I've posted my details on a free dating site.
I haven't uploaded a photo, I've said all I want to do is email, I haven't responded to two messages that have since popped into my inbox.
I'm not looking for a 'mate' so why have I done this?
I'm an old hand at online dating. I've done it on and off for years. I was afraid of men after the Foca left, couldn't even look at them, so it was good therapy for me.
"Why are you on here if you don't want to meet anyone?" asked one.
"Why not?" I replied. I'd reply to every message I received back then, regardless of who it was from.
The beauty of online dating for me was that I was cyberdumped constantly. I was cyberdumped all the time! Rejection didn't matter in cyberspace. I didn't know who they were and they didn't know me. Sometimes it was quite gutting but you get over it remarkably quickly.
This medium for meeting people separated the wheat from the chaff.
Many were put off by my child.
If this didn't deter them I told them I was on benefits.
If they accepted this I told them I was on the homeless register.
If this didn't bother them then I would meet them.
The most enlightening thing to come out of it all was that who I was attracted to didn't tally at all with who was attracted to me.
I sent messages to countless handsome photographs and witty profiles. Only a handful ever responded always saying my child would render the relationship too difficult. Ho hum.
I did meet quite alot of men in the end. I was always slightly disappointed when I clapped eyes on them because they looked nothing like their photos, but they never were when they saw me, which was a boost to say the least.
"Can I see you again?" asked the illustrator.
"Are you asking me or the table?"
I enjoyed long email friendships with men who were often as wary as me. I had a couple of really quite intense cybercrushes. One man said he wanted to meet someone 'slim and attractive' and I'd sent him a message asking "What will you do if you fall for a woman who grows fat on your love?" He was a bee keeper. He'd been stung by a mother. He'd grown very fond of the children and missed them a great deal when the relationship ended. We'd chat for hours on Instant Messenger, way into the night. I eventually suggested meeting for coffee and didn't hear from him for months until one day he popped up on facebook. "I was afraid," he said. He's happy with a childless woman now.
You can get to know yourself on these things. You can start believing in people again. I learnt to become less shallow. I was becoming jaded though. It was time to call it a day.
So I don't know why I've re subscribed to a new site. I am not interested in meeting any of the men there.
Perhaps it's a form of resistance. I'll take myself off.