We're not packing to move house this time
I don't want to leave
Half term though (already!)
a good time to go
I didn't give myself time
after the breakdown
As soon as I felt strong, well
back to blogging!!
This began as a casestudy
It began as dumping ground
A casestudy about a statutorily homeless mother on benefits
A dumping ground for me so I didn't dump on my friends
My sixteen year old self is awake though
Doesn't want me to be writing this stuff
I have to listen to her
Reconnect
This blog is actually a love story
It's one person supporting another
It's what you have to do
I have to make a break
Re-union
Re-pair
Re-member
My-self
Showing posts with label Reboot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reboot. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Friday, 3 February 2012
Waking up to oneself - a re-union
My one night stand was a catalyst for change, but the catalyst actually began at the school reunion. where I felt something dark flutter inside me when I passed my old bedroom. The dark flutter turned out to be 16 year old me.
Here's what I wrote, a morning after a night where tears came from the bank of nowhere that has no depth that we can reach. The Foca had left me eight years before.
She's woken up and realised the boy she loved is the father of her child and is devastated it hasn't worked out.
So I find myself grieving for my relationship all over again and so powerfully.
I have let him go before
I have to let him go again and I don't want to.
He's married now, I tell myself. It's ok, he's happy and he never really knew how to look after you anyway. He could only ever be your friend. That's how it is sometimes. I know it hurts but better to have loved, even for an instant, than never having loved before
Be happy what you felt was real
and you have a beautiful son
He's lucky I loved him
He's lucky you loved him.
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November 2011)
This might seem a bit crazy but the one night stand I had was the first proper, healthy, sexual experience of me being with myself, connected to myself. Well no, Luke from (can't call it)Shit School was, post sex therapy, but I dumped him for accepting me didn't I.....
I'd told my past life regression therapist when I saw her the second and last session, admitted for the first time, that I didn't know how to do 'love'. I didn't know how to do 'intimacy'. One of my friends can't do love or intimacy either so I know I'm not alone.
That reunion was the catalyst for me to start my life over again, stronger within myself.
He Who Said I Was Hot was sent to tell me, sent to show me, what I either didn't know, or what I had forgotten.
If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back
(22nd November, straight after the above)
I will rest until I'm stronger
hopefully it won't take long
(Still thinking the same thing today...though I know now I'm on a forward path)
Tell yourself you are on a forward path
Connect with yourself. if you are not already connected
You are the very beginning of everything
Don't be scared, simply trust.
(Gee, big one stigs!)
Here's what I wrote, a morning after a night where tears came from the bank of nowhere that has no depth that we can reach. The Foca had left me eight years before.
She's woken up and realised the boy she loved is the father of her child and is devastated it hasn't worked out.
So I find myself grieving for my relationship all over again and so powerfully.
I have let him go before
I have to let him go again and I don't want to.
He's married now, I tell myself. It's ok, he's happy and he never really knew how to look after you anyway. He could only ever be your friend. That's how it is sometimes. I know it hurts but better to have loved, even for an instant, than never having loved before
Be happy what you felt was real
and you have a beautiful son
He's lucky I loved him
He's lucky you loved him.
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November 2011)
This might seem a bit crazy but the one night stand I had was the first proper, healthy, sexual experience of me being with myself, connected to myself. Well no, Luke from (can't call it)Shit School was, post sex therapy, but I dumped him for accepting me didn't I.....
I'd told my past life regression therapist when I saw her the second and last session, admitted for the first time, that I didn't know how to do 'love'. I didn't know how to do 'intimacy'. One of my friends can't do love or intimacy either so I know I'm not alone.
That reunion was the catalyst for me to start my life over again, stronger within myself.
He Who Said I Was Hot was sent to tell me, sent to show me, what I either didn't know, or what I had forgotten.
