One Night

This new label, One Night, refers to last Thursday night when I bought my son home from school and I really needed a wee. I went, barely anything, but pain, then five minutes later, the need to go again and within half an hour, not wanting to go, for fear of that pain and then

fear

of all kinds of things

and anger

at all kinds of things

but most of all

the cruel coincidence

that I'd had sex for the first time in fucking ages (don't forgive the pun) and it couldn't be just the good, clean, positive, fun that it was could it?? No.

It's going to be a big label. I think. I don't know.
I was so scared that Thursday night, I felt I had no-one to talk to, felt I had no-one to call and of course, things just rush rush rush into your head that makes you THANK GOD for TRASH TV (Sorry 'benders, you're not trash)

I thought I had cystitus...maybe I do...never had anything like anything before so no idea. Anyway, this thought made me think of sex and the past of course, LOVES to rear it's head. Pissed off are you Rape label that I won't put anything about me on you again? This post definitely the last, definitely, where rape associates with my experience OK?

See, the search for blame...you look everywhere...and the search got really dark after I saw my water was pink and my paper was clotted and it wasn't my period.

My one night stand was just a night, and a morning too. THIS LABEL IS NOT ABOUT THAT, though I will write about it (Hey, ye Who Said I Was Hot, you could be anyone, just like me, so don't sweat it, I just regret writing that I told you I wrote a blog but you didn't ask for the link so guessed you were alright with me writing about you. I wasn't going to write about you anymore than I did. I wasn't. Now who knows when I'll stop. Your fault for being a positive experience.)

This label is about being alone. Being alone with thoughts you can't share with anyone. It's all retrospective of course now, but not really. As I write this, nothing is clear, so writing some things will be really difficult. It's out there. Are they self fulfilling prophecies? What am I creating? I've got to turn that fear which is beneath everything at the moment, into something positive.

This label is about Thursday night which led to Friday morning, where I went to the doctor, which I have to post about, which I don't want to, but what you resist persists God said in those Conversations.

The label has to end on a good note. I've too much blogging experience now to know that it's dangerous to take people on a journey with you... be it to a council flat or to the dentist, although I did take you on my stop smoking journey and it's a year tomorrow that I stopped - Yippee!! Shall I celebrate with you Nico Teen? Awfully hard writing all this...NO! No I shan't! Al Cohol....?

Can't. I'm on antibiotics for a week, my pee sample's been sent to the lab. I will know the result, but you won't, reader. It's an opportunity for me

An opportunity for me to do what stigs?

Well we don't know, do we, self elected leaders of the party that we are.

We just know that things we wanted to write that aren't part of the label will come under the label and that you will know it's over when I write REPENT.

Sunday after the Friday before...The day I asked the angel cards what I can do and the card I got back was from Angel Gabriel, saying he was with me, and to follow the signs... I did that and was told to REPENT.

You lead Gabes, I'll follow...

(and look out for signs!)

Batten Down The Hatches

Batten down the hatches: Idiom

to prepare yourself for a difficult period by protecting yourself in every possible way
Usage notes: When there is a storm, ships batten down the hatches (= close the doors to the outside) as protection against bad weather.
(http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/batten+down+the+hatches)

How do you do it? How do you batten down them hatches?

I use Al Cohol.

I used to do it with Nico Teen but these days it seems...

Tuesday, c'mon, I'd just sent off a somewhat tongue in cheek but also tragic article about my own personal circumstances and a picture of me to fully illustrate the point I was making.

Thirsty work that. Still don't know what response I might get. It was brave, what I did and I always toast my bravery (always? hic!)

Thursday the piece came out. Oh stiggers, what a big nose you have!
All the better to sniff out injustice my dear!

I was on a high. I had a Parent Council training session to go to followed by a Christmas party and I was just really happy, I guess.

Not even the Polish mother could burst my balloon though she very nearly did. A Daily Mail dream that one but I'm not going to write about her (again). It bothers me, that's all I'll say when people have got what they want and still find room to complain when their own country don't offer half what ours does (although the coalition is seeing to that) Not all Polish mothers are the same, Mistress Ha Ha's one but hopefully I don't need to tell you that. She's got more points than me again though..oh don't get me started...

Later that day, the school Christmas disco!! I'm looking after Juggling Mum's boy as her daughter's got a show elsewhere and supping beer with other parents as the boys..where are the boys..oh the boys are alright!

