Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Despair the default setting

As you know, I am reading "The Diamond in your Pocket" at the moment, a spiritual tome, that tells us that who we are are not the thoughts we attach to ourselves.

To stop a moment, to be still, we can realise that the peace that we seek is within us. This peace and contentment is our default setting. (In the book Gangaji doesn't say 'default setting', I say 'default setting')

My default setting is despair. No, it is, honestly. I seek peace; all the time, every minute of the day, now even by writing about this...

I had a suicide dream again last night.

It's always death by hanging and I always want to indulge it then feel guilty because I have a child and I love my child and I want to be with him and not die goddammit, not really. (Oh good, I'm crying. don't stop don't stop tear that drops)

Last night I did what Gangaji said and explored this despair, go through it and feel at its end, not death but the bliss of being.

Despair at housing, so personal, so local, so regional, so national, war in Libya, international violence, people, nature, Japan

"Pretend you're having a lie in," I told myself. Lie in's are so lovely aren't they. Just pretend 3am is 7am. That's what I do. I don't think of my son and run from despair, I meet it instead. I felt no bliss on the other side last night, which made me think that despair is my default setting.

I'm half way through the book. Maybe it will give me pointers in how to deal with my despair default settings.

Where did I read recently that "being born" was a trauma for all of us, every single one of us. In our lives thereafter, there will be points where we grow, as human beings we grow, where we shift from one way of being to another and the journey can be painful.

Maybe it was in one of the horoscopes and the planets going all diddly wop this week. Maybe it is in the Gangaji book. I'm not sure I can't remember.

Cainer (once again!) has said this morning:

They say, 'A problem shared is a problem halved'. But surely that depends on who you happen to be sharing it with (blogspot). Some people, it seems, have an amazing ability to make difficulties multiply as soon as they start to look at them (Yes me). Be careful then, about who you talk to and what you say. Make sure, though, that you don't just keep a situation to yourself. If you are now brave enough to draw it to the attention of the right person (Stigmum), you won't just divide your difficulty; you will end up getting rid of it altogether. (Hope so)

I've decided that come April or May I'm going to stop writing about housing on here. Other platforms, I'll use my experience, fine, to talk about other people, fine, to defend how they might feel, fine but on this platform I can't write about housing and pretend it doesn't affect me.
It does, and it depresses the hell out of me.
My despair default setting cannot remain so
The dreams have got to stop
or if they don't, at least lead to the abyss of peace
yes, here on earth

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