If you give freely with no expectation
you won't be disappointed when you don't get anything back
(22nd November, straight after the above)
I will rest until I'm stronger
hopefully it won't take long
(Still thinking the same thing today...though I know now I'm on a forward path)
Tell yourself you are on a forward path
Connect with yourself. if you are not already connected
You are the very beginning of everything
Don't be scared, simply trust.
(Gee, big one stigs!)
Happy Endings
I said at the start of this One Night label that taking you on my journeys was dangerous. Didn't get the council flat, root canal ended how I didn't want it too. Did give up smoking though, I said.
You know what I forgot?
Reunions!!
I took you on that journey!!
That did end well!!
Shit brick absolutely terrified of returning to such unhappy memories but went ahead anyway.
I was reunited with my sixteen year old self who I'd abandoned there!
So you see, there is such a thing as happy endings and I shouldn't be afraid of taking you on journeys because they won't necessarily turn out badly or negatively.
That's the beauty of blogging, the beauty of labelling posts. It's told me there is such a thing as a happy ending.
I was able to let go of that past, the weight of it released with one act of bravery. I am still tempted to write some of the lessons I learnt from that reunion experience, because I don't know who it might help my sharing them, but I do know it will help me. I think I got interrupted by something else when I was on the subject of the subsequent breakdown. Not all breakdowns are bad for you though they feel it at the time!
This One Night label will have a happy ending because I'm not going to see it through to the end with you, I will end it as positively as stigs and I are able to end it before moving forward.
Have faith in yourself
You know what I forgot?
Reunions!!
I took you on that journey!!
That did end well!!
Shit brick absolutely terrified of returning to such unhappy memories but went ahead anyway.
I was reunited with my sixteen year old self who I'd abandoned there!
So you see, there is such a thing as happy endings and I shouldn't be afraid of taking you on journeys because they won't necessarily turn out badly or negatively.
That's the beauty of blogging, the beauty of labelling posts. It's told me there is such a thing as a happy ending.
I was able to let go of that past, the weight of it released with one act of bravery. I am still tempted to write some of the lessons I learnt from that reunion experience, because I don't know who it might help my sharing them, but I do know it will help me. I think I got interrupted by something else when I was on the subject of the subsequent breakdown. Not all breakdowns are bad for you though they feel it at the time!
This One Night label will have a happy ending because I'm not going to see it through to the end with you, I will end it as positively as stigs and I are able to end it before moving forward.
Have faith in yourself
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
"You have no self esteem"
On Friday night I had a one night stand.
I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.
"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."
"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."
"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."
"What? No I don't. Do I?
"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"
"Er..."
"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."
"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."
"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."
"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."
"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.
"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."
You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?
He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.
Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.
"You're moving forward," said Jo.
"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."
Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.
And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."
Me!
I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.
(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)
I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.
"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."
"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."
"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."
"What? No I don't. Do I?
"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"
"Er..."
"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."
"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."
"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."
"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."
"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.
"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."
You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?
He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.
Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.
"You're moving forward," said Jo.
"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."
Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.
And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."
Me!
I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.
(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Healing processes
No-one ever said a healing process was easy
(Taken from notebook 20th November 2011)
No-one said a healing process was quick either
(Taken from notebook 20th November 2011)
No-one said a healing process was quick either
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Let Me Bring You Down Today - Song
Don't look at me
Every day is not wonderful
Suddenly so hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
I’m not beautiful no matter what you say
Words can bring me down
I’m not beautiful in any single way
Yes, words can bring me down, oh yes
So let me bring you down today
To all my friends I’m not delirious
Not consumed in all my doom
Tryin' hard to blog the emptiness, the peace is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?
'Cause you’re not beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down, oh yeah
You aren’t beautiful in any single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
Let me bring you down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of trashing mistakes)
(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will never shine)
The sun will never, never shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what I say
Yes, words will bring us down, oh yeah
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
So let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
(Christina Aguilera featuring Stigmum. This song's been on the radio alot recently so I'd just like to say, if you are a self hater, please befriend yourself, you need to know one person on your side oh and listen to the original)
Every day is not wonderful
Suddenly so hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
I’m not beautiful no matter what you say
Words can bring me down
I’m not beautiful in any single way
Yes, words can bring me down, oh yes
So let me bring you down today
To all my friends I’m not delirious
Not consumed in all my doom
Tryin' hard to blog the emptiness, the peace is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?
