.
*Then, with one deep breathe, picture roots growing out of your feet into Mother Earth. Inhale the Earth energy up into your heart and then out into the universe. Imagine this vibration, contained in your breath, merging with the 11.11.11 energies, and breathe that back down into your heart, and out into the universe.
*Visualise it going all the way round the world, enlarging and strengthening the lay lines.
*As you breathe, envision two symbols of light growing in your heart: one representing your internal masculine energy and the other your feminine.
*When you feel ready, imagine Shekinah as a bright diamond ball of light coming down from the universe, through your head and into your heart. Picture the latter opening to receive this Divine feminine energy and sense it merging with your internal masculine and feminine energies, bringing unity, peace and harmony.
*See and sense this energy going around the planet, bringing peace and unity to our world. Continue doing this for as long as you wish.

"Shekinah represents the 'hidden feminine' and together with archangel metatron seeks to bring balance and unity to humanity."

Even if you don't believe in any of this, breathing in a white light is a good thing to do anytime you want to reach out or reach in and harness some strength for yourself. You can also do this anytime, any, any, any time!

I wish you all a happy 11.11.11!

Advice for going to frightening school reunions

It might be a long way back to your Shit School. You might have to take a train, change, get a bus, then at the destination get a taxi. You might not think it's worth it. That's fine. You might think it is worth it. That's fine.

Even if you get to your Shit School doors and you can go no further, that's cool. It's further than you have ever been before.

No-one is forcing you to go
No-one is forcing you to stay
No-one is forcing you to leave

No-one is forcing you to do anything you do not want to do.
It is your choice and you are in control.
You can change your mind at any point about anything.

Remember you are brave
Know you are brave
You are brave

Nice neighbours

My neighbours are Italian. One's a musician, one's a hairdresser.

The day before last when I took my son to the salon where he works, he told me that if I was free on Saturday, he'd blow dry my hair!

He knows I've been shitting my pants about the reunion because, well, I've told pretty much everyone I'm shitting my pants.

Anyway, how nice is that???!

"You will look niiiice," he says. "I make you look niiiiic."

They're beautiful my neighbours but telling them how long it's been since I went to Shit School, flip, I don't think they were born!

No matter, age does not matter, age does not wither, nor stale our infinite variety. Isn't that right Shakespeare?!

Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours.. That's on Channel 5 these days isn't it?

Focus on the good
Focus on the beauty.

Single mum friend this morning told me I was more than just a single mother on benefits, and should not define myself that way.

"You are a freelance journalist. You may not have written for a while but that's what you are."

With a little understanding
That's when good neighbours become...

OK, Ok, you've got it...


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Fuck, who knew????????

I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.

"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."

We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.

The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.

I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.

My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)

Who knew??????!

It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.

I'd just like to say thank you.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Alcohol and Spiritual emergencies

You don't need me to tell you they don't go well together.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)

I really want a cigarette

No I don't

I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start

God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:

"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)

The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.

That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)

God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).

I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!

I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.

I'm not, I'm just really spent

I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..

"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."

So I did that, and it was good.

I hope I've stopped crying by Sunday

I can only copy and paste the response to an email I got from Shit School with four attachments. All who were new when I was, all who are and aren't in touch with the school and a list of the records they have on us. I was crying when I left the job centre this morning so it came at a good time to really drive out more tears.
I thought of writing something shorter, but I can't think any more. Tears are well knackering!

Hi [Staff member at Shit School],

Thank you very much for these attachments. They have come at a very good time!
Please excuse the email that follows, and certainly keep it under your hat, at least until after Sunday. Please.

I'm not in a very good place. I had to go and sign on this morning and well, I don't like doing that.

The long and the short of it is that I'm terrified of coming, terrified of being judged. That's normal and it's natural and I'm used to it but still, people don't go to school reunions, particularly schools where they don't associate much happiness, when they are not in a good place. Well, maybe they do. I'm doing so after all. I'm absolutely terrified of crying. I haven't stopped really since I wrote on the facebook page that 'maybe' I would come. What was I thinking?!

People remember me and I remember a few and really I've got some good friends and life otherwise is alright. I make no sense I know.
A decade ago, I got in touch with four people. I ended up meeting one of them and he is the father of my child. He left when [my son] was one, he's married and settled with two other children now. He loves and sees [my son] and that's what's important. It's also one of the reasons I am not able to let go of the school and my time there. Believe me I've tried. Facebook... You can't put yourself on a social networking site and not expect to be found.

