A conversation with a friend the other day who hasn't had a boyfriend for years and years and years and he didn't treat her very well anyway so confidence about getting a boyfriend is at all time low.
"Do you masterbate?" I asked her, quite uncomfortably actually. It wasn't long ago I could ask that question about myself.
Anyway, I suggested to look around a website I found
This is an article I ended up on that I believe could be beneficial to many women:
http://www.the-clitoris.com/n_html/how_to_have_female_orgasms.htm
I've not done the exercises yet, can't imagine doing them as I write this (ie, I've not got my hand down my pants) but it can be isolating being unhappily single, so get to know yourself and start to feel empowered by who you are.
For many women, the answer lies simply in giving yourself permission to be a sexual being, and by taking possession of your sexuality. You need to define your sexuality rather than allowing others to do it for you. For most, it is not a question of creating your sexuality but accepting it in its current form. The problem may not be your body and sexuality, but rather what you have been attempting to do with or to them. Learning to accept and celebrate your sexuality may be as simple as reading through this website to gain a greater understanding of your body and sexuality. (The-Clitoris.com)
OK?
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Saturday, 28 January 2012
One Night
This new label, One Night, refers to last Thursday night when I bought my son home from school and I really needed a wee. I went, barely anything, but pain, then five minutes later, the need to go again and within half an hour, not wanting to go, for fear of that pain and then
fear
of all kinds of things
and anger
at all kinds of things
but most of all
the cruel coincidence
that I'd had sex for the first time in fucking ages (don't forgive the pun) and it couldn't be just the good, clean, positive, fun that it was could it?? No.
It's going to be a big label. I think. I don't know.
I was so scared that Thursday night, I felt I had no-one to talk to, felt I had no-one to call and of course, things just rush rush rush into your head that makes you THANK GOD for TRASH TV (Sorry 'benders, you're not trash)
I thought I had cystitus...maybe I do...never had anything like anything before so no idea. Anyway, this thought made me think of sex and the past of course, LOVES to rear it's head. Pissed off are you Rape label that I won't put anything about me on you again? This post definitely the last, definitely, where rape associates with my experience OK?
See, the search for blame...you look everywhere...and the search got really dark after I saw my water was pink and my paper was clotted and it wasn't my period.
My one night stand was just a night, and a morning too. THIS LABEL IS NOT ABOUT THAT, though I will write about it (Hey, ye Who Said I Was Hot, you could be anyone, just like me, so don't sweat it, I just regret writing that I told you I wrote a blog but you didn't ask for the link so guessed you were alright with me writing about you. I wasn't going to write about you anymore than I did. I wasn't. Now who knows when I'll stop. Your fault for being a positive experience.)
This label is about being alone. Being alone with thoughts you can't share with anyone. It's all retrospective of course now, but not really. As I write this, nothing is clear, so writing some things will be really difficult. It's out there. Are they self fulfilling prophecies? What am I creating? I've got to turn that fear which is beneath everything at the moment, into something positive.
This label is about Thursday night which led to Friday morning, where I went to the doctor, which I have to post about, which I don't want to, but what you resist persists God said in those Conversations.
The label has to end on a good note. I've too much blogging experience now to know that it's dangerous to take people on a journey with you... be it to a council flat or to the dentist, although I did take you on my stop smoking journey and it's a year tomorrow that I stopped - Yippee!! Shall I celebrate with you Nico Teen? Awfully hard writing all this...NO! No I shan't! Al Cohol....?
Can't. I'm on antibiotics for a week, my pee sample's been sent to the lab. I will know the result, but you won't, reader. It's an opportunity for me
An opportunity for me to do what stigs?
Well we don't know, do we, self elected leaders of the party that we are.
We just know that things we wanted to write that aren't part of the label will come under the label and that you will know it's over when I write REPENT.
Sunday after the Friday before...The day I asked the angel cards what I can do and the card I got back was from Angel Gabriel, saying he was with me, and to follow the signs... I did that and was told to REPENT.
You lead Gabes, I'll follow...
(and look out for signs!)
fear
of all kinds of things
and anger
at all kinds of things
but most of all
the cruel coincidence
that I'd had sex for the first time in fucking ages (don't forgive the pun) and it couldn't be just the good, clean, positive, fun that it was could it?? No.
It's going to be a big label. I think. I don't know.
I was so scared that Thursday night, I felt I had no-one to talk to, felt I had no-one to call and of course, things just rush rush rush into your head that makes you THANK GOD for TRASH TV (Sorry 'benders, you're not trash)
I thought I had cystitus...maybe I do...never had anything like anything before so no idea. Anyway, this thought made me think of sex and the past of course, LOVES to rear it's head. Pissed off are you Rape label that I won't put anything about me on you again? This post definitely the last, definitely, where rape associates with my experience OK?
See, the search for blame...you look everywhere...and the search got really dark after I saw my water was pink and my paper was clotted and it wasn't my period.
My one night stand was just a night, and a morning too. THIS LABEL IS NOT ABOUT THAT, though I will write about it (Hey, ye Who Said I Was Hot, you could be anyone, just like me, so don't sweat it, I just regret writing that I told you I wrote a blog but you didn't ask for the link so guessed you were alright with me writing about you. I wasn't going to write about you anymore than I did. I wasn't. Now who knows when I'll stop. Your fault for being a positive experience.)
This label is about being alone. Being alone with thoughts you can't share with anyone. It's all retrospective of course now, but not really. As I write this, nothing is clear, so writing some things will be really difficult. It's out there. Are they self fulfilling prophecies? What am I creating? I've got to turn that fear which is beneath everything at the moment, into something positive.
This label is about Thursday night which led to Friday morning, where I went to the doctor, which I have to post about, which I don't want to, but what you resist persists God said in those Conversations.
The label has to end on a good note. I've too much blogging experience now to know that it's dangerous to take people on a journey with you... be it to a council flat or to the dentist, although I did take you on my stop smoking journey and it's a year tomorrow that I stopped - Yippee!! Shall I celebrate with you Nico Teen? Awfully hard writing all this...NO! No I shan't! Al Cohol....?
Can't. I'm on antibiotics for a week, my pee sample's been sent to the lab. I will know the result, but you won't, reader. It's an opportunity for me
An opportunity for me to do what stigs?