'Cause you’re not beautiful no matter what they say
Words can bring you down, oh yeah
You aren’t beautiful in any single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
Let me bring you down today
No matter what we do
No matter what we do
(No matter what we say)
No matter what we say
(We're the song that's outta tune)
(Full of trashing mistakes)
(And everywhere we go)
And everywhere we go
(The sun will never shine)
The sun will never, never shine!
(But tomorrow we might awake on the other side)
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what I say
Yes, words will bring us down, oh yeah
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, blogs can bring you down, oh yeah
So let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
Let me bring you down today
(Christina Aguilera featuring Stigmum. This song's been on the radio alot recently so I'd just like to say, if you are a self hater, please befriend yourself, you need to know one person on your side oh and listen to the original)
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Self Possession
It appears I have been haunting myself, on and off, for the best part of a quarter of a century.
Brings new meaning to the phrase
Self Possessed
Next time somebody tells you you are very self possessed say
ha ha ha ha ha ha........boo!
Tres drole Stiggers, tres drole
(Taken from Notebook 20 November)
Brings new meaning to the phrase
Self Possessed
Next time somebody tells you you are very self possessed say
ha ha ha ha ha ha........boo!
Tres drole Stiggers, tres drole
(Taken from Notebook 20 November)
Food or Heating or Past Life Regression Therapy?
Past Life Regression therapy is expensive
£60
I don't have £60
I have a bank account with the number indicating a rise, another rise, yet another rise with a - next to it as it sinks, sinks, sinks into the red hot lava of oh fucking hell....
I laugh as I tell my doctor. I can't do any of it, it's all on debt, it's not about choosing food or heating or past life regression or or... or... Christmas
Christmas
You know what?
Fuck it
Fuck the overdraft
It's no kind of life worrying about money
With any luck Sir Camelot will appear over the horizon and pour Gold into my bank balance
Oh that past life healing was available on the NHS, but it never will be will it because pharmaceutical companies cannot profit from it so have nothing to gain saving countless lives.
(Taken from Notebook though not in original format 20 November)
Repeat after me
I am a millionaire
I am a millionaire
I am a millionaire
£60
I don't have £60
I have a bank account with the number indicating a rise, another rise, yet another rise with a - next to it as it sinks, sinks, sinks into the red hot lava of oh fucking hell....
I laugh as I tell my doctor. I can't do any of it, it's all on debt, it's not about choosing food or heating or past life regression or or... or... Christmas
Christmas
You know what?
Fuck it
Fuck the overdraft
It's no kind of life worrying about money
With any luck Sir Camelot will appear over the horizon and pour Gold into my bank balance
Oh that past life healing was available on the NHS, but it never will be will it because pharmaceutical companies cannot profit from it so have nothing to gain saving countless lives.
(Taken from Notebook though not in original format 20 November)
Repeat after me
I am a millionaire
I am a millionaire
I am a millionaire
Past Life Regression Healing
I thought I had a gremlin, or some kind of malevolent spirit living inside me and I told the healer to get rid of it, get rid of this fluttering black thing inside me.
She said it wasn't a thing, it was a part of me and while I sobbed, she spoke:
"Where is she?" asked the healer.
"Perched on the window in her old bedroom," I replied.
"What is she doing?"
"She's crying, she wants to jump. In the distance, far far, far, she can see her parents, they'll be so disappointed..."
"What colours can you see?"
I looked around.
"I can't, it's all black. Black."
She spoke alot this healer. Very gently, coaxing. A I cried I bore my knuckles into my eye sockets, desperate to disappear.
"How does she feel?" asked the healer.
