Monday, 22 February 2010

I am not stupid, I am not mad

The motherboard meltdown I had at my parents place wasn't altogether awful but perhaps that is because they were there. They were there, my son was there, my neices, my nephew, my brother, my sister.

In short, my family.

Oh, and Nicoteen, my faithful friendly foe.

I am back home now, in my home that is not my home, just somewhere I rent (Libdem Lady, you probably didn't mean to hurt me)

I cannot afford to break down again, because really, it's not that pleasant if you are going through it on your own.

As I dropped my son off at school this rainy monday morning, choosing to take the front entrance so I could hand in the form so my son can do gymnastics, I saw the head, the deputy head and someone else standing where they usually do on a Monday morning, under the clock, in the corridor.

I went over and told them I was in the local paper.

I could not articulate this very well, not 'normally' at any rate, speaking ten to the dozen, when suddenly the deputy says: "Would you like a cup of tea?"

I did not expect that and said yes, yes please.

In her office I told her what had happened. I told her my 'big secret' and you know, bless her, she didn't ask for the link.

The school's primary concern, obviously, is my son. I told her yes, I was trying to protect him, I was trying to protect myself, that's what the blog is all about. Well, now at any rate. Now I can see...

It was good to 'off load' some of my mental mayhem. I can trust my son's school. I trust it because they have always, always, taken care of my son when I have asked them to.

I didn't ask her now, but she did say, if my meeting with the editor over ran today, they would look after him if my son didn't get into gymnastics (a volume of parents like me handed in their forms this morning.."Let's get there early," I said to my son. "It's first come first serve. You might not get in, but we'll say a little prayer to Jesus." "And God mummy." "Yes, yes, God too but if it doesn't happen, you've got swimming on Mondays, so it's not meant to, ok?" "OK".)

I thanked the deputy, a lot!

Nicoteen on the way to the coffee shop. Nicoteen on the walk home with my double expresso.

First things first, I called my doctor. I have an appointment next Monday but asked the receptionist to ask the doctor to call me. She will, when her shift finishes after midday.

I went to my inbox and replied to my friend Anne, that I would try and attend her redundancy drinks evening. Years ago I used to work on a communications title, that's where I met her. I find that quite funny, the coincidence (you know, calling my mind a motherboard and all that)

I replied to a person in the council, saying I would be prepared to be interviewed about the PA report I was part of.

I'm not sure I'm up to that, but she sent the email last week so perhaps another parent has stepped up to it. Que sera sera cross that bridge and all that.

Like I said to deputy, I cannot abandon "what I did before". I still need to go to Bazza's Boot Camp and stuff. She agreed. I was talking sense obviously in my ten to the dozen chatter.

Now obviously, I am here, ten to the dozen typing.

Later, I have a meeting with the editor. I told the deputy "I have to trust him". You can't tell someone you've got a 'big secret' then not tell them what it is. She told me to "be careful". I told her I would be, "he did pull the article the other day after all, I think I can trust him. I hope I can."

For you though, and for me, I'm going to post some of what I went through at the weekend, some of the stuff I didn't get round to posting last week, because my son was hogging the computer!

It's important because I AM STILL HERE. What I've been through has given me HOPE.

I will leave this post with a song. Susan Boyle! I forgot to bring my cds to my parents and Saturday night, I saw hers in the kitchen. My brother got it for my mum for her birthday apparently. "Do you know, I've never heard her sing," I said to my neice. "Really?!" she replied. "Yes, really!"

I pick this song, or the relevant to me bits, because that's where I was last week and over the weekend I learnt that no woman is an island (John Donne with a stigmum tweak)

You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back home
You'll see, somehow, someday

All by myself
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay alive

All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
You'll see

I do need people this time, I cannot do what I need to do, all by myself.

Yo doc, I await your call. Yo ed, I hope our meeting goes well! I'm actually crapping myself (figure of speech, not literally for once!)

(And a big thank you to Jen of the cigarette diaries for teaching me how to do multiple label links!)

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