Well we don't know, do we, self elected leaders of the party that we are.
We just know that things we wanted to write that aren't part of the label will come under the label and that you will know it's over when I write REPENT.
Sunday after the Friday before...The day I asked the angel cards what I can do and the card I got back was from Angel Gabriel, saying he was with me, and to follow the signs... I did that and was told to REPENT.
You lead Gabes, I'll follow...
(and look out for signs!)
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Sex in the 21st Century
Last Friday night I had a one night stand.
I'm telling you this because as I accepted the experience for what it was and felt no guilt or shame or anything I thought I might feel, yet nonetheless wondered how should I feel, because, well, I'm two hundred years old and I don't know, there happened to be quite a bit about sex in our mainstream media.
First, Nicola from Big Brother, who used to be a page three girl, told us all, while in the Diary Room with Twins who used to be Playboy Playmates, that she'd only ever slept with three people.
Why are you telling me that? I thought, as the playmates said nothing, which why would they?
Then, in the Daily Mirror, a woman who works on Loose Women, told us how she'd only ever slept with two men and married them both and now was a single mother who was "ashamed" her marriage had failed and had written a book: "Confessions of a Good Girl."
Eh? Good because you've only slept with two people and married them? Good is being a page three girl who has to justify a low number of shags for..what reason?
On Sunday I phone my mum who tells me the priest had given a sermon on sex a couple of sundays back! You have to know my mum to understand why it took her two weeks to tell me that and understand our relationship to understand why I didn't say "Really mum! Do you know I had sex just yesterday morning! With someone I didn't know! What a coincidence!" She couldn't really remember what he'd said however. Darn!
As my mind began to boggle, I fell upon Mariella Fostrups column in the Observer magazine where a 19 year old girl asks her if it's ok to shag the friend she does drama with, if she doesn't want a relationship with him, will he respect her ( 19! Shit, I'm 200 and feel younger than her! shit, I've got to go a lobbying, where's my mag for Mariella's quote??)
"I'm quite concerned this remains a concern for women 50 years after "free love" and the pill radically altered our sexual mores....In a society where sex is regarded as another currency, women should have the same right to squander it as men. If the female of the species still can't enjoy their lives without being judged by such Victorian values, then just what has changed in terms of gender equality?"
Hear Hear Mariella! She then goes on to say what we all know, that sex is much better, more enhanced with someone you love, but it's up to our own "personal predilection" (p52, Observer mag, 22/01)
What I find interesting from ALL of this and what I've been thinking is women are perceived as an anomaly, we are somehow, unknown and therefore dangerous. Is that why we have to say we haven't had sex/only had one partner/two/three don't think bad of me?
Single women are dangerous, single mothers are the most dangerous of all.
Are we really surprised therefore that the government has directed it's fiercest cuts to our children?
The Man Who Said I Was Hot was a Tory
"I bet you vote Labour," he said.
"I don't as it happens," I replied, "I am the leader of my own party. The I Don't Know Party!"
"What?" he laughs. "How can you have policies with I Don't Know?! ha ha ha!"
"I don't know, we don't have policies, just a manifesto, with questions like..."
The Tory party hates me. Hates Stigmums. Well, Lord Freud did say, didn't he, if there weren't children, there wouldn't be the need for cuts...
Fortunately not all Tories are the same, mustn't generalise too much; some are on our side.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/24/welfare-reform-revolt-tory-peers
As for me, I've always said, always
Good?
Don't call me Good
No chance of that now though is there?
I'm telling you this because as I accepted the experience for what it was and felt no guilt or shame or anything I thought I might feel, yet nonetheless wondered how should I feel, because, well, I'm two hundred years old and I don't know, there happened to be quite a bit about sex in our mainstream media.
First, Nicola from Big Brother, who used to be a page three girl, told us all, while in the Diary Room with Twins who used to be Playboy Playmates, that she'd only ever slept with three people.
Why are you telling me that? I thought, as the playmates said nothing, which why would they?
Then, in the Daily Mirror, a woman who works on Loose Women, told us how she'd only ever slept with two men and married them both and now was a single mother who was "ashamed" her marriage had failed and had written a book: "Confessions of a Good Girl."
Eh? Good because you've only slept with two people and married them? Good is being a page three girl who has to justify a low number of shags for..what reason?
On Sunday I phone my mum who tells me the priest had given a sermon on sex a couple of sundays back! You have to know my mum to understand why it took her two weeks to tell me that and understand our relationship to understand why I didn't say "Really mum! Do you know I had sex just yesterday morning! With someone I didn't know! What a coincidence!" She couldn't really remember what he'd said however. Darn!
As my mind began to boggle, I fell upon Mariella Fostrups column in the Observer magazine where a 19 year old girl asks her if it's ok to shag the friend she does drama with, if she doesn't want a relationship with him, will he respect her ( 19! Shit, I'm 200 and feel younger than her! shit, I've got to go a lobbying, where's my mag for Mariella's quote??)
"I'm quite concerned this remains a concern for women 50 years after "free love" and the pill radically altered our sexual mores....In a society where sex is regarded as another currency, women should have the same right to squander it as men. If the female of the species still can't enjoy their lives without being judged by such Victorian values, then just what has changed in terms of gender equality?"
Hear Hear Mariella! She then goes on to say what we all know, that sex is much better, more enhanced with someone you love, but it's up to our own "personal predilection" (p52, Observer mag, 22/01)
What I find interesting from ALL of this and what I've been thinking is women are perceived as an anomaly, we are somehow, unknown and therefore dangerous. Is that why we have to say we haven't had sex/only had one partner/two/three don't think bad of me?
Single women are dangerous, single mothers are the most dangerous of all.
Are we really surprised therefore that the government has directed it's fiercest cuts to our children?
The Man Who Said I Was Hot was a Tory
"I bet you vote Labour," he said.
"I don't as it happens," I replied, "I am the leader of my own party. The I Don't Know Party!"
"What?" he laughs. "How can you have policies with I Don't Know?! ha ha ha!"
"I don't know, we don't have policies, just a manifesto, with questions like..."