Wracking sobs, my torso shaking, then a word appears. A new word to me. A word I never knew. A real word. The truth.
"Abandoned."
More tears but different somehow. The healer gently asking why and taking my memory back two years; making sense of everything between until that realisation that I too had abandoned myself and suddenly all of that, everything that the 16 year old inside me was feeling, was acknowledged.
"Shall we see if she wants to come in now?" The healers voice drifts into my revelation. "Shall we comfort her? Shall we wrap her up and comfort her? What colour shall we wrap her in?"
Through the black comes "pink, like the t-shirt my friend gave me", then "No, blue, not pink,"
"She can have blue aswell,"
"Blue like Mary's veil..."
"Oh that's lovely.."
I giggle, excited, then embarrassed, say I'm being greedy, but the healer doesn't respond to that, just keeps talking about bringing her in from the cold, from the dark place, from the nightmare.
"Perhaps she didn't know that you had stepped back in," she says gently. "Maybe she didn't know you hadn't jumped."
The comfort of those words, a feeling so huge it stayed with me for days as I held myself at night.
The healer wants me to go again. It's really expensive. I'm not sure I want to, but I feel I owe it to myself.
(Taken from Notebook 20th November)
This post is for Marcus, a school friend I recently discovered killed himself two years ago. It goes to Jennyfer Spencer, the disabled woman I wrote about, who left her note with the local paper. To Helen and Mark, the couple I read about the day after I wrote a post about being internally paralysed. It goes to Gary Speed, the Welsh football manager who was found hanged.
It goes to all of those who cannot cope
Do Cuts Kill? asked Patrick Butler in the Guardian recently.
Yes, yes they do. And yes, yes they will.
Find hope and hang on to it.
I wish you all peace, in this lifetime as well as the next x
She said it wasn't a thing, it was a part of me and while I sobbed, she spoke:
"Where is she?" asked the healer.
"Perched on the window in her old bedroom," I replied.
"What is she doing?"
"She's crying, she wants to jump. In the distance, far far, far, she can see her parents, they'll be so disappointed..."
"What colours can you see?"
I looked around.
"I can't, it's all black. Black."
She spoke alot this healer. Very gently, coaxing. A I cried I bore my knuckles into my eye sockets, desperate to disappear.
"How does she feel?" asked the healer.
Wracking sobs, my torso shaking, then a word appears. A new word to me. A word I never knew. A real word. The truth.
"Abandoned."
More tears but different somehow. The healer gently asking why and taking my memory back two years; making sense of everything between until that realisation that I too had abandoned myself and suddenly all of that, everything that the 16 year old inside me was feeling, was acknowledged.
"Shall we see if she wants to come in now?" The healers voice drifts into my revelation. "Shall we comfort her? Shall we wrap her up and comfort her? What colour shall we wrap her in?"
Through the black comes "pink, like the t-shirt my friend gave me", then "No, blue, not pink,"
"She can have blue aswell,"
"Blue like Mary's veil..."
"Oh that's lovely.."
I giggle, excited, then embarrassed, say I'm being greedy, but the healer doesn't respond to that, just keeps talking about bringing her in from the cold, from the dark place, from the nightmare.
"Perhaps she didn't know that you had stepped back in," she says gently. "Maybe she didn't know you hadn't jumped."
The comfort of those words, a feeling so huge it stayed with me for days as I held myself at night.
The healer wants me to go again. It's really expensive. I'm not sure I want to, but I feel I owe it to myself.
(Taken from Notebook 20th November)
This post is for Marcus, a school friend I recently discovered killed himself two years ago. It goes to Jennyfer Spencer, the disabled woman I wrote about, who left her note with the local paper. To Helen and Mark, the couple I read about the day after I wrote a post about being internally paralysed. It goes to Gary Speed, the Welsh football manager who was found hanged.
It goes to all of those who cannot cope
Do Cuts Kill? asked Patrick Butler in the Guardian recently.