There has been alot of pain in my experiences recently that also associate with school and there's nothing in my life to suggest that circumstances will change soon. I don't want to talk about that really (because it has the power to make me cry) but I will say I am going to a protest next Tuesday outside parliament against the new housing policies the coalition is tabling. It's an issue very close to my heart.

I do not know if I will stay for lunch. It's a giant step to even go into the church. I've got between now and Sunday to sort myself out so I at least look like I've got some kind of control over my life. I really do not want to cry but the soil is fertile for it so I'm trying to get it all over and done with now so I can enjoy myself later. I tell you, it feels like a dam has burst.

Thank you for those lists. [E!] That was her name! It's helping in other ways too. Some girls achieved loads. House colours, this and that. Brilliant. You get to me and well, it's all abit of a surprise! House Monitor? Me? House Monitored, no? I spent alot of time housebound when I was there. It's why I want to go back up there really; it was so much more my home than anyone elses, in that I spent so much more time there than anyone else. House plays? I was banned from playing hockey: "It's not golf Sue!" after I accidently hit (A) in the eye. I came last in cross country... but then again, I did come in so that's something I guess. I did play the flute and I was in the orchestra. I got it fixed last year actually, keep meaning to pick it up again.

I haven't got too much to be frightened about in regards to people's judgements because i haven't really fallen very far from any position I had back then, which is good to know. Quite lucky in that regard ha ha. But still, Daily Mail readers hate people like me, the Tory party too actually. After a while it takes effort to walk with your head held high.

However, that is exactly what I wish to do on Sunday, what I am going to do on Sunday, which is why I had to tell you what I've told you and ask you please not to tell anyone else. I'll tell them if it comes up in conversation (aargh and dammit I will try not to cry!)

I will send another email to you and [The Old Girl Who Works There] just saying I might not stay for lunch. Right now I'm wondering if I can even make it to the door but a friend said even if I get that far, it's further than I've been before.

I'll be alright. I've got my son really excited about it. None of you must worry. I'm a big girl now, honest!

Thankyou that I have been able to tell you what's on my mind. Like you said on the phone, many many people come back who had a hard time. I guess it just has to be done doesn't it?!

I look forward to meeting you and thanks again,

Best wishes

Sue de Nim

Internal paralysis

Unable, unable, to do what the government requires of me.

The sheer hopelessness of bidding for a stable home
The sheer hopelessness of applying for jobs

I tell people not to give up
but I have

The man at the jobcentre said there aren't immediate sanctions if you don't fill in the notebook and you and I know, at the end of this road, even if you do fill in the form, if you don't find a job, there are only sanctions that await you.

Give up on your dreams
Give up

I don't know how to advise you if you feel like this.

You can sit down and listen to James or do what I've just done and make an appointment with your doctor.

Who knows if it'll help. You've given up haven't you. but with the little bit of hope that's in you, that little bit, that part of you which wants something better for itself, use it to make that call.

(Oh Stiggers, I used to be so funny)

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Sitting down with James

I've been listening to this track alot and find it very comforting. Because I do not want sympathy, nor do benefit claimants, nor do occupylondon protesters, just understanding, Stiggers replaces that with a cuppa tea. Bless me little stiggers, she knows I'm weary

Shit, I've not done my JSA homework

Shit shit.
I have to prove I've been looking for work tomorrow or I won't get my benefits.
They won't buy 'spiritual crisis' will they? They won't buy 'hurtling at speed towards a mental breakdown'. You've still got to be available for work and you've still got to be looking even though it's hopeless.
Three jobs, all they asked for.
They'll give me so much shit if my notebook's blank. Rules n all.
I'm going to have to lie.

I remember being like this when I was being evicted. I knew I had to pack but I couldn't stop blogging.
Now, I know I have to job hunt but I cannot stop blogging
and of course, blogging knackere me out because it's so emotional and mental so I end up not sleeping, or not sleeping because I'm stressed and use that stress to write because no-one is alone in this world, with their experiences but they feel it.

Blogging saves my sanity
When I'm being forced out of my home
When I'm being forced to look for work.

Shit. I'll stop now, but I'm so tired, so so tired, all I want to do is sit down. Not think. Just be.

