The weight of ideas

Ideas are all very well to have but to be executed with any success the heart and mind has to be in compliance or maaaaaaaaaaaaan, the thought of it is hard. That's where I am. I'm trying to chill out, take rescue remedy, anything to quell the emotions that crash and bang and swirl within me.

My heart has long desired a two bedroom flat for my son and myself. A garden would be nice, not having to haul the bike up and down, nicer. Has long desired to be out of this situation, off the waiting list. My heart has long desired to go home, the bricks and mortar kind.

My head has told me to write letters, which I've done, talk to people who might help, which I've done, talk to lawyers, which I've done, all with no success. Now my heart is telling me to bid for a property and well, I don't know where the law stands. I don't know what kind of trouble I might get into, I don't know, in truth, what might happen if I go through with it. I don't know how it will affect my son.

I'm no stranger to ideas. In my twenties my heart was set on going to Chile but suddenly Japan popped into my head. Japan? I didn't want to go to Japan! What did I want to go to Japan for? But the thought, it wouldn't let go. I fought the thought, flipped a coin. Best of three.

Before I flew out I felt much like I'm feeling now.

Same with the idea to return home overland. On my own. Through Asia. On my own. Through China. On my own. Russia, Eastern Europe. On my own. Here my head told me to take a plane to London but my heart wanted to walk, take buses, boats and trains but I was scared. I was so scared. I didn't eat the whole week before I flew to Bali. I couldn't. I was crapping it.

This is different though. Back then, nobody cared what I did.
This time, I know that's what happening in the borough where I live is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I care what I do because it could have positive repurcussions on the borough. I care what I do because it impacts my son. Whether I succeed or fail it impacts my son. My Son my Sun my Son.

What's the alternative? To remain living with rent I cannot afford with the threat of eviction hanging over my boy? This journey has to stop, it's time for this journey to stop. I so desire this journey to stop. This is a way of stopping it.