To A Single Mother's Journal,
I'm reaching you from my blog because a while ago I noticed that although you follow mine, you have denied me access to yours.
Then two days ago, I lost a follower. It's always a shame but you know, not everyone is going to like what you write. That's how I see it anyway.
It made me wonder though, if it was you! When I saw it wasn't, I clicked on your blog and I got this:
Blogger: permission denied
This blog is open to invited readers only
http://singlemothersjournal.blogspot.com/
It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.
Do you mind explaining? I know I used to comment on your blog. I comment on quite a few people's blogs. Did I offend you in any way? Why don't you just say, or delete my comment if you don't like it(like another blogger did who doesn't follow me, nor block me).
I wondered how to reach you because I was unable to contact you and figured writing to you through a post is the best way, seeing as you follow me.
Is there such thing as blogging etiquette? I thought there was, unspoken.
Maybe you could 'unfollow' me, Either 'unfollow' me or allow me access to your blog. You can't have it both ways.
Well you can actually. I figured I could block you back but there's no point. Mine is an open blog for anyone to enjoy or learn something from. You just have to google me and you're in. I leave it with you.
I have thought about posting something about you doing this on the mummybloggers site, see if this kind of thing is unusual and I might.
They might not respond to me, or comment on this. Years of blogging I've come to accept that. I'll do it next week though. Might put this post on twitter though (I do that with pretty much all my posts)
It's up to you but I hope you do the right thing. I also hope you're alright. You're a lot younger than me I think and it's very hard the life we lead bringing up our children on our own. I'm pleased my blog has helped you in some way because that has always been its intention.
Take care of yourself.
Sue de Nim
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Thursday, 14 April 2011
My son at the Dentists
"Can I come into the room with you mummy?"
"Wait in the waiting room (my son), it won't take long,"
"I want to be with you mummy, I want to stay with you."
"OK, as you like but I don't think you'll enjoy it. It's up to you."
In the end he didn't want to sit in the room. He sat outside it on a step reading Flat Stanley and hugging the Big Chick he'd bought himself with the £6 his Uncle Dave gave him at the weekend for helping him with the tidying up as me and my Cuz put the world to rights over a bottle of wine in her garden.
As I lay on the dentist chair, I didn't have to imagine angels for I knew a little one was right here with me.
Take all you can in with you to a dentists appointment, but try leave behind fear.
My son my sun I thank you.
"Wait in the waiting room (my son), it won't take long,"
"I want to be with you mummy, I want to stay with you."
"OK, as you like but I don't think you'll enjoy it. It's up to you."
In the end he didn't want to sit in the room. He sat outside it on a step reading Flat Stanley and hugging the Big Chick he'd bought himself with the £6 his Uncle Dave gave him at the weekend for helping him with the tidying up as me and my Cuz put the world to rights over a bottle of wine in her garden.
As I lay on the dentist chair, I didn't have to imagine angels for I knew a little one was right here with me.
Take all you can in with you to a dentists appointment, but try leave behind fear.
My son my sun I thank you.
Confronting the Playground Bully
(Extracted from notebook - Friday 8th April)
Kirsten the Twin
An angel most definitely
Angels surrounding me
Thank you Universe for sending (my son) friends as
I struggle with the fighting within my head.
Where are the mothers?
Oh God. Ugly, Ugly and C's mum
I stay put while (my son) runs off
I have to say something
Words jumble what - not clear headed today
I go over, they don't stand up
At this point my son ran over me to me in tears telling me that Ugly's son had bashed his head against the ground while Ugly watched and said nothing.
Half an hour earlier I had walked across the Heath playing field, told Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head that I'd come to talk to Ugly and would not be staying.
Did you get my email? I asked, calmly
No
You didn't?
No
OK, maybe you'll tell me why you went and told tales about my son to the teacher earning him a day's detention
I didn't do that
You didn't do that? You didn't tell some story about my son tipping over your son's chair?
I don't know what you're talking about, shoo, go away, back to where you came from.
I can look ugly people in the eye, though it pains me. I call my son. Eat your lies you Ugly woman.
She tracks back, I won't bore you with the details. She claims she deleted the email I sent her and the Head. "I sent it to [Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head] too." I say.
Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head sticks her hands up as though I am pointing a gun at her: "No, No, I'm not.. I don't want to get involve.."
"Oh don't worry," I say (I'm not going to shoot) "You.." and with my arms I sweep her over to Ugly and say "Fine".
I sent the email to you as Chair of the Governers, up to you what company you keep. The things you want to say, but don't, perhaps because your head is actually in your mouth, left lower jaw to be precise.
"I don't want you to say anthing about my son," I say to Ugly. Hang on, that's not what I rehearsed -
"I'll say whatever I like!" she retorts.