The Tory party hates me. Hates Stigmums. Well, Lord Freud did say, didn't he, if there weren't children, there wouldn't be the need for cuts...
Fortunately not all Tories are the same, mustn't generalise too much; some are on our side.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/jan/24/welfare-reform-revolt-tory-peers
As for me, I've always said, always
Good?
Don't call me Good
No chance of that now though is there?
"You have no self esteem"
On Friday night I had a one night stand.
I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.
"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."
"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."
"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."
"What? No I don't. Do I?
"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"
"Er..."
"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."
"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."
"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."
"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."
"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.
"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."
You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?
He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.
Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.
"You're moving forward," said Jo.
"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."
Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.
And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."
Me!
I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.
(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)
I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.
"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."
"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."
"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."
"What? No I don't. Do I?
"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"
"Er..."
"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."
"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."
"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."
"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."
"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.
"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."
You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?
He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.
Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.
"You're moving forward," said Jo.
"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."
Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.
And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."
Me!
I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.
(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)
Friday, 11 November 2011
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Fuck, who knew????????
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
I see a single mum outside school today who tells me she's going to resign from her job at the NHS. I tell her I'm going to a school reunion.
"That'll be good," she says.
"Oh I dunno, the place was a prison. I'm only just admitting it to myself now that it was traumatic."
We chat, and the long and the short and the tall and the small of it, she tells me that I'm going through post traumatic stress disorder. She went through it years ago with an experience relating to her teens.
The initial experience is so big our brains can't compartmentalise it. Here is a page I just found from Mind. You might find it useful.
I'm a bit blown away to be honest (forgive the pun on this day of all days). 2002 years after the event a light shines.
My breakdowns in Japan, when the Church evicted me, when I was evicted from Papier Mache Towers (which is documented here on the blog)
Who knew??????!
It's November 11th today. 11.11.11.Rememberance Day. NotSupermum has written a beautiful post containing a beautiful poem:
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.
There are a million thoughts in a moment's silence.
I'd just like to say thank you.
Friday, 27 May 2011
Awaiting trial in luxury
I've been oddly drawn to prison programmes of late; Strangeways on ITV and Louis Theroux's excellent, shocking BBC documentary of a Miami mega jail, where inmates awaiting trial are 20 to a cell and regularly beat one another up, sexually assault those weaker and so on and so forth. Crimes range from driving while on a suspended sentence to robbery, rape, murder, all sorts.
Over in New York, Dominque Strauss Kahn, ex IMF boss is also awaiting trial for alleged sexual assault on a hotel chambermaid. He has avoided a similar experience to his poorer Miami peers and has been holed up in a luxury flat complete with spa and gym, according to the Metro. Alright for some ey?
His lawyers are arguing Kahn is not guilty and the sex was consensual... Of course of course, which is why cases over here get thrown out of court for 'lack of evidence'. I hope the laws are somewhat stricter stateside but who knows if comfortable detention like this for the wealthy is anything to go by.
Next to this article in the paper, an "Italian porn star" says she met Kahn a few years ago. "She said he was just a 'libertine'," quotes the paper, "who did not need to rape women "because he can pay for an escort or go to a club."
Oh dear, let's hope the courts recognise that sexual assault and rape is never about sex but about power and control and possibly for Kahn, given the number of women coming out about him now, the thrill of getting away with it.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/864521-dominique-strauss-kahn-lands-luxury-8m-town-house-prison-in-new-york
Over in New York, Dominque Strauss Kahn, ex IMF boss is also awaiting trial for alleged sexual assault on a hotel chambermaid. He has avoided a similar experience to his poorer Miami peers and has been holed up in a luxury flat complete with spa and gym, according to the Metro. Alright for some ey?
His lawyers are arguing Kahn is not guilty and the sex was consensual... Of course of course, which is why cases over here get thrown out of court for 'lack of evidence'. I hope the laws are somewhat stricter stateside but who knows if comfortable detention like this for the wealthy is anything to go by.
Next to this article in the paper, an "Italian porn star" says she met Kahn a few years ago. "She said he was just a 'libertine'," quotes the paper, "who did not need to rape women "because he can pay for an escort or go to a club."
Oh dear, let's hope the courts recognise that sexual assault and rape is never about sex but about power and control and possibly for Kahn, given the number of women coming out about him now, the thrill of getting away with it.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/864521-dominique-strauss-kahn-lands-luxury-8m-town-house-prison-in-new-york
Thursday, 26 May 2011
"How does it feel?"
Am I sitting here writing on purpose? I'm meant to be at Boot Camp. I'm dressed for it.
Stressy morning, we all get them, up too late, kid playing up, wash a cup of tea down between quick shower and dress, got to pack clothes for work, but then everything starts to unravel because where are the fecking trainers????
Did find them eventually, in the cupboard (aren't I organised...) but then the chain came off my bike when we got to school and wouldn't go back on again so I took it to the bike shop and the man said it needed oiling, that the chain and gears were otherwise fine. About to go to the coffee shop on way to bootcamp but realise I have picked up the wrong keys. I can go to bootcamp and leave the bike in the hall but then I can't go to work and leave it anywhere.
OH go home....
I could've gone, made it back up there now, with the proper keys. I wanted to go but in truth, I already felt defeated.
Two weeks ago at the end of class the Master got two of the strongest girls on the floor in a lock and told the rest of us to watch 'her' escape.
Ditso me, says "which one's trying to escape?"
The Master stares at me: "Which one do you think?"
"Well I don't know, Mistress Mountain at the bottom is the obvious choice but maybe somehow she can get Mistress Twin off her and in the weaker position."
"You get under her," he says. "Mistress Mountain, swap with Fist of the Northern Star," (no, he didn't call me that, wonder if it would have helped though...)
I get under Mistress Twin. She has one arm round my neck and the other pinning down my right arm. Her body weight is on me and I can still move my legs.
I try to wrestle her off me.
I can't.
My legs spin, but still I can't get her off me.
"How does it feel?" says the Master.
"Really unpleasant," I say.
"Describe it to us, go on," he says
"Overwhelming...suffocating..."