Shit, I don't know where I've put my Notebook


Teenage kicks

There was one day when me and My Best Friend came down to PE earlier than everyone else. We waited with the teacher for a while, then she told us to run upstairs and get the other girls.
So we ran upstairs, told the girls PE was cancelled, wasn't that great?! And they were like, 'really?' and we were 'yeah! Swear to God'
Then went back downstairs and waited again. And waited. And waited and my son really does take after me because I started to giggle and couldn't stop.
The teacher went bananas at us, told us to wait for her in the changing rooms while she got the girls and I laughed so hard I peed my pants, right through the wooden slats of the bench and the look of horror on her face is what made me laugh last night.

OK, it's not the best memory. Maybe I should have left out the bit about peeing my pants. Was funny though. - I'm wondering whether to re-label this under 'reunion' because I'll have been to two this year, this one by far the most frightening.

Reunions a chance to let go, right?

Some friends can't understand why, how, I've not let go of my school days. Well, the answer is, because it's been hard. I did let go of it in Japan (or so I thought), came home overland by foot and everything, contacted four friends then got pregnant by one of them.

Here goes, the top three events that have ensured that the memories of that school come back and back and back and have caused two mental breakdowns as consequence, maybe even three. Hopefully not four.

Having a baby with the Foca. Prime cutlet of first class gossip me. Then dumped. Then (effectively) evicted from his brothers house (oh why didn't I take it to court?). I'll tell them me and the Foca are bezzy mates if they ask.
It's all about being judged isn't it, always has been and here is my chance to stand in the face of all that judgement. I reckon that's what most people are afraid of, nervous of, what people find quite traumatic. Do you like being judged? Are you afraid of it? I wish I was going back as a film star, rock star! Human rights lawyer. Millionaire. Seriously feckin' rich. No. I'm going back as a single mother on benefits. I'm thinking how lucky I am that I was never Head Girl.

Being evicted by the church when my son was two years old. Throw yourself at the Bishop's mercy the good priest told me. "We have no duty to care for you."
You were sent by Satan to do the Devil's work . I file that under trauma

Facing eviction and threatened with hostels twice
The school link: Detention, sometimes indefinite detention. 'Housebound' they called it then. 'Early Nights' they call it now. Can file that under trauma too.

What is going to this reunion going to achieve? That if I end up in a hostel indefinitely I will survive?
It's not going to achieve anything, is it? I cried so hard the other night, so hard, as the thought of our next eviction loomed into my mind. Fighting for my son again, for his education, that whole threat of displacement, how living with me puts him at risk of so much change and insecurity that perhaps it would be better that he goes to live with his father. His father who can give him what I can't. I ground those tears, god they're so painful, then thought no. My child doesn't want to be separated from me and I will not sacrifice him, even if his life away from me is better.

Sorry to admit this to you, but there is so much pain in my life

Fuck, sorry.

The man was nice on the phone to me yesterday. I told him I was a bit scared, bad memories n all. He said last year a 64 year old man came back for the first time who'd hated the place. Another guy, a major in the army, came back and cried.

So many of us hated it back then, I said. Alot's changed. There's no saturday morning school anymore for starters.

The man said things like "we'll take care of you"

and I thought no and I cried no and I cried and cried some more and some more and I couldn't stop and I thought I'm not a victim

I'm not a creep
I'm not a loser
I'm not um, a wierdo
I do belong here
and Radiohead is a great name for a band and that is a great song.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

"We'd love to have you!" says Shit School

I'm shshshshshshshshaaaaaaking.

Watch my hhhhand tttttremmmble.

I phhonnned the ssschhhoool yyyyesssterrrday aaand itttt rrrung ouuttt.

My nnnumber's ccome upp, I tthought. Bbbllaack mmmark, nnnot wwwwelcccome.

Rrragh. Ddefffiant. I am going to that bbbbloody pppplace.

Called hhalf aan hhour aggo. Ssaid I'm cccoming onn tthhhe aaanswwer mmmacchiine aand ttthey cccalled mmme bback.

Bbbbreeeeaathhe. Brreeeeattthhe. Bbbreeeaathhe

I wwwwiill bbbloggg agggain tttooommmmorrowww

Message for A Single Mother's Journal - Why block me?

To A Single Mother's Journal,

I'm reaching you from my blog because a while ago I noticed that although you follow mine, you have denied me access to yours.

Then two days ago, I lost a follower. It's always a shame but you know, not everyone is going to like what you write. That's how I see it anyway.