"Well that makes you a child abuser," I spit.
She reels. And so she should Ugly, Ugly bitch.
"You owe my son an apology. Apologise to my son."
"I'm sorry your mother made you listen to this,"
"No," I say to her, "You know what about."
I don't hear what she doesn't say.
I apologise to Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head telling her it's as I said, I don't want to sit with them, I want to be on my own this afternoon and go back to my patch of grass the other side of the field.
I see Gardening Mum arrive. Both Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head (I really must find another name for her) and Ugly stand up to talk to her. I find this funny.
Next I look up and they are all sitting together in a big group, my son still playing with his (best)friends and me apart until my son comes over saying he's thirsty and so I get up to go buy him water from the Shack.
This is where I met Kirsten, who bought a pack of six ice lollies for a pound and did I want one.
No, I said, but I know some kids who might!
This forces me to approach the big group. (Not much longer now, I'll finish in a minute)
Imagine you are there. Not one of the three Year 3 mothers, but one of the other ones, Reception perhaps or Year 1.
You see the Queen of Tarts going up to the mothers in her year. You hear her say hello to Gardening Mum. You watch her being snubbed. You see her standing there: "Hello Gardening." This mother is forced to turn round. She answers the Queen of Tarts questions about the Easter holidays in short sentences, doesn't return questions, just turns back to Ugly (the three had been talking to one another)
One of you say to the Queen of Tarts that you'll take the last Strawberry Split lolly after all. You both laugh, filling the kids with sugar! Last day of term an' all!
Meanwhile, Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head has stood up to go and watch the boys play football. Gardening Mum and Ugly resume whatever chat.
Is that why you and your friends all leave as the Queen of Tarts, resplendent in sloppy jeans and a pale blue Top Shop shirt steps round you in her heavy biker boots this hot afternoon to go and throw the ice lolly box in the bin ?(M&S don't you know! There isn't one in the vicinity! Believe me when I say Kirsten was an angel in human form)
Is that why you quietly grab your buggies and go? I'm sure I would feel discomforted by what I was witnessing too.
You might want to know that Gardening became more animated towards Queen of Tarts after that. Asked her plans for the holidays. Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head said something, I couldn't tell you what.
I walked back to a spot under an Oak tree, took out a book and a notebook, and began to write the poem (?) that my weeping son came and interrupted. He begged me to go and talk to Ugly again but I told him to leave it, go get his stuff by the goal posts and we'd go. I felt guilt the next day. Next time I'll defend him all the way and God willing I won't have been to the dentist that day like every single flipping time I've had a chance to say something to that Ugly Ugliness since her tale telling to the teacher.
Make of this post what you will. I didn't want to write it, some people aren't worth the time or effort, but Stiggers has told me to today, while my boy is at a Kung Fu workshop. Maybe there's a grown up playground bully in your child's school, who knows..
That night I was invited to a birthday party. Mary and Hannah. In my local pub, kids invited.
Not all middle class mothers are Twits, even fewer are Ugly Twits.
I can a be a twit, but with a small t - huge differences in definition, ey Dahl?
Kirsten the Twin
An angel most definitely
Angels surrounding me
Thank you Universe for sending (my son) friends as
I struggle with the fighting within my head.
Where are the mothers?
Oh God. Ugly, Ugly and C's mum
I stay put while (my son) runs off
I have to say something
Words jumble what - not clear headed today
I go over, they don't stand up
At this point my son ran over me to me in tears telling me that Ugly's son had bashed his head against the ground while Ugly watched and said nothing.
Half an hour earlier I had walked across the Heath playing field, told Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head that I'd come to talk to Ugly and would not be staying.
Did you get my email? I asked, calmly
No
You didn't?
No
OK, maybe you'll tell me why you went and told tales about my son to the teacher earning him a day's detention
I didn't do that
You didn't do that? You didn't tell some story about my son tipping over your son's chair?
I don't know what you're talking about, shoo, go away, back to where you came from.
I can look ugly people in the eye, though it pains me. I call my son. Eat your lies you Ugly woman.
She tracks back, I won't bore you with the details. She claims she deleted the email I sent her and the Head. "I sent it to [Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head] too." I say.
Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head sticks her hands up as though I am pointing a gun at her: "No, No, I'm not.. I don't want to get involve.."
"Oh don't worry," I say (I'm not going to shoot) "You.." and with my arms I sweep her over to Ugly and say "Fine".
I sent the email to you as Chair of the Governers, up to you what company you keep. The things you want to say, but don't, perhaps because your head is actually in your mouth, left lower jaw to be precise.
"I don't want you to say anthing about my son," I say to Ugly. Hang on, that's not what I rehearsed -
"I'll say whatever I like!" she retorts.
"Well that makes you a child abuser," I spit.
She reels. And so she should Ugly, Ugly bitch.