"You can do better than that, you're the writer, go on, articulate yourself,"
"I can't..." The shame was beginning to creep up. It didn't really end there either. After I was up and free, he asked me how old I was. I couldn't even make a joke about it. When La Francaise got under and aked whether she could pull Mistress Twin's hair, I ventured to say 'what if it's a guy who has no hair to grab on to?" and the Master starts going on about how we're in class and "this isn't some fantasy". I felt so humiliated but slightly vindicated when he said he would teach us how to extracate ourselves from a lock like that.
I wanted to go this morning. Were there really obstacles in my way or was I simply too stressed to see that they weren't, I only had to breathe a little?
Stiggers saying to come back and write. I found a meditation tape from my mindfulness therapy course yesterday and I will do that later this morning. I will remain in uniform while I do it. I feel safe inside it after my 'bodyquake' last year.
I didn't tell you did I, because I deleted it from the entry I posted about Ken Clarke's comments last week - I got a letter from the sexual health clinic saying my psychotherapy regarding yestercentury's rapes would begin in month. I don't want to need it.
We may have sparred today, as we do each week. My son did it at his Kung Fu on Tuesday. It's an important skill, to be aware of your body and what it can do in a fight or flight situation. It's important to be aware of your mind too and what that can do.
I can neither attack nor defend today.
I just have to be still.
Be still
Be
Stressy morning, we all get them, up too late, kid playing up, wash a cup of tea down between quick shower and dress, got to pack clothes for work, but then everything starts to unravel because where are the fecking trainers????
Did find them eventually, in the cupboard (aren't I organised...) but then the chain came off my bike when we got to school and wouldn't go back on again so I took it to the bike shop and the man said it needed oiling, that the chain and gears were otherwise fine. About to go to the coffee shop on way to bootcamp but realise I have picked up the wrong keys. I can go to bootcamp and leave the bike in the hall but then I can't go to work and leave it anywhere.
OH go home....
I could've gone, made it back up there now, with the proper keys. I wanted to go but in truth, I already felt defeated.
Two weeks ago at the end of class the Master got two of the strongest girls on the floor in a lock and told the rest of us to watch 'her' escape.
Ditso me, says "which one's trying to escape?"
The Master stares at me: "Which one do you think?"
"Well I don't know, Mistress Mountain at the bottom is the obvious choice but maybe somehow she can get Mistress Twin off her and in the weaker position."
"You get under her," he says. "Mistress Mountain, swap with Fist of the Northern Star," (no, he didn't call me that, wonder if it would have helped though...)
I get under Mistress Twin. She has one arm round my neck and the other pinning down my right arm. Her body weight is on me and I can still move my legs.
I try to wrestle her off me.
I can't.
My legs spin, but still I can't get her off me.
"How does it feel?" says the Master.
"Really unpleasant," I say.
"Describe it to us, go on," he says
"Overwhelming...suffocating..."
"You can do better than that, you're the writer, go on, articulate yourself,"
"I can't..." The shame was beginning to creep up. It didn't really end there either. After I was up and free, he asked me how old I was. I couldn't even make a joke about it. When La Francaise got under and aked whether she could pull Mistress Twin's hair, I ventured to say 'what if it's a guy who has no hair to grab on to?" and the Master starts going on about how we're in class and "this isn't some fantasy". I felt so humiliated but slightly vindicated when he said he would teach us how to extracate ourselves from a lock like that.
I wanted to go this morning. Were there really obstacles in my way or was I simply too stressed to see that they weren't, I only had to breathe a little?
Stiggers saying to come back and write. I found a meditation tape from my mindfulness therapy course yesterday and I will do that later this morning. I will remain in uniform while I do it. I feel safe inside it after my 'bodyquake' last year.
I didn't tell you did I, because I deleted it from the entry I posted about Ken Clarke's comments last week - I got a letter from the sexual health clinic saying my psychotherapy regarding yestercentury's rapes would begin in month. I don't want to need it.
We may have sparred today, as we do each week. My son did it at his Kung Fu on Tuesday. It's an important skill, to be aware of your body and what it can do in a fight or flight situation. It's important to be aware of your mind too and what that can do.
I can neither attack nor defend today.
I just have to be still.
Be still
Be
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
"Thought provoking" rape stories
Kenneth Clarke, our Justice Secretary, has met the attempted rape victim who challenged him in a radio address last week over his plans to reduce sentences for men who plead guilty.
Apparently he found her story "thought provoking" and promises to "reflect carefully on our useful discussion."
He claims his proposal for reduced sentences protects women from having to go through the trauma of going through a lengthy jury trial but I wonder who believes that. I wonder if it really is about money; it costs to keep offenders in prison.
I wonder if he read the thought provoking article in Saturday's Daily Mirror:
"A TOTAL of 190 rapists have been let off with a caution in the past five years," says the paper. "And a further 12,842 rape claims were not taken further due to lack of evidence." (Page 9)
On the local news last week, a woman sacrificed her anonymity to say she was raped by a man who had just been released from prison for the same offence.
I don't see how reducing sentences for guilty pleas is going to solve anything when so many walk free by simply denying it.
I will say though, what I hope we do not read right now, is a woman making a false accusation against a man. Sadly, although unusual, it happens and all it does is muddy waters that result in thousands of legitimate cases not making it to court at all, never mind any convictions.
There is opportunity for progress now, for women and for male rape victims, but does the Tory party really want it?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/8533399/Sex-attack-victim-meets-Clarke.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/may/25/kenneth-clarke-gabrielle-browne-rape-comments
Apparently he found her story "thought provoking" and promises to "reflect carefully on our useful discussion."
He claims his proposal for reduced sentences protects women from having to go through the trauma of going through a lengthy jury trial but I wonder who believes that. I wonder if it really is about money; it costs to keep offenders in prison.
I wonder if he read the thought provoking article in Saturday's Daily Mirror:
"A TOTAL of 190 rapists have been let off with a caution in the past five years," says the paper. "And a further 12,842 rape claims were not taken further due to lack of evidence." (Page 9)
On the local news last week, a woman sacrificed her anonymity to say she was raped by a man who had just been released from prison for the same offence.
I don't see how reducing sentences for guilty pleas is going to solve anything when so many walk free by simply denying it.
I will say though, what I hope we do not read right now, is a woman making a false accusation against a man. Sadly, although unusual, it happens and all it does is muddy waters that result in thousands of legitimate cases not making it to court at all, never mind any convictions.
