Even a warrior needs a rest sometimes

Walking is not hard if you've got the use of your legs, but walking through the night? Stamina is what you need. I haven't this in the bucket full or the thimble full but decided none the less, day before the big walk, to go to Bazza's Boot Camp. So what if I felt tired and pukey? I need STAMINA.

Slowly I walked there, stopping by the Heath cafe for an expresso shot and a fag. Just to get me started, ya know...

The jog was easier than last week, in that my lungs didn't bubble and each breath didn't whistle and even managed to chat abit to Mistress Ha Ha who told me that when I got home to soak for 20 minutes in a salt bath.

I was last back to base (have I ever been first??) and Master Bazza was at the door.

"I'm going to have to go home," I said, chin wobbling, trying not to cry. "I haven't the strength to do all this, I want to cry." I hoped of course that by admitting this, that I wouldn't cry (Stigmum's self defence manoeuvre which has been known to work now and again).

Ah! Master Bazza is a Zen Master, not a Task Master. He said to take time out while the other Mistresses thrashed their legs against the pads. As I pathetically sipped on some water I noted that we were an odd number, that every Mistress had a partner, it would be fine to go home.

Master Bazza came up to me and told me to stroll, to cool down naturally, not suddenly stop. A Mistress came in late and started jogging up and down the hall. Could I do this? Could I stay?

Bazza asked me if I'd hold a pad while this Mistress kicked it with all her might. Now I usually have fair grounding but I nearly toppled over.

"I really am going to have to go home," I chin wobbled to the Master once more.

"Just sit out the rest of the class," he said. "Just watch."

I moved to the bench as the Mistresses began what I can only describe as painful leg stretch exercises. I watched them, feeling, well, nothing really. I had now lost even the capacity to feel I've overdone the training so hard.

I wanted to close my eyes, I wanted to sleep, so I moved onto the floor, sat in a lotus position, hands cupped upwards on my knees and started to breath. In and out, in and out. I heard Bazza beginning my favourite loosening up and stretching exercices and peeked out of one eye and saw the Mistresses were facing me, not the wall like usual and ... oh I didn't care.

It's hard to meditate and focus on your breathing when you're depressed, which is why there are classes that teach you how to do it. You have to let the thoughts pass instead of focussing on them, and bring yourself back to the breath and breathe, in, out, breathe, in, out...

I began to breathe and all kinds of thought came to interrupt it....I can't do this...back to the breath; in through the nose, out through the mouth breathe... Tears trickled down my cheek.. let them fall....back to the breath; in through the nose, out through the mouth, breathe... you can do this... back to the breath; in through the nose, out through the mouth, breathe...you are a warrior... breathe, breathe, breathe...even a warrior needs a rest sometimes... back to the breath. On I breathed, letting thoughts pass until my eyes opened.

The Master was there, picking something up. He told me to visualise the walk, see myself there, enjoying myself. I did this but was all thought out. I got up and went to the loos to wash my face. When I got back, the Mistresses were getting ready to punch. I decided to join in, holding the pads up for Mistress Psychic, then the group did 10 press ups, then holding them up for Psychic again. Three times we did this, then my turn to punch, group press ups, punch, group press ups, punch.

I only wobbled a little bit when leaning on my left, then right arm but not as much as last week!

Punch punch punch, punch and kicks on the big hangy things.

The class then did techniques. I went into the beginners group even though I passed this stage a couple of years ago; have the certificate to prove it, yes I do! Pah, my memory's useless, but alot of fun with the Mistress I was paired with.

"Oh I remember this one, it's the argy bargy!" Following the argy bargy is the Pukey Pukey. If ever I am strangled I must remember to turn my head and shove my fingers in the soft bit at the base of the assailants neck. I strangled the Mistress, she defended herself, I felt pukey pukey.

I felt right royal marvelous when it was all over. Calm, you know? I had a fag and walked down to 'every little bit helps although the ceo didn't help me' and bought my son's packed lunch for tomorrow. Bought something for myself; turkey slices, green salad, wholemeal bread, orange juice... I'm learning! Day before the big walk! Never too late!!

I have to go and pledge the £23 local shop keeper and mum in playground gave me this morning so I bid you goodnight. I hope it's not a restless one like yesterday. Half 2 I woke up, bloomin' bloomin, took ages to get back to sleep.

My work is done; the training, the fundraising, I can do no more! This time tomorrow, this little warrior will be joining 200 others. We can do it can't we stigmum? We can, can't we???