Old wounds may heal but scars remain

My son isn't coming home tonight. He's not here now, so it is highly unlikely.

The Foca sent a text earlier saying his pregnant wife was ill so he was staying home to look after her and would bring our son to school tomorrow.

I said he had family nearby to babysit the wife, that my son should come home tonight.
He replied that his family was away (what his brother and his sister?) and that our son was staying with him.

I said that wasn't fair on our son and that his wife would live.

Back and forth went these texts, that it was a "pointless" conversation, he just wanted to know if I'd pick up our son from the station in the morning. The last three texts went:
"Our son comes home today"
"No"
"Yes"

Two things you should know reader. At the end of August without discussing it with me, he moved his family from London to Brighton. My son has to get up exceptionally early tomorrow morning to begin his busy day (for he has swimming lesson after school which foca pays for) so too his busy week.

"He's 7, my wife is pregnant" texts the Foca. Our son was "6" once too he'd remind me, and "5" and "4" and "3" and "2" and "1" and has always come second, maybe even third in daddy's list of priority people. Fourth once the baby arrives.

The second thing that is worth you knowing is that although upon my request he doesn't appear in my inbox (because you never can know what awaits you), we are parents and we communicate by text message.

Over time the phone has gone beep beep "you're deluded," beep beep "you're irresponsible," beep beep, "you're a nutcase" (not gently, jesting you understand), I "twist", I "manipulate", I "blackmail" oh the list goes on. Once I did text him: "oh fuck off and shag your girlfriend" for the beep beep beep was going on well after midnight. Today I was being "unreasonable" beep beep "unreasonable" he repeated.

My mother calls sometime later and I tell her that if my son isn't back I will log it with the police. Tell me what choice do I have? I don't want to deny my son access to his dad. People have in the past told me to deny the Foca access, but it amounts to the same thing doesn't it? My son gets hurt. He's not some fucking pawn to be played with.

"Be very careful," says my mother. "Be very careful." Indeed, he'll tell them I'm a "nutcase" and christ knows what else.

I watch Friday's episode of Eastenders on the omnibus. Stacey Slater being strong armed into a police car to be taken away for sectioning. Some of us aren't so well equipped to deal with the pressures of life. I cried, I cried hard.

Get out get out get out scream my instincts, go to the heath go go go.

A school mentor is up there. I don't want to moan on him but the foca said he'd call our son's class teacher tomorrow to check our son's "ok". The mentor knows both me and the foca, tells me I'm not being "unreasonable". I take my coffee to a log and sit and smoke smoke smoke watching the pond water turn all shades of green in the sun that has moved on the drizzle. Smoke smoke smoke, smoke smoke smoke some more, I want to see my son, I want him home when I get back.

It's not from self pity that I say that stigmums are hit from all sides, it's from flipping fury.
Do only the strongest survive?
Or do the strongest take their lives?

I will text the foca now and tell him that if he ever pulls a stunt like this again, I'm going to log it with the police.
I might even write to his wife and tell her too for I'll wager that he's said nothing to her about any of it.

Scars hold memories and opening old wounds he inflicted will do nothing for our beautiful beautiful son.