There is opportunity for progress now, for women and for male rape victims, but does the Tory party really want it?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/8533399/Sex-attack-victim-meets-Clarke.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/may/25/kenneth-clarke-gabrielle-browne-rape-comments
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Ken Clarke on Question Time tonight?
I've seen Question Time advertised this week because it's taking place at Wormwood's Scrubs, a notorious prison and Dimbleby has said that the Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke will be on the panel.
Oh yes please!
I heard yesterday that rape is not always rape in Mr Clarke's eyes, he believes a distinction can be made between "serious" "forcible" "proper" and "date" rape and sentencing should reflect that. Indeed be written into legislation that men who plead guilty get lesser sentences.
You know how I feel about rape. So few cases even make it to court and the ones that do so often end in the acquittal of the attacker. Only 6% of reported rapes result in a conviction. It's disgusting.
Meanwhile, over in New York, the French International Monetary Fund boss has been refused bail for an 'alleged sexual assault" on a maid at a hotel where he was staying.
Other woman have since come out to say he attacked them and it looks like the contender for the French presidency may go down for his crime and serve a lengthy prison sentence.
I certainly hope so.
In these days of super injunctions, powerful people seem to think they can get away with just about anything. I'm relieved in the IMF case, the victim is being protected.
Clarke will know about this case. I wonder, in light of what everything he's been saying about rape, what are his views on this should anyone in the audience ask, which I hope they do.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/18/strauss-kahn-defence-likely-consent?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487
Oh yes please!
I heard yesterday that rape is not always rape in Mr Clarke's eyes, he believes a distinction can be made between "serious" "forcible" "proper" and "date" rape and sentencing should reflect that. Indeed be written into legislation that men who plead guilty get lesser sentences.
You know how I feel about rape. So few cases even make it to court and the ones that do so often end in the acquittal of the attacker. Only 6% of reported rapes result in a conviction. It's disgusting.
Meanwhile, over in New York, the French International Monetary Fund boss has been refused bail for an 'alleged sexual assault" on a maid at a hotel where he was staying.
Other woman have since come out to say he attacked them and it looks like the contender for the French presidency may go down for his crime and serve a lengthy prison sentence.
I certainly hope so.
In these days of super injunctions, powerful people seem to think they can get away with just about anything. I'm relieved in the IMF case, the victim is being protected.
Clarke will know about this case. I wonder, in light of what everything he's been saying about rape, what are his views on this should anyone in the audience ask, which I hope they do.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/18/strauss-kahn-defence-likely-consent?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487
Sunday, 13 March 2011
W.A.R
WAR - what is it good for? Absolutely nothing goes the song
Unless it's the organisation set up to support and defend victims of rape
Two women who had been raped told the crowded student union room of their ordeal, one her arm still in a sling, broke down as she spoke so recent was the crime.
If you are a rape victim reading this, do not suffer on your own. Women Against Rape will help you as they helped these two women and are helping countless more.
http://www.womenagainstrape.net/women-against-rape
Unless it's the organisation set up to support and defend victims of rape
Two women who had been raped told the crowded student union room of their ordeal, one her arm still in a sling, broke down as she spoke so recent was the crime.
If you are a rape victim reading this, do not suffer on your own. Women Against Rape will help you as they helped these two women and are helping countless more.
http://www.womenagainstrape.net/women-against-rape
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Out with the old and in with the new! - the waning Moon
"The waning Moon is a great time to embrace the 'out with the old and in with the new' ethos, so get rid of anything that is hindering your progress and yes, this includes friends or partners who are no longer doing anything for you. Now is the time to have a good clearout both practically and emotionally so you can move on and achieve all those New Year's resolutions." (Soul and Spirit - January)
Oops, the waning Moon was on the 24th, Monday, I thought it was today...share the knowledge with all those feeling a bit fragile.
Oh well...!
Wanted to say 'you can embrace the 'out with old, in with the new ' over the space of a few days can't you?!
You can spread it out over a week instead of clearing that internal clutter all in one day?
I'm going to label this post over everything; my aching heart, my drug addiction, my housing woes, my hopes for tomorrow.
Breathe... in through the nose, out through the mouth, Saturday is D Day, Dumping Day, the day you'll part company with one old 'friend'!
Oops, the waning Moon was on the 24th, Monday, I thought it was today...share the knowledge with all those feeling a bit fragile.
Oh well...!
Wanted to say 'you can embrace the 'out with old, in with the new ' over the space of a few days can't you?!
You can spread it out over a week instead of clearing that internal clutter all in one day?
I'm going to label this post over everything; my aching heart, my drug addiction, my housing woes, my hopes for tomorrow.
Breathe... in through the nose, out through the mouth, Saturday is D Day, Dumping Day, the day you'll part company with one old 'friend'!
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
The danger with Al Cohol
Quite stunning Al Cohol's ability to drown out your better instinct. The knowledge of its propensity to make one think 'sod it' has been quite sobering in recent times.
Instinct on your right shoulder: "Stop now, you don't need any more."
Al Cohol on your left: "Oh go on, you know you want to!"
I don't drink very often, I drink mostly when I have company. Few of my girlfriends can pack it away like I can. I'm no match for some of my male friends. Must be owing to my size.
I'm abandoning Nico Teen; I can see myself rushing into Al Cohol's embrace as I try to fill the void left behind.
What is it about fear which has it reaching out for everything that's no good for you? Hopelessness is just as bad.
I mention this only because I'm on the waiting list for therapy. I know what my problem is.
I know that I'm not alone, though I'm not suggesting you are like me.
I mention this also because the single mother and the peer story got me thinking. In any sex story, be it consensual, be it rape, reporters will always ask: "Was alcohol involved?"
Judgment sharpening its claws..
I'm not going to stop drinking, I enjoy it.
I must stop bingeing though, the hangovers...not what they were two decades ago.
I'm going to become European about it!
A little everyday instead of alot all in one go every now and then!
Instinct on your right shoulder: "Stop now, you don't need any more."
Al Cohol on your left: "Oh go on, you know you want to!"
I don't drink very often, I drink mostly when I have company. Few of my girlfriends can pack it away like I can. I'm no match for some of my male friends. Must be owing to my size.