It made me wonder though, if it was you! When I saw it wasn't, I clicked on your blog and I got this:

Blogger: permission denied
This blog is open to invited readers only

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

Do you mind explaining? I know I used to comment on your blog. I comment on quite a few people's blogs. Did I offend you in any way? Why don't you just say, or delete my comment if you don't like it(like another blogger did who doesn't follow me, nor block me).

I wondered how to reach you because I was unable to contact you and figured writing to you through a post is the best way, seeing as you follow me.

Is there such thing as blogging etiquette? I thought there was, unspoken.

Maybe you could 'unfollow' me, Either 'unfollow' me or allow me access to your blog. You can't have it both ways.

Well you can actually. I figured I could block you back but there's no point. Mine is an open blog for anyone to enjoy or learn something from. You just have to google me and you're in. I leave it with you.

I have thought about posting something about you doing this on the mummybloggers site, see if this kind of thing is unusual and I might.

They might not respond to me, or comment on this. Years of blogging I've come to accept that. I'll do it next week though. Might put this post on twitter though (I do that with pretty much all my posts)

It's up to you but I hope you do the right thing. I also hope you're alright. You're a lot younger than me I think and it's very hard the life we lead bringing up our children on our own. I'm pleased my blog has helped you in some way because that has always been its intention.

Take care of yourself.

Sue de Nim

Say, what shall I wear to the Shit School reunion?

Before going to sleep the night before last, I asked the Universe, the angels to give me some idea of what to wear to the Shit School reunion should I go. It's always a bit of a nightmare isn't it, deciding?

I floated in my dream wearing my grey wool dress from M&S last whenever and my dark blue chunky boots. Then I appeared floating in my dream wearing the grey wool dress, a pair of black buckled court shoes and a red coat I would buy at Primark because I am overdrawn and I may find a cheap one there.

Cool! I'll go to Primark!

Hang on, what if the red coat actually symbolises something...

Don't Look Now...that formidable psycho thriller with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland which haunted me for days afterwards. Am I that little girl in red?

The chest seizes...

Little Red Riding Hood! I am little Red Riding Hood entering the forest! I am not afraid of the wolf because I Run With The Wolves (Pinkola Estes)!!!!

Don't Look Now...

Ok, I'll get a maroon coat!


Ok a black one!

Whose funeral?

AAAARGH..Why can't I wear jeans??????



Go back to sleep

Monday, 7 November 2011

The past comes haunting - song

Half past three
And I'm watching my past show in my bed all alone
How the memories come crashing on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to feel the gloom
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaayers

Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

All my friends
Found the end of the rainbow, with happiness to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of my view
I can’t open the window and gaze into the night
for there's darkness there to see, just ghouls in sight
Is there a soul out there
Someone to hear my praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayers

Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme some peace after midnight
Take me through the darkness to the break of the day

(oh the beautiful instrumental)

(Abba featuring Stigmum)

The tune if you want to sing along...

Skeletons in closets - a thought

Skeletons in closets
make an awful lot of noise.

Friends who betray you

I'm not happy telling you this. There are things you want to forget, it all happened long ago but with all things I write, if I think there might be value in it for someone, then sod it, I spill. It's long though, and a bit boring, so you can stop reading now, I won't be offended.

My Best Friend actually betrayed me the first week at Shit School. Some spanish girls were giving me dirty looks so I asked them why and they told me, in their not brilliant english that I'd been bitching about them. Who told you? I asked. They wouldn't say, and then when they did, I didn't want to believe it,despite Best Friend being half spanish herself

Then my roommate, a Chinese girl, who'd I'd been having a real laugh with, started blanking me, turning her back on me when I walked in the room, that kind of stuff. Turns out my Best Friend had told her I'd been bitching about her as well. In my first week!

I challenged my Best Friend and she denied it.

What you've got to understand maybe, what I've got to understand, is there were slim pickings for friends at that school. There were what, a dozen girls in my year. Me and My Best Friend made each other laugh. Things were never the same, as lighthearted and fun with the Chinese girl anymore. She probably thought it was true, and that I had been bitching and that I had lied to her.

Fast forward a year and My Best Friend is bitching about two girls in our class, A and B. I didn't really like A and B, I thought they were up themselves and vain (B would brush her hair gazing infront of her mirror, every break time, before every meal time)So I joined in the bitching. "What's he doing with her?" would say My Best Friend. "I know, he could do so much better..."

