My Italian neighbour knows I write a secret blog but has always had the kind grace not to enquire what it is.
I didn't tell him I was on antibiotics and that's what I was writing about, or that I'd had a one night stand that I will be writing about, because I was out with him the night I met He Who Said I Was Hot. Both nights being a catalyst for change within me and has thrown into question, really, just how long can I keep writing a blog as personal as this.
The other week I met a new person in the coffee shop who asked me what I did for a living and I'd said without really thinking "I write streams of consciousness that sometimes makes its way into newspapers!"
Thursday night of spinning fear I told myself that my life definitely had to change and accepted, I accepted that night, that I would have to stop writing this blog.
This morning I showed the guy in the coffee shop my article on the area's nightlife that has made it into a newspaper supplement, after he asked me how my 'writing projects' were going. "Is that your name?" he said. "Is that the name you write your stream stuff?"
"No, I have an alter ego."
"Oh, what's her name?"
"I can't tell you!"
"Oh that's not fair!" he said.
"OK," I said and I told him because I know that though Stigmum appears on google her given name doesn't lead to me. She could be anybody! He laughed.
"I'm going to stop writing though," I said. "As her conduit, she makes me go places I don't wanna go!!!" He laughed at that too.
My Italian neighbour didn't laugh. He's a musician. He busks at Westminster. We spoke about how the Black Dog is really great for creativity. Awful to reach in that far but how it lends power to what you write.
"I cannot die for my art," I said to him giggling. "I've got my son to think about."
"Sure," he said. "But don't stop writing!"
I told Jobs in Mind advisor I wanted to 'create my way out of my situation' and I'm not convinced Stiggers, as much as I love her and she has valid things to say, will help me do that.
(I also told him "I write a little bit" and he told me not to say that at my Atos interview or they'll put me down for admin jobs...He saw, he saw, I have something more to give... ee aw ee aw I'm a donkey! - streams, see.....don't depress me!)