I'm abandoning Nico Teen; I can see myself rushing into Al Cohol's embrace as I try to fill the void left behind.
What is it about fear which has it reaching out for everything that's no good for you? Hopelessness is just as bad.
I mention this only because I'm on the waiting list for therapy. I know what my problem is.
I know that I'm not alone, though I'm not suggesting you are like me.
I mention this also because the single mother and the peer story got me thinking. In any sex story, be it consensual, be it rape, reporters will always ask: "Was alcohol involved?"
Judgment sharpening its claws..
I'm not going to stop drinking, I enjoy it.
I must stop bingeing though, the hangovers...not what they were two decades ago.
I'm going to become European about it!
A little everyday instead of alot all in one go every now and then!
Nico Teen and Sex
A long time ago, crikey, the last millenium, a friend said to me:
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"Yeah! Do you?!"
"I've never noticed!"
"Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
The joke always fell flat when I tried it.
"Do you smoke after sex?!"
"No."
"Damn, there's a joke..."
Oh Jo, I know I said "No, no, NO!" as your eyebrow raised higher and higher when I told you Luke was coming to stay. "That's three no's," you said.
Annie and Issy, I know I told you that there'd be no way! It's over! It is!
It was funny the following morning, you know, our sunday communion (ho ho). "Where? Where?!" we laughed like a couple of teenagers, my son on his computer, oblivious to it all, thank goodness.
Afterwards, with Nico Teen, out on the balcony, he was leaving in a couple of hours.
"When you next visit," I said, stalling. "When you next visit or I visit you, we've got to be the friends we were when you arrived yesterday."
"Yeah, we'll always be friends, you know that."
"I don't think.." I saw our future there, played out before me.. "No, I can't, I can't do this, it wouldn't be fair on myself."
"No," he replied. "It wouldn't be fair on you. It wouldn't be fair on me either. We've been here before."
A big draw on Nico Teen, the two of us. Hit me where I'm hurting, hit me hit me hit meeeeeee.
He's not been in touch nor me with him. It means he's feeling the way I do.
Time, distance, silence - great healers.
But you've got a purpose haven't you stiggers. You've always got a purpose....
Carr makes a small reference to post coital smoking triggers in his book. Didn't think I could comment, but I can!
A cigarette isn't always as good as the sex that precedes it!
The knowledge that comes with awareness ey....
C'mon Nico Teen, grateful I've got you for a few more days.
What's to miss ey, what's to miss...
Draw a line, move on, don't look back....
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"Yeah! Do you?!"
"I've never noticed!"
"Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
The joke always fell flat when I tried it.
"Do you smoke after sex?!"
"No."
"Damn, there's a joke..."
Oh Jo, I know I said "No, no, NO!" as your eyebrow raised higher and higher when I told you Luke was coming to stay. "That's three no's," you said.
Annie and Issy, I know I told you that there'd be no way! It's over! It is!
It was funny the following morning, you know, our sunday communion (ho ho). "Where? Where?!" we laughed like a couple of teenagers, my son on his computer, oblivious to it all, thank goodness.
Afterwards, with Nico Teen, out on the balcony, he was leaving in a couple of hours.
"When you next visit," I said, stalling. "When you next visit or I visit you, we've got to be the friends we were when you arrived yesterday."
"Yeah, we'll always be friends, you know that."
"I don't think.." I saw our future there, played out before me.. "No, I can't, I can't do this, it wouldn't be fair on myself."
"No," he replied. "It wouldn't be fair on you. It wouldn't be fair on me either. We've been here before."
A big draw on Nico Teen, the two of us. Hit me where I'm hurting, hit me hit me hit meeeeeee.
He's not been in touch nor me with him. It means he's feeling the way I do.
Time, distance, silence - great healers.
But you've got a purpose haven't you stiggers. You've always got a purpose....
Carr makes a small reference to post coital smoking triggers in his book. Didn't think I could comment, but I can!
A cigarette isn't always as good as the sex that precedes it!
The knowledge that comes with awareness ey....
C'mon Nico Teen, grateful I've got you for a few more days.
What's to miss ey, what's to miss...
Draw a line, move on, don't look back....
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Exercise Replacement Therapy
The Master wasn't at Boot Camp today so we had another guy come in and train us.
I'd been expecting to "beat myself up," or "myself beat me up" after yesterday's consultation but not in two hours of cardio and circuit training, did I want to do that.
On the contrary, I kept telling myself to breathe in power, breathe in strength. Feel my power, feel my strength.
It was good, it was really good.
Opening wounds can be very painful but cathartic as the blood oozes out.
I cried alot yesterday afternoon, you see. Hiding in Coffee Republic, pretending to read a book, my head in my hands tears rolling, splashing, streams drip drip dripping onto the table, no nicoteen to stop my crying, just let my crying flow...
The time has come to heal, I'm thinking.
I'd been expecting to "beat myself up," or "myself beat me up" after yesterday's consultation but not in two hours of cardio and circuit training, did I want to do that.
On the contrary, I kept telling myself to breathe in power, breathe in strength. Feel my power, feel my strength.
It was good, it was really good.
Opening wounds can be very painful but cathartic as the blood oozes out.
I cried alot yesterday afternoon, you see. Hiding in Coffee Republic, pretending to read a book, my head in my hands tears rolling, splashing, streams drip drip dripping onto the table, no nicoteen to stop my crying, just let my crying flow...
The time has come to heal, I'm thinking.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
January's Full Moon
Today is the full Moon
This month's full Moon is a little earlier than usual and begins on the 19th; it's a good time to put some of those plans you made at the beginning of the month into action. Arrange meetings, network, socialise and generally get yourself out and about from now up until the 26th when the moon goes back to a waning phase. The full Moon is a good time to start new relationships, too, so if you've had your eye on someone, now is the time to take a chance. (Soul & Spirit, January 2011, p13)
I did not foresee that the new relationship would be with me.
I have a consultation today with a psycho sexual consultant.
I am...... shitting it...for want of putting a finer word on it!
I feel like I'm going to this consultant to advocate for and with someone I do not know, and today is the first time I'm going to meet her as well.
