On this beautiful, warm sunny morning, the very last thing I want to do is post darkness but if I wake up and can't shift the weight what do I do?
Do I not post anything? So many bloggers do not post their dark moods and moments. They might write that they have been feeling that way but have now cheered up.
Sometimes I think: Share the moments. However I also know first hand how depressing it can be off loading that which depresses in the first place.
This morning the very thought of posting my feelings had me dunk my head under the bath water and decide to leave blogspot for a while. I need blogspot though. I need to write. More misery? Oh I've had enough.
So beautiful indeed as I walk to school under my own invisible dark cloud and then in the playground get chatting to a mum who asks how I am so I lie and say I'm feeling fine.
Beautiful to muster up some sunshine and tell her I've written to the Government Leaders when she asks how my housing is going when in reality the hopelessness of my actions is what sits in my belly.
Beautiful to be told the new Leader of the Council is a parent at our school. "The council have stopped selling off the stock so it might not be that helpful for you to know that," the mum says.
Beautiful that in one moment light is thrown into the dark well of emotions I've been swimming in all morning.
I don't know if using it will help our situation, I don't how I'll use it but I do know I have to.
Beautiful that in a hopeless moment life throws you a line.
I've caught hold of it and will now wait patiently and hope when I meet him, the words that will save my son will come to me.
The words that I spill on blogspot will one day give hope to other people.
I just have to bear with myself.