"You owe my son an apology. Apologise to my son."
"I'm sorry your mother made you listen to this,"
"No," I say to her, "You know what about."
I don't hear what she doesn't say.
I apologise to Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head telling her it's as I said, I don't want to sit with them, I want to be on my own this afternoon and go back to my patch of grass the other side of the field.
I see Gardening Mum arrive. Both Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head (I really must find another name for her) and Ugly stand up to talk to her. I find this funny.
Next I look up and they are all sitting together in a big group, my son still playing with his (best)friends and me apart until my son comes over saying he's thirsty and so I get up to go buy him water from the Shack.
This is where I met Kirsten, who bought a pack of six ice lollies for a pound and did I want one.
No, I said, but I know some kids who might!
This forces me to approach the big group. (Not much longer now, I'll finish in a minute)
Imagine you are there. Not one of the three Year 3 mothers, but one of the other ones, Reception perhaps or Year 1.
You see the Queen of Tarts going up to the mothers in her year. You hear her say hello to Gardening Mum. You watch her being snubbed. You see her standing there: "Hello Gardening." This mother is forced to turn round. She answers the Queen of Tarts questions about the Easter holidays in short sentences, doesn't return questions, just turns back to Ugly (the three had been talking to one another)
One of you say to the Queen of Tarts that you'll take the last Strawberry Split lolly after all. You both laugh, filling the kids with sugar! Last day of term an' all!
Meanwhile, Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head has stood up to go and watch the boys play football. Gardening Mum and Ugly resume whatever chat.
Is that why you and your friends all leave as the Queen of Tarts, resplendent in sloppy jeans and a pale blue Top Shop shirt steps round you in her heavy biker boots this hot afternoon to go and throw the ice lolly box in the bin ?(M&S don't you know! There isn't one in the vicinity! Believe me when I say Kirsten was an angel in human form)
Is that why you quietly grab your buggies and go? I'm sure I would feel discomforted by what I was witnessing too.
You might want to know that Gardening became more animated towards Queen of Tarts after that. Asked her plans for the holidays. Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head said something, I couldn't tell you what.
I walked back to a spot under an Oak tree, took out a book and a notebook, and began to write the poem (?) that my weeping son came and interrupted. He begged me to go and talk to Ugly again but I told him to leave it, go get his stuff by the goal posts and we'd go. I felt guilt the next day. Next time I'll defend him all the way and God willing I won't have been to the dentist that day like every single flipping time I've had a chance to say something to that Ugly Ugliness since her tale telling to the teacher.
Make of this post what you will. I didn't want to write it, some people aren't worth the time or effort, but Stiggers has told me to today, while my boy is at a Kung Fu workshop. Maybe there's a grown up playground bully in your child's school, who knows..
That night I was invited to a birthday party. Mary and Hannah. In my local pub, kids invited.
Not all middle class mothers are Twits, even fewer are Ugly Twits.
I can a be a twit, but with a small t - huge differences in definition, ey Dahl?
Friday, 3 September 2010
Faltering with friends
These last few days my son and I have been very lucky, spending time with friends.
That my son is so happy playing with his friends of course makes me happy.
I try and be positive with mine, for of course housing will come up:
"How's it going?"
"Have you moved yet?"
"What's going to happen?"
"Do you know where you're going?"
I tell them I'm really looking forward to my son having his own room. He wants it blue. I tell them I'm looking forward to making it our home and then I falter. Words bang in my head: temporary, insecure, I don't know, don't know, know nothing.
I do not tell these words to my friends, I just falter when I get to the word "home" then smile weakly and say "I'm trying to be positive ha ha!"
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa.
Thank goodness there's such a thing as changing the subject
(though not on here ey stiggers? Oh joy....)
That my son is so happy playing with his friends of course makes me happy.
I try and be positive with mine, for of course housing will come up:
"How's it going?"
"Have you moved yet?"
"What's going to happen?"
"Do you know where you're going?"
I tell them I'm really looking forward to my son having his own room. He wants it blue. I tell them I'm looking forward to making it our home and then I falter. Words bang in my head: temporary, insecure, I don't know, don't know, know nothing.
I do not tell these words to my friends, I just falter when I get to the word "home" then smile weakly and say "I'm trying to be positive ha ha!"
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa.
Thank goodness there's such a thing as changing the subject
(though not on here ey stiggers? Oh joy....)
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Materialising through Skype
Sinja originally called me on my mobile then discovered I had skype. I rarely use it, I don't know how. My mum calls me on it and I email chat to my friend in Canada.
When Sinja's voice came through my computer, it felt like she was in the room. I closed my eyes and she was. We chatted for 45 minutes, while her son played with friends.
Empathy. It's so powerful. She knows, she knows.
