"How does it feel?"

Am I sitting here writing on purpose? I'm meant to be at Boot Camp. I'm dressed for it.

Stressy morning, we all get them, up too late, kid playing up, wash a cup of tea down between quick shower and dress, got to pack clothes for work, but then everything starts to unravel because where are the fecking trainers????

Did find them eventually, in the cupboard (aren't I organised...) but then the chain came off my bike when we got to school and wouldn't go back on again so I took it to the bike shop and the man said it needed oiling, that the chain and gears were otherwise fine. About to go to the coffee shop on way to bootcamp but realise I have picked up the wrong keys. I can go to bootcamp and leave the bike in the hall but then I can't go to work and leave it anywhere.

OH go home....

I could've gone, made it back up there now, with the proper keys. I wanted to go but in truth, I already felt defeated.

Two weeks ago at the end of class the Master got two of the strongest girls on the floor in a lock and told the rest of us to watch 'her' escape.

Ditso me, says "which one's trying to escape?"

The Master stares at me: "Which one do you think?"

"Well I don't know, Mistress Mountain at the bottom is the obvious choice but maybe somehow she can get Mistress Twin off her and in the weaker position."

"You get under her," he says. "Mistress Mountain, swap with Fist of the Northern Star," (no, he didn't call me that, wonder if it would have helped though...)

I get under Mistress Twin. She has one arm round my neck and the other pinning down my right arm. Her body weight is on me and I can still move my legs.

I try to wrestle her off me.

I can't.

My legs spin, but still I can't get her off me.

"How does it feel?" says the Master.

"Really unpleasant," I say.

"Describe it to us, go on," he says

"Overwhelming...suffocating..."

"You can do better than that, you're the writer, go on, articulate yourself,"

"I can't..." The shame was beginning to creep up. It didn't really end there either. After I was up and free, he asked me how old I was. I couldn't even make a joke about it. When La Francaise got under and aked whether she could pull Mistress Twin's hair, I ventured to say 'what if it's a guy who has no hair to grab on to?" and the Master starts going on about how we're in class and "this isn't some fantasy". I felt so humiliated but slightly vindicated when he said he would teach us how to extracate ourselves from a lock like that.

I wanted to go this morning. Were there really obstacles in my way or was I simply too stressed to see that they weren't, I only had to breathe a little?

Stiggers saying to come back and write. I found a meditation tape from my mindfulness therapy course yesterday and I will do that later this morning. I will remain in uniform while I do it. I feel safe inside it after my 'bodyquake' last year.

I didn't tell you did I, because I deleted it from the entry I posted about Ken Clarke's comments last week - I got a letter from the sexual health clinic saying my psychotherapy regarding yestercentury's rapes would begin in month. I don't want to need it.

We may have sparred today, as we do each week. My son did it at his Kung Fu on Tuesday. It's an important skill, to be aware of your body and what it can do in a fight or flight situation. It's important to be aware of your mind too and what that can do.

I can neither attack nor defend today.

I just have to be still.

Be still

Be

"No wonder it took you so long to resolve your housing"

Master at Zen Boot Camp was pushing us all yesterday.

We were an odd number and Mistress La Francaise came up to me and said "Shall we be partners?" Oh yes!!

Mistress Psychic stared at the Master: "Do I have to go with you?" You're Fearless now Psychic!

I was relieved it wasn't me.

"Come on Fist of the Northern Star," said the Master as I struggled with the backwards kick.

I wanted to tell him my temporary filling had come out the night before and that I had a hole in my tooth which was distracting me but I thought NAH, don't say that, just do your best.

It was when we were punching and kicking the punch bags. I usually love this but I had no, I don't know, strength.

I thought the Master had called Time so I stopped and he looked at me and said (well shouted, big hall, far away) something "..wonder..long..resolve..housing."

My eyes pricked. My fists did not clench. Mistress Mountain told me later what he said because it was niggling me.

