Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Needing space to think

"Mummy, are you going to be exciting today?"

"Sorry my lovely no, mummy's head is so far, far away. How about I see if you can go and play around one of your friend's houses?"

He was very excited about this, but I had to warn him none of them might be around.

They weren't. All parents got back to me, except A's dad. No surprise there... can't the guy see I'm trying to do our children a favour?

My son refused to go with girls, so that ruled out asking some other friends of mine. I was trying to be a bit Doris about it though and not add guilt to the stress. Things happen for a reason, yeah?

I wanted to use the computer but I can't visit you stiggers with my boy around.

Opportunity to tidy up. Couldn't even do that. Spent don't know how long in the kitchen trying to find the most important part of my stove expresso maker. Told myself I might find it while tidying up. Don't know what's up with me, perhaps as overwhelmed by the mess as I am by my constantly fizzing motherboard. I kept going round in circles, literally.

A bright blue sky. Thank you thank you world. I took my boy to the Heath; get out of this suffocating environment. Still though, I kept having to say: "Sorry sweetie? Mummy was far far away again..." Not pleasant. Why can't I just focus on him and forget all the crap? It took a herculean effort to do so and I failed every time.

Because I can't talk to him about what I'm going through, or get advice from him I end up talking to myself, in silence. Not fair on either of us actually.

I am lucky to have the most chilled out, chatty boy in the whole world.

I owe my life to him, not least because if he hadn't been here, I wouldn't have eaten.

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