Thursday, 26 May 2011

"How does it feel?"

Am I sitting here writing on purpose? I'm meant to be at Boot Camp. I'm dressed for it.

Stressy morning, we all get them, up too late, kid playing up, wash a cup of tea down between quick shower and dress, got to pack clothes for work, but then everything starts to unravel because where are the fecking trainers????

Did find them eventually, in the cupboard (aren't I organised...) but then the chain came off my bike when we got to school and wouldn't go back on again so I took it to the bike shop and the man said it needed oiling, that the chain and gears were otherwise fine. About to go to the coffee shop on way to bootcamp but realise I have picked up the wrong keys. I can go to bootcamp and leave the bike in the hall but then I can't go to work and leave it anywhere.

OH go home....

I could've gone, made it back up there now, with the proper keys. I wanted to go but in truth, I already felt defeated.

Two weeks ago at the end of class the Master got two of the strongest girls on the floor in a lock and told the rest of us to watch 'her' escape.

Ditso me, says "which one's trying to escape?"

The Master stares at me: "Which one do you think?"

"Well I don't know, Mistress Mountain at the bottom is the obvious choice but maybe somehow she can get Mistress Twin off her and in the weaker position."

"You get under her," he says. "Mistress Mountain, swap with Fist of the Northern Star," (no, he didn't call me that, wonder if it would have helped though...)

I get under Mistress Twin. She has one arm round my neck and the other pinning down my right arm. Her body weight is on me and I can still move my legs.

I try to wrestle her off me.

I can't.

My legs spin, but still I can't get her off me.

"How does it feel?" says the Master.

"Really unpleasant," I say.

"Describe it to us, go on," he says


"You can do better than that, you're the writer, go on, articulate yourself,"

"I can't..." The shame was beginning to creep up. It didn't really end there either. After I was up and free, he asked me how old I was. I couldn't even make a joke about it. When La Francaise got under and aked whether she could pull Mistress Twin's hair, I ventured to say 'what if it's a guy who has no hair to grab on to?" and the Master starts going on about how we're in class and "this isn't some fantasy". I felt so humiliated but slightly vindicated when he said he would teach us how to extracate ourselves from a lock like that.

I wanted to go this morning. Were there really obstacles in my way or was I simply too stressed to see that they weren't, I only had to breathe a little?

Stiggers saying to come back and write. I found a meditation tape from my mindfulness therapy course yesterday and I will do that later this morning. I will remain in uniform while I do it. I feel safe inside it after my 'bodyquake' last year.

I didn't tell you did I, because I deleted it from the entry I posted about Ken Clarke's comments last week - I got a letter from the sexual health clinic saying my psychotherapy regarding yestercentury's rapes would begin in month. I don't want to need it.

We may have sparred today, as we do each week. My son did it at his Kung Fu on Tuesday. It's an important skill, to be aware of your body and what it can do in a fight or flight situation. It's important to be aware of your mind too and what that can do.

I can neither attack nor defend today.

I just have to be still.

Be still


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