Off to A&E

I've decided to self refer tomorrow morning, talk to shrink on duty. I'm scared. These people like to give you sweets and I'm anti sweets. I'm Queen of Paranoia people, I've got to be careful they don't section me if I refuse those sweeties. When you have a history of something you know what to expect not that I have ever been sectioned or even threatened with it. They've tried to up the sweeties before though. I'll tell them I'm taking homeopathic stuff (Rescue Remedy is ALWAYS in my bag!)

I managed to pull myself off the sofa and cook a meal for my son after my rant. I haven't cooked a meal from scratch in a while. I'd chopped the onions then realised I had no tinned tomatoes to cover the courgette and bacon. I was forced therefore to go out. As I walked I wondered about how childless people in this situation cope.

I sent Support worker a text telling him what I was going to do and he rang me afterwards saying the council won't budge, stop writing to them, tried to talk me into the prs again. Said he had his concerns and was going to refer me to social services. For fucks sake. All because my teeny weeny flat is a bit cluttered. He also said that the chances of them putting us in a hostel next year were 'high', because of the 'composition of my family'. Wow, that's really going to help matters.

I may never tell you about shrink or social services. I'll write stuff in pencil though and maybe one day. Just this is personal you know. I've been reading Note to Self over and over but I can't quite believe what I told myself to believe.

I've lost the flat upstairs that I fought so hard for even though I know it's not gone yet. We all crash when we don't get what we want when we bid. Too dangerous it is to hope. Why we stop.

Shit school aquaintance who I dumped even though you couldn't really call him a "boyfriend" called me this morning out of the blue. I asked him to call me this afternoon and just cried on him.

I'm still going to blog. Oh yeah! Me and Stigmum may have been listening to Eva Cassidy's Songbird album on rotation but that was just to calm me down!! I'll carry on listening to my instincts. If my instincts tell me to write to the council I will.

I wouldn't even tell you this but then thought I would, because I'm not labelling it under 'mental health', I'm labelling it under 'housing' because it is the Government and that fucking bloody council, doing this to me. Again.

Oh, and the Queen of Paranoia tag I've given myself? There's a tale in the Book That Will Never Be Published. A few friends read it and thought it was funny. Depression can be funny. I'm just protecting myself by seeking help. I know myself much better now but no, I'm not invincible!

It's my son's birthday though. I've got to get my head together for that. I need to get him a present!

Right, toughen up. Toughen up toughen up toughen up. You shall not be beaten!