Yes, yes they do. And yes, yes they will.
Find hope and hang on to it.
I wish you all peace, in this lifetime as well as the next x
Thursday, 1 December 2011
We are INVINCIBLE
Men feeling particularly low can/should also sing along to this great '70's number which acknowledges and celebrates all of us women! Sing 'A man' and let it celebrate you too!
RIP to all of those who have taken their lives recently.
Taking It Easy - Poetry?
Not been writing pad nor blog
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
My head that's filled with all this fog
Or visions of the path I'm on
No sign of any battle won
Just a voice saying 'Don't worry'
(Taken from Notebook 25th November)
Don't worry
Don't worry about anything
Give everything you don't like to the Universe
and just enjoy your day
moment
by
moment
Black Notebooks
Black contains every colour
Every colour is contained in black
Every colour including pink
and blue (of Mary's veil)
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November)
Every colour is contained in black
Every colour including pink
and blue (of Mary's veil)
(Taken from Notebook 22nd November)
Taking breaks from Life
I've swooped into Blogland to let you know I shall probably start writing again next week, and it will probably be retrospective stuff written over the past two that I've not been on here.
I'm in a funny space. Funny strange and funny haha and funny cos it's not funny at all. One of those spaces! You know it?!
I took myself to the doctor and said I was fine apart from the headaches and I was generally ok, ya know. Told her I'd been to a psychic healer and was reading about God.
Well...bless her, she said I was very depressed and needed something more 'concrete'. I sniggered because God is a pretty concrete concept to me at the moment (that's what reading does to you...)
But, you know, my Life. Nothing much to snigger about there for millions of us. The Chancellors shoved his austerity cloak/blanket/shroud on women and children (I read in the Mirror yesterday) and my housing associatiion is saying I'm now £2067 in arrears and the job centre has sent me a P45 form. I've just signed off sick, not signing on for paid employment.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
So, there is the space I am in. What I do not understand I push to the side so I don't have to deal with it and then turn my attention to Light and Love and the Universe and God and my Son and Christmas being the Season of Goodwill.
I know though, as you must know, that things that you push to the side, things that you ignore have a habit of coming back to you and slapping you in the face so hard your head spins.
That's the space I am in. My head is spinning.
It's not bad actually. Actually it's better than I've ever felt before. Woooo! What a trip! Just don't talk to me about reality!!
"You need something more concrete" says the doc.
Tell that to the Government...
Well, until the next time my friends!!!
In the meantime take a look at Conversations with God Book 3. How a purposeful successful Matriachy became a Patriachy and all you might want to know about the After Life. It's good, it's really good. It's very comforting too!
I'm in a funny space. Funny strange and funny haha and funny cos it's not funny at all. One of those spaces! You know it?!
I took myself to the doctor and said I was fine apart from the headaches and I was generally ok, ya know. Told her I'd been to a psychic healer and was reading about God.
Well...bless her, she said I was very depressed and needed something more 'concrete'. I sniggered because God is a pretty concrete concept to me at the moment (that's what reading does to you...)
But, you know, my Life. Nothing much to snigger about there for millions of us. The Chancellors shoved his austerity cloak/blanket/shroud on women and children (I read in the Mirror yesterday) and my housing associatiion is saying I'm now £2067 in arrears and the job centre has sent me a P45 form. I've just signed off sick, not signing on for paid employment.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
So, there is the space I am in. What I do not understand I push to the side so I don't have to deal with it and then turn my attention to Light and Love and the Universe and God and my Son and Christmas being the Season of Goodwill.
I know though, as you must know, that things that you push to the side, things that you ignore have a habit of coming back to you and slapping you in the face so hard your head spins.
That's the space I am in. My head is spinning.
It's not bad actually. Actually it's better than I've ever felt before. Woooo! What a trip! Just don't talk to me about reality!!
"You need something more concrete" says the doc.
Tell that to the Government...
Well, until the next time my friends!!!