I found myself though and I punched holding those weights and I lifted that pole up to my shoulder with no help.

The other Mistresses helped me remember the defence techniques when we later reviewed all those.

FOCUS

FOCUS

"We worked on mental strength today," said the Master at the end. "I know we did alot of physical strength but I'm going to keep doing mental strength exercies with you because it's important."

I want to sink into my dark dark hole.

Next week, while the gum is healing and I feel the gap in my mouth, I will want to sink into my dark dark hole. I am frightened I will sink into my dark dark hole.

My son my sun my son I can't.

I want to say for my sake too but I don't feel it right now.

But you, if ever you feel yourself sinking into your dark dark hole

FOCUS

BREATHE

FOCUS

KEEP BREATHING

LET THE THOUGHTS PASS

Room - the book - the mind

I rarely find the time for reading fiction. It's a real shame because I love what's out there.

I rarely find the time because I blog. I am forever thinking either what I'm going to write or how I'm going to write which interupts my mind space for reading/course hunting/job searching.. I wish blogging was my proper paid a squillion a post job because it feels like a job.

Anyway, I say this because I have found time to read Room by Emma Donoghue!

I haven't finished it yet. Got way into it last night (tears fell). This morning, I would have ordinarily come home to write but Mistress Ha Ha texted me at the crack of dawn asking me if I'd accompany her around all cafe's in the vicinity to place postcards about Zen Boot Camp.

What a beautiful day! We finished up at the Heath, where we had a coffee and chatted - she's a stigmum like me, frightened about what the new welfare rules are going to mean for her and her two daughters. When she left, the sky was still so blue, the breeze so warm, that I climbed up to an oak tree and sat and read my book.

Read it. My friend Jo recommended it to me, said she wasn't sure whether I'd like it. I won't tell you the plot but I will tell you that it's beautiful and hard but also compelling and rich.

This story of a mother and son is told through the eyes of the five year old child.

It has resonated quite powerfully with me. I have felt guilt and I have felt love as though this five year old, was my five year old.

Ma's Gone - I was gone alot - Mute Mother
Shhh, I'm thinking -

"Mummy, I am sorry for making a fight with you,
Lots of love
Son xxx"

This is from my child, yesterday, a drawing of a butterfly on the other side. A fight because he wanted to wear the new Red Converse his daddy gave him to school and I said 'no'. After the card I still said 'no' but hugged him and said I was sorry too. He's worn them today (not because of the book I have to say, but because there was no quick change Kung Fu and because it was so sunny, not raining).

Love.

Children.

I wish I'd written down all the things my son said, my son says. Children think so logically. They live much more in the present moment than we adults do.

Has it resonated with me to the degree it has because I am a single mother with a son too? Does it resonate with married mothers? With mothers with several children? Do fathers feel it? Lone ones with a son or daughter, married ones, ones with several?

I haven't finished the book. One last "chapter" to go.

It's a stigmum recommendation

(and gets labelled under Book Review even though Book Review is for free books I get not books I bought like this one (though it was reduced!))

I am Fist of the Northern Star

The Master told us to pick names for ourselves at Boot Camp last week.
I couldn't think of one for myself
So he called me Star
then Northern Star because it shines brighter (he said)
Then, because I was making erm, jokes, that he couldn't quite see my brilliance with the Roundhouse kicks and Backwards Kicks because it was a foggy day (too much wine while at the Mayor's Parlour the night before) he changed it to
Fist of the Northern Star
Fist of the Northern Star!
Power to me!
Good ey?

Mistress Physic is Fearless
Mistress Ha Ha was Iron Maiden (which suited very much have to say) but changed to Bamboo
Mistress Dancer is Rock
Mistress Mountain is the funniest though. She picked a name for herself; Swaying Skirts but through out the training the Master kept calling her Loincloth and everytime he did so I couldn't stop laughing

Definitions ey? Sometimes they can be quite, quite empowering

Believe in what empowers you.