(I've cringed about all this before, there's no value for me in writing this)

Anyway, one night, when I'm in my bedroom in the stairwell with the bricks missing from the wall, B comes in, furious, saying: "I heard you've been bitching about me."
I say: "Um, yeah." "Why? What have I ever done to you?" she says. "Well (I struggle for something) I guess you're a bit vain.." She shouts at me, goodness knows what she says, and storms out the toom.
Then A comes in the room:
"I heard you've been bitching about me," she shouts.
"Um, yeah," I answer unable to deny it.
"What have I done to you? What have any of us done to you?"
"Oh for fucks sake, I'm tired of this. Don't either of you wonder who I've been bitching about you with???"
"Who? Who have you been bitching about us with??"
"Well if you can't work it out I'm not going to tell you."

I was furious and hurt, really hurt but no time to think about it, exams looming and all. I don't even think I had it out with her, My Best Friend. I think I just profoundly thought: FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.

A day or so later a 'friend' called C tells me My Best Friend, A & B want to see me in the school field at 1 O'Clock. I tell her to tell them they can fuck off. Then I think no, no, stupid fucking bitches and I go down to the main hall, where some boys have gotten wind of it and tell me they'll come with me. "You don't have to do that," I tell them. But they do. The Black Hand Gang I'd call them; five of them and a Greek fella. Have you ever felt rescued? I remember feeling rescued.

I reach the girls who have not expected the boys, and have become all girly, flicking their hear, "hi!" they say.

I don't remember beyond that. Alot of shit was going on then; detentions, priests telling me I was Satan, general abject misery, oh yeah and A levels...Maybe it'll come out over the next few days, in my sodding sleep. Maybe it never will, because it's not important. It is past.

Here's this though. The value, particulary for someone who has been bullied.

My Best Friend followed me to college a year after I got there. She wanted to come see it before accepting a place and to see if she'd changed, I told her I fancied my flatmate. I told my flatmates my little plan and My Best Friend did indeed try to snog by flatmate.

When I returned from a year in France she had a group of friends and I'd see her in the SU Bar but never talk to her. Then one day, she was gone.

She'd tried her, what, game? with her friends. She betrayed her new Best Friend, Em, telling others in the group she'd been bitching about them. She didn't count on Em being close to the others in the group and the lot of them figuring out what My Best Friend had done.
My Best Friend got hissed out of college. The whole art department turned against her.

Karmic Justice! Thank you Universe! Sure I was sad that another person got hurt, and Em and I since became friends but the relief, the relief I wasn't the only one. Maybe that's the important point. You are never the 'only one'.

I. Let. It. Go. Didn't I?

My Best Friend invited me to be her friend on facebook earlier this year. I ignored it. So why now, suddenly all this fear bollocks.

She may be at the reunion. A photo popped up, see, on the Home page, of a guy who I can't remember so why did I accept a friend request from him..anyway, a photo popped up and it turns out she's going out with him. "My beautiful boyfriend!" she writes. And other girls (A but not B) from the year commenting and liking.

My Best Friend would never go to a reunion on her own but with this one she won't have to. She's very much part of the school network that exists and which I don't want to be a part of. I care for so few of them and don't remember so many.

She is not My Best Friend. She has not been My Best Friend since we were teenagers. I'm likely to see her precisely because I don't want that place with all those people who remember us as being joined at the hip..are you fecking kidding?

What will I say?

What would you do?

All I do know, is that I allowed that whole experience to affect the whole of my adult life. I do not fight for my friends, geez, I don't even fight for my son.

Here's what God says and I can't tell you that it makes me feel any better about any of this:

of yourself
in order not to betray
It is the
Highest Betrayal

Your Shakespeare put this another way:

To thine own Self be true
and it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man

Skeletons in closets ey, who knew they could make so much noise...

Sunday, 6 November 2011

I sometimes go to Church on Sundays

I didn't go today. Not to my local church nor the church which has a beautiful latin service and choir (of angels heh heh)

Woke up in time, looked at my clock, rolled over again.

Is that alright do you think?

Alright that I go to Church sometimes? When I fancy it, when I want to?

I don't think my local priest would think so. He's always telling us to come every week and be on time (I'm always late, bit disrespectful I know but...)

If I'm a now and then attender does that mean I shouldn't attend at all?