"Hello Myself"
I'm afraid she might bite
but I've met her before
she's more likely to howl....
This month's full Moon is a little earlier than usual and begins on the 19th; it's a good time to put some of those plans you made at the beginning of the month into action. Arrange meetings, network, socialise and generally get yourself out and about from now up until the 26th when the moon goes back to a waning phase. The full Moon is a good time to start new relationships, too, so if you've had your eye on someone, now is the time to take a chance. (Soul & Spirit, January 2011, p13)
I did not foresee that the new relationship would be with me.
I have a consultation today with a psycho sexual consultant.
I am...... shitting it...for want of putting a finer word on it!
I feel like I'm going to this consultant to advocate for and with someone I do not know, and today is the first time I'm going to meet her as well.
"Hello Myself"
I'm afraid she might bite
but I've met her before
she's more likely to howl....
Monday, 17 January 2011
Saved by Issy's phone call
My clear mind clouded yesterday evening.
When I stop smoking how will I hurt myself?
Phone rings. Issy! I ask her the same question.
She tells me she has a friend who does kick boxing.
Of course! Bazza's Boot Camp!
I already thought of that! How silly of me! I went two weeks ago, (where I beat up Nico Teen!) it was cancelled last thursday.
Ah the joy! For those like me who beat themselves up, self defence classes, martial arts, are the way to go!
Thanks Issy!
Down the line I will have to watch out for food - my ability to seek comfort, particularly when I am happy.
I'll put in good practice codes when I'm withdrawing from nicoteen, recognise cravings and learn to deal with them (with water helped me in the past, and also breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth)
To live is to learn
Pass it on...
When I stop smoking how will I hurt myself?
Phone rings. Issy! I ask her the same question.
She tells me she has a friend who does kick boxing.
Of course! Bazza's Boot Camp!
I already thought of that! How silly of me! I went two weeks ago, (where I beat up Nico Teen!) it was cancelled last thursday.
Ah the joy! For those like me who beat themselves up, self defence classes, martial arts, are the way to go!
Thanks Issy!
Down the line I will have to watch out for food - my ability to seek comfort, particularly when I am happy.
I'll put in good practice codes when I'm withdrawing from nicoteen, recognise cravings and learn to deal with them (with water helped me in the past, and also breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth)
To live is to learn
Pass it on...
Timing
I wanted to stop smoking today. I had one fag left in the packet yesterday, I felt excited that this morning it would be final one. Gosh, the feeling of extinguishing that cigarette for the very last time, chucking the packet in the bin knowing that I would never buy myself another one again.
I didn't sleep last night though, the first time in this flat. The first time I didn't use Nico Teen to get back to sleep. Would I have done if I'd had Virginia? If I'd had two ready rolled left would I have smoked one of them to help me back to the Land of Nod? Doubt it. They do taste revolting, and I don't know if it's the extra chemicals in them or what, but I've been getting headaches and feeling nauseous since I've been buying them (should make my withdrawal symptoms a breeze when I stop, knowing that!)
I bought another packet of JPS before hopping on the bus this morning. Put it in my bag next to my copy of Easyway To Stop smoking.
Desire and addiction sat side by side. Desire and addiction one in the same thing to the sufferer.
I didn't have a fag when I walked out of the sexual health clinic
I had a fag when I walked out the cafe afterwards.
I wasn't gasping for one
It was automatic. I only became aware after I'd lit it.
One battle at a time.
Do not think failure.
I didn't sleep last night though, the first time in this flat. The first time I didn't use Nico Teen to get back to sleep. Would I have done if I'd had Virginia? If I'd had two ready rolled left would I have smoked one of them to help me back to the Land of Nod? Doubt it. They do taste revolting, and I don't know if it's the extra chemicals in them or what, but I've been getting headaches and feeling nauseous since I've been buying them (should make my withdrawal symptoms a breeze when I stop, knowing that!)
I bought another packet of JPS before hopping on the bus this morning. Put it in my bag next to my copy of Easyway To Stop smoking.
Desire and addiction sat side by side. Desire and addiction one in the same thing to the sufferer.
I didn't have a fag when I walked out of the sexual health clinic
I had a fag when I walked out the cafe afterwards.
I wasn't gasping for one
It was automatic. I only became aware after I'd lit it.
One battle at a time.
Do not think failure.
First Steps
I make my way over to the Margaret Pyke Centre off Tottenham Court Road. Was way too hungover on Friday. Today was the day.
"Hi. I'd like to book an appointment with a psychosexual councillor please."
"Have you been here before?"
"No, my doctor said she could refer me but, I dunno, when she said I could refer myself, I figured it would be quicker."
"You do know you won't see a councillor straight away, you'll have to see a consultant first."
"Yes, my doctor told me."
"How urgently do you need the appointment?"
"Pffff.."
"I have an appointment at 3.30 this afternoon if you want?"
"No, I have a child."
"How about wednesday at (the clock chime)?"
"Yeah, that should be ok. Thanks."
"Would you like me to write it down?"
"If you could, that would be great."
I slipped the piece of card in my Easyway to Stop Smoking book. Two things I must remember. Two things I must remember whilst simultaneously forgetting the causes that put them in my bag.
I walked out with a strong desire to cry. I walked to the nearest cafe and ordered a cup of tea.
It's worth remembering that once babies have taken their first step, pretty soon they're running up to you with open arms and a massive smile. Who's to say we adults can't do that?
I hope this post gives you the courage to help yourself too.
"Hi. I'd like to book an appointment with a psychosexual councillor please."
"Have you been here before?"
"No, my doctor said she could refer me but, I dunno, when she said I could refer myself, I figured it would be quicker."
"You do know you won't see a councillor straight away, you'll have to see a consultant first."
"Yes, my doctor told me."
"How urgently do you need the appointment?"
"Pffff.."
"I have an appointment at 3.30 this afternoon if you want?"
"No, I have a child."
"How about wednesday at (the clock chime)?"
"Yeah, that should be ok. Thanks."
"Would you like me to write it down?"
"If you could, that would be great."
I slipped the piece of card in my Easyway to Stop Smoking book. Two things I must remember. Two things I must remember whilst simultaneously forgetting the causes that put them in my bag.