In the meantime take a look at Conversations with God Book 3. How a purposeful successful Matriachy became a Patriachy and all you might want to know about the After Life. It's good, it's really good. It's very comforting too!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Conquering yourself is better than winning battles
"It's better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours and it cannot be taken from you by angels or demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha said that!"
Sent to me by a friend on Monday evening. An athiest friend I might add!
Today it makes total sense to me as at some point it may do to you.
Then the victory is yours and it cannot be taken from you by angels or demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha said that!"
Sent to me by a friend on Monday evening. An athiest friend I might add!
Today it makes total sense to me as at some point it may do to you.
Dreams of bats in white porcelain bowls
Last night I was woken up by a flutter and vision of bats trying to fly out of one of my white porcelain bowls. I didn't let it freak me out. I'm going to the London School of Psychic Studies today. They will help me. (They have to help me) I'm really scared actually, so good job the doc has signed me off signing on, noting 'anxiety' as the cause.
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Bats
To see a bat in your dream, symbolizes uncleanness, demons, and annoyances. Alternatively, bats represent rebirth and unrealized potential. You need to let go of old habits. Your current path is not compatible with your new growth and new goals. It may also mean some unknown situation and how you are blindly entering into a situation or deal. You need to evaluate the facts more carefully. The dream may also been a pun on feeling "batty" or feeling crazy.
To dream of a white bat, signifies death of a family member. To dream of a black bat, signifies personal disaster.
To see a vampire bat in your dream, represents that a person in your life may be draining your of self-confidence and/or your resources.
According to Chinese folklore, if you see five bats in your dream, then it symbolizes good health, longevity, pace, wealth, and happiness.
Wish I'd counted how many now!!
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/animals.htm
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Old ghosts
If I had more than two tapes in the bedroom on the corridor at the Shit School I really shouldn't call a Shit School anymore, (later I was moved to the stairwell) then I can't remember.
On facebook I posted Bat out of Hell but I think I've referenced that song on here, to do with housing.
A great album that Meatloaf album. Some great tracks. Stiggers picked this one for you today. I used to cry out loud to it:
On facebook I posted Bat out of Hell but I think I've referenced that song on here, to do with housing.
A great album that Meatloaf album. Some great tracks. Stiggers picked this one for you today. I used to cry out loud to it:
Pre Reunion Nerves
Relax relax relax relax breathe relax
It will be fine
It will be fine
Man on Heath said "You'll love it!"
You will so get excited instead of scared
You've got [your son] with you, the prayers of your mam and pap, the luck and support from friends. Do it.
Go into the church and bow your head, repeatedly saying thankyou to God and the angels, to Mary and the saints, for [your son], for your parents, for your being there and holding it together.
Good things will come from it
Good things
Reunion
Re-union
Your relationships will get better because you will feel stronger.
Rest afterwards and stay close to people who love you, yourself included.
(Taken from notebook: 12th November 2011)
It will be fine
It will be fine
Man on Heath said "You'll love it!"
You will so get excited instead of scared
You've got [your son] with you, the prayers of your mam and pap, the luck and support from friends. Do it.
Go into the church and bow your head, repeatedly saying thankyou to God and the angels, to Mary and the saints, for [your son], for your parents, for your being there and holding it together.
Good things will come from it
Good things
Reunion
Re-union
Your relationships will get better because you will feel stronger.
Rest afterwards and stay close to people who love you, yourself included.
(Taken from notebook: 12th November 2011)
Friday, 4 November 2011
Spiritual Emergencies
I discovered the phrase Spiritual Emergency or Spiritual Crisis in a natural remedy health book belonging to my mum, last weekend.
There was only one page on Spiritual Crisis but it told me enough that modern doctors don't understand it and will be quick to diagnose you with depression and put you on medication, which is what happened with me.
Medication didn't work for me, I almost committed suicide for fecks sake, and I've been through I don't know how many shrinks and psychologists.
