"What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me...
I'll get by with a little help from my friends...."
The Beatles sang this as I walked into Boot Camp last week thinking I would fly or cry following my dealings with the council and my appearance in the local paper. If I were to fly or cry I wanted to be in a safe place, having just experienced a mental breakdown, and I didn't want to be alone when it happened. Boot Camp is a safe place.
Clutching the paper I told the Master I would only sit and watch today. Only when I said "you're the Zen Master on my blog!" did he acquiesce and let me sit.
I put on my uniform; "it's not combattant, it's empowering," I told myself.
I was too weary to sit, so I lay down. Mistress Twin offered me a mat to lie on but I said no.
I started to breathe, in and out, but the hard surface was uncomfortable so I bought my knees up, my feet on the floor.
For the next hour and a half my body shook and trembled. Violently, it shook and trembled. My knees crashed together, I raised my arse, supporting my body with my shoulders and my cellulite wobbled like set jelly side to side, my pelvis bobbing up and down out of time with the beat of the Hip Hop the Master had put on the stereo. "She's purging the devil!" said a voice from my past. "Let's burn her at the stake!" said a voice from centuries past. Meanwhile I couldn't contain my laughter and was giggling. I must look ridiculous!
The Master and the Mistresses carried on regardless with the class. My body carried on regardless as I remembered the words of the Master years ago when teaching us the principles of Tai Chi: "Your legs are the mountains, your body is the water."
Feet pinned to the ground, my body went with its flow. Voices, memories, enough, enough, I tried to send in light.
I got up three times to go to the loo. I smiled at the Mistresses, who smiled back.
Shake, tremble, crash, shake, tremble, crash.
Finally, I decided to sit in a lotus position and calm my body down. No such luck! I bobbed up and down with such ferocity my hair flew all over the place.
I heard the Master call an end to the class. I went to stand on the mat with the other Mistresses. The shaking stopped; my body finally relaxed.
"Can I come and do this again next week?" I asked the Master. "I think there's more to come out!"
"No," he said. "Next week I want you back with the group. You'll build up your strength best in the group."
I haven't gone obviously, I'm here in Blogspot. I still feel weak, my nights are still restless but I'll go next week. I'll start back from the beginning next week.
Earthquakes are not amazing; my heart goes out to the people of Haiti and Chile.
Bodyquakes though.... I can say what happened was amazing because it happened in a safe place and nobody got hurt.
I have given up coffee for Lent though. I'm not sure a double expresso is the best thing before Boot Camp after all. We'll see, we'll see!