If you are a church goer, do you go because you want to or because you feel you have to?

God doesn't want you there

No, memory bank, no. Some priests, some believers of the Faith, don't want me there.

Does that mean I shouldn't go?

There is no peace between me and religion.

Should I force that?

Should you?

Should we?

Let it be

Music is the food of Love

For anyone going through any type of spiritual 'crisis', 'emergency', or simple spiritual growth, I can't recommend music highly enough to see you through it.

I find myself listening to Classic Fm, Magic and Heart at the moment.

Whatever floats your boat, they say

Enjoy the ride, try not to be afraid

Depeche Toi..

I phoned Shit School on Friday afternoon, ostensibly to ask if when I come for the Feast Day, that they will allow me to go back up to the girls' living quarters. Ya know, remember the child I was and let her go.

I didn't get that far.

I asked to speak to the Head Teacher but spoke to his secretary instead, which was cool(very).

"You would have been sent a letter inviting you," the woman said on the phone.
"No, I'm not an alumni. When I left that place I really left. I found out about this on facebook."
"Oh, word of mouth then?"
"Kind of, some people are talking about a reunion on facebook. I don't really know too much about it."

The long and the short of it is I might not be able to go.
"The chapel is very small," she said
God doesn't want you there
"I know, I just think it would be very special."
"Yes, I'll find out for you and call you back. Are you on this number I see on my handset..1234567891011"
"Yes. Thanks."

She didn't call me back.
I will call her tomorrow.

Don't know if I'll join the lunch though, if there are tickets left. AAARGH.

I've been crying all morning for flips sake, tears chasing off the shadows I've allowed to lurk around my soul.

I've got Classic Fm playing in my bedroom.

Good job it's Sunday ey?

I may go and have a bath

Reach out and touch me

Friday, 4 November 2011

From a friend

Evelyn Evelyn "Have You Seen My Sister Evelyn" Music Video from Amanda Palmer on Vimeo.

Spiritual Emergencies

I discovered the phrase Spiritual Emergency or Spiritual Crisis in a natural remedy health book belonging to my mum, last weekend.

There was only one page on Spiritual Crisis but it told me enough that modern doctors don't understand it and will be quick to diagnose you with depression and put you on medication, which is what happened with me.

Medication didn't work for me, I almost committed suicide for fecks sake, and I've been through I don't know how many shrinks and psychologists.

I can't tell you too much, because I don't really know. I know that my last breakdown, I called it a breakthrough, because that's who it felt. It felt like both. The breakdown part of it though, was terrifying.

Religion is at the root of it for me.

Right, it's no biggie, though I have allowed it to be a biggie in my life, but at Shit School a priest told me that I'd been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work.

That's it. That's all. No priest ever touched me physically. Just wounded me at a time when I was experiencing major teenage turbulence of the emotional kind.

Good. I've admitted it now. To the world.

God says (in Conversations with God bk 21 p 80):
Religion asks you to learn from the experience of others. Spirituality urges you to seek your own.
Religion cannot stand spirituality. It cannot abide it.

On page 247 God says: Return to Sprituality. Forget about religion.

This is good for me even if priests don't like it. I cried in my bathroom this morning when it crossed my mind that when I email the school to say I'm coming, because I'm going to do that, the teacher that remains that I saw on the website may recall me and say that I am barred from the chapel and am not allowed to enter. You know, because "God doesn't want you there...."

Stupid I know but I didn't know this morning and different fears are rising all the time.

I have to lighten up or I'm going to have another breakdown for fucks sake.

Hey stiggers..Are you Satan and me the Devil or am I the Devil and you Satan? It's always really confused me....ha ha ha! Brilliant, found it this morning.

Reboot is the label I used after my breakdown though at the time so much was flying through my mind and I was too scared to write because I was afraid I was going mad. Teaching is a label I used to explore spiritual stuff but when I started the blog did not want to admit I was a spiritual person. If I had, the label would read 'spiritual stuff'.

God, you really do learn as you go along...

What you resist persists so accept

What? That I've been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work or that I'm doing just fine with my kind of spirituality?

You know the answer

When you are forced to confront what you don't want to

"What you resist, persists."

I left my Conversations With God book 1 with my mother so can't give you page number or anything, just the recommendation it's a good book.

It's true though, what God says, in that book. What you resist persists.

Last night I saw on facebook that a guy in my old class at school had added me to the "Class of.." page.

