Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Reunions a chance to let go, right?

Some friends can't understand why, how, I've not let go of my school days. Well, the answer is, because it's been hard. I did let go of it in Japan (or so I thought), came home overland by foot and everything, contacted four friends then got pregnant by one of them.

Here goes, the top three events that have ensured that the memories of that school come back and back and back and have caused two mental breakdowns as consequence, maybe even three. Hopefully not four.

Having a baby with the Foca. Prime cutlet of first class gossip me. Then dumped. Then (effectively) evicted from his brothers house (oh why didn't I take it to court?). I'll tell them me and the Foca are bezzy mates if they ask.
It's all about being judged isn't it, always has been and here is my chance to stand in the face of all that judgement. I reckon that's what most people are afraid of, nervous of, what people find quite traumatic. Do you like being judged? Are you afraid of it? I wish I was going back as a film star, rock star! Human rights lawyer. Millionaire. Seriously feckin' rich. No. I'm going back as a single mother on benefits. I'm thinking how lucky I am that I was never Head Girl.

Being evicted by the church when my son was two years old. Throw yourself at the Bishop's mercy the good priest told me. "We have no duty to care for you."
You were sent by Satan to do the Devil's work . I file that under trauma

Facing eviction and threatened with hostels twice
The school link: Detention, sometimes indefinite detention. 'Housebound' they called it then. 'Early Nights' they call it now. Can file that under trauma too.

What is going to this reunion going to achieve? That if I end up in a hostel indefinitely I will survive?
It's not going to achieve anything, is it? I cried so hard the other night, so hard, as the thought of our next eviction loomed into my mind. Fighting for my son again, for his education, that whole threat of displacement, how living with me puts him at risk of so much change and insecurity that perhaps it would be better that he goes to live with his father. His father who can give him what I can't. I ground those tears, god they're so painful, then thought no. My child doesn't want to be separated from me and I will not sacrifice him, even if his life away from me is better.

Sorry to admit this to you, but there is so much pain in my life

Fuck, sorry.

The man was nice on the phone to me yesterday. I told him I was a bit scared, bad memories n all. He said last year a 64 year old man came back for the first time who'd hated the place. Another guy, a major in the army, came back and cried.

So many of us hated it back then, I said. Alot's changed. There's no saturday morning school anymore for starters.

The man said things like "we'll take care of you"

and I thought no and I cried no and I cried and cried some more and some more and I couldn't stop and I thought I'm not a victim

I'm not a creep
I'm not a loser
I'm not um, a wierdo
I do belong here
and Radiohead is a great name for a band and that is a great song.

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