I drop off Juggling Mum's boy and she invites us in for some pasta. Oh wow: "I was going to take him to the Golden Arches," I accept, beaming and oh yes, I'd love a glass of wine!

On the way home, I buy another bottle. Cheap stuff from the corner shop.

When the Foca left me and I cried down a bottle and ended up puking, with my one year old oblivious in his cot, I swore I wouldn't drink alone. And I didn't. For years.

Nico Teen's gone now though.

On Thursday night I knew I had to send my article to the housing minister, shadow housing minister and deputy prime minister (glug glug) and I did that.

The next day, the next morning, I did that. I sent my article to the housing minister, the shadow housing minister and the deputy prime minister altogether under the caption "who cares?"

Oh hells bells, it's Christmas.,, I'll detox in January....

...hic!

Alcohol and Spiritual emergencies

You don't need me to tell you they don't go well together.
Alcohol suppresses the healing that wishes to surface.
So the hurtful emotions and feelings inside you grow and multiply and in time harden (I stashed whisky in my room at school, anaethetise angst)

I really want a cigarette

No I don't

I don't want booze either though, aaaaah, it is rather lovely, so much so I can't stop when I start

God says (and I know I'm banging on about it but Conversations with God bk 2 is good though I'm not telling you to read it, or maybe I am..) God says:

"You cannot hold in "you," because you are as boundless as the Universe. Yet you can create a concept about your boundless self by imagining, and then accepting boundaries" (p.13)

The problem when your boundaries are too tight (I say) is that "You", who you have been suppressing eventually breaks out. Doctors call it a break down. Spiritualists call it a crisis or emergency.

That's why a drinker shouldn't drink, should just allow that whole breaking out process. (I'm really thirsty)

God says you've got to be 'out of your mind' to experience True Awareness (wish I could find the page).

I've been 'out of my mind' a few times and it is great and now I know it was bought on by a 'spiritual crisis' well..I want it to happen again!

I better stop this post before you start thinking I'm mad.

I'm not, I'm just really spent

I'm going to go and imagine I'm having a moment with Nico Teen and then, and then I don't know. Try and build myself up, slowly slowly, so I can make it rhrough the doors of that school on Sunday..

"If ya gonna do it, you've got to go the whole hog," said my mate Charlie when he popped round the other day to charge his laptop.
"How do you mean?" I said.
"Confidence," he replied
"...."
"Look, if your not doing nothing, come down to the cafe with us now. Scotland's Only Son is there, a few others. Come, have a cup of tea."

So I did that, and it was good.

Stress Skipping

It is not that I don't enjoy stuffing myself with crisps and biscuits and cakes and sweets because I do, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't

Aargh!

Stressed? I used to smoke
Stressed? I now reach for sugar (in pastry form for added fat)
Stressed? I'm going to start skipping (meals ha ha! Only joking...I can't for a start...)

Blogging, for example. Today, case in point. I want (want stiggers?) to talk about benefits. My response in the face of something so difficult used to be to smoke and smoke and smoke here at my computer. Now, it's to..crikey, anything, to stall the inevitable... The upshot though is that I'm putting on weight and it's not funny because I'm growing out of my clothes.

So, I found the rope that I bought, oooh, pre-son. I never use it. Always mean to of course. To hang myself with heh heh, only kidding!!!

I've done 50 skips already this morning on my balcony (I tripped three times and was knackered by the end).
In a minute, if I am so inclined to eat I will do 50 more.
The advantage is that I drink water afterwards and I do need to drink more water, and not with a teabag dash of milk and two sugars.
Maybe start to drink Green Tea.
Yes, I advised you to do that and haven't been doing it myself....

Anyway, worth a shot isn't it
If it rains, well 50 sit ups!
If I don't like the thought of any of that, I'll just have to learn to relax
Relax
Relax
Breathe in
Breathe out
Relax
And perhaps choose more wisely what to write about....
Hmmm

Cigarette moment haiku

Cigarette moments
come after you quit your drug
but still need to breathe

Must say, it is safe
and incredibly pleasant
I just close my eyes

I don't miss smoking
I remember it fondly
but never for long

Plans put in place at parties

I met a human rights lawyer at the weekend, at my friend's Eurovision song contest party.