Right, I'm off to grab some lunch..!

Hug a Real Tree

Back forth
Back forth
Back forth
to the tree

The Oak that
takes my weight
cradles me
in its embrace

Its roots centred
to the deep earth
just like mine

Don't fall over

Hug the tree
Ear to its soul
say 'thank you'

Thank you oh mighty Oak

(Scribbled in notebook on heath this morning, emptying mind some more after Tuesday night's suicide dream. By coincidence, REM's Everybody Hurts has been playing on a compilation cd of mine whilst I've been transposing this

Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

My message to you too

Doing a Ken Clarke

I didn't watch the Budget on Wednesday but I saw the footage and also media pics of Ken Clarke having a snooze during Osborne's address.

Last night I fell asleep watching Question Time.

Well. I hardly blame myself, or Ken really. Don't we know the Tory line is to help the rich get richer and poor get poorer? Ken's heard it all before and I'm simply exhausted by my own fury.

It's happened alot since I moved to the Attic Flat following the trauma of eviction. I fall asleep at the beginning of Question Time and wake up at the end of This Week. Every week. What does that mean?! (Thank f*^% it's Friday?!)

It's almost like I can't deal with our politics anymore despite my desire to.

I might comment on housing next week yeah?

Oh Ok, help for first time buyers all very well but what about help for those who don't have the readdies?

At the Housing Strategy meeting last week, Stategy (formerly Needs) asked me if I'd thought about Shared Ownership.

"I don't have a job," I said and she sighed "oh".
"I'm also not convinced what I think about it," I continued. "I'm worried I'd end up paying out more. I'd rather rent all or own all but not half and half."

She didn't say anything to that.

But she did say I should get my son to bid for me when I said I found the bidding for a flat process too depressing.

I said "I wish but the social services would have something to say about that."

How we giggle at what's not funny!

I wasn't the one laughing.

March March March March March March March March

Channel anger in constructive positive ways I say

Now I may Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzen

Close my eyes

Imagine

"Imagine you are hugging a tree"

Back to Zen Boot Camp today after an absence of three weeks. Not a moment too soon, I can tell you. Thankfully no vulnerable jaw/tooth/ ache!

"Does that say Tao?" my son says as I put on my uniform. "We have the same at my Kung Fu class!"

He then went on to show me some of the moves they are taught, the fist and elbow punches and I say "Don't you swivvle your right foot when you do it? We do!" "No," he answers and there we have a lovely little bonding session right there in my bedroom.

We're going to have another little bonding session later aswell!

It's not my Master who said "Imagine you are hugging a tree," it's my son's. At the end of his class on Tuesday, his Master told the group of children, to close their eyes, then feet apart, bend their legs, and hold out their arms as though they were hugging a tree. - for one minute!

I saw my son open his eyes, I saw him flag. It's hard! (So was punching with 1kg weights today but I did it without stopping for a break!)

Kung Fu homework is to do the hugging a tree exercise twice. We're going to do it this afternoon. On our balcony!!

I'm going to go first, with him timing me, then he will go.

Yesterday I spent hours on the Heath, leaning against a big Oak tree. This morning before Boot Camp, I was there again, sitting on the grass, head resting on the bark.

My suicide dreams upset me alot but in a way, they seem to bring me back to what's important.

That I'm alive.

That knowledge is a start for me.

I am alive.

You are alive.

I hope that can be a start and not an end if you are depressed.

Imagine you are hugging a tree x

Why do channels put on films so late?

I watched Amadeus last night, the Oscar winning biopic about Mozart. I've seen it before but years ago.

It started at 11.30pm.

11.30pm?

Alot of good films start so late at night. Not long ago it was Y Mama Tambien that I didn't get to see.

As you see I'm not qualifying who directed these films, or even a brief synopsis what they are about because I stayed up to watch Amadeus, which finished at 2.30am.

My eyes are burning. DON GIOVAAAAAAAAAAANI is playing on my brain.