She said she didn't know how I was coping, she wouldn't be able to, she'd go under. "You're so strong Sue."
"Oh Sinja, so are you. Don't you remember?"
I told her that a couple of years ago, I sent her an email and I'd copied it down. I didn't read it to her but I had read it to myself:
Flip Sinja, so glad you didn't succeed and fate stepped in. You are so so so so special, and don't just take it from me [your son] thinks so too. I contemplated it last year, didn't try as my window doesn't open far and that was going to be my method, so there I stood infront of it, planning, planning everything and suddenly there was a powercut and in the dark I heard "mummy". I'd totally forgotten [my son] was there. I gave him a candlelit bath then later me the same with lavender oil. I was really shocked, numb as the whole thing dawned on me. The next day I thought I'd cook him his favourite meal, a labour intensive fish pie that I never bothered to do and I went out for cigarette and there in the sky were 2 rainbows.
I've been crawling up the banks ever since so I know exactly how you feel. Hang on girl, find a bit of gold and clutch on to it. [My son] is mine but anything Sinja, find anything. Don't leave [your son], don't leave me, don't leave this world. Oh and don't worry about calling!! Flip no. I live in a quiet night and no-one ever comes by here unexpectedly.
Sending my love and a big tight hug. Feel it Sinja, feel it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
-Fucking facebook won't send it, just when it needs to Aaargh.
(December 2008 - copied in a diary so I wouldn't the lose the message to send it to her again)
My Danish friend has turned her life around. She is an incredible person. I've not had to surmount what she's had to surmount.
You know how you can feel really really lucky to know someone? That's how I feel about her. I feel it about quite a few of my friends.
It was lovely chatting to you Sinja, speak to you again soon and have a fabulous time in Canada! xxxxx
When Sinja's voice came through my computer, it felt like she was in the room. I closed my eyes and she was. We chatted for 45 minutes, while her son played with friends.
Empathy. It's so powerful. She knows, she knows.
She said she didn't know how I was coping, she wouldn't be able to, she'd go under. "You're so strong Sue."
"Oh Sinja, so are you. Don't you remember?"
I told her that a couple of years ago, I sent her an email and I'd copied it down. I didn't read it to her but I had read it to myself:
Flip Sinja, so glad you didn't succeed and fate stepped in. You are so so so so special, and don't just take it from me [your son] thinks so too. I contemplated it last year, didn't try as my window doesn't open far and that was going to be my method, so there I stood infront of it, planning, planning everything and suddenly there was a powercut and in the dark I heard "mummy". I'd totally forgotten [my son] was there. I gave him a candlelit bath then later me the same with lavender oil. I was really shocked, numb as the whole thing dawned on me. The next day I thought I'd cook him his favourite meal, a labour intensive fish pie that I never bothered to do and I went out for cigarette and there in the sky were 2 rainbows.
I've been crawling up the banks ever since so I know exactly how you feel. Hang on girl, find a bit of gold and clutch on to it. [My son] is mine but anything Sinja, find anything. Don't leave [your son], don't leave me, don't leave this world. Oh and don't worry about calling!! Flip no. I live in a quiet night and no-one ever comes by here unexpectedly.
Sending my love and a big tight hug. Feel it Sinja, feel it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
-Fucking facebook won't send it, just when it needs to Aaargh.
(December 2008 - copied in a diary so I wouldn't the lose the message to send it to her again)
My Danish friend has turned her life around. She is an incredible person. I've not had to surmount what she's had to surmount.
You know how you can feel really really lucky to know someone? That's how I feel about her. I feel it about quite a few of my friends.
It was lovely chatting to you Sinja, speak to you again soon and have a fabulous time in Canada! xxxxx
Reaching out to Facebook
The Lease Has Ended. Thunderbirds are... Thunderbirds are where exactly? Ah, down the pub!
This was yesterday's comment on Facebook when I woke up needing to be positive, having spent Thursday night coasting the hard, brittle edge of my life.
It's when I posted on social networking site the week before that it took courage. Or was it courage? Was it desperation? Isolation? Just fecking giving up?
We all know that not every friend on facebook is a "friend". Perhaps we all have some one, or someones, from our past that we accepted as "friends" in order to let go of that past. Well I have them anyway and I've resisted posting about my life on Facebook because I didn't want these one or two individuals to know that what I have become is a single mother on benefits wanting a council flat. I'd rather I was known as a billionaire philanthropist.
Oh you know what? Sod it. I am what I am, I'm going through what I'm going through, take it or leave it. I broke the news with this:
Awaiting bailiffs order and son's dad has thrown me a court order. Pants. Spotty, dotty, stripey, all kinds...may as well come clean....
It's not hundreds that commented, it's a few and many of those didn't comment on my message. They sent an email, they telephoned me.
