It always takes something to make you really see what you saw.
You don't know that life is about to throw you something and challenge the very depths of you.
Last Thursday I blogged. My eyes were hurting, words were swimming, I stopped. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and saw myself in the mirror and thought "You are beautiful...why do you always think you're not..." and slipped my hand down my jeans and my finger into my pants looking at myself the whole time. I felt..I felt. Go with this moment.
I wanted to tidy the living room afterwards but I didn't feel right. I figured I'd lie down for twenty minutes, putting on my Janis Joplin cd and setting my alarm.
Sun was streaming through the window when I opened my eyes and as I got up I thanked the wooden painted crucifix on top of the door, for allowing me to rest. I have never done that before and it felt good.
The sun was out and the rain was spitting when I got outside. There must be a rainbow somewhere, I thought.
I walked to the main road, up towards my son's school, and there it was, massive, beautiful. I tried to alert passers by to it but they looked at me suspiciously apart from one man, who turned and said "Wow, thank you!" before taking a picture of it on his smart phone. "Amazing isn't it?" I beamed. "Rainbows mean hope don't they? Hope in the world!" I went on my way.
I picked up my son and he says: "Mummy, I know all the words to the song now, I'll sing it to you!
"Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
and smile smile smile
While you lucify to to light your fag, smile boys that's the style
What's the use in worrying, it never was worthwhile
so pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and
smile smile smile
Corners up, corners up (I asked him to sing louder as I leaned down to listen)
Give the world a grin, a great big cheesy one, oh
Corners up, point them to the sky
Show the world you win, it's really not that bad
So head up high, just keep it in the air just smile
the 'hole' world will smile if you're happy
Corners up, corners up
everyone looks better with a smile so give us a grin!"
"Will you write that down for me," I said, as I felt my stomach lurch and a strong desire to wee.
It hurt when I went, then I needed to go again moments later and each time I went it hurt even more, oh no... what's happening...What' happening? then I saw blood on the paper, then more and then more
and I was really glad my son had a kung fu class, really really glad as I tried to focus on rainbows and beauty and life and on him
I want to live
I want to live