Azerbaijan sang victorious. Azarbaijan???? Well, Blue didn't stand a chance really and nor did Jedward when you consider all these countries vote for their neighbours.

So, a human rights lawyer was there. I told her I'd given up with lawyers, but I was going to go to my MP, one last time on housing issues, to ask him for "the statutory instrument" I need to change an anomoly in the housing allocation policy.

Human rights lawyer told I might have a case for discrimination. Her own organisation couldn't help because they deal more with discrimination issues based on race or mental health.

But, she said, Liberty might take it. Contact them, she urged me.

I will. Not today but I will.

My housing plans are the reasons I want to stop blogging.
My housing plans were the reason I started in the first place.
Will I get a council flat? I asked two years ago.
No, was the answer I gave you.

That was a blow, if I'm honest.

I've come back though.
Did she ever get the £283m, a reader might ask.
Did she ever manage to change the policy on allocating homeless people? a reader might ask.
You know, I might succeed with these things. Follow me on this journey to success so I may show you that hanging on to hope brings its rewards...

Geez, I took you on my dentist journey believing I'd be telling you teeth can be saved and don't be frightened.
That was another blow, if I'm honest.

It's all so bloody negative. This life, our lives, some of us...

I quit smoking. After 25 years I quit smoking.

It's here, on blogspot, my one success out of all the challenges I set myself.

That's no blow. If I can do it so can you.

I want to quit blogspot on a hopeful note

Is that so hard?

Why is that so hard?

Do I surrender? Admit defeat?

I don't want a cigarette but at least I can have a cigarette moment

Plans put in place at parties...

Breathe in, exhale

royal Anniversaries

Today, the 29th April 2011, is the third month anniversary of my stopping smoking!!
Oh the country is celebrating, got out the bunting, donning hats and flags at this tremendous event ha ha ha!

I watched it on the telly in my pyjamas, Annie watched it in bed, my neice watched it at home with her mum and my nephew headed down to the Mall with his school mates! Good place to be I reckon!

The marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton, now Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was beautiful! The solemnity, the majesty, the hymns! Less of pomp and more of ceremony, I tell ya, my cup of tea tasted good!

Today is a Royal Anniversary for the country, for they did look pretty handsome those two!

Two kisses! Aw thanks!

The 29th of any month is a royal anniversary for me!

Wee hee! We hold what we love in our hearts, ey son?!

Tips when undergoing Tooth Extraction post Root Canal Failure

If you work, take the day off.

Two injections and you'll be so numb you won't feel a thing

so

Stay calm.

Close your eyes

When you hear a crack and the dentist say "I knew this would happen" stay calm.

If you taste your blood, stay calm

When he asks his assistant for the drill, stay calm

If you're not wearing ear plugs listening to heavy metal you may find the noise of your jaw being excavated for safe retrieval of bone somewhat disturbing.

Repeat: EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until it is all finished and your dentist tells you to "bite down" on a swab.

You'll be given a piece of paper telling you what to do in the event that excessive bleeding occurs. Continue to tell yourself that everything will be alright.

It will tell you to NOT drink Al Cohol for 24 hours and to avoid Nico Teen. The latter is hard, I never could in the past when my wisdom teeth were extracted so I cannot advise I'm afraid. I can think about it now without getting wound up and aggravated. Ah Nico Teen! See?!

The piece of paper tells you to "ideally rest by sitting in a chair". If it is a beautiful warm day and you are fortunate to have an outdoor space, hand your child some chalk and tell him or her to draw on the concrete tiles.

Accept what has happened.

You can always save your anger for another day or, I dunno, blog about it!

Build up your strength.

Be good to yourself

Read some Chick-lit (free in Cosmopolitan!)

Mags don't do Dude-lit do they?

Rinse your mouth out with salty water after every time you eat and keep taking the paracetamol if your jaw hurts two days later.

It's not joyous, have to say but when my son said that "Dentists are hell mummy," I said to him: "No darling, dentists are hellthy."

He knows the meaning of the word, no need to spell it out really

heh heh...

Sugar Sugar...!

I have given up crisps and biscuits for Lent and you know, it's going really well! Yeah, I get the odd craving for Mini Cheddars, Squares, regular Cheese and Onion but I let the feeling pass!