A couple wrote on the comment they didn't know how to help. That's the problem when someone's in a shit situation isn't it, it's hard to know what to do or what to say.
I told them they were helping. The fact that they are there. They don't have to do anything.
Yesterday, three phone calls: One from Canada, one from Denmark and one from Spain.
Thanks guys, it means alot xxx
This was yesterday's comment on Facebook when I woke up needing to be positive, having spent Thursday night coasting the hard, brittle edge of my life.
It's when I posted on social networking site the week before that it took courage. Or was it courage? Was it desperation? Isolation? Just fecking giving up?
We all know that not every friend on facebook is a "friend". Perhaps we all have some one, or someones, from our past that we accepted as "friends" in order to let go of that past. Well I have them anyway and I've resisted posting about my life on Facebook because I didn't want these one or two individuals to know that what I have become is a single mother on benefits wanting a council flat. I'd rather I was known as a billionaire philanthropist.
Oh you know what? Sod it. I am what I am, I'm going through what I'm going through, take it or leave it. I broke the news with this:
Awaiting bailiffs order and son's dad has thrown me a court order. Pants. Spotty, dotty, stripey, all kinds...may as well come clean....
It's not hundreds that commented, it's a few and many of those didn't comment on my message. They sent an email, they telephoned me.
A couple wrote on the comment they didn't know how to help. That's the problem when someone's in a shit situation isn't it, it's hard to know what to do or what to say.
I told them they were helping. The fact that they are there. They don't have to do anything.
Yesterday, three phone calls: One from Canada, one from Denmark and one from Spain.
Thanks guys, it means alot xxx
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Glad to be back?
Amazing break, a real break
Not glad to be back
Letters await me
Can wait until tomorrow
Amazing friends, real friends
still in my heart
My son's holy communion
bought tears to my eyes
Same as bloody EDF
Charging £41 "outstanding payment"
What? On a prepay meter?
Why I'm not opening more letters
One from Downing Street
One from House of Commons
Email from Council
Can wait the bad news....
Lost my charger
It charged off,
it is a mobile after all,
but where?
Tell you
Coming back to the Tower
It's not good to be back
but I'm holding the good in my soul
Thanks guys
Thanks my family
Thanks my beautiful son
Thanks xxx
Not glad to be back
Letters await me
Can wait until tomorrow
Amazing friends, real friends
still in my heart
My son's holy communion
bought tears to my eyes
Same as bloody EDF
Charging £41 "outstanding payment"
What? On a prepay meter?
Why I'm not opening more letters
One from Downing Street
One from House of Commons
Email from Council
Can wait the bad news....
Lost my charger
It charged off,
it is a mobile after all,
but where?
Tell you
Coming back to the Tower
It's not good to be back
but I'm holding the good in my soul
Thanks guys
Thanks my family
Thanks my beautiful son
Thanks xxx
Friday, 28 May 2010
Half Term Haiku
Half term break with friends
my problems I must leave here
or I might lose them
I'll pretend all's good
watch my son play with others
laugh at their mischief
Drink wine with my pals
listen with joy to their tales
Housing? What housing?
my problems I must leave here
or I might lose them
I'll pretend all's good
watch my son play with others
laugh at their mischief
Drink wine with my pals
listen with joy to their tales
Housing? What housing?
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Sitting in the dark
The past couple of days I've been rescued, saved by people I didn't ask to rescue or save me.
My electricity cut out. I was facing the prospect of spending the evening sitting in the dark. I didn't really mind that prospect at the time but... fate had other ideas!
I see my neighbour while I'm outside with Nico Teen and she invites me in to share a bottle of wine. Says my son can watch a dvd in her room. I'm hoping he'll fall asleep while doing so because it's 8pm, he's usually in bed by then. We drink, we chat, we drink, we chat. It's nice.
My mate Charlie texts while I'm there asking if he can come round with a take-away and a couple of beers. Sure but I'm ok for food! I leave my neighbour because by 11pm, my son has not fallen asleep and well, there's school the next day.
Charlie comes round and by torch light we chat, we drink, we chat, we drink until 2am when he goes home.
He says if the electrics aren't back on the following night, to crash at his. I say I'll be alright. "It'll prepare me for living in a fucking hostel when me and my son will be sharing a cell."
Yesterday a supplier came but because an electrician couldn't come until today, we faced another night of getting a take-away and sitting in the eerily silent flat, in the darkness with a torch for me.
I tell my son that Charlie's said we could stay at his and my son says "yes mummy, i'm cold."
That's decided then. I text my friend and decide to take my son out for dinner.
In the freezing, lashing rain I cycle him to Pizza Express. He's a joker even when it's just us two, larking about in restaurants! I thought it was just like that with other kids!
