Last Thursday before lunchtime, I arrived at my parents weary as from battle.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I always seem to come back in this state."
"Ca ne fait rien," said my ma. My dad was simply overjoyed to see me.
We chatted for a bit, but events are hazy now, I know I was soon back inside my head. We sat down to lunch, with me catching bits of conversation; my neice, nephew, brother, my son, my mother. My dad's always quiet these days, it's great he's always there though.
After lunch, the kids dispersed, my dad went back to sit infront of the TV, I don't know where my mum went. I went outside with Nicoteen and when I came back in, the maddest thing happened. I saw my life flash before my eyes. None of the crap, just the good stuff, in glorious technicolour.
I sat down at the kitchen table because I wanted to keep watching it, you know, from a comfortable position.
"Je te trouve pensive fifi," says my mother walking into the room. The kids had long gone, I could hear them though.
"Pardon mamma, je suis ok, c'est juste que je suis entrende de voir ma vie passer devant mes yeux!"
We chatted for bit, I couldn't really tell her what I was seeing; moments travelling spring to mind. I asked her if it was ok if I went to lie down.
I might have slept, I think more that I rested. What a comfortable mattress after what I have to sleep on here.
I got up for dinner. Rice, lentils; comfort food. (I've just checked in the freezer, me and my boy will have that tonight! Maybe not, it's rice and jerk chicken at school today. Bangers and mash tomorrow... that's dinner sorted for then, then!)
Yeah, so sitting at the table, between my dad and my nephew. It's like white pieces of paper are shooting out of the motherboard and a Mama Cass and Labi Siffree track are jumping from one to the other.
The higher you build your barriers rocket bells and poetry know that I can make it it started quietly and grew something inside so strong getting better getting stronger deny my place believe it or not...
I was getting really frightened, it wouldn't stop. Everyone around me seemed so far away. If I voiced it, it might stop.
"Guys...GUYS... I... I think I... I'm having a.. a... mini breakdown."
They all look at me.
"I..I..I've got like these things f f flying from my head and mama cass and thingy, you know thingy, Labi thingy, you know, something inside so strong, they keep singing over each other."
"Oh that's a classic track," says my brother.
"Yes, you hear it on the radio all the time," says my neice.
"Really?" I say, gratitude pouring from my eyes.
My brother takes out his iphone, puts on some music and stands it on my mother's zimmer tray thing.
"Thanks, thanks for that," I say to him.
I can't really say I slept that night, but I rested really well, the mattress so smooth and every turn and breath of my son sleeping on the blow up mattress beside me.