Wednesday, 13 July 2011

A coincidental breakthrough for my boy?

A text very early this morning from Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head inviting my son for a sleepover on Saturday night.

Oh wow! First instinct.

What a coincidence...Second instinct but try to banish it. Son delighted then bursts into tears when I tell him it's a weekend with his dad coming up.

Coincidence is two fold and posting for that reason and that reason alone because it's hard to post about your child being bullied.

The story is also quite long so I've got to pretend I'm chainsmoking because edited sentences would find their way to me when I smoked. I have to breathe now, on my own.

First coincidence - Modern Mother wrote a post about her child being bullied yesterday. I commented on it, and wrote how I should write my experience of the difficulties in dealing with it..little did I know the opportunity would come up so soon.

Second coincidence - Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head is school governer and I had a meeting with the school/social services this morning to get my son taken off the Child In Need register. Would she know that? We're not as close as we used to be....

After I wrote to the school head about what I believed to be the root causes of my son's bullying experiences, I mentioned it to the school governer because I needed advice, I wanted support and I believed her to be a friend I could trust.

There'd been a couple of incidences of my son's friends ganging up on him. Ugly's son was one of them and her boy was one of them. I mentioned it saying it was rough play, the boys were all friends, but sometimes they could step over the line, ya know?

Yes, she knew, her child's been on the cruel end of name calling, we had a good conversation about it so when she said "as parents you want to protect your child" I was like 'yeah, of course'.

Soon, very soon afterwards, there was a friday after school, the incident in the park, where I saw Ugly who had told tales on my boy sitting with Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head.

Not one playdate for my boy since then. We've invited her son, she's invited everybody else's bar mine. What can you say? Like I said to her that day in the caf, you can't beg parents to have your child over to play.

I've felt upset about it all recently. I know two parents exclude my child ("Can he come and play at my house?" asked little A. "Sure, ask your mum." Nothing.) I didn't expect Mother on Whose Shoulder to do the same.

I get it though. I absolutely fucking get it. If it's not my child being picked on by the two other friends, it's hers so she is able to organise playdates outside school to minimise incidents inside. There's another boy in this group... D'you know, I'm tired..

I'm tired, I'm tearful, we all want the best for our children.

I couldn't give Modern Mother advice yesterday, other than to talk to the school because talking to the parents very often makes it worse.

For me it is fantastic she wrote that post, many mothers have commented, with their own experiences.. similar to mine; friendships run aground, talking to school the better option. That has been good for me to read, vicariously supported - here's the link again for you if your child's having a tough time :

I will not be cynical about Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head's invitation this morning though it is easy to be so. Perhaps she knew about the meeting with the social services, perhaps she didn't. My son said something to her last week when he found out one of the friends was going to her house. I don't know what but I do believe she has a kinder conscience than the parents of my son's other two friends.

My son wants me to swap weekends with his dad. Mother on Whose Shoulder I Dropped My Head (really really must change her name as it's a long time since I did that) texted to say the sleepover could happen another weekend.

I'll find out if it's her son's birthday. If it is I'll go through the whole rigmarole with the Foca.
If it isn't, my son may still want me to go through the whole rigmarole with the Foca.

"No-one ever invites me for a sleepover mummy" he cried this morning.

Fuck it, who cares if I'm crying now. Better my boy can't see and better I let it all go.

Year 4. Year 4 my son my sun. I hope things improve for you because it's not you, none of it is about you and never ever has been.

If it's the boy's birthday I'll sort it for you. If it's not, there'll be another time.

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