Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Big Bad Post Holiday Missing Boy Blues....

Monday - SLAM - I wanted to be dead.

What am I doing here?

It's difficult to describe falling into the abyss apart from it's all black so you can't even see what you're thinking.

Trying to locate what tipped me over the edge. I'd had a great time on Friday with a friend, then a gig and bbq on Saturday. A guy I was meant to be meeting on Sunday got in touch at 7pm but I couldn't be arsed by then. I met him Monday lunch time when pins started pricking the back of my eyeballs and I wanted to be at home.

I went, wanting to climb into bed, but my doorbell went and it was my mate Charlie. I wanted to tell him to piss off but I didn't have the energy so I made him a cup of tea and didn't say much. Until I started speaking

A pub landlady I know is first shortlisted to view a flat near my son's school. If that was me I wouldn't have to worry about my son's education ever again. That part of my life would be over, that part of his life would be settled. Then I shut up again, inconsolable.

Oh I'd looked at the bidding of the past few weeks, couldn't see the place she's viewing. She's been on the list 5 years, has way points than me, you can't ask me why..

My mate Charlie invited me to chill around his, just like my friend at lunchtime and I said no.

Went to bed at 11 and slept 12 hours.

Down Down Down...

DO SOMETHING

I went and bought a flat pack 2 x 3 storage cabinet from Argos with tokens that I have. Reduced from £75 to £25. Clear the clutter.
Ended up texting Charlie in an SOS for help. He invited me around again and I said no. I went to see Bridesmaids at the cinema instead and laughed til I cried and then cried for real.

Feeling fragile today, but I don't want to be dead.

HANG IN THERE.

ONE MOMENT AT A TIME.

My boy will be back before I know it and I have our holiday on camera.

I've a DIY desk and chair being delivered tomorrow courtesy of the remainder of my tokens. Soon I can write looking out of the window.

None of us should want to be dead.

2 comments:

Frankie P said...

That isn't your boss is it? I do feel for you and hope you get a place soon... In moments like this think of your son and how he needs you and if your friends want to help let them. xx

Stigmum said...

My boss? No, though I think I may get the sack from the pub job as forgot to turn up last week. No doubt all part of the 'what's the point?' going through my mind. BUT flat packing a good idea cos I'm thinking I'm setting up the flat to hopefully work from home. Maybe. Trying to think positive!!
I think of my son alot, but if friends want to help I tend to hide, that's why here is my housing dumping ground so I don't have to dump on them - still.
We won't get a place soon. I don't know when we will and I hate thinking about it because it makes me want to cry every time. This is a nice place here but I can't afford it.
Thanks though Frankie, for your gratefully received cyber support!