I planned to have a picnic to mark my Crikieth birthday.
Over the past few years I have marked every birthday with a picnic.
My heart wasn't totally in it this time.
"The last time," I said to people. Not just the stress of it; but mostly the stress of it.
Annie facebooked me on Friday. "Do you have a Plan B"
"No, I said. I'm praying! Asking Angels to blow the clouds away so there'll be sunshine!"
I decided to be realistic though and look at the weather forecast.
Lovely saturday, lovely monday, downpour picnic day. "Wash-out" said the weather man.
For once, I could have a plan B.
My flat. It could accommodate adults I told another friend on facebook, but children? Including hers there'd be 27... with mine...28. FUCK!
Perhaps I should just cancel but cancelling my Crikieth.Stay in, on my own, feeling sorry myself... what did that say as a prelude to the new decade???????????????
Queen. This on repeat ALL Friday night. Over and over and over and over:
Never in all the years that I've had birthday picnics has the weather let me down, but never have I had a flat to accommodate any plan B. The promised pitter patter of raindrops felt almost like a celestial conspiracy.
I spoke to my son, told him he'd just have give up his bedroom. "Let Chaos Reign!"
My party was a terrific success. 27 children didn't come. Hannah left her 4 behind, others left siblings with husbands. My brother in law (my sister came!) took the boys out to play football in the rain.
Why, for an occasion such as my Crikieth birhday, didn't I always just plan to do it in this flat - which is designed for parties really?
Because I was scared. Scared people wouldn't show up. Scared people wouldn't enjoy themselves. Scared scared scared.
Had I done it in my flat, maybe those who have come to my picnics in the past would have more likely come. Who knows. I told myself to think about the people who did come though, not the psople who didn't.
Scared scared scared...pff...
Fear. Whoever knew it can be a real waste of time.
"Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" = a book I think, an expression perhaps.
There might be something in it!