I pop to the loo and when I come out he's chatting to a friend I've not seen for ages. She berates me for not texting her, we can always stay at hers. "Your mummy never asks for help," she says to my son. "What should your mummy do when she's in trouble?" "Call her friends," says my son. "That's right!"
I cycle my son to Charlie's. He's got to go back out to work but his friend is staying over. I put my son in bed and we settle down and watch a DVD together.
Have you see Seven Pounds? Watch Seven Pounds. It's brilliant, it's heart breaking. It's layered and deep. Will Smith is in it as a man who goes round doing incredible acts of kindness for people. I did weep, as did Charlie's friend!
Tonight the leccie's back on. Charlie did invite us to stay another if it wasn't.
If I ever go to a hostel, I will sit in the dark so my son can get to sleep.
But I'm not going to a hostel. I'm going to fight the flipping choices we're being given to the end.
The State as landlord might not be perfect but it's second to my winning the lottery for getting my son a stable home. I am done, I AM DONE with the private sector.
I am not done with any of my friends though. Thank you for your kindness these past couple of days xxx
My electricity cut out. I was facing the prospect of spending the evening sitting in the dark. I didn't really mind that prospect at the time but... fate had other ideas!
I see my neighbour while I'm outside with Nico Teen and she invites me in to share a bottle of wine. Says my son can watch a dvd in her room. I'm hoping he'll fall asleep while doing so because it's 8pm, he's usually in bed by then. We drink, we chat, we drink, we chat. It's nice.
My mate Charlie texts while I'm there asking if he can come round with a take-away and a couple of beers. Sure but I'm ok for food! I leave my neighbour because by 11pm, my son has not fallen asleep and well, there's school the next day.
Charlie comes round and by torch light we chat, we drink, we chat, we drink until 2am when he goes home.
He says if the electrics aren't back on the following night, to crash at his. I say I'll be alright. "It'll prepare me for living in a fucking hostel when me and my son will be sharing a cell."
Yesterday a supplier came but because an electrician couldn't come until today, we faced another night of getting a take-away and sitting in the eerily silent flat, in the darkness with a torch for me.
I tell my son that Charlie's said we could stay at his and my son says "yes mummy, i'm cold."
That's decided then. I text my friend and decide to take my son out for dinner.
In the freezing, lashing rain I cycle him to Pizza Express. He's a joker even when it's just us two, larking about in restaurants! I thought it was just like that with other kids!
I pop to the loo and when I come out he's chatting to a friend I've not seen for ages. She berates me for not texting her, we can always stay at hers. "Your mummy never asks for help," she says to my son. "What should your mummy do when she's in trouble?" "Call her friends," says my son. "That's right!"
I cycle my son to Charlie's. He's got to go back out to work but his friend is staying over. I put my son in bed and we settle down and watch a DVD together.
Have you see Seven Pounds? Watch Seven Pounds. It's brilliant, it's heart breaking. It's layered and deep. Will Smith is in it as a man who goes round doing incredible acts of kindness for people. I did weep, as did Charlie's friend!
Tonight the leccie's back on. Charlie did invite us to stay another if it wasn't.
If I ever go to a hostel, I will sit in the dark so my son can get to sleep.
But I'm not going to a hostel. I'm going to fight the flipping choices we're being given to the end.
The State as landlord might not be perfect but it's second to my winning the lottery for getting my son a stable home. I am done, I AM DONE with the private sector.
I am not done with any of my friends though. Thank you for your kindness these past couple of days xxx
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Thank heavens for friends
I don't oft post about friends, the meetings I have with them, the phone calls that lift me up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not constantly on the blower, the A-Team isn't forever alerting me to lurrrrrrve. I quite bad at neglecting them myself. But really today, I must post something.
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago I was meeting some old girlfriends. Ah, yesterday! At the Tate Modern at midday. It's been so long since we've seen one another that children have grown up, siblings have been born, new babies have come into the world so that now we are all mothers!
No-one looked any older! Twas only yesterday we were grooving on down at the SU Bar, exploiting whiskey promotions and such like.
No-one had changed, everyone had changed, it was the loveliest afternoon scoffing and walking round and chatting and remembering how funny they all were. And generous to boot, for as I took my son to the loo they settled the bill and wouldn't hear of me contributing. How do you say thank you for that?
My son was a superstar; didn't play up being the only child. He'd packed his folder of Match Attacks, a diary and pens, some workbooks, his psp, but was in football heaven when Em gave him all of her son O's Match Attack swaps!! His eyes were like saucers there were so many. In two weekends time she's invited us to stay! Can't wait!