I can't tell you too much, because I don't really know. I know that my last breakdown, I called it a breakthrough, because that's who it felt. It felt like both. The breakdown part of it though, was terrifying.
Religion is at the root of it for me.
Right, it's no biggie, though I have allowed it to be a biggie in my life, but at Shit School a priest told me that I'd been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work.
That's it. That's all. No priest ever touched me physically. Just wounded me at a time when I was experiencing major teenage turbulence of the emotional kind.
Good. I've admitted it now. To the world.
God says (in Conversations with God bk 21 p 80):
Religion asks you to learn from the experience of others. Spirituality urges you to seek your own.
Religion cannot stand spirituality. It cannot abide it.
On page 247 God says: Return to Sprituality. Forget about religion.
This is good for me even if priests don't like it. I cried in my bathroom this morning when it crossed my mind that when I email the school to say I'm coming, because I'm going to do that, the teacher that remains that I saw on the website may recall me and say that I am barred from the chapel and am not allowed to enter. You know, because "God doesn't want you there...."
Stupid I know but I didn't know this morning and different fears are rising all the time.
I have to lighten up or I'm going to have another breakdown for fucks sake.
Hey stiggers..Are you Satan and me the Devil or am I the Devil and you Satan? It's always really confused me....ha ha ha!
http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/ Brilliant, found it this morning.
Reboot is the label I used after my breakdown though at the time so much was flying through my mind and I was too scared to write because I was afraid I was going mad. Teaching is a label I used to explore spiritual stuff but when I started the blog did not want to admit I was a spiritual person. If I had, the label would read 'spiritual stuff'.
God, you really do learn as you go along...
What you resist persists so accept
What? That I've been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work or that I'm doing just fine with my kind of spirituality?
You know the answer
There was only one page on Spiritual Crisis but it told me enough that modern doctors don't understand it and will be quick to diagnose you with depression and put you on medication, which is what happened with me.
Medication didn't work for me, I almost committed suicide for fecks sake, and I've been through I don't know how many shrinks and psychologists.
I can't tell you too much, because I don't really know. I know that my last breakdown, I called it a breakthrough, because that's who it felt. It felt like both. The breakdown part of it though, was terrifying.
Religion is at the root of it for me.
Right, it's no biggie, though I have allowed it to be a biggie in my life, but at Shit School a priest told me that I'd been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work.
That's it. That's all. No priest ever touched me physically. Just wounded me at a time when I was experiencing major teenage turbulence of the emotional kind.
Good. I've admitted it now. To the world.
God says (in Conversations with God bk 21 p 80):
Religion asks you to learn from the experience of others. Spirituality urges you to seek your own.
Religion cannot stand spirituality. It cannot abide it.
On page 247 God says: Return to Sprituality. Forget about religion.
This is good for me even if priests don't like it. I cried in my bathroom this morning when it crossed my mind that when I email the school to say I'm coming, because I'm going to do that, the teacher that remains that I saw on the website may recall me and say that I am barred from the chapel and am not allowed to enter. You know, because "God doesn't want you there...."
Stupid I know but I didn't know this morning and different fears are rising all the time.
I have to lighten up or I'm going to have another breakdown for fucks sake.
Hey stiggers..Are you Satan and me the Devil or am I the Devil and you Satan? It's always really confused me....ha ha ha!
http://spiritualemergency.blogspot.com/ Brilliant, found it this morning.
Reboot is the label I used after my breakdown though at the time so much was flying through my mind and I was too scared to write because I was afraid I was going mad. Teaching is a label I used to explore spiritual stuff but when I started the blog did not want to admit I was a spiritual person. If I had, the label would read 'spiritual stuff'.
God, you really do learn as you go along...
What you resist persists so accept
What? That I've been sent by Satan to do the Devil's work or that I'm doing just fine with my kind of spirituality?
You know the answer
When you are forced to confront what you don't want to
"What you resist, persists."
I left my Conversations With God book 1 with my mother so can't give you page number or anything, just the recommendation it's a good book.