It's a great film, and has an amazing score.

Classical music has such power, doesn't it, to still the mind and stir the soul?

There's a lot I have to be thinking about at the moment; a council run party I'm attending this evening, another meeting in a couple days time.

I'm feeling an expectation, I don't know about what, perhaps desire, what one reaps one sows.
Perhaps an expectation that one doesn't reap what one sows but on a course I can't step away from.

I don't know.

What I might do though, is settle on the sofa, shove my head in a pillow and let the crashing clashes of a requiem course through me.

I know that's pure indulgence, but I've missed Zen Boot Camp today because of toothache.

(Last night I could feel my heart beat in my tooth! Quite awesome! I closed my eyes so I could properly feel the rhythmic pulse, then I took a paracetamol)

DON GIOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANI

No, I don't have that tune, but I do have many others

Close your eyes
Still your mind
Stir your soul

Work to Welfare

The bill goes through today doesn't it? Read it in the Mirror yesterday after having to swallow the stories of the bankers bonuses and the self same bank planning mass redundancies to 'cut costs'.

Newsnight ran a story on the whole work to welfare thing on Tuesday night.

"6 million people will be getting up to go to work tomorrow but 6 million won't have to, they can stay in bed," or something like that. Paxman's brilliant most of the time but I really wanted to kick him in the shins for saying that.

I have no time now to chat about the punitive measures facing so many millions of us.
The newsnight report didn't address many of the barriers facing us and certainly didn't mention all this happening at a time of rising unemployment.

There aren't millions of jobs to go round and even for the shitty ones there's intense competition.

When I was watching it though, I was thinking of housing and how this massive, massive, MASSIVE issue, which is going to affect millions upon millions of people, is just being swept aside.

It's what the government wants. It wants everybodies attention diverted from the massacre it's creating.

Biff Baff Boof.

No, not you Paxman.

The Tory party.

"Not AARGH in pain! AARGH in TRIUMPH!"

Lifting the metal poles. Mistresses Twin and Ha Ha can do it with no help, lifting it from the floor to their waist, to their shoulders, to the sky!

The rest of us need help, I'm one of those who needs a lot. Mistress Psychic also needed help today because she hasn't been to class for a while. Too weak to help one another lift the bar, the Master stepped in.

"Use your voice, it'll make it easier," he said, as I tried to hoist it from my shoulders to the sky.
"Aargh."
"Use your voice!" He shouted.
"Aargh,"
"Louder! Use it!"
"Aaargh."
"Not AARGH in pain! AARGH in TRIUMPH!"

"Good," he said after my fourth set of doing five lifts. "You're getting stronger."
"Yeah!" I grinned. "I can feel it!"

It was a painful, I mean, triumphant class!

Punching holding 1kg weights for three minutes, well, I couldn't manage it.
BUT I will be able to in a few weeks!

"You need to take a look at your priorities"

The Master asked me how my meeting went. I struggled to remember what meeting he meant and said: "Oh good, good! I wrote to Shapps yesterday, emailed a newspaper asking them if they'd publish it if he didn't answer me."

"Great, just make sure you work it to your advantage."

I went to help the Mistresses put out the mats and wondered, how do I do that. I don't fecking know!

I went back to the Master and asked him.

"What's your priority?" he asked.

"Protecting my son. Protecting him from exposure."

He looked me in that calm, serene way and said:

"What's more important to you? Finding a secure place to raise your son or helping the borough?"

"Helping the borough."

His eyes widened.

"You need to take a look at your priorities."

My eyes pricked. So familiar now, spikes of guilt, guilt, guilt.

Several tears are flowing down the river, several tears are running to the sea, if one day they reach some distant waters you will know they're sent with pain from me (Stiggers with me messing up a Goombay Dance Band song)

Don't cry.. Don't cry....

I went to help the Mistresses hang the punching bags.

Once more, I went over to the Zen Master.