So yesterday I floated home, not even dismayed that the Mayors fireworks got cancelled at the last minute on account of the weather. (It had been really quite heinous, the rain, in the morning, and I muppet mother had forgotten to pack an extra pair of socks for her son so I wrung the pair he was wearing out and he had little choice but to go sockless till we got home... oh well, I never was in the running for Perfect Mother and he was cool so no point crying over soggy sock or whatever the expression is.)
Today we go and meet Ellie and her son at Regents Park. I've seen Ellie recently but it's been ages since our boys have seen each other. Mine was super excited, bouncing off the walls!
She gave me a tenner for my sponsored walk the lovely lovely lovely mamma and I told her of my idea of getting the PM and Competitors to sponsor me. She said 'go for it!' I told her I might cc the local paper.
"Bcc it, it's better no?" she says.
"No I'm going to cc it so the parties don't know."
"Exactly, bcc it! Keep it secret!"
"Doh! Thank God I've met you today!"
I am a person who thinks things through without thinking through things at all.
I am also a person who has very lovely friends.
Aw shucks!
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago I was meeting some old girlfriends. Ah, yesterday! At the Tate Modern at midday. It's been so long since we've seen one another that children have grown up, siblings have been born, new babies have come into the world so that now we are all mothers!
No-one looked any older! Twas only yesterday we were grooving on down at the SU Bar, exploiting whiskey promotions and such like.
No-one had changed, everyone had changed, it was the loveliest afternoon scoffing and walking round and chatting and remembering how funny they all were. And generous to boot, for as I took my son to the loo they settled the bill and wouldn't hear of me contributing. How do you say thank you for that?
My son was a superstar; didn't play up being the only child. He'd packed his folder of Match Attacks, a diary and pens, some workbooks, his psp, but was in football heaven when Em gave him all of her son O's Match Attack swaps!! His eyes were like saucers there were so many. In two weekends time she's invited us to stay! Can't wait!
So yesterday I floated home, not even dismayed that the Mayors fireworks got cancelled at the last minute on account of the weather. (It had been really quite heinous, the rain, in the morning, and I muppet mother had forgotten to pack an extra pair of socks for her son so I wrung the pair he was wearing out and he had little choice but to go sockless till we got home... oh well, I never was in the running for Perfect Mother and he was cool so no point crying over soggy sock or whatever the expression is.)
Today we go and meet Ellie and her son at Regents Park. I've seen Ellie recently but it's been ages since our boys have seen each other. Mine was super excited, bouncing off the walls!
She gave me a tenner for my sponsored walk the lovely lovely lovely mamma and I told her of my idea of getting the PM and Competitors to sponsor me. She said 'go for it!' I told her I might cc the local paper.
"Bcc it, it's better no?" she says.
"No I'm going to cc it so the parties don't know."
"Exactly, bcc it! Keep it secret!"
"Doh! Thank God I've met you today!"
I am a person who thinks things through without thinking through things at all.
I am also a person who has very lovely friends.
Aw shucks!
Thursday, 30 July 2009
What is Time?
It was so good to see Sinja, Tuesday night, yesterday. Yakkety yak, we just talked and talked. An old friend of hers who I didn't remember ("if I saw a photo I might!") had invited her to Canada and something very powerful had happened between them. With my recent experience with old shit school aquaintance, I knew what she was saying without her having to say it.
Yesterday as we hung over the balcony having a fag I remarked how our lives seemed to run on a parallel. Our boys have such similar interests and what with her and me and mental health problems past and present and being stigmums both, it was as though time had no bearing on how we'd get on.
Time! It's years you don't see anyone and it's as though no time has passed. You slide back in so easily. It's like that with the gals from school. Can be years and years before we see one another but in no time it feels like last week.
It's a warm, fuzzy, comforting kind of feeling. If you could bottle it, I'd drink it all day!
Yesterday as we hung over the balcony having a fag I remarked how our lives seemed to run on a parallel. Our boys have such similar interests and what with her and me and mental health problems past and present and being stigmums both, it was as though time had no bearing on how we'd get on.
Time! It's years you don't see anyone and it's as though no time has passed. You slide back in so easily. It's like that with the gals from school. Can be years and years before we see one another but in no time it feels like last week.
It's a warm, fuzzy, comforting kind of feeling. If you could bottle it, I'd drink it all day!
and the winner is.....
ME!!!!!
Next weekend I'm going to the Big Chill festival thanks to my friend Annie. It's fantastic, amazing, utterly, utterly brilliant as I'm going to miss my son, I turned down a lifetime trip to India and we'll be on our way just as I'm aching to see my boy again. It is going to be a blast! Bands, camping, great company come rain, sludge or shine! And for free!!! I've never been to the Big Chill before. Been to the bar in Kings Cross, not the festival in the Malvern Hills!!!