Three years ago, when his friend had found me on facebook, I was invited to join and well, the tremors and shakes and loss of appetite and headaches, always, headaches, I didn't accept. Why would I? Why would I, even symbolically, align myself with a place that made me so unhappy? No!

My posting that I might go to this reunion may have something to do with my being added to the Group now. I don't know, I'm not asking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting it be.

All the memories are coming up again; the dententions, the bullying, the religion. I push it all down because to allow them to come, well, makes me cry if I'm lucky.

In my heart I know I should thank that guy for adding me to that Group. It is a kind thing to do and he means well by it.

I have to go back to that school, I have to face the possibility that there will be girls there I don't want to see, because I've got nothing to say to them. I could go back to that school when there is no chance there will be any old pupils there, like this Sunday but I just want to deal with it all and be done with it. Do that or else delete those I accepted as friends from my facebook page because otherwise what's the point of them being there?

The soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings. Follow your feelings. Honor your feelings.
Why does it take so much time to create the reality you choose? This is why: because you have not been living your truth.
Feelings are the language of the soul. And your soul is your truth

(Conversations with God book 2. Page 14/15)

What you resists persists
Confront it
and keep breathing

If I let the memories surface maybe good ones will come up too.
I need to be strong when I get there because to be honest with you, I'm terrified.
I don't want to have any kind of break down infront of anybody. I don't want to be all shy and awkward and stuttery in front of anybody, I don't want the act of putting on a brave face to to, I don't know...
I want to be myself, but not the self who is writing this right now.

I will of course, let you know how it goes - Really Good, Good, Shit, Really Shit

If it is Really Shit though, don't let that put you off attending your own if that's what you feel you have to do for whatever reason your subconcious wants you to decide.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Remember you are BEAUTIFUL

Coming Home - at last?

Confession time...

I used to love Carole King. I've always loved Carole King but in Japan this guy called Jim said "Oh my god you like her?" and I fancied Jim so I stopped listening to my tapes and never mentioned her name again.

A statutorily homeless person about to embark on a Shit School reunion is going to have old memories surface.

Mine is that a few years before Japan and Jim I used to defend my choices. I didn't give a shit if people didn't like the same music as me (Abba and Meatloaf!)

I lost myself at Shit School. As clear as the sky is grey today, that is what happened. Me and myself separated and we've had trouble getting back together ever since.

I wish I'd known earlier

I did!

Oh well, I know properly now!

I should be embarrassed, shouldn't I?


I actually found this song yesterday as I was trawling through the net looking for songs that I could tweet the housing minister with.

I'm not sure I'll tweet him with them. Maybe. Maybe not. Shall I?

Here's the link though, there are great songs on it, just chill and listen, aaah:

Mind as you step over homeless bodies

I used to keep my housing posts short
Or play around with style
Now I ramble on and on
I bore me with my bile

It's because I'm not "in it" now
Not like I was last year
I see it but I can't ignore it
Don't you ever feel the fear?

To lose your home is horror
You can lose yourself I find
We need the bricks that shelter
Home within to ease our mind

Criminalising squatting
is a criminal act
executed by a self serving government.
Criminal not in State Law perhaps
but certainly that of the Land

Now don't mind me while I go off and have an existential breakdown.


Criminatlisation of needing shelter

On Tuesday night an amendment was passed criminalising squatting. Wow, they push through these things fast when they want to ey.

I want you to watch this footage (link is also at the bottom of this page) of the demonstration on Tuesday evening. Just take the time. It's not easy viewing but it is how it is. I'm very frightened that on the 15th when I go to protest against the future of our children's housing I will be made to feel like a criminal too, and I may be kettled and this time, I am bringing my son with me.

I'm just really sorry that our media; the bbc, Sky, don't want you to see this and so the only way we can try to understand the society we live in is by reading publications like the Guardian. They are the only bloody ones.

Politicians have pushed this through because they all have 1,2,3.4,7 houses. Many are underoccupied, others may be empty.

Empty empty, so many empty properties. In some parts of the UK, streets full of empty properties. So many people that can't afford to rent a room. So many people who will be evicted and rendered homeless between now and Christmas as they continue to enforce the benefit cuts.

I don't know how you feel about squatting. You may be a property owner, you may be a Daily Mail reader.

The truth is we have a very real catastrophe in our country right now and the crisis has just been made worse.