"What I really really want is a two bedroom flat with a garden in (The Village Up The Road)."

"Good. Yes. Put that out to the Universe. It's why you're stuck, because you're not putting that out to the Universe. Your focus is always on something else, it's why you're not getting what you want."

"I just failed to get a secure place. I can't be thinking about that right now."

"Get up! You fall off the horse, you get back on it! You don't give up!"


I was a bit shaky after that so good job he partnered with Mistress La Francaise so I could go with Mistress Psychic.

When we started punching the bags, each one of us on our own, biff, baff, biff, baff, the ipod started playing
"Take the ribbon from your hair," biff, baff, biff, baff
"shake it loose and let it fall..." biff, baff, biff, baff,
"lay it soft against my skin" biff baff biff baff
"like the shadows on the wall" biff baff biff baff
"help me make it through the night," biff baff baff baff baff baff
"I don't care who's right or wrong, " baff baff baff biff
"I don't try to understand,," biff biff baff baff
"let the devil take tomorrow," baff baff baff baff baff
"Lord tonight I need a friend"
(Kris Kristofferson)

I felt much better after that BIFF BAFF BIFF BAFF BOOOOOOOOF!

Sisters doing it for themselves

The Master was away again this week. Mistress Dancer spoke to him just before class started.
With eight of us Mistresses there, we decided to give ourselves a class anyway!

It was not the same as with the Master, of course it wasn't, but it was cool. I was wheezing after the kicking routines we do. Wheezing! I stopped smoking near two weeks ago!

One scary part of Carr's book, or definitely the bit that put the fear in me back in 2006 when I stopped is when he says:

"A cough is one of nature's fail-safe methods of dispelling foreign matter from the lungs. The cough itself is not a disease; it is just a symptom. When smokers cough it is because their lungs are trying to dispel cancer triggering tars and poisons. When they do not cough those tars and poisons remain in their lungs, and that is when they cause cancer (my italics)" (p.73 Easyway Book)

I never coughed. If I did cough it was because everyone else in the country had the same virus, regardless of whether they smoked or not.

Mistress Mountain said I'd start coughing soon.

What a wheeze ey? What a wheeze! The class I mean heh heh!

Oh the play on words! Zen Boot Camp does that; it puts you in a positive mood!

(Was tempted, have to say, to have a quick puff on Mistress La Francaise's fag after class. Ya know, what's the harm?! One little drag! I am pleased to report I refrained and it wasn't very hard!)

"You're glowing"

The Master said it first:
"Did you stop smoking?"
"Yeah! On Saturday!"
"You can tell, you're really glowing."
"Really?!" Didn't feel glowing but why ruin the compliment!

Mistress La Francaise noticed too. We were together for the punching and she said 'you can really notice the whites of your eyes, zey are really white. It can't just be that, the fags, can it?"
"I dunno! Oh I want you to go to the clinic too, it's great!"

I wish I could describe the class to you, the discipline we're taught, the knowledge we're fed about our own bodies, as we stretch them this way then that, or power a kick this way or that, go from plank to push up plank to push up up in fluid movements.

I'm finally getting the hang of it, something's clicked in my mind, and I'm loving it!

Me and Mistress Ha Ha (most powerful I'd say of the troupe (and I felled her today!!) are going to stand outside schools next week and try and recruit more Women to the Academy.

If you see us, come along!

Desire for a familiar enemy

I wanted a cigarette this morning. I really did. I was singing Britney's 'hit me baby one more time' to Nico Teen.

I asked myself why I wanted a fag when I didn't really want a fag. I wasn't feeling stressed you see. Yesterday went well with the support worker, he told me I wouldn't be evicted in April, that my tenancy was safe.

Familiarity I decided. I wanted to sit quietly with 'old virginia because well, we've been through tough times together, she understands me!

Fortunate therefore that it was Zen Boot Camp today. Fantastic class. Partnered with Mistress La Francaise at the end, couldn't resist telling her: "hit me baby one more time!"