It's true though, what God says, in that book. What you resist persists.
Last night I saw on facebook that a guy in my old class at school had added me to the "Class of.." page.
Three years ago, when his friend had found me on facebook, I was invited to join and well, the tremors and shakes and loss of appetite and headaches, always, headaches, I didn't accept. Why would I? Why would I, even symbolically, align myself with a place that made me so unhappy? No!
My posting that I might go to this reunion may have something to do with my being added to the Group now. I don't know, I'm not asking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting it be.
All the memories are coming up again; the dententions, the bullying, the religion. I push it all down because to allow them to come, well, makes me cry if I'm lucky.
In my heart I know I should thank that guy for adding me to that Group. It is a kind thing to do and he means well by it.
I have to go back to that school, I have to face the possibility that there will be girls there I don't want to see, because I've got nothing to say to them. I could go back to that school when there is no chance there will be any old pupils there, like this Sunday but I just want to deal with it all and be done with it. Do that or else delete those I accepted as friends from my facebook page because otherwise what's the point of them being there?
The soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings. Follow your feelings. Honor your feelings.
Why does it take so much time to create the reality you choose? This is why: because you have not been living your truth.
Feelings are the language of the soul. And your soul is your truth
(Conversations with God book 2. Page 14/15)
What you resists persists
Confront it
and keep breathing
If I let the memories surface maybe good ones will come up too.
I need to be strong when I get there because to be honest with you, I'm terrified.
I don't want to have any kind of break down infront of anybody. I don't want to be all shy and awkward and stuttery in front of anybody, I don't want the act of putting on a brave face to to, I don't know...
I want to be myself, but not the self who is writing this right now.
I will of course, let you know how it goes - Really Good, Good, Shit, Really Shit
If it is Really Shit though, don't let that put you off attending your own if that's what you feel you have to do for whatever reason your subconcious wants you to decide.
I left my Conversations With God book 1 with my mother so can't give you page number or anything, just the recommendation it's a good book.
It's true though, what God says, in that book. What you resist persists.
Last night I saw on facebook that a guy in my old class at school had added me to the "Class of.." page.
Three years ago, when his friend had found me on facebook, I was invited to join and well, the tremors and shakes and loss of appetite and headaches, always, headaches, I didn't accept. Why would I? Why would I, even symbolically, align myself with a place that made me so unhappy? No!
My posting that I might go to this reunion may have something to do with my being added to the Group now. I don't know, I'm not asking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just letting it be.
All the memories are coming up again; the dententions, the bullying, the religion. I push it all down because to allow them to come, well, makes me cry if I'm lucky.
In my heart I know I should thank that guy for adding me to that Group. It is a kind thing to do and he means well by it.
I have to go back to that school, I have to face the possibility that there will be girls there I don't want to see, because I've got nothing to say to them. I could go back to that school when there is no chance there will be any old pupils there, like this Sunday but I just want to deal with it all and be done with it. Do that or else delete those I accepted as friends from my facebook page because otherwise what's the point of them being there?
The soul speaks to you in feelings. Listen to your feelings. Follow your feelings. Honor your feelings.
Why does it take so much time to create the reality you choose? This is why: because you have not been living your truth.
Feelings are the language of the soul. And your soul is your truth
(Conversations with God book 2. Page 14/15)
What you resists persists
Confront it
and keep breathing
If I let the memories surface maybe good ones will come up too.
I need to be strong when I get there because to be honest with you, I'm terrified.
I don't want to have any kind of break down infront of anybody. I don't want to be all shy and awkward and stuttery in front of anybody, I don't want the act of putting on a brave face to to, I don't know...
I want to be myself, but not the self who is writing this right now.
I will of course, let you know how it goes - Really Good, Good, Shit, Really Shit
If it is Really Shit though, don't let that put you off attending your own if that's what you feel you have to do for whatever reason your subconcious wants you to decide.
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