I NEVER post this kind of stuff. I feel I have to though because I think it's what's partially responsible for the prolonged company of the Black Dog at the moment. I'm not saying that by posting about it will make it go away but it's not something I can admit in my day to day out there as I fix a smile on my face.
My birthday's coming up. I'm thinking of having a picnic. Every year I have a picnic. Every year these picnics are getting smaller. In short, this year, I don't think anyone will come. Next year, a big decade change, I might not do anything at all - a week day, easy.
Don't be silly, you might think. Of course people will come.
I haven't seen my old mum friends much this past year - they, the faithfuls that came in the past but their lives have moved on while mine.. well mine same fecking same so I rarely text them...
My family can't come but then they never do.
Playground politics feel acute at this time of year.
Oh crikey, my whole life swirls about me as I think of all this, seems I can't post about it after all.
This morning I voiced the fear to my son:
"Lots of people have moved on, other people aren't around that weekend. What if no-one comes?"
"That's ok mummy, it'll be just you and me!"
How I love my son.
Fate is on my side that day. A band is playing on the Heath. "Life on Venus" - a pop/jazz ensemble. We can sit amongst a throng and listen to tunes. We'll be outside with the sky above us and green, green grass beneath.
Shall I just text everyone anyway? There's always something so que sera sera about my annual picnics, and people still mean something to me even if we don't see each other much or at all nowadays.
This decade was heralded with a massive party and a pregnancy six months later. So different my life now. It's right isn't it, to see it out in such surroundings, especially as my life is on the cusp of changing? Be thankful for what I have and hold all other dreams close to my heart as my little boy laughs and the music plays.
Thanks for bearing with me x