Yes, I let the feeling pass

into

Cake.
Exceedingly moorish ones where after the first two I can't taste the flavour anymore so why do I pop the other four into my mouth in speedy succession
Doughnuts
Oozy jam ones. I buy two, one for me and one for my son but eat mine on the quiet then eat his telling him I bought him crisps instead (which I gaze at lovingly now he likes my favourite flavours)
Tangfastics
Oh that feeling when you eat and eat and can't stop and your heart is beating mad mad madly and your brow begins to sweat... oh yeah

I'm not comfort eating, apparently. According to James Duigan (Elle Super Model Super Bod Macpherson's personal trainer don't you know!) I am stress eating.
Do you stress eat? Fun isn't it! Perhaps not... Perhaps so! Perhaps not...

James has a Clean & Lean Diet that incorporates an 8 minute workout. I've never gone on a diet, diets have just gone on me (the High Stress one, not bad if you want to drop a dress size...)

James says if you don't think you can stay off alcohol for two weeks the book's not for you... oh

Al Cohol... Budvar! Sugar sugar! Al Cohol.. My candy boy!
Chewy sweets OH...



Oh Nico Teen, I am so over you

but my Cream jeans don't fit anymore...

Cigarette moments

I've got one. A cigarette moment. It's not painful, it doesn't ache, just I fancy a little hit which I know now to be a little choke, and I ride a bike and choke alot behind traffic and so decided that although I like hits, I don't like choking.

I've got a cigarette moment because I always used to think what to write in my real cigarette moments. Breathed in inspiration, breathed out ordered ideas - or so I thought, or so I think, I can't actually remember.

There's so much I can write on blogspot
That's why I'm writing this
Because you are not going to get anything I thought about writing this morning
Like the Volunteers party last night where I was given a certificate by way of thanks for my help
Or having to take the bus there because my son really is now too big for the baby seat on the back of the bike
I don't know what to write because I don't want to write what I will be writing - about more rent arrears.
Oh Fun! Don't you just love it?!
Housing. Stigs is obsessed.

A cigarette moment is also a good thing to write because I have finally bought a card to say thank you to the man who got me a free session at the Alan Carr clinic.

It's got a picture of a woman on the front, writing in a cafe, with a fag in her hand.

That was me once, that was me a couple of months ago.

I wonder what I'm going to write inside it, aside from 'thanks, I don't miss it.'

Because I don't. Not really. Not ever if I don't think about it. A thought hardly ever.

Let me go and make a cup of tea

Or maybe just post that post about rent arrears to get it over and done with....

This was a very pleasant cigarette moment.

Thank you.

Lent

Today begins the religious festival (festival? We got that right stigs? What's festive about being cast out in the desert denying yourself all the lovely things you like?)

Today begins Lent. Forty days of giving up something you enjoy. Denial of what tempts, "self-sacrifice" I heard some priest say on the telly...

As good excuse as any, says the School of Doris, to change something. A bit like a new year's resolution, but it's only for 40 days, not forever.

Perfect timing for me.

I'm going to give up crisps (esp Mini Cheddars) and biscuits. "Unhealthy snacking".

My son has given up sweets. I have not given up sweets but the dentist yesterday said not to eat anything "hard" because my "tooth might break".

(This is quite scary. When I didn't know I was pregnant my tooth broke on a cracker. This fact may keep me away from sweets, especially toffees...)

I am also comfort eating. Alot. I do not miss cigarettes and my taste for alcohol has kind of vanished aswell. But last night while watching "Neighbourhood Watched" about social housing, I ate half the box of Maltesers I bought for me and my child. On my right side, so as not to break the tooth on the left (which still needs more work oh mamma mia...)

I'm telling myself a Malteser is a biscuit so I don't finish the box right now
Right now
Right this minute
Eat them all up!!
Finish them all off!!

Because I want to
My goodness I so want to.

You see, Lent doesn't have to be about religion but it can be if you want it to be!