Annie sent an email on facebook a week or so ago saying she had a free plus one ticket, who wanted to go with her? If she had many takers she would put names into a hat. I wrote something daft like 'while the child's away the mamma can play! Put my name on coloured paper, everyone else's on white ho ho ho' and yesterday morning, as Sinja slept off her jetlag, I got the news!!!!!! Her email was headed: "and the winner is......" I was bouncing off the walls!
I have that to look forward to when my son leaves tomorrow and my son to look forward to when I come back. And my my my, it will be bloody glorious to leave London for a few days, hang out with her and her mates and Chill Big time!!
I feel blessed. I do! I do....
Next weekend I'm going to the Big Chill festival thanks to my friend Annie. It's fantastic, amazing, utterly, utterly brilliant as I'm going to miss my son, I turned down a lifetime trip to India and we'll be on our way just as I'm aching to see my boy again. It is going to be a blast! Bands, camping, great company come rain, sludge or shine! And for free!!! I've never been to the Big Chill before. Been to the bar in Kings Cross, not the festival in the Malvern Hills!!!
Annie sent an email on facebook a week or so ago saying she had a free plus one ticket, who wanted to go with her? If she had many takers she would put names into a hat. I wrote something daft like 'while the child's away the mamma can play! Put my name on coloured paper, everyone else's on white ho ho ho' and yesterday morning, as Sinja slept off her jetlag, I got the news!!!!!! Her email was headed: "and the winner is......" I was bouncing off the walls!
I have that to look forward to when my son leaves tomorrow and my son to look forward to when I come back. And my my my, it will be bloody glorious to leave London for a few days, hang out with her and her mates and Chill Big time!!
I feel blessed. I do! I do....
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Excitement
Sinja's coming to London! Sinja's coming to London!
She'll be here soon! She'll be here sooooooooooooooooooon!!
Wa hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
She'll be here soon! She'll be here sooooooooooooooooooon!!
Wa hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
Beautiful friends I have
A couple of weeks ago, my old school friend called saying she's used up all her holiday this year, she's really busy at work, she knows I'll really miss my son when he goes to Ireland, so could she buy me a flight to Goa with her airmiles. She has tons, she told me.
Goa? GOA? INDIA???? I was gobsmacked. I was lost for words. I dreamt of my feet in the sand as waves lick my ankles, I dreamt of India. How incredible would that be?!!! To fly into Mumbai???!!!!!
I'm still gobsmacked to be honest. I'm not going to Goa though. She told me to let her know by last Friday. I er, didn't. Other friends think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy which is why I didn't let her know but I do have to clear out this sess pit. I didn't let her know because how do you let someone know that you're saying no to a dream???? Oh go on, you think I'm crazy too - staying home to sort out my housing instead of a holiday break of a lifetime in a country I've fantasised about visiting. That's fine. I am.
What a beautiful beautiful gift from a beautiful beautiful friend. I don't have to go to thank her. The thought is the gift. Mwah mwah mwah I love you!!! xxx
Goa? GOA? INDIA???? I was gobsmacked. I was lost for words. I dreamt of my feet in the sand as waves lick my ankles, I dreamt of India. How incredible would that be?!!! To fly into Mumbai???!!!!!
I'm still gobsmacked to be honest. I'm not going to Goa though. She told me to let her know by last Friday. I er, didn't. Other friends think I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy which is why I didn't let her know but I do have to clear out this sess pit. I didn't let her know because how do you let someone know that you're saying no to a dream???? Oh go on, you think I'm crazy too - staying home to sort out my housing instead of a holiday break of a lifetime in a country I've fantasised about visiting. That's fine. I am.
What a beautiful beautiful gift from a beautiful beautiful friend. I don't have to go to thank her. The thought is the gift. Mwah mwah mwah I love you!!! xxx
My old old friend is coming to stay!!
She's on her way from Heathrow to mine as I post this!! She's just called to say she's landed!! It is amazing, unbelievable, magic!! I haven't seen her for, what, eight years??????!!!!!
I worked with her in Japan. When I travelled home overland I stopped off in Denmark to see her. I didn't see her again for years until work sent me to Copenhagen so I grabbed a couple of days holiday to hang out with her. She's a single mum like me now, neither of us can afford to go and see the other. A friend of hers bought her a ticket to Canada and she's on her way home, 24 hour stop over in London! Her son's not with her, which is a shame, as mine's with me and they're a year apart, but WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Can't wait to hug her!!!!
I worked with her in Japan. When I travelled home overland I stopped off in Denmark to see her. I didn't see her again for years until work sent me to Copenhagen so I grabbed a couple of days holiday to hang out with her. She's a single mum like me now, neither of us can afford to go and see the other. A friend of hers bought her a ticket to Canada and she's on her way home, 24 hour stop over in London! Her son's not with her, which is a shame, as mine's with me and they're a year apart, but WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Can't wait to hug her!!!!
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