Wednesday, 25 January 2012

"You have no self esteem"

On Friday night I had a one night stand.

I'm telling you this because the man I had the one night stand with told me, in three different ways, that I had no self esteem.

"You told me last night that you thought the men inside the club were being paid to talk to you."

"Yeah..heh heh, not just me, other women too."

"Wow, you must have really low self esteem."

"What? No I don't. Do I?

"You seriously think that club has men on their payroll to go out and sleep with women?"


"Why would they do that? You must have no self esteem."

"Er, well, why wouldn't a club, er..."

"Men have to be paid to talk to you? You're fucked, you have no self esteem."

"You know, I think you might be right (say I, thinking of my life, of battles lost, job applications rejected), but I have something..."

"You're really untidy." he says looking around, as if to get his bearings.

"Well, I wasn't exactly expecting you. However, you see I have nothing to hide..."

You know the most extraordinary thing about this quite extraordinary experience (because it was an extraordinary experience)?

He knew my friend Jo. Finding out where I used to work, he said he worked there too and there we made the connection. "She's a legend!" he said. "Yes, she is!" I replied.

Had lunch with Jo yesterday. Fancy that! He said to her, but not to me.

"You're moving forward," said Jo.

"Yeah I know. I may not have self esteem, but I've got some self worth."

Thank you my one night stand. I shall throw away the fags you left behind (instead of smoking them myself/giving them to someone else) becuase, well, because I wish you well.

And you reader, if I talk about this experience again, I will refer to him simply as The Man Who Said I Was Hot.
He didn't exactly say I was hot, he said I was "the hottest woman in the bar."


I don't know how to label this, reluctant to file it under Rape (to indicate how far I've come) I wish I'd never set up that label but it has to exist I guess.
This can be the last ever post under it.
I draw a line.
My thoughts on men now will file under relationships or men and women, I don't know.
I just know my thoughts, on anything, aren't over.

(Oh and I told The Man Who Said I Was Hot that I wrote a blog. He said "What's that," and I said "a kind of online diary," and he said "oh" without asking more, so I guess he's cool with me using our experience if I want to)


Leslie Young said...

I am recently divorced and even since my separation with my husband, I've stopped trying to care for myself. I am struggling to gain control my life again, but I have found ways on to help break this cycle I am in. I suggest taking a look and hope it helps!

Stigmum said...

Thanks for this Leslie, also because the link is there for others who may pass through this post.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent divorce, totally understand the whole lack of care for yourself thing because woo, look at me!! There might be posts in this blog which help you, as I simultaneously write how people feel, through my own experience of course, and try to heal myself, or find some kind of resolution. People can try the same thing or find something in what I write that helps them, even perhaps that they are not alone!

I've actually also got an appointment with a psychologist in March (long long waiting lists!)

Focus now on caring for yourself. I know it's hard, I struggle with it, but slowly slowly slowly we'll get there.

Good luck!
Good luck!