Master 's boom box sang out the Specials - a Message for Mistress - "Stop ya messin' around!"

It was ACE! Crikey, when was the last time I said ACE?!

Can't remember!! Maybe last week but not on blogspot!

Support from a friend

"I'm stopping smoking," I told PHD mum, who's single like me, as we walked back from the school run.
"Are you? Oh good! It's difficult but you can do it!"
"I'm using Allen Carr," I laughed, opening up my bag and showing her my copy.
"Yeah, I used him too. I still smoke sometimes at parties but you know, you go through the withdrawal again but it's only a few days and not that bad, not really."
"Just one drag! I can't do that. Like I could say to you right now, hwat this this cigarette being my first today 'it's fucking lovely!' cos it is, fucking lovely! But I know now that I'm just feeding my addiction, that's what's so fucking lovely..."
"Mmm, yes it is, I'm really tempted right now!"
"Oh sorry. I finished the book ages ago, I just keep it with me to remind me that I have to stop."
"Replace it with something, you'll want to replace it with something but replace it with something good, like yoga or something."
"Yeah, I've already thought of that. Self defence! You should come!"

We chatted some more then parted ways.

Half an hour later I was chucking my fourth or fifth fag down me outside the jobcentre. Deep breaths before the dreaded appointment...
But it was the consultant there, Sarah, who surprised me. At the end of the consultation, having told her about my mental health problems, I showed her my Easyway book because she'd been so lovely to me.

"Oh," she said. "It's not easy is it, it's really difficult."
"Are you an ex-smoker?" I asked, all hopeful.
"No but I've met loads of people, I've got friends. You never know what's going on in someone's day that they'll just pick one up and light it."
"Yeah, you're so right!"
"I don't judge people," she continued. "I've seen too much. In this job I see so much."
"Yeah. I don't judge people either."

(Taken from Notebook - Tuesday 18th January)

"You do this to open your hearts"

The Master was back! You could tell the Master was back....
"He's working us hard today," I whispered to Mistress Dance. as up and down the hall we did our kicking and punching routines following the um, arduous run (Mistress Ha Ha ran back to join me so I wouldn't be last...)

Later we got on the mats to practice more defence techniques.. tripping up our assailant..Not so easy to co-ordinate the arms and legs, so a godsend we do it all slowly.

"You are doing this in order to get to know your bodies," said the Master at one point.
"To learn how to defend ourselves," I said.
"No, that's a by product. You are doing this for yourselves, your children, your brothers, uncles, sisters..You do this to open up your hearts. It's not easy, you go to dark places, you have to go through those dark places so that you can begin to open your hearts and let in some light."

You can imagine, I go to class for mental health reasons, I liked this very much.
"Maybe you've noticed," he continued, "if you've met people at the top of their field, be it martial arts, any sport, soldiers at the front line, they are kind people, they've been through tough experiences and they've come out the other end. This is not about fighting, this training is about getting to know yourself."

It was an incredible class despite my Nico Teen/Double Expresso breakfast that made me so dizzy. Power; you can sense your own power.

I deliberately had a cigarette when I came out, so I could tell myself the last time. Last time buddy! Mistress La Francaise wants to quit smoking too, I told her the method I was using.

We need more people. We have no funding for next term. To think, in 2004 when I first started going, SureStart funded it all including the creche. I was in a low place and I went because I missed kickboxing and this was free. It gives you confidence. Shy people should definitely do it!

It's a fiver now, cheap for what you get but not enough of us to cover the whole thing (only 4 of us today, we used to be more than a dozen) so....
There's talk of inviting men! Two male road sweepers asked me if it was 'women only' on the run. "Yes!" I panted to their dismay!

"There's definitely a market," I laughed later. "Unemployed guys depressed at being so,"
"Guys who work shifts," added Mistress Dance. All very positive stuff!

This morning when I couldn't find my kit, I thought it a good excuse not to go. So glad I made myself!

