The Foca - my soulmate?

Yesterday I bought a copy of Spirit & Destiny and the man in the shop asked me why I buy such a magazine. "Because it might help me think in more positive ways," I answered.

Yesterday, an article within, was a gift for me: Is he your soulmate or your twin flame?

When I met the Foca, aged 16, I thought he was my soulmate; he hated shit school as much as me.

When I met him again, years later, I resisted that he might be my soulmate but was seduced despite this; we had so much in common, not just our past at school. "You are the one," he said. He did!

I believed our relationship could work, even after he handed us notice. What a muppet! Over the years I've tried to shrug off this idea he was my soulmate, welcomed the fact he was getting married, but this idea that our souls were bound just wouldn't leave me, aaargh, rather like, if you like, my choosing to believe in my late teens that God doesn't exist. Anyone bought up to believe in God, will struggle with the idea of atheism. Well I did anyway. I'm at peace with it all now, I have been for some time. God's existence that is, not the Foca being in my life.

Soulmates! The Foca was my soulmate! The Foca is my soulmate - Nooooooooo!

Take heed, says Spirit and Destiny:

Soulmates will keep on coming into your life until certain lessons have been learned - about fear of rejection or finding security, for instance. Twin flames, on the other hand, enter your life when you've learned these lessons and are ready to experience true, unwavering love and support.

I did the magazine's 'love test'. The timing is great for as you know, I do not like dealing with the Foca. It has helped me to understand and make sense of my relationship with him however. He may have been my soulmate but soulmates aren't the be all and end all; aren't the Holy Grail of happiness, just a step towards it. The Holy Grail is the Twin Flame.

Here goes; their 'love test', you may not buy this magazine and this might help you:

You're soulmates if:
One partner is reluctant to fully commit to the relationship (tick)
The relationship starts on a high, but deteriorates or needs constant work and effort (tick)
One of you tries to force change, or bullies or tries to control the other (tick)
There's competition between you, or resentment of each other's success (did you resent me? Do you? I resent you now, not then)
One partner feels jealous, insecure or abandoned when the other is pursuing their own interests ("I'm not abandoning you," he said when he handed us notice. Why do I feel like you are, I thought)
One of you has to suppress large parts of yourself in order to fit what your partner expects of you ("Mamma, will you leave us?" said my in labour self at partner's request when my in labour self didn't want that at all)
There's a real sense of duty, debt or unfinished business - karma or a hidden agenda, perhaps (I don't know, I wouldn't know)
Physical intimacy between you feels forced or demanded (or denied...)
One of you is dependent on the other, to the point where you couldn't survive alone (didn't feel this; wanted the relationship to work for the baby, believed it could ho ho ho)
One or both partners are so absorbed in the relationship that they can't function in the world, often getting ill (he'd get stomach ache, I'd get skinny)
(Spirt & Destiny - February issue)

You're a Twin Flame if...
You unconditionally love and accept each other
Each partner offers the other respect and recognition
You support each other to be who you are

Old Shit School acquaintance did tick each box (11 in total) but I jumped ship and he's sailed off with someone new... which means therefore that if we weren't Twin Flames, we were, according to S&D, just another soulmate to one another, but a positive experience this time.

I am free! Kind of....I'm limited only by my own boundaries, but that's ok, they are mine.

Shall I tell the Foca we were soulmates? For a laugh? For a big, clown off Big Brother laugh?

He won't get it. Perhaps he doesn't want to; perhaps he wants to hang on to me like a Nit. He enjoys bugging me. Should I start bugging him back? Give him a taste of his own medicine? It might be just what I need to do to finally wash him out of my hair... Make him think.

Perhaps it's better that he remains ignorant or discovers what we were in his own time. Perhaps it's better that I let it all go, once and for all like I've been trying to these past years. I know the truth now! At last!

I have my own life to lead, this I know; I need to "work on loving [my]self and becoming spiritually awake by living [my] life with integrity and authenticity." (S&D p.9) I really need to do this, for my son's sake as well as my own. (No, he has not yet replied to the email I sent this morning but the school has...strength stigmum, work on your own strength)

On a brighter note, I have yet to meet my Twin Flame! Will we meet this decade? Will we meet at all? Who knows!

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me....
(Doris!)