Knock knock

Council man came over. I'm tired and have a headache as a result of it so I'll be brief. He said when my lease expires I may end up in a hostel and would I accept the private rental scheme. No no no I said again and will tell you why next week. I would now, but it bores me rigid and I have said headache.

He suggested he'd tell someone to come over to help me tidy up! Initially it sounded fantastic. Of course it transpired that said person will just chuck out my stuff, wily nily and well, I don't want to get rid of my son's home made cardboard computers or his cereal packet robot and I don't want anyone else to either. I will recycle my newspapers soon.

He said my flat was a 'health and safety issue' my son 'could trip' (On what?! A piece of paper?) then asked if I had a social worker. When I said no, he asked if I was coping and suddenly I got afraid of child theft by social services and said 'absolutely fine thank you' which won't help my case for housing because it helps not to be coping at all.

Then, total numnut that I am, he asked if I was on anti depressants and I told him no. What a fool! They might take away my medical points given to me when I was. I told him I did have a cupboard full of the ones I stockpiled though should I decide to go to sleep one night when my son's at his dad's.

(I like to have a choice following my suicide contemplation a couple of years ago as I stood staring out the window that barely opens wondering how I should do it... Then a powercut, a voice in the dark, 'mummy?' I hadn't realised he was there. The experience frightened me, so much so that after I ran my son a candle lit bath, I ran myself one and added a few drops of lavender oil just to be nice to myself. Stockpiling my drugs gives me a choice. Choose life heh heh)

I can see myself coming back to my conversation with him over the next few days or weeks. When I do though, I'll bring in the people I met when I did my dissertation. I focussed on families in hostel accommodation. "Home sweet home?" I asked them all. A straightforward question doesn't always get a straightforward answer.