I walked out with a strong desire to cry. I walked to the nearest cafe and ordered a cup of tea.
It's worth remembering that once babies have taken their first step, pretty soon they're running up to you with open arms and a massive smile. Who's to say we adults can't do that?
I hope this post gives you the courage to help yourself too.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Visit to the doctor No 9?
What a turn of events! Yesterday afternoon the doctor's surgery called me to say the appointment for today has been cancelled! I should call to make another in the morning with a new doctor!
"Social workers arranged it, not me. Should I get them to re-arrange it?"
It's fortuitous, it really is. I was dreading facing my doctor again. She might be a nice person but how do you go back after that last meeting? This change is an opportunity to get a new doctor, which I planned on doing at some point.
I called the surgery this morning. The appointment's at 4 o'clock. Not ideal given it's outside school hours, but as I said to the receptionist, if two social workers were planning on coming, then one of them can look after the lad!
All's well that ends well I hope. I'm going to ask to be signed off work. Well, not work exactly, I want a job, I want to ask to be signed off jobseeker's allowance.
Apparantly you can't do courses on jobseekers, if it is outside their remit (ie another Masters, which I didn't plan on doing anyway, anything at CityLit.. you have to do training they have on their books, computer courses and the like)
Two ideas I have: A course on teaching adults or else seeing if I can get an internship at a social research organisation. Sadly these people are unlikely to give me a job, I've been too long out of it.
I'll also tell them I'm going to go to Women and Health, and chase my own therapy. I need to do this for myself. Once and for all, I need to nail my demons and start to value who I am.
Try it if you need to. However big, however small, if you have a dark stone within you, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it. If someone can help you do that, all the better.
I personally have to do it quickly. The desire to move on is overwhelming.
"Social workers arranged it, not me. Should I get them to re-arrange it?"
It's fortuitous, it really is. I was dreading facing my doctor again. She might be a nice person but how do you go back after that last meeting? This change is an opportunity to get a new doctor, which I planned on doing at some point.
I called the surgery this morning. The appointment's at 4 o'clock. Not ideal given it's outside school hours, but as I said to the receptionist, if two social workers were planning on coming, then one of them can look after the lad!
All's well that ends well I hope. I'm going to ask to be signed off work. Well, not work exactly, I want a job, I want to ask to be signed off jobseeker's allowance.
Apparantly you can't do courses on jobseekers, if it is outside their remit (ie another Masters, which I didn't plan on doing anyway, anything at CityLit.. you have to do training they have on their books, computer courses and the like)
Two ideas I have: A course on teaching adults or else seeing if I can get an internship at a social research organisation. Sadly these people are unlikely to give me a job, I've been too long out of it.
I'll also tell them I'm going to go to Women and Health, and chase my own therapy. I need to do this for myself. Once and for all, I need to nail my demons and start to value who I am.
Try it if you need to. However big, however small, if you have a dark stone within you, you owe it to yourself to get rid of it. If someone can help you do that, all the better.
I personally have to do it quickly. The desire to move on is overwhelming.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Me and my laptop in synch
I tell the property owner when she comes round that I got her letter of warning and I'll reply to it as soon as I can get my printer working again. "OK" is all she says. No conversation starts with the electrician, and once he's there anyway, she carries on like I'm not.
That's fine for when she arrived I carried on playing with my son while she nosied around and noticed the lock on the front door was broken. I told her to leave it, there were two other locks. Then she asked how it happened and what with her loving to blame me I said: "I might have shut it too hard. You yourself said it was a fragile frame so I can't take all the responsibility for it."
Anyway, I'm rambling, this is supposed to be about me and my laptop.
In short, my laptop needs a "full recovery". The dvd/cd entry thing is jammed, won't open. I rang support (and I'm covered luckily) and the device for it was nowhere on my lovely, little hardware. So the man said I have to bring it instore for a "full recovery". I'm scared. I truly am. I'm a luddite remember. I don't know how to save web links and stuff. I'm even more scared there's something seriously wrong with it and what ever needs to recover, will never recover (in which case I'll tell them not to do recovery work and carry on working on my damaged sanity saver). It's appointment with the PC guys is at 3.30 tomorrow at the end of the earth somewhere.
Meanwhile, I need a "full recovery" too. Like the laptop, my appointment for (yawn, yet another) shrink assessment is at 1pm tomorrow . I didn't think I'd get my son a playdate but my friend Jab's saved the day.
A good friend sent me a love letter at the weekend. A beautiful letter. Aaaargh!
Do men that like me, like me because I resist them?
Is my being single a choice or a comfort?
Timely the shrink visit but why oh why did I schedule my equally damaged laptop in the same day?
Wasn't thinking, that's why. Wasn't bleddy finkin'....
I hope my laptop will be alright.
That's fine for when she arrived I carried on playing with my son while she nosied around and noticed the lock on the front door was broken. I told her to leave it, there were two other locks. Then she asked how it happened and what with her loving to blame me I said: "I might have shut it too hard. You yourself said it was a fragile frame so I can't take all the responsibility for it."
Anyway, I'm rambling, this is supposed to be about me and my laptop.
In short, my laptop needs a "full recovery". The dvd/cd entry thing is jammed, won't open. I rang support (and I'm covered luckily) and the device for it was nowhere on my lovely, little hardware. So the man said I have to bring it instore for a "full recovery". I'm scared. I truly am. I'm a luddite remember. I don't know how to save web links and stuff. I'm even more scared there's something seriously wrong with it and what ever needs to recover, will never recover (in which case I'll tell them not to do recovery work and carry on working on my damaged sanity saver). It's appointment with the PC guys is at 3.30 tomorrow at the end of the earth somewhere.
Meanwhile, I need a "full recovery" too. Like the laptop, my appointment for (yawn, yet another) shrink assessment is at 1pm tomorrow . I didn't think I'd get my son a playdate but my friend Jab's saved the day.
A good friend sent me a love letter at the weekend. A beautiful letter. Aaaargh!
Do men that like me, like me because I resist them?
Is my being single a choice or a comfort?
Timely the shrink visit but why oh why did I schedule my equally damaged laptop in the same day?
Wasn't thinking, that's why. Wasn't bleddy finkin'....
I hope my laptop will be alright.
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