One month not smoking anniversary

The dentist told me my teeth were 'very stained'.
Yes, I'd noticed...
I've noticed too much.
On my third week not smoking anniversary I celebrated by having a cigarette.
I know...
Couldn't help myself though. I'd found someone to baby sit so I could attend a friend's birthday party and when I got home I asked him if he had any fags left and he said: "Yes, two."
I said: "Ooh, maybe I shouldn't have one then if you've only got two."
"It's ok," he said.
"Shall we go out onto the balcony then?!"
A fag's a fag isn't it? It tasted like a fag. I was pissed though and wanted another. Good job he had none left.
The next day though I noticed my jaw ache hadn't gone away.
Annoying, I couldn't lean on my chin for more than half a minute without thinking my jaw was about to crumble.
Was going to book an appointment with the dentish but you know how things are, you don't get round to it.
Then half term I was in agony. My teeth were hurting.
Booked myself an emergency appointment last Friday, at my dentist but not my dentist.
I went this morning.
Wasted flipping journey. They don't read the notes, I dunno, but I've got to go back at 3 when he's got half an hour to start a flipping root canal. I did not expect that. I was not told to expect that. Might have been good if he could've done it there and then but he didn't know he had to. So I've the afternoon to get scared.

I am greater than the sum of my parts
You are greater than the sum of your parts.

Oh Nico Teen, I'd love you now but only because I hate myself
No you don't
No I don't.
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" says Cainer as I munch on a bag of crisps.
Did he say that to you too?

I need to start making changes
Pinch Punch first day of the month
A Punch and a Kick for being so Quick

I need to start making changes NOW

Good times without Nico Teen

My first party without Nico Teen on Friday night

Wanted to blog about this yesterday but couldn't. Aaargh. Couldn't. Still can't if I'm honest. Aargh.

Such a fab party twas too! Kelly's Big One. Had to dress up as a Tube station. What a laugh! All them Angels, that amazing Bank in her gold figure hugging jumpsuit with notes pinned to her.
Skinner went in school uniform, Grange Hill! Her husband as a clown - Piccadilly Circus! Hornchurch was there and the Seven Sisters. It was a while before I got Maida Vale - doh! Her maid's outfit and veil on her head! Blackfriars, Cockfosters and Greenford; so many stations there!

Me, I went as Bow!

Still can't write about this, so much to say (dancing to Meatloaf with the smokers I met on the way in!)

In this post you are witnessing the struggle between me and Stiggers.

It's not flowing as it usually flowwwwwwws.

Also wanted to tell you about the lovely brunch I just shared with Em and Hus at The York and Albany. Yes! A Monsieur Ramsay restaurant! Passable it was too! (I say passable, I had the full english and well, lovely as it was, I get it all in with tea included down the caf for a quarter of the price) Still, fantastic to be with such fantastic friends in the kind of upmarket restaurant you don't often see me in these days!

I see from what I've just written that I can tell you anything I want to.

Why we struggling stigs?

And, oh, smoking? It's cool. Now and then I think of it with a fond tug to my heart but to be honest, I hardly think of it at all.
Parties are no different without it! (Is that you saying that or me stiggers?)

Sisters doing it for themselves

The Master was away again this week. Mistress Dancer spoke to him just before class started.
With eight of us Mistresses there, we decided to give ourselves a class anyway!

It was not the same as with the Master, of course it wasn't, but it was cool. I was wheezing after the kicking routines we do. Wheezing! I stopped smoking near two weeks ago!

One scary part of Carr's book, or definitely the bit that put the fear in me back in 2006 when I stopped is when he says:

"A cough is one of nature's fail-safe methods of dispelling foreign matter from the lungs. The cough itself is not a disease; it is just a symptom. When smokers cough it is because their lungs are trying to dispel cancer triggering tars and poisons. When they do not cough those tars and poisons remain in their lungs, and that is when they cause cancer (my italics)" (p.73 Easyway Book)

I never coughed. If I did cough it was because everyone else in the country had the same virus, regardless of whether they smoked or not.

Mistress Mountain said I'd start coughing soon.

What a wheeze ey? What a wheeze! The class I mean heh heh!

Oh the play on words! Zen Boot Camp does that; it puts you in a positive mood!

(Was tempted, have to say, to have a quick puff on Mistress La Francaise's fag after class. Ya know, what's the harm?! One little drag! I am pleased to report I refrained and it wasn't very hard!)

Nicoteen Replacement Binges

"Beware of CATS," said the man in the coffee shop this morning.
"Huh?" I'd just been telling him and the guy who works there that I'd been bingeing on sweets, crisps, cakes... and everytime I needed a little hit, I made myself a little expresso.
"My yoga instructor told us to beware of CATS," he continued. "Caffeine, Alcohol, Tobacco, Sugar"

I have not desired Al Cohol since that stop session. I've not really desired Nicoteen to be honest, it's been a pretty painless withdrawal.

