Access at Christmas

My son has always been happy to see his dad and always happy to see me on his return whenever he goes away. I've never had to deal with the heart wrenching pain that many children of separated parents feel and parents forced to deal with. Not so yesterday afternoon. The tears; the tears that would not, could not, stop from falling.

"I don't want to go mummeeeeeee, don't make me gohhh. I want to stay with youuuuu, you're the bestest, the specialist, the kindest, don't make me gohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"It's only for a few days sweetie, you'll be back soon, you'll have a great time, you'll see."

"I haaaaate my daddeeeeeeee."

"You don't mean that, he loves you."

"I hate Ssssss, he's so annoyinnnng"

"Yeah, well, brothers can be. It'll be alright, I promise."

"Don't make me gohhh, don't maaaake me gohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"What's wrong with 'im?" says the Foca when he eventually turns up.

"He's just exhausted."

"Why?"

"Because it's the end of term? It's been a big day? He's been freezing cold all week because the heating's been on the blink? He's shattered."

"Don't make me gohhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Why don't you want to come?" asks the Foca.

"I hate Ssssss, he's soo annnoyinnnnnng."

"No he's not, he's really excited about seeing you."

Oh I could go on, as I heard him wailing all the way down the road, his little self surrendering to the dragging hand of his tall father, but I won't.

I'm lucky; my son will be spending Christmas Day with me. Boxing Day he will go with his dad. Me and his dad row about it every year and I know I should do the alternate thing. A zillion mothers I do not know have to do it, like my nephew and niece's mum who has done it for ten years. T's mum's foca moved to Australia, she doesn't have to do it. Same with my son's class teacher, her foca moved to Australia too (coincidentally!)

For me access is a nasty, painful business, even though in between Christmas, Easter and my son's birthday I have gotten 'used' to it.

The children, our children, they have to deal with so much.

Children, children, you are amazing.