There's nought so good as opening up your heart!

Exercise Replacement Therapy

The Master wasn't at Boot Camp today so we had another guy come in and train us.
I'd been expecting to "beat myself up," or "myself beat me up" after yesterday's consultation but not in two hours of cardio and circuit training, did I want to do that.
On the contrary, I kept telling myself to breathe in power, breathe in strength. Feel my power, feel my strength.
It was good, it was really good.

Opening wounds can be very painful but cathartic as the blood oozes out.

I cried alot yesterday afternoon, you see. Hiding in Coffee Republic, pretending to read a book, my head in my hands tears rolling, splashing, streams drip drip dripping onto the table, no nicoteen to stop my crying, just let my crying flow...

The time has come to heal, I'm thinking.

Saved by Issy's phone call

My clear mind clouded yesterday evening.
When I stop smoking how will I hurt myself?
Phone rings. Issy! I ask her the same question.
She tells me she has a friend who does kick boxing.

Of course! Bazza's Boot Camp!
I already thought of that! How silly of me! I went two weeks ago, (where I beat up Nico Teen!) it was cancelled last thursday.

Ah the joy! For those like me who beat themselves up, self defence classes, martial arts, are the way to go!

Thanks Issy!

Down the line I will have to watch out for food - my ability to seek comfort, particularly when I am happy.

I'll put in good practice codes when I'm withdrawing from nicoteen, recognise cravings and learn to deal with them (with water helped me in the past, and also breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth)

To live is to learn
Pass it on...

Cravings

A funny thing the cravings when I gave up my cigs last week. Thick and fast the first few days, but curiously, they didn't always have to be met by Nico Teen, they could be met with anything.
I kept a notebook while I wasn't blogging. This is what I wrote on January 5th:

Having difficulty remembering why I've let go of Nico Teen. The last time I planned it for months and months, this time through a blurred fog.
There's the gnawing desire for one but it passes, especially if I go outside and breathe. Mind you, it could be a thirst for Al Cohol too. I even went out and bought a bottle of wine - but didn't indulge.

Oh why oh why this change????
I shall never remember, only that I let Nico Teen go on a New Moon.
No good for me, even if I struggle to recall why

My top tip for any would be cravers? Always have a glass or bottle of water handy. Imagine you're riding a wave and enjoy it!

(The next day the entry reads MUST REMEMBER THAT GIVING UP IS AWFUL SO DON'T START AGAIN TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN - I'd gone back to Bazza's Boot Camp and after doing roly poly's felt right pukey for the rest of the day.. all dem toxins...)

Cainer can read my mind

Why can't you have what you want? You seem to think that there is a good reason why your goal is unattainable. You are psychologically preparing yourself for an experience of disappointment. What has persuaded you to be so negative? Have you heard some dispiriting explanation? Or do you secretly feel that perhaps you don't deserve to have your aspiration fulfilled? You have to ask yourself if you really want what you say you want. If you don't, stop telling yourself that you do. If you do, stop telling yourself that it's impossible.

Right, I'm going for a swim. The Lido this time, not the pond. I saw a Mistress yesterday, told her I had no strength for Bazza's Zen Boot Camp.

If my mind won't stop working, I need to move my body.

If I am to do what I want to do, I need my body, my mind, my heart and I really really have to fuck the consequences for me and my son. Believe that we will be alright, whatever happens.

I'm transferring fear. Fear of eviction to fear of exposure. I can deal with the eviction again later but I'll use it for now.

My son gave me that idea this morning. I often don't realise how silent I am:
"Why are you stressed mummy?"
"Stressed sweetie? I've got an idea, a good idea and if it works it will get in the news and stuff and I find that quite scary."
"Why mummy?"
And I shrugged and laughed and kissed the top of his head.

We will be alright
We will be alright
We will be alright!

I need to reclaim my excitement and hold on to my passion.

I need Water.