I knew I might have a problem with sugar because even as a smoker I was very fond of sweets! Biscuits! Cakes! Chocolate! Yummmm!

Last week's little binge session started quite innocently with a teaspoon in the nutella jar.

Now I don't have fags, I really must stop buying all the wrong snacks in the supermarket. I don't want to put on weight but I do want to maintain the weight I am. I do not want to replace all my clothes. There is no cash to replace all my clothes, I only spent £!5 a week on my addiction, not very much at all compared to the ready rolled gang.

Allen Carr wrote "The easyweigh to lose weight".

There might be some tips in there.

Meanwhile I have to find different ways of quelling the fire in my belly.

And you are who, pumpkin?

An email in my inbox this morning, subject: Re:
No idea who the person is but opened it because I'm curious like that.
"Hi Nicky21"
Hmmm, wrong number.

I'll share the message though because it made me laugh as I adapt to my new life as a non smoker! I haven't forwarded it to any friends though in case it's a virus. I've had to delete it, junk. I also am very wary of chain emails and don't really like them as a rule. This one hasn't promised me anything though, it doesn't promise you anything either!

From one pumpkin to another!!!!!!!
A woman was asked by a coworker,
'What is it like to be a Christian?'
The coworker replied,
'It is like being a pumpkin.'
God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you.
Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.
He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed.
Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.'
This was passed on to me by another pumpkin.
Now it's your turn to pass it to other pumpkins.
liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

Me and stigs would trade 'Christian' for 'Member of the School of Doris', but that's just us!

New beauty routine

Cleanse
Tone
Moisturise
No cigarette!!

I spy with my little eye this morning that crows have come a perching on my face, up by the top of my cheekbones, they've left traces of their footsteps.

Did they peer into my soul I wonder?
What did they see?
That I too am a bird (of sorts!)?
That we can all fly higher than the dreams we dare to live?
Is that what I want to see?
Is that what I know?

"You're glowing"

The Master said it first:
"Did you stop smoking?"
"Yeah! On Saturday!"
"You can tell, you're really glowing."
"Really?!" Didn't feel glowing but why ruin the compliment!

Mistress La Francaise noticed too. We were together for the punching and she said 'you can really notice the whites of your eyes, zey are really white. It can't just be that, the fags, can it?"
"I dunno! Oh I want you to go to the clinic too, it's great!"

I wish I could describe the class to you, the discipline we're taught, the knowledge we're fed about our own bodies, as we stretch them this way then that, or power a kick this way or that, go from plank to push up plank to push up up in fluid movements.

I'm finally getting the hang of it, something's clicked in my mind, and I'm loving it!

Me and Mistress Ha Ha (most powerful I'd say of the troupe (and I felled her today!!) are going to stand outside schools next week and try and recruit more Women to the Academy.

If you see us, come along!

Desire for a familiar enemy

I wanted a cigarette this morning. I really did. I was singing Britney's 'hit me baby one more time' to Nico Teen.

I asked myself why I wanted a fag when I didn't really want a fag. I wasn't feeling stressed you see. Yesterday went well with the support worker, he told me I wouldn't be evicted in April, that my tenancy was safe.

Familiarity I decided. I wanted to sit quietly with 'old virginia because well, we've been through tough times together, she understands me!

Fortunate therefore that it was Zen Boot Camp today. Fantastic class. Partnered with Mistress La Francaise at the end, couldn't resist telling her: "hit me baby one more time!"

Master 's boom box sang out the Specials - a Message for Mistress - "Stop ya messin' around!"

It was ACE! Crikey, when was the last time I said ACE?!

Can't remember!! Maybe last week but not on blogspot!

No taste for a cigarette

I know what fear tastes like. I know what fury tastes like. I know what desire tastes like.
It's a thirst -that even water cannot quench

Having a cigarette now would undo the amazing feelings of a few days ago.
The nausea yesterday afternoon was 99% of nicoteen leaving my body (sheet given to us by clinic - 48 hours after quitting)

When you stop smoking you have no alternative but to be strong because shit comes flying whether you want it to or not.

Don't give this country the satisfaction of killing yourself.

Rise above yourself instead.