My bright idea as I sat in the dark cloud with my Black Dog earlier today, was to send an email to Jeremy Vine's Radio 2 show, about, of course, the three political parties and housing.
So fearful was I (what if they call me back, what if they read it out, what if my name is thrown out nationally, what if what if what if....) that I did what I always do in such situations and consulted my horoscope:
Fight or flight? Persist or desist? It's hard to know quite what to do about your current obstacle, but it is at least clear that there's not much room for compromise. Generally speaking, when life presents us with no 'middle way', it either matters immensely which course we take - or it makes no difference. Try an imaginary exercise, just for a moment. Throwing yourself wholeheartedly (or at least whole- headedly) into either of your two options. How does that feel? If it feels right and positive, think no further. If not, think again.
Oh I don't know. Oh sod it. I wrote my don't know who to vote for scribe on their website, then I emailed my friend Em the election/eviction diary I'd promised her last week, saying I was thinking of sending an email to Vine, then went back to the website, pressed send, after which Em's reply came back saying "go for it!"
A quivering mass of nerves I was, especially when I heard Clegg was going to be there for an interview. Oh no! I've met him, oh no oh no oh no!
Then I got a message on my mobile from a mum I did my thesis on two years ago, asking me how I was doing. Alright, I said, and you?
Aaargh Fuck. Any nerves at sending that email just flew out the window. She'd been in hostels for four years when I met her two years ago. Details, details, they make me too angry but suffice to say her two very young children were taken by the social services and have now been adopted by another family.
She is still in a hostel, her and her partner are still together. Given what they've both been through at the hands of the council I didn't think they would be.
AAAARGH. It's so WRONG what happens to some people. Remember I met them, she quiet, he vocal, a nice couple. Geez, I don't understand some things.
As it happens Vine didn't read out my email, the radio station didn't call. That's ok. It took courage I mistook for madness to send it.
I have got to learn not to be afraid. I've got to start talking to the Black Dog to discover why I am. If I even dare to talk on behalf of other people, I need to sort that out first.
On a brighter note, my brother texted to say sorry about the weekend and the mum I've just been writing about has texted me saying to call her name here "Baby Face". I will do should I write about her again. It's made me laugh... these strong mothers and the names they give themselves... 'Lucky' is the other one. The ones that ask me to make up names for them get ones, well, you wouldn't know I make them up.
I wish them both luck, I really do.