It's just an illusion ooh ooh aah aah!

Yesterday afternoon I returned home from Camden with a few tokens and a bunch of CNJ copies. Outside the block there were maybe a dozen young boys, who disbanded when they saw me. By the front door there were four girls, they too disappeared as I locked Zat to the railings for I was going out in an hour or so.

Oh for fucks sake, they've messed with the lock, was my first thought as I approached the door. The slot where you put in the key was totally skewed, I could not get my key into it. The door opened. Well at least they've totally broken it and I can get back in later, was my second thought.

I went upstairs, had a cup of tea, a couple of slices of toast, a few cigarettes and then it was time to go and meet Steve. We were going to watch a play at the Hampstead Theatre; Darker Shores, a Christmas ghost story set in 1875. Strange goings on at The Sea House in the desolate Sussex coast. (I did think, incase you are wondering, 'sod the money' for twas pricey, but the girls had really baled me out on Friday night, it was another gift from them.)

I went back downstairs. The front door was shut, couldn't be pulled open. It wasn't broken after all.

I go outside. The lock was still damaged. I pointlessly tried the key, no, no chance. Fuck. And it's Saturday. Aaargh, I posted that I did not need a new problem.

In the winter darkness I see three guys. "Do you live here?" I asked. Yes, no, visiting a friend. "The lock's bust, will you be in later tonight so I can buzz you to get in?"

"There are side entrances," one explains. "We can leave it on the latch for you."

The gate accessing the side entrance - which leads to the first floor - is locked. I'd have to climb over it.

"I've got my bike, I don't want to leave it out here all night."

"You could lock it out here, get into the building, then come out from the inside and get it," suggests the boy.

"Oh thank you for your brains. Yes I'll do that."

What a fucking palaver. "I don't blame them, I know they're bored out of their minds, but geez, can't they think of something that isn't going to bugger up everybody else's evening????"

As I cycle to Swiss Cottage I tell myself not to worry. There's nothing I can do about it, I can only hope the boys do leave the side entrances on the latch.

The play, ladies and gents, girls and boys, was brilliant! Third row stalls, we were practically on the stage, which was swirling with mist, eerie, very eerie...

Professor Gabriel Stokes, a scientific historian, enlists the help of an American spiritualist, Tom Beauregard, to get to the bottom of the strange supernatural goings on at The Sea House. It was funny ("Why don't the working classes see ghosts?" asks Stokes. "Because they don't have time!"), the suspense was gripping, I 'jumped' a couple of times.

The illusions were just fantastic. From the apple, which is 'real', disappearing. The table rising from the floor and shaking, quivering along the stage, an empty chalk board suddenly having the names upon it of those who have died. The real and the imagined clashing all the time.

The bed though. As water showered under the frame, a body just appeared in the thin mattress, taking form under the dry sheets until a man sat up and got out, soaking wet. How did that happen?

At the end, the Professor, the Spiritualist, the housekeeper and the maid took their bows to rapturous applause.

"Where's the guy Steve? Is that part of it as well? Did we imagine that? Did that happen?"

Oooooh! We went and had a beer afterwards!

Home, oh the palaver awaits. I'll just check the door so I can get pissed off and that energy will help me over the railings to the side entrance which hopefully, will be on the latch.

Eh? There was nothing wrong with the lock. There it was, untouched, untampered with, glistening under the sky. In the still, still midnight, not a soul who could tell me I didn't imagine it earlier.

The key went in, turned and out of the cold and into the building, walked me with Zat, just like that! (Tommy Cooper)

Was it just an illusion ooh ooh ooh ooh aaaah aaaaah? Illusion... (Imagination)

Freaky!