Another excellent article, from the Guardian once again, which explains all this so much more clearly than me.

The Emergency Housing protest is on Tuesday 15th November at 4pm outside partliament. There is no website I can put a link for you. I doubt there will be as many people that at the squatting demo but I hope so because the message is the same.

We need more housing. People need homes.

Home home home home

Take me home

Shitting oneself about Shit School reunions

There are so many people who hated school that I'm finding it all rather comforting at the moment, so if you're one, well you're perfectly permitted to take comfort from me, or not, as you like!

My friend Jab came by yesterday and I told her my head was full of a reunion I might go to at a Shit School I hated when I was a teenager.

"Are you going to shit yourself for the next two weeks then decide not to go because that's what I'd do!" and we laughed, because it is funny, especially when you're as old as we are.

"Yes," I said to her. "I think I will but I also think I might go."

I feel I have no choice in going. I shit myself every time I think of going to that school. I spontaneously shield myself or cry when I'm in the vicinity of it. That is so shit, that memories, ok, fucking shit ones, who fucking cares, have such power over me.

I didn't tell you did I? Or did I? I think the reunion is in the school. It is a feast day and I think there is a High Mass. I think a point of the reunion is to go into Mass like old times then go to lunch (lunch? In that awful soulless refectory with those long wooden tables where I couldn't eat a morsel of toast off those white plastic trays?).

i went into the school website yesterday and had a proper look around it for the first time. There is a teacher still there. I remember that name. Was it him or the deputy head who told me I couldn't go into the church because "God doesn't want you there." ?

Thank God I've been to church between then and now but the whole day feels like a baptism of fire. I'm feeling distinctly uncomfortable already.

I asked myself yesterday, who would go through something like this?

Then I remembered lying in a hammock in Phnom Penh, Cambodia having spent the day in the Killing Fields and a guy asked me: "Do you want to have children one day?"
I'd answered: "Who in their right mind would bring a child into this world?"

The answer to both came clearly to me yesterday.


Believe me when I say to you, that anything I can do, you can do too (even if I'm not convinced at this juncture that I can actually do it. I might combust through shitting myself).

There comes a point when you need to make peace with your past. You will know when that point it because you will feel it.

Walk through the fire and drink the water that awaits you afterwards

(or in my case of course, get pissed,,,well, Jesus did turn water into wine, didn't he? Why yes he did!)

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Tears are good haiku

When it's hard to breathe
as memories re-surface
tears can really help

School reunions - Does one face the horror?

I am thinking of coming, if I can sort out travel/accommodation etc. Thing is, I don't really remember anyone, which is a bit embarrassing but also quite funny for at another school reunion, an old room mate didn't remember me, which I thought was very cool!
Very cool? Yes it was. She was embarrassed while I was relieved. Dodgy memories are part and parcel aren't they.

This reunion though, is in a different league to that one.

Thing is, I don't really remember anyone. I don't really remember anyone because I blocked them all out. Well done me.

I remember the school though. I remember the priest. I remember the deputy head. I remember the housemistresses. I remember feeling exactly what I'm feeling right now actually, impossible to articulate as tears stream down my face. I remember the girls coming into my room one by one saying 'I've heard you've been bitching about me.' and me saying nothing because it was true. Will they be there? Will I say something decades decades later? "Yes, your best friend started it." Better not to go, surely, regardless of whether my 'best friend' or any of those girls are there or not. Better not to go, surely, if I know I will walk into the chapel and cry.

It's been months I've been thinking about this. On and off. Off mostly because on seizes my chest as memories surface that I can't get rid of.

Astonishing how something can be so alive in you when you've tried so hard to kill it. Told yourself a thousand times you are over it. Tell yourself a thousand times you accept it and are moving on only to find yourself right back there in that moment which doesn't exist anymore

I don't know if I will go. For the first time today, I have written the message to people I don't remember which I've posted on the facebook page. To keep in touch with no-one, except the father of your child, that is something. I never joined the facebook group when I was invited last year. What does that tell you? Tell them? Should it bother me even?

My friend Em lives nearby and said we can stay even though she and her hubby will be out Friday and Saturday.

I can only go if she takes me. Drives me there, drops me off. A male friend of mine offered but I said no. Em has seen me cry before.

I think people are going with their partners


See, I can't even speak anymore.

I may get back